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Why stop at 2 wives, why not 3 or 4 or 5...?

Discussion in 'Gentlemen Only' started by PolyPride, Dec 21, 2009.

  1. FollowingHim

    FollowingHim Administrator Staff Member Male

    From what I have seen, everyone wants all under one roof, that's the picture they have in their mind. Some find however that it doesn't work for their family in practice, and that's perfectly ok also.
  2. Slumberfreeze

    Slumberfreeze Esteemed Member Male

    As if I could afford separate houses!

    But even if I was a high roller, I wouldn't want to separate my women. First off I don't want them to ignore each other's existence to the extent that they begin to imagine themselves the 'only real wife' and then be shaken up every time they are forced by circumstance to acknowledge that I have another wife every bit as wifey as them. That isn't my ideal.

    Second, I believe one of the primary reasons for having a wife is to have a helper. I don't especially want any corps of people who are supposed to be assisting me with my goals to be compartmentalized. I'm not a dang intelligence agency. I would want my helpers to be well practiced in helping each other help me, rather than duplicating efforts or (ugh) competing with my affection as the prize. I've had two women trying to win me over with baked goods before. I DON'T LIKE BAKED GOODS.

    Third - Sort of like the last one, I believe that a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. My vision of a strong poly marriage is sort of dependent on this principle. A separated family structure (I gedankenexpirement) would at all times leave at least one wife isolated and alone with her own thoughts, leaving her vulnerable in the midst of a culture that does not agree with or understand her lifestyle, to being asked pointed questions and told divisive lies, and only her husband to come rescue her or talk her through it, if he isn't too busy. Whereas in a unified family living arrangement, she is a 'full time' member of the family unit, even if hubby is on a date with the other wife. And hopefully her uh... co-wife? is looking out for her best interests and emotional state enough to defend and heal her also. Some clucky busybody might sniff and make a comment to a loner woman/mistress in a grocery store, but would she do so if Hubby and other wife were with her? And if she did would it matter? Nothing makes comments as ineffective as your crew having your back.

    Fourth- My ideal is that poly isn't the goal any more than marriage is a goal. Paul says marriage something you should do if you must, and do without if you have no need. The goal is how you are able to advance the kingdom while our hearts are still beating. I would feel like a colossal failure if the greater part of my wealth went to supporting multiple houses to accommodate my women unless there was a serious need to do so... Every family unit has it's own needs and peculiarities, but for myself I would not want to live like that.

    Fifth - My children should have access to me as much as possible. Even if it's "other wife's day" or whatever. My kids are my kids and they need me when they need me. There are always exceptions to the rule, but that's the rule.

    Sixth - Honestly, at what point does a man come home to be greeted by the sparkling eyes of his adoring fan club if he purposefully segregates them? Women are serious business and hard work. Give a homie some incentive!
  3. Verifyveritas76

    Verifyveritas76 Moderator Staff Member Male

    I could be mistaken about this but here's my take on the subject. The idea of enlarging the tent indicates adding more waw's or 'tent stakes', to the existing cover, not an additional tent.
    It seems to me that it would be difficult if not impossible to thoroughly protect two separate dwellings simultaneously
    The question also arises, How do you fulfill your requirement to stand in the door of your tent? Which door do you stand in when the judge or adversary comes knocking?
    It's also interesting that in Isaiah 4:1, the only thing the women don't offer to provide for themselves is housing. I believe that is because the women expected cohabitation which was usually a stipulation of the ketubah.
  4. FollowingHim

    FollowingHim Administrator Staff Member Male

    I thoroughly agree with both of you that from a theoretical perspective, for all the reasons you have mentioned and more, one house sounds best. However as I said there are those who have found that from a practical perspective, for various reasons, two houses works better for their particular family. That doesn't mean they necessarily become divided into two separate families, if the houses are close by they can eat together at one for instance, both houses becoming "home" collectively. And there can be distinct advantages to this arrangement also, as then one home can be more freely used for hospitality. Many people in this ministry have benefited greatly from one particular family with this very arrangement, that I believe YHWH has deliberately caused them to end up in for this very purpose. We all have a picture of what is ideal and can argue for ever that that is correct - but we need to hold our dreams loosely enough to be willing to follow YHWH's leading even if it looks different to what we imagined. However well reasoned, our logic isn't necessarily His will.
  5. Mojo

    Mojo Esteemed Member Male

    A friend of a friend came from a polygynous family in Iran. His upbringing was a two story dwelling in which one wife had the top, the other the bottom.

    I think separation might be inevitable, or necessary at times. I think of the separation of women during their "unclean" times may have been God's practical way of separating wives temporarily, as much as it was for purification purposes. I'm sorry, but from my experiences, even the most loving of female friends can come to near blows during "that time".

    I don't have a second wife (still hoping) but I envision two dwellings on the same property, even if it's a converted garage, or separate-entrance back room where the SWs can go to a "neutral corner" if necessary.

    "better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman."
    ZecAustin and FollowingHim like this.
  6. ZecAustin

    ZecAustin Esteemed Member Male

    Two houses is a lot of work.
    Sonny Chancelor likes this.
  7. aineo

    aineo Moderator Staff Member Male

    I personally like the idea of a common living area with efficiency apartments as wings. In the common area would be a great room (or living room - whatever term you wish to use), a kitchen, a dining area, and a bathroom. The wings would be designed for each wife, including her bedroom, a small kitchenette, a bathroom, a small living room, and rooms for the children. In my own situation, I would prefer the husband to also have a bedroom and an office, where he could spend time in solitude for prayer,, study, or an important project for which he needs quiet. I think this gives the wives each a way to make their home individual while not compromising the cohesive family unit.

