What to do if she says no.

[Debra]

Hello
I have another question. My husband and I have agreed on the possibility of who our second wife will be, but I am a little worried due to her life situation, if we are right in talking to her at this time. In this past year she is recently divorced from her second marriage, I will add a divorce she did not want, and even more recently her first ex-husband just passed away, and this has hit her hard, and worse yet her 14year old son has ended up in a hospital for mental care due to his inability to handle his fathers death.
She is on the brink of Christianity, accepting Jesus, just has not made the final step. My husband has known her for 2.5 years and has had a very deep friendship develop with her, he also feels a strong physical attraction to her. He feels like she is a very strong possibilty to be the one he would like to bring into our marriage. I have met her a few times but don't know her that well. He has talked to me about her and told me everything about their friendship, and his feelings. He has also told me he knows that she has a strong attraction to him as well, though they have never acted on those feelings. I believe that my love for him has allowed me to already develop an emotional attachment of sorts for her as well. I too am very concerned for her and her son, and we have been praying for her and her son to get through these tough times. She has been talking with my husband and he has done his best to give her support and try to help her through all this. He feels that he would like to talk with her right away about our life choice and would like to discuss their feelings for one another and indicate to her that he would like to head the relationship in the direction of her possibly becoming our second wife. We have both already decided that if it is a positive answer how we will develop the relationship and find out if she is truly the person who will become our second wife.
My questions are is it really a good time to approach her with this? and Number two if she responds negatively, I feel that my husband needs to basically end his friendship with her, only because they both have a very strong physical attraction to each other, as well as the emotional attachments they have developed. I don't believe that he should continue on with her knowing that she won't possibly be a part of our life in the way we would desire it. I feel that it would be difficult to maintain a friendship where there is such a strong attraction, that you cannot act on. Do you think my concerns here are correct?? I want for him to be able to put those feelings away, and I don't see how he could if he remains as close a friend as they have been. Am I wrong here??

I appreciate any help on this matter.

In Christ
Debra

 

[DaPastor]

Debra,

I suggest that we take this question behind the scenes because of it's personal nature. I will PM you here in a moment, and I encourage you to seek Godly counsel from Lissa and Julie on this board (Of course, Nathan and I are certainly available too).

 

[Mark C]

And I appreciate Randy's advice about "behind the scenes" counseling, Debra, so I will offer the following only for your prayerful consideration, with no response necessary.


Your note indicated that this potential second wife is "near" to the point of accepting salvation, but did not say whether or not such "accepting of Jesus" included the complete teachings of the Bible concerning marriage. I would suggest that this is, of course, vital - because that understanding is the only way your house (or any of us, of course) will prosper during the times to come.

The Bible tells us to "let everything be confirmed in the mouths of two or three witnesses". God has always been able to provide such witnesses for us.

Think of it this way. Your husband is poised to become the patriarch of a family where both wives must accept his headship, as they also accept His headship. He must learn to teach this prospective wife NOW about the things she will need to learn in order to BE the wife you all seek. Let him teach her (better still, both of you), from the Word, about many things, but marriage in particular. What you learn about all of you during this process, and about what it means to be "teachable", will serve as a witness to you. It will also, of course, pave the way for whatever is to come - regardless of what that specific witness is.


Blessings in Him,

Mark

 

[Mark C]

As I re-read your question, Debra, I hope my response above does not appear too vague.

"what to do if she says no" is the key thing...

"No" to what? Yeshua/Jesus, understanding of Biblical marriage and polygyny, or to BEING a second wife?


If she says "no" to any of the first two questions above, the answer to the last question is immaterial, of course. I suggest that to ask the last question out of order can serve only to confuse her, or even worse. If she is teachable, however, you are able to "wait on the Lord" for the rest.


Blessings,

Mark