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What's it Going to Take?

Sonshine

Sonshine

Member
Real Person
Female
It's been a couple of months almost since I've been on here and so much has happened! I won't get into all of it, but the important stuff is that husband and his GF took a kind of break.
Well, now due to circumstances out of our control, we have to really figure out what our family is going to look like. We're moving to a new home and I think my husband sees that God's hand is in all of this. From getting some separation from our area, to finding a home that would fit all of us, to there being a desire there on his and GF's part, etc.. He sees that this is meant to be and now is the time do this.
So, here's where I'm at.
Unfortunately, that separation between the two of them was actually a real eye-opener for me. An eye-opener that I was making myself WANT polygamy. That, I was trying for them. Not that I don't love them both, but that for myself, personally, I wouldn't choose this. I would choose to keep all the great things about my life--a life that I really love and have always loved.
Now, having said that, you all need to understand that I'm a submissive wife. This isn't a matter of me saying, "No!! I'm not doing this!", proceeded by my kicking and screaming and making threats. Nope. That's not what's happening.
What's happening is that even though I can't say that I see this as God's will, I'm trusting my husband when he says that he does. I'm putting my faith in him that he knows what he's talking about.
So, I decided, and said, "Let's do this...Even if it's not what I WANT, I can pray and make the best of it."

Well, husband's GF doesn't want that. She says she cares about me so much that the possibility of my being miserable in this keeps her from going forward. She wants this to be something that I really want. Now, I can understand that, but I don't like it. I don't want to be the reason they aren't happy.

Husband says that if I just got over all my insecurities and issues that I would want this. I would see the good with the bad. I believe him. I mean, I know that I have issues. But, I don't see all the good things he keeps talking about. I see that it can be something I'm content with--just maybe not necessarily happy. I would make it the best I could, but giving up half my nights with my husband, not having as much access to him that I have now, and dealing with all the outside people (another topic for another time), and just how different my life would be--none of this sounds good to me. The wonderful marriage that I love will change. My home would change. My life is already changing what with moving and so many other things... I am just so overwhelmed right now.

I don't want to lose his GF. Because she really is my friend. And you all should know that she's amazing and she loves me so much. She grieves when she knows I'm hurting over this.

And I want her and husband to have their happiness. But, I don't know how to want it for myself other than following God's will. I just don't. And, unfortunately, my husband says it's a choice what to focus on. I guess I disagree that I can just choose to WANT this. I CAN choose to go with it and make the best.

So, I need advice. How do I proceed? How do I get myself to a place of wanting this so much? Wanting to go to their wedding? Wanting to change my life up? How do I be happy about those things apart from happiness in obedience?
 
"Want" is not really the right word here. You "want" to go ahead and pursue polygamy, because you can see God's hand in it and you are submitted to your husband. And you don't "want" to pursue polygamy, because you can see all the good things about the life you had with your husband and you can see the ways in which moving forward will be hard (as well as rewarding, in some ways because it's hard...). This is a big, daunting, life-changing decision, and how you feel about it is the least of your worries.

What it sounds like they're looking for (and now you're looking for) is to create a certain kind of emotional state around this (happiness, enthusiasm, etc). And I say that's a mistake.

When a family moves from one house to another—even if it's just across town, let alone across the country or around the world—most people's normal emotions are a big jumbled mess. Sadness for what you're leaving behind, the good times, the familiarity, but maybe some nervous excitement about the future and whatever opportunity is prompting the move. And the closer it gets to "go" time, the more prominent the sadness will become, until you're finally crying as you carry out the last box and lock the door for the last time. Decorating the new house will be fun and invigorating in a way, but it will also occasionally poke you in a memory that can call up some nostalgia or even some regret. And then at some point (different for different people), the old memories become less significant and the new memories you're making take over.

Same for when a kid moves out of the house, same for the last kid and the empty nest, same for when a couple that has enjoyed their 'coupleness' has their first child and everything changes. This is just circle of life stuff. We deal with it how we deal with it, but we can't really force emotions around that. Focus on obedience and finding God's purpose in what you're doing, not putting on a happy face. The happy face will come when it comes; you don't need to force it.
 
We came close to adding a wonderful gal to our family almost five years ago. I had been very willing to share my life, family, and if course hubby for ten years at that point. I was very hopeful, and enthusiastic about her, and I totally saw God's hand in so many details and aspects. I welcomed the change and upheaval that would have gone with that choice, and she had a hard time understanding that.
If you truly love them both, and they love you, you all have a chance at making an extraordinary life together.
What Andrew said about circle of life stuff is spot on. When we moved into this old house my hubby grew up in, it didn't feel at all like home, or that it was even "mine." All his siblings had years of memories here. Now I have more years here then they do, and it is home in every sense.
Life changes constantly, and we cannot stay static. It's good to enjoy where you are, but it's also good to look ahead, and go where God takes you.
You can only know the results of the choices you make. But you could torture yourself indefinitely wondering about all the what ifs.

