The following was taken from the rough drafts of a book I am writing. The book is a practical guide to seeking out and living a Biblical polygynous lifestyle. It is not proclaimed to be some infallible and inspired writing that guarantees success. It is written by a farmer that is giving advice based on his personal observations from his life and the many he has counseled in this area. The name of the Chapter the following rough draft is for is " You keep them with what you won them with". I hope this will help those seeking to expand their family.
I have counseled a lot of men in the area of practicing polygyny. It has been my observation that most problems come from too much emphasis being put on whether or not wife 1 and wife 2 are best friends, or on how much they get along, in deciding who is the best candidate to add to a family. This may be wise if you have a totally secular or matriarchal family, but for those that desire to have a biblical, patriarchal family that mimics Christ and His Bride, this is a train wreck waiting to happen. I call this type of strategy, "Seeker Friendly Family". I borrowed that term from a program that helps churches build their numbers. They call the churches involved in this program "Seeker-Friendly" churches. The idea is to become as close as possible to the world to attract people into the church. I will give you some of the things this program says to do, and see if you can see the problems that can come from this type of approach. When you're looking over this list, ask yourself, "What is the purpose and function of a church supposed to be?" Does this list accomplish that mission, and if no, what does the list produce in the long run? Then I want you to apply that concept to attracting and choosing an additional wife.
In Seeker Friendly churches, the following is what the say should attract people to the church: Comfortable seats, latest technology in the presentation of the message and music, music that most closely resembles the music of the culture they live in, dynamic pastor, gymnasiums, softball and soccer fields, cappuccino machine, beautiful and attractive building, games for the youth, etc. The best of all these accouterments is what you should have in order to win over the public. Its a marketing blitz to win the largest share of the market over the competition -- other churches. These churches can't ever stop the construction because they are in a race with the competition. In the book I read on "Seeker-Friendly" churches, it said that you keep them with what you won them with. If they came for the dynamic preacher, when he's gone they are gone. If they came because you had the latest, greatest youth program, as soon as you do not have the latest greatest youth program they are gone to the church that does. I think you see the principle here. They are exactly right, you only keep them with what you win them. I ask you one question: would you rather have people attracted to the church because the truth of God's Word was being preached, the church was doing its God-mandated role and function in society, the people in the church understood their role and function inside the church, and they wanted to be a part of something bigger than themselves or would you rather have people attracted to the church because they desire the latest greatest church facilities, programs, and the status of attending a church with the nicest cars in the parking lot driven by people with the best cosmetic surgery money can buy, being able to network with those that can help you obtain the American dream of having a house with a 2 car garage that's nicer than your neighbors, the Jones'?
Just as Seeker-Friendly churches are guilty of looking to add to their body by attracting people with programs and "stuff", so are many men who are looking to add to their family. The results are never good, for either the church or the family. Men that want to sell a "best friend" to the potential wife as a drawing point, or who sell a "best friend" to the first wife as a way to make PM desirable, are no different the the tactics used by seeker friendly churches. They both take the focus off of the God-mandated roles in marriage and put the focus on exterior "fluff" benefits instead of core principles.
Whose relationship is more important, the husband/wife or the relationship between the wives? Yes they should love each other, but not because they get along, have compatible personalities, like the same tv show, or have the same zodiac sign. They should love each other because they are both loved by the same man,.and have the same role and functional with the same goal for the family, and most importantly, they should love each other because that is what Christ commanded. These should be the things that cause them to bond and become best friends. A side note-- men are commanded to love their wives from the very beginning and forever. Wives are never commanded to love their husbands. They are to learn to love their husbands from the older wives. This can only be accomplished when the older wives become selfless and put the desires and happiness of the husband and the other wife first. Only in this spirit can an older wife properly and effectively teach a new wife how to love and please their husband. Also, both wives have to put aside their self-preservation and not seek out that "special" place in the husband's heart for themselves.
Keep in mind I'm not saying the relationship between the wives is not important. It is important because it brings honor to the family and the Lord, not because a wife will get someone to watch a chick flick with. You put yourself in the right role and function for the right reasons, and you will automatically get someone to watch a chick flick and go shoe shopping with. There is proof of that in my home. It wasn't until everyone, including myself, realized what our roles and functions were inside the patriarchal family structure and started living out our roles and functions that we had a peaceful, God-honoring home. The most successful PM's are when all of the wives put the desires of the others ahead of their own desires.
If you picked someone based on the relationship between the wives, what happens when that relationship is gone? Answer: one or both wives are gone or everyone is living in misery. If you attract a wife by how well you can give her the nicer things in life, what happens when that capability is gone? I hope you can see how important it is what attracts a wife to you, because you really do keep them with what you won them with. Don't think you can attract her with a best friend as sisterwife and then change her focus to you. Its a lot easier, in the long run, to choose a wife that's attracted to you as a patriarch, first and foremost. Then work on the relationship with the other wife as you go along. If both wives understand where their focus should be, its a piece if cake.
I have personally seen men who used the tactic of putting their wife and any potential together to see if they bonded and became "best friends" before he pursued any type of courtship. This doesn't automatically spell disaster for a family, but I have seen very few families have long-term success using this approach. Most of the failures I have witnessed have involved some form of this "Seeker-Friendly" tactic. I have had men tell me that they don't understand why things fell apart, because the women started out as best friends, and the husband made sure that the women were compatible and were very close, before he pursued anything with a potential wife. But when the reality of living PM set in, their self-preservation kicked in, and jealousies that didn't exist while this lifestyle was only a theory suddenly came to the forefront when the lifestyle became a reality. The wives' relationship crumbled, and now the husband sits wondering what happened and why one or both of his wives are gone.
