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What would you do.....

Discussion in 'Ladies Only' started by OhMyStars, Jul 19, 2017.

  1. OhMyStars

    OhMyStars New Member Female

    Something that has been on my mind for a while...but what would you do, say, or feel if this happened to you?

    So for sake of argument....let's say there is a plural family, been together for about a year, give or take. Things have been with all families, ups and downs, but good for the most part. Days are spent at jobs, evenings together at home, and nights are spent every other with the husband.
    The setup has worked very well...before bed the husband goes to the wife he won't be sleeping with, spends a few minutes with her, giving her a hug, kiss, tucking into bed, then goes to the other wife and they go to bed together. Depending on the night, sometimes the couple engage in marital rituals...sometimes not, but neither wife steps on the others toes by taking that night away from her SW, until one night it happens.
    Husband comes to this nights wife's bed after saying good night to the other wife. When this wife proceeds to get ready for the marital ritual, she gets told that the other wife already took care of his need. :eek: When she asks why he allowed that to happen when they had an agreement in place, he said it just happened. :confused:
    Seriously?! So this wife loses out on her needs and desires because the other decided to overstep and the husband didn't stop it. When this SW would never consider do that to her SW, how could she turn on her like that?!

    Now maybe some might see this as petty...but what are your thoughts?
    I'm interested to hear how one might handle a situation should this happen.

  2. FollowingHim2

    FollowingHim2 Well-Known Member Female

    One time? A husband and wife got carried away, one time? If it's a regular occurrence and an agreement was in place then that's a whole other story.
    There are other ways that a woman can have her needs and desires satisfied if hubby is already done.
    I imagine that there would be plenty of times when things happen that aren't fair, but no one was meaning to step on toes and you just have to be understanding about it.
    I don't see it as petty, because I understand that there are pretty big emotions involved with sex. But I do also realise that this stuff is part of a give and take in a PM. Sometimes you'll get hurt and have to deal with that, and sometimes you'll be the one doing the hurting, all when no one intended any hurt in the first place.
    Sarai, Sonshine, julieb and 4 others like this.
  3. Lili

    Lili Well-Known Member Female

    It does happen. I am sorry to say that I have stepped on toes in that respect in the past, not just once. Especially in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, passion can overtake you, and you don't mean any offense.

    However, you are right. It is disrespectful and self-absorbed to spend time with your husband that doesn't belong to you when there is an agreement in place. Even if it is just once, you are essentially saying that you don't care about your sister wife's relationship with your husband because why shouldn't you have the time with him instead? It comes down to the whole "MY husband, MY time, MY feelings" place where so much of the troubles in plural marriage arise.

    It doesn't have to be a big deal as long as you talk about it. Remember that it does need to be discussed if it hurts your feelings, even as a sensitive topic. If anything, it will hold everyone accountable for their actions, and you will walk away with a better understanding of how everybody likes to be treated.
  4. Well loved wife

    Well loved wife Well-Known Member Female

    Ouch!! Wow! Whose teeth should be knocked out first??? No, not really. I'm not in a plural relationship so....initially I'd want to respond out of pain, however being married as long as I've been I could see how things like this can 'just happen'. Being happily married and able to live in the moment, I can now see how some agreements may need to have grace or "if this happens then this" type of consequence...Because there was an agreement already that's where it gets tricky and he should have stopped the 'just happened' situation, as far as I'm concerned. So, being hurt and angry is a reasonable emotion, they broke an agreement, a trust issue is now on the table. I think I would respond with: I'm really hurt, I had expectations for tonight, I understood there was an agreement here. What is to happen now dear husband? My request would be to have him stay the night with her and I get the next two nights and resume as the schedule was in place after that. In my opinion an agreement/expectation was made, there needs to be a consequence (though consequence is really the wrong word here). If one or two people don't have to 'keep the agreements' then why should I.... the husband is going to have to step up and deal with this asap. I would want to get up early and make my request, and graciously reconcile with both parties. Marriage is awesome, intimacy is a HUGE part of it, and I would like to have the liberty to let loose and live in the mmm moments from time to time as well. There should be agreements or guidelines but realize they're not commandments. If this situation is constant or becomes an issue, maybe there's an underlying issue there. My heart says they are married too, but I don't disobey agreements because I don't want to hurt someone or be hurt. Well that's what I think, who knows how I would really respond, someone might wake up without teeth:eek:
    RainyLondonFog likes this.
  5. Joleneakamama

    Joleneakamama Well-Known Member Female

    I remember being in a poly chat room many years ago, when someone asked a long time plural wife if their family had a schedule. As I recall she responded with something to the effect of "After 30 years, we just do what we want."
    Expectations, and trying to hold others to agreements just isn't something that appeals to me. I think a date night a week, to make special plans on, might be nice, but I would want to leave a lot of room for letting life happen.