Losing that potential sisterwife was the hardest thing I have been through. But not caring about her,or meeting her, would have been a loss too.
Back when I met my hubby it was almost scary how fast my life changed. But it's not scary looking back on the years we've had together.

I hope you find peace and grace through this time, and courage too, and that you will look back in a few years and count the blessings giving thanks for God's goodness, no matter what size your family may be.
 
In my sometimes humble opinion, I believe it all comes down to roles. What are the roles and who gave them.
As far as I can tell, there are only 5. (1). The master - God, (2) The trustee or servant - Husband. (3) The First Wife - helpmeet. (4) Additional wives - helpmeet. (5) Beneficiaries - Children

Only the master can assign roles. This is extremely important. Your husband is not the husband because the two of you decided to get married. In the same manner, you are not the wife because you decided to get married. Both of you serve in your roles at the pleasure of your master. There are certain job descriptions for each role that are expressed by the master.
If another helpmeet is added, by your master, why would you be upset at the trustee? The master has just increased the trustee's responsibilities as well as shown favor and honor presumably for being a good trustee/servant. Has your role changed? Who were you serving before the other helpmeet was introduced to your trustee's household? That's a critical question. Now, who were you helping before the other helpmeet was introduced to your trustee's household? Both questions should have the same answers after the other helpmeet is introduced to the household.

In your post above, it seems obvious that you have a good man who sounds confident that he is walking in his master's will and with his direction. It also seems to me that you are counting the blessings that have come from being with this man who walks in tune with his master. However, I would submit that it sounds like your "happiness" has been based upon the peripheral benefits rather than the primary benefit . . . . Your master has seen fit to let you be a helpmeet to one who walks with and is directed by Him! If it is true that you both serve God, and God were to entrust another helpmeet to your husband, would he be the same man who walked with God if he refused this responsibility?

Something to think about, you may be assuming that if he doesnt go through with it that things will remain as they have always been. That all of the benefits that your Godly husband has showered upon you will remain the status quo. However, if this is of God, and he does not respond with obedience, can you truly say that you are married to a man who follows God, and how will that change affect the rest of your life together and the current status quo?

As Job so aptly said, The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Who are you serving? Who are you helping? If you can change your happy to whose team you're on, rather than the benefits that come from being on the team, the benefits will naturally come from being on a great team.

Praying for you guys that His will be done!
 
After posting a minute ago, my wife brought to my attention something that all of us responders have missed entirely. Now my wife is an incredible woman that everyone who gets to know her loves her. Very quiet, unassuming and yet very wise. And also very shy about putting her thoughts into forums. And so, I will try to put down her comments as I think she has hit the nail on the head.

She commented that she feels very much the same as @ChristineP. Now, we do not have any prospects just dying to join our family and at this point it is just something that if God were to direct that way we would follow. However, the subject is openly discussed between us more as a "what if" scenario. She is very up front with me that her preference would be that she does not want it, much like @ChristineP, but that the want has nothing to do with it. It is all about obedience. "Where the head goes, the feet follow." (Her words, not mine). My Mrs. Veritas may never want it, but that's not the point. She is willing to follow wherever God leads! That makes me a man blessed beyond anything that I am worthy of!
The long and short of it was that Mrs. Veritas was very impressed by your commitment to follow even if you weren't happy. After all, the best way to stay married is to stay committed. It is not our responsibility to want, only to obey with a good heart attitude toward God. You may never want it. I know it helps but that's not the point! Loving where you are helps, but I am a witness to a marriage that stayed together till death simply because they both were too stubborn to quit.

As long as the three of you are convinced that this is God's leading, and all three of you are committed to moving forward, then follow God. Don't wait for perfect conditions because that may never come. Make sure of your foundation, then build your house!
 
Just briefly, I agree thoroughly with Andrew that want is the wrong word.
Most days I want PM, some days I truly don't.
Most days I want to be a Mum, and some days I don't.
I definitely never wanted to live in a house with solar power and a compost toilet, but it's had a whole heap of advantages that I never would have seen, and I followed and trusted that Samuel was making the right decision. I still don't want them, but some days I do.
Want can be all over the place. It's definitely the wrong word.
 
ChristineP, sounds like she's uncomfortable for the moment with your being submitted because it means she'll need to do so as well. That you're sticking with it and not focusing on me me me means this thing is real. In which case you're OK — and she'll be OK too; she and hubby can sort that out, the terrain is just less familiar than that of jealousy etc.
 
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I maybe shouldn't comment, since I have no practical, experiential knowledge of even a single marriage, let alone more. But the discussion about "want" being the wrong word dove-tails nicely with something that I only recently learned.