You really do keep them with what you won them with, whatever that may be.
Robert
Psalm 128
I have counseled a lot of men in the area of practicing polygyny. It has been my observation that most problems come from too much emphasis being put on whether or not wife 1 and wife 2 are best friends, or on how much they get along, in deciding who is the best candidate to add to a family. This may be wise if you have a totally secular or matriarchal family, but for those that desire to have a biblical, patriarchal family that mimics Christ and His Bride, this is a train wreck waiting to happen. I call this type of strategy, "Seeker Friendly Family". I borrowed that term from a program that helps churches build their numbers. They call the churches involved in this program "Seeker-Friendly" churches. The idea is to become as close as possible to the world to attract people into the church. I will give you some of the things this program says to do, and see if you can see the problems that can come from this type of approach. When you're looking over this list, ask yourself, "What is the purpose and function of a church supposed to be?" Does this list accomplish that mission, and if no, what does the list produce in the long run? Then I want you to apply that concept to attracting and choosing an additional wife.
In Seeker Friendly churches, the following is what the say should attract people to the church: Comfortable seats, latest technology in the presentation of the message and music, music that most closely resembles the music of the culture they live in, dynamic pastor, gymnasiums, softball and soccer fields, cappuccino machine, beautiful and attractive building, games for the youth, etc. The best of all these accouterments is what you should have in order to win over the public. Its a marketing blitz to win the largest share of the market over the competition -- other churches. These churches can't ever stop the construction because they are in a race with the competition. In the book I read on "Seeker-Friendly" churches, it said that you keep them with what you won them with. If they came for the dynamic preacher, when he's gone they are gone. If they came because you had the latest, greatest youth program, as soon as you do not have the latest greatest youth program they are gone to the church that does. I think you see the principle here. They are exactly right, you only keep them with what you win them. I ask you one question: would you rather have people attracted to the church because the truth of God's Word was being preached, the church was doing its God-mandated role and function in society, the people in the church understood their role and function inside the church, and they wanted to be a part of something bigger than themselves or would you rather have people attracted to the church because they desire the latest greatest church facilities, programs, and the status of attending a church with the nicest cars in the parking lot driven by people with the best cosmetic surgery money can buy, being able to network with those that can help you obtain the American dream of having a house with a 2 car garage that's nicer than your neighbors, the Jones'?
Just as Seeker-Friendly churches are guilty of looking to add to their body by attracting people with programs and "stuff", so are many men who are looking to add to their family. The results are never good, for either the church or the family. Men that want to sell a "best friend" to the potential wife as a drawing point, or who sell a "best friend" to the first wife as a way to make PM desirable, are no different the the tactics used by seeker friendly churches. They both take the focus off of the God-mandated roles in marriage and put the focus on exterior "fluff" benefits instead of core principles.
Whose relationship is more important, the husband/wife or the relationship between the wives? Yes they should love each other, but not because they get along, have compatible personalities, like the same tv show, or have the same zodiac sign. They should love each other because they are both loved by the same man,.and have the same role and functional with the same goal for the family, and most importantly, they should love each other because that is what Christ commanded. These should be the things that cause them to bond and become best friends. A side note-- men are commanded to love their wives from the very beginning and forever. Wives are never commanded to love their husbands. They are to learn to love their husbands from the older wives. This can only be accomplished when the older wives become selfless and put the desires and happiness of the husband and the other wife first. Only in this spirit can an older wife properly and effectively teach a new wife how to love and please their husband. Also, both wives have to put aside their self-preservation and not seek out that "special" place in the husband's heart for themselves.
Keep in mind I'm not saying the relationship between the wives is not important. It is important because it brings honor to the family and the Lord, not because a wife will get someone to watch a chick flick with. You put yourself in the right role and function for the right reasons, and you will automatically get someone to watch a chick flick and go shoe shopping with. There is proof of that in my home. It wasn't until everyone, including myself, realized what our roles and functions were inside the patriarchal family structure and started living out our roles and functions that we had a peaceful, God-honoring home. The most successful PM's are when all of the wives put the desires of the others ahead of their own desires.
If you picked someone based on the relationship between the wives, what happens when that relationship is gone? Answer: one or both wives are gone or everyone is living in misery. If you attract a wife by how well you can give her the nicer things in life, what happens when that capability is gone? I hope you can see how important it is what attracts a wife to you, because you really do keep them with what you won them with. Don't think you can attract her with a best friend as sisterwife and then change her focus to you. Its a lot easier, in the long run, to choose a wife that's attracted to you as a patriarch, first and foremost. Then work on the relationship with the other wife as you go along. If both wives understand where their focus should be, its a piece if cake.
I have personally seen men who used the tactic of putting their wife and any potential together to see if they bonded and became "best friends" before he pursued any type of courtship. This doesn't automatically spell disaster for a family, but I have seen very few families have long-term success using this approach. Most of the failures I have witnessed have involved some form of this "Seeker-Friendly" tactic. I have had men tell me that they don't understand why things fell apart, because the women started out as best friends, and the husband made sure that the women were compatible and were very close, before he pursued anything with a potential wife. But when the reality of living PM set in, their self-preservation kicked in, and jealousies that didn't exist while this lifestyle was only a theory suddenly came to the forefront when the lifestyle became a reality. The wives' relationship crumbled, and now the husband sits wondering what happened and why one or both of his wives are gone.
You really do keep them with what you won them with, whatever that may be.
Robert