    After even 20 years, you know that it isn't about records, or trying to one up someone, or get your times worth. Why would another wife change a healthy attitude toward your intimate relationship?

    I do realize that if someone would never dream of doing that to a SW, it might be hard to understand another's actions, but here is when we need to keep in mind we are not all cookie cutter people, and extend the benefit of the doubt, and trust it was not an intentional hurt.

    When you start judging your partner (and SW) harshly, expect to get it back. Love and mercy are easier to deal with when you're reaping what you sowed.

    I must add that I used to have all kinds of issues that looking back on now I think we're totally silly. I am so glad I have learned to let stuff go. I forgive super I don't even care much of the time to even let a hurt register, and that means I don't have to punish anyone, or wait for an apology. Judging someone innocent is like trusting that their actions are motivated by love. Sweeter for sure.
    Sarai, Sonshine, mommyof4ms and 5 others like this.
  6. Quartus

    Quartus Member Male

    Doesn't Gen 30:14-16 offer a suggestion? Not that the underlying circumstances seem at all similar, but an agreed "hire" might avoid worse emotions or revenge building up especially if it recurred.

    I note the hire was something the sisters agreed between themselves, otherwise I might suggest domestic duties....
    RainyLondonFog likes this.
  7. WifeOfHisYouth

    WifeOfHisYouth Well-Known Member Female

    OMS- thank you for posting this. It is a great thing to think about in this life. The emotions come up, oh how the emotions flood in. My first thought was "how could she!" That would hurt my heart too. Reactions come up.. However, he is the one that is responsible. It is his house, and it was his decision to proceed.
    If he were to come to bed hard from his visit with his other wife I doubt he would have been getting any from the wife he was sleeping next to anyway lol we are emotional, we get hurt, we make things bigger than they need to be. I'm guilty of this (even yesterday my poly emotions were sky high- poor husband). Try to be gracious, talk it out and remind your husband there are other ways to satisfy you if he can't go for another joy ride ;)

    Yes, I will probably write the same heartbreak in the future and remind me of my own words ladies <3
    Sonshine, mommyof4ms, julieb and 3 others like this.
  8. HisSilver

    HisSilver New Member Female

    My marriage is not currently plural, so I can not speak from experience, but I can say, I am sorry for your pain. Unmet expectations can really hurt. I can say then from experience. As others have said, I think it is best to communicate your feelings to both of them as calmly as possible, but not to demand any "rights." I hope I would be able to do this. :(;):)
  9. Well loved wife

    Well loved wife Well-Known Member Female

    Oops. @Quartus im sure that it's an innocent mistake, but this thread is for the ladies only:oops:
    FollowingHim2 likes this.
  10. Quartus

    Quartus Member Male

    Yes sorry, I will have to be more careful following "New posts" from now on :(
  11. FollowingHim2

    FollowingHim2 Well-Known Member Female

    I had further thoughts on this. I think this sort of situation happens all the time, but in other relationships we don't notice it as much because we've learned to deal with it.
    For example, say a woman and her sister plan to go shopping together on Thursday. They both have items they need to buy and want each other's opinion. On Wednesday night the sister rings and says that she doesn't need to go shopping anymore because she went with her friend that day instead, sort of a spur of the moment thing. However, she can still come and hang out on Thursday, or they can go shopping just for the woman if she wants.
    Yes it's a bit of a let down. They had plans and something else happened. But we wouldn't freak out about this, it wouldn't be classed as a betrayal. We would just move on and change plans and accept it. This scenario happens in many other relationships, even work ones if you think about it. We learn give and take in life. A relationship with a sisterwife should be no different.
    Sonshine, julieb, MissJ and 2 others like this.
  12. Well loved wife