The Greek word for "prayer" (proseuchomai) actually comes from the word for "wish" (euchomai), with a prefix (pros-) indicating directionality -- literally, "directional wishing" -- to wish towards a specific purpose. In other words, if you are praying for a thing, you are not only asking God for it, but also wishing for that thing. (Admittedly, this almost sounds like the whole "power of positive thinking" heresy, but the difference is that there, the direction of the wish is self-oriented rather than God-oriented). Of course, God may or may not grant the request, but either way, He will grant peace:

In nothing be anxious, but in everything, by prayer (proseuchomai) and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus. (Phil. 4:6-7 WEB)​

The word peace there has to do with harmony, accord, and unity. So perhaps rather than wanting happiness, try "wishing" (praying) towards harmony/peace?
 
Verifyveritas76 said:
You may never want it.
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I get the rhetorical point VV76 is making here and agree that it should be taken into account, but want to unpack this a little bit.

This is not a binary choice made once: you either do or don't "want" polygamy. It's not black or white; it's more like an artist's palette, and you decide what colors you're going to use to paint your life in an ongoing process of following the leading of the Spirit from day to day.

You're always going to have a committee of different voices meeting in your head. Your job is to chair the committee, and not just surrender the gavel to one or the other voice. You will always have a bundle of competing "wants" or "perceived needs" or "desires" or "whims" or whatever. You figure out how to manage that unruly group in some way that makes sense over the long haul.

And it appears that you're doing that the best you can. The problem comes in here:
ChristineP said:
Well, husband's GF doesn't want that. She says she cares about me so much that the possibility of my being miserable in this keeps her from going forward. She wants this to be something that I really want. Now, I can understand that, but I don't like it. I don't want to be the reason they aren't happy.
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It sounds like there are some issues here that need to be worked out, not so much on your end as on hers, or maybe theirs. Are your husband or your possible SW on the forum here?
 
It sounds like your sister wife-to-be (hopefully!) has a good head on her shoulders. She is looking out for you. It shows that she is selfless enough to put her own relationship on hold to make sure that your family has a fighting chance, and that is going to be a good quality going forward.

I think the thing you need to get straight in her head is you don't always want polygamy, but you do it because you think it's worth it. In my opinion, *that* is the important part. Does everybody feel in their heart and soul that a plural marriage is worth the heartache, the struggles, etc. that will come? If you can say yes at the end of the day, that's the big part. I agree with Andrew 100% in that happiness will come when it comes. You can't force it just because your husband and his girlfriend want the perfect circumstances right off the bat. That isn't realistic.

Honestly, Christine, you just have to be sure that you're willing to wait and see, and I think you're there. I admire you so much for that. :)

I am praying for y'all.
 
@Verifyveritas76, gosh, I really hope I get to meet you and your wife someday face to face. Great post!


I seem to keep going back to the girlfriend’s statement in my mind. Do you ever hear something that seems “right” but deep down you know something is off with it? I have heard several different first wives tell me that the potential second wife has said, “I won’t do this if it makes you so unhappy.” I suspect that many ladies mean this, and that some do not, but for this post let’s go with the one who means it. It sounds kind and selfless but is it really? I mean is it really something that should be said to the first wife who is sorting thru the loss of her idea of marriage, figuring out how this new life will be lived logistically and most likely no small amount of feeling like “where the heck is God in all this?” It reminds me of Dr. Spock and the “great” things he recommended for raising a creative, thoughtful and caring child thru no restrictions and friendship parenting. It sounded good but what it created was selfish, disrespectful and emotionally lost children.


My point is that the girlfriend or potential lady doesn’t have the authority to make such a statement. It sounds so good coming from a monogamous mindset where we are highly sensitive to other women wanting to take our husbands from us but if we look at it from a Biblical worldview where husbands have the ability to love and care for multiple women and thus that must mean that we women have the ability to share one man, then that statement wouldn't be in our mindset. Whether we marry a certain man shouldn’t hinge on the approval of any other wife, it hinges on whether that man wants to marry us and we him. Also, any woman coming into a family shouldn’t have to carry the burden of making any other wife “happy or okay” with their life. We each are responsible for our well being through our relationship with Jesus Christ. It doesn’t mean that we can’t add happiness to others lives but we as individuals shouldn’t have the burden of making someone else “okay” or “happy”, that can only come from deep within each of us.


Christine, it is nice that your husband’s girlfriend cares enough about you to say “she won’t do it if it hurts you so much” but you can’t stand on that statement it is made of sand. It doesn’t have the authority behind it to be used as a reason to be at peace with plural marriage or not be at peace with it. That only comes from you and your relationship with God, and your relationship with your husband. He has the authority to say, trust me, I am hearing from God and I will make a good decision for the family, but even trusting in your husband can only be done by ultimately trusting in your Heavenly Father. As others have stated in different ways, this is a mind, spirit and emotional journey just for you. You decide who you serve, what truths you use to build your foundation of self and what your attitude shall be as you walk the path laid before you.