    From a monetary perspective, sure, it adds some expense with the kitchenettes and extra living areas, as well as the "master" bedroom and office, but if one could afford such a setup, it seems ideal to me.
    Verifyveritas76 and Mojo like this.
  8. Mojo

    Mojo Esteemed Member Male

    Nice! Maybe a flower design. The central (pistil/stamen) common area is for dining, fellowship, socializing, and entertainment. The off shooting wings (petals) would be for sleep, solitude, study, intimacy, privacy, etc. The wings could be disconnected, as long as the majority of time is spent in the "common" area for family development.
    aineo likes this.
  9. NetWatchR

    NetWatchR Esteemed Member Male

    Since the convo is going in that direction, there was a thread for possible house designs. I'll link it here when I find it so we don't hi-jack the thread (*cough* *cough*).

    EDIT: Added link.
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2017
  10. Mojo

    Mojo Esteemed Member Male

    Thank you.
    NetWatchR likes this.
  11. HOHofwives

    HOHofwives Member

    Our family has been looking for 3rd wife for about two years we have had a couple of possibilities very serious possibilities . I do believe that if we pray about it and it was meant to happen they God will bring the right person to the family the unusual thing with our family is we all sleep in the same bed me and my wives .we had one lady who was very serious but that was just one point that she could not get over in the way that this family has run is that everything is shared no one has their own space when you live in one house you all have to learn to share. And if we were to make a rule that allowed the next wife to have her own room it's not fair to the other wives would've had to share for years and years . So really it comes down to compatibility finding the right person that's compatible with your family. I know my first wife I married in 1986 and all of our friends told us we got along too well because we didn't fight well most of our friends are all divorce and we're just going just fine . I think it's for us that our family is wrong with the man is the head of the household I know my second wife and I are coming up on five years . So if you're thinking of trying to find another wife pray about it see God's advice and within reason you have to look at is the person compatible with the family . With this one woman that was a possibility she wanted to have a little building built on our property for her the problem with that is going to scripture that is what is due the first wife shall not change if you take another wife . And then that lady suggested that we should all just move into the second wives house because there was more rooms there . But my second wife's house was no rental property for income for her and again what is due her shall not be changed . While I understand what the potential 3rd wife was wanting I was willing to put her up in our house and within a four year. If we saved 95% of everything she earned we could've bought a house and she could be rented out and with another 4 to 5 year. We probably have that paid off and then she'd have income, steady income for the rest of her life. But this lady was not willing to wait she needed everything now that's a compatibility issue. This is where any potential one that comes into the family has to be compatible with the family to make separate rules for just one it's not fair to the others . Well this particular potential 3rd wife ended up marrying someone else and within a year was divorced and now she's knocking back on the door . But with the same stipulations that she wanted last time so it was clear that we are not compatible and I may be that God doesn't have another woman for us chosen and that's fine because we are very blessed family .
    ZecAustin likes this.
  12. ZecAustin

    ZecAustin Esteemed Member Male

    Great post and well done not bending to her demands!
  13. Verifyveritas76

    Verifyveritas76 Moderator Staff Member Male

    Good post! BTW. I just realized we're practically neighbors. We live in Catoosa. If you and yours would like to get together sometime just PM me.
  14. Xexonix

    Xexonix New Member Male

    I personally feel for my family, it is best to remain within multiples of twos... The reason behind it, is that the SWs can create a bond, if you just add a 3rd/5th there is always going to be someone potentially left out...
  15. andrew

    andrew Administrator Staff Member Male

    OTOH, in my family if I'm doing anything special with one of the women, the other two have each other....
  16. IshChayil

    IshChayil Esteemed Member Male

    Nice post. I'm so glad I found this site; wish I'd known about it a few years ago.
    I wonder if the dynamic changes for those who grew up in polygamous families (mormons, muslims, etc.) versus those of us just working it out as we go. I say that because I remember one Mormon lady said she always wanted to be the 3rd wife; the the integration problems were harder for the 2nd wife and the 3rd was a much easier addition.
    Has anyone experienced this?
    I was wondering can the 3rd actually help bring balance?
    I like what Andrew wrote; makes sense. Right now when I'm with 1 the other is lonely or sometimes jealous.
    Verifyveritas76 and andrew like this.
  17. cubanito

    cubanito Active Member

    One roof would be best, more efficient in many ways. 2 or 3 roofs if distant is hectic, more expensive. That is not our first choice. Not impossible, just not prefered.
    If you don't mind distant roofs, you can find several mates outside the fence. They want to make the fence taller.
    Lower cost of living and more real freedoms helps too. If you don't mind your family apart, sure, is very possible and affordable that way. I personally don't choose that. Mothers / mates ignoring each other, children not being raised together, etc..
    But, sure it can be easily done and affordably. In venezuela for example you can buy a average house for 7000 dollars, near the beach.. Gasoline is 25 cents per gallon, electric 3 a month, water 1 dollar a month, 4 or 5 star hotels 20 a night, cabs 3 per hour.
    Many Miss universe ladies are from there and colombia. So, is quite possible.. Been there a few times and if you have income from here, you are very comfortable there. Just can't brag so, you don't get robbed. Poverty is harsh there.. Many people are in despair. You can help many ladies and children in real need if you can handle such distance. 4.5 hour flight from south east coast here. I do like that cost of living.. You can afford and help much more.
    To me the charm is seeing family help each other, real tight connection. Not just more scattered people i am responsible for. I know it sounds tough, but its what my heart sees. Only God knows the future.
    There is life outside the plantation fence.
    Last edited: May 14, 2017