    Well loved wife Well-Known Member Female

    I know there is to be grace and understanding, that is how I try to respond. Love for all members of the family, joy for those that are also being fulfilled and peace in the spirit of the home and family is where I keep working my mind and heart to. I have to fight the me and my mindset. My hang up here is the agreement that was made, was broken. It's great and healthy to be spontaneous-sheesh if you're going to be in a marriage by all means be married, enjoy all the perks! I think this thread has shown to me that some agreements need to be thought out. If agreements are made all parties should live to that agreement, maybe some need to be amended or gone away with. Submitting yourselves one to another... I think very black and white, there's no gray for me. It's really about what other agreements will be allowed to be broken, not what was "taken away".
    MissJ likes this.
  13. Lili

    Lili Well-Known Member Female


    Agreements aren't always perfect, and they do need to be reevaluated here and there. The problem is, if you make an agreement you need to be amenable to consequences if the agreement is broken by you.

    In my situation, my consequence was I got less time with my husband for a date. It wasn't fun, but it taught me a lesson about making contracts.
  14. mommyof4ms

    mommyof4ms New Member Female

    A very real situation that happens in various ways. I know that it is best for my marriage if my hubby's other marriages are doing well, too. So, I try to be supportive of them being happy as well. Someone mentioned unmet expectations as one of the biggest issues here. Communication is key--use this as an opportunity to share your needs and expectations with both your husband and sister wife, but especially your husband.

    For me, I walked in on hubby having an intimate video chat with sister wife. Was hard not to react negatively. We had to work out a system of how I could know it best to not walk in to the room and for me to politely do something else should I walk into a naturally, spontaneous interaction. I want the freedom to be spontaneous with my hubby as well so I need to exhibit this grace to my sister wives.

    Joleneakamama likes this.
  15. Sonshine

    Sonshine Active Member Female

    I know I'm a little late to the party on this post...
    But, I have to chime in and say "thank you"! Thank you for writing this and giving me something to bring up to the family. :) When I first read this I was a little bit astounded that would happen. That anyone could be so inconsiderate. And while my soon-to-be sisterwife and I did talk about this and agree that we'd never want to hurt each other like this, the husband brought up a good point. One that I'm sure I read on here from someone else...

    We pretty much all do things that hurt each other. For me, doing things like this--things that would interrupt what I believe are my "wifely rights"--seem to go into the "absolutely-the-worst-thing-you-could-ever-do-in-a-million-years" category. Why? Probably because I'm super-sensitive to it right now. I'm fairly certain the husband and sisterwife could look at me sideways right now and I'd just assume they want me to leave to the next state. It's a very sensitive issue, so I know--for me--I tend to be, maybe, a little less forgiving in this department.

    So, I guess, while there's no way I would ever deliberately do something like this, it all comes down to... we all make mistakes. And while this one may feel apocalyptic, it's in no special category. Well, as Christians it's automatically in the "add-it-to-the-list-of-things-I-have-to-be-graceful-about-and-practice-forgiveness-for" category. I'll admit that for me, right now, with the husband and sisterwife getting married in, like, two weeks, and me feeling like that means my world is basically crashing down around me--that will be the most difficult thing in the world for me to do. I can be forgiving in almost any other scenario. I've always been that way. And then polygyny happened. Which just means growth. And growth hurts.

    So, even though you've already been given ample advice from many amazing ladies--I'll reiterate that you should discuss it, forgive it, and move on. I pray that your husband and sisterwife are people who love you so much that they do their best to take your desires to heart. :)
  16. julieb

    julieb Women's Ministry Staff Member Female

    I have been reading this thread but have not really felt like I had anything to add to the thoughtful replies but I have thought several times about the husband's responsibly to a wife when he knows it is "her night".

    Does the husband have any responsibility in this situation? The replies seem to focus on the SW and her either "allowing it" or "instigating intimacy" and her thoughtlessness in that action The example doesn't even say what her part was in creating the "situation." Does the husband just get to go with the flow no matter which wife is appealing to him at a certain moment? Or should he have more self control at times like described, and set boundaries for those designated nights of intimacy? What if it wasn't a designated night of intimacy? Would it mean the same to the offended wife if it wasn't?

    Back to the SW, does it matter if it was her tempting her husband or her just responding to her husband? What if he was the one who started down that road, should she say, "Honey, we shouldn't because..."

    What if the husband had never even said anything but just focused on giving to his wife in other ways? Would that be okay to the offended wife? Maybe she would think that odd, given history of intimacy with him? Would his actions seem deceitful or would they seem wise?

    Just a few thoughts that go thru my mind.....:)