With hope for the future...
 
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julieb said:
I seem to keep going back to the girlfriend’s statement in my mind. Do you ever hear something that seems “right” but deep down you know something is off with it? …
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This gets all the "like" — julieb has nailed it. A post for the ages. An "if-you-read-only-one-thing-make-sure-this-is-it" post.
 
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I shouldn't comment because I have no experience but it seems like they are concerned for you and just want to make sure there are no train wrecks in the future. Normally that is the first advice everyone gives here. The problem this time seems to be that the burden of action and the risk of failure needs to land squarely on the man's shoulders. You're being asked to reassure them. And that's probably fine to a point. But searching for a plastic happy approval is not a good idea. But I would imagine the concern comes from good place. The most important ingredient to having two wives is keeping the first one. It sounds like your husband is very focused on that. I say give them some happy faces and gentle reassurances as an act of service. But not if you'll hold it against them.
 
I have such a wealth of good advice to consider here!
So, let me just add that my husband and potential SW have read all of these with me. And, I think I should add some things that (especially husband) considers pertinent to my original post.
A lot of my feelings of "not wanting" poly come from my insecurities and fears. All things that I've shared with both DH and PSW. They know where my feelings are on everything. I think my husband, perhaps, doesn't necessarily need me to be "happy" (something he clarified later) or even to want ALL of polygamy. His issue is that I can get so far in my head and my worries and insecurities that I can't see the forest through the trees. In those moments I, literally, can't see ANYTHING good about poly except that I'm being obedient. Nothing. Zilch. In fact, as my husband put it, I don't just "not want' polygamy; on a scale of 1-10, I'm a negative 5,000. And he just wants me to get my head in the right place and not base my wants and attitude on my feelings.

So, I'm working through that. I can actually say that through some honest-to-goodness real conversation with the two of them this weekend, I have a better mindset. Not perfect. But, better. I'm asking them both to be patient with me and hoping that through prayer, I'll come to just accept those things that I'm "mourning" and move on.

Now that it's getting "real", I have no choice but to make the best of things. I know my husband feels much better about my attitude. From them discussing their possible wedding and me vehemently saying I wouldn't want to go, to having a discussion about it where I kept my feelings under control.
As for PSW, I think she feels better about where I am also. I think it would be easier if I was jumping up and down just BEGGING her to start this journey with us. But, to be honest, not one of us is doing that. We all have issues that scare us about this a little bit. I think everyone's just worried that MY fears will control me to the point of pulling away...Which I have a bad habit of doing. I'm working through that, too.

Anyway, I just want to thank you all for your advice. So many things that were said really struck a chord with me. And there were times when husband would read something and go, "See!! THAT'S what I mean!" It's given us a lot to consider and talk about.

I actually think that if there are any first wives on here that are living polygamy right now, I may need to bend your ear a bit. There are some more personal things that I need to discuss/work on that I think only a first wife could give insight to. :)

@andrew , @Joleneakamama , @ZecAustin , @FollowingHim2 , @Verifyveritas76 , @Lili , @mystic , @Shibboleth and @julieb : Thank you all! I'm trying to talk my husband into posting on here, too. :)
 
ChristineP said:
And he just wants me to get my head in the right place and not base my wants and attitude on my feelings.
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Wisdom, here. Emotions are important but have to be put in balance with other important things.

It really encourages me that you are all talking and sharing your concerns and fears, along with the positives, about plural marriage with each other. Can't say enough about how important that is. Kudos to you all!

Christine, I am a first wife who has lived plural for 20 years. I would be happy to answer any questions you have, just message me and ask away. :)
 
Thanks, Julie! My husband is really big on people not letting their emotions guide them. And I think I've always just thought our negative emotions shouldn't guide us. I'm actually realizing that I tend to make decisions from the mountains and the valleys--probably not good either way. I honestly wish emotions weren't something that I struggled with so much.

We are all very good at talking! LOL! We actually really enjoy watching movies together and were just laughing the other day about how it's been so long since we've sat down and watched one because it seems like there's always some issue to discuss! :) But, I don't think any of us minds too much. And we're all very open, so it helps. :)

Julie, thank you so much for being willing to talk to me!
 
ChristineP said:
My husband is really big on people not letting their emotions guide them. And I think I've always just thought our negative emotions shouldn't guide us. I'm actually realizing that I tend to make decisions from the mountains and the valleys--probably not good either way. I honestly wish emotions weren't something that I struggled with so much.
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Just reminded me of how the apostle Peter got himself in trouble on more than one occasion while acting out of zeal.
 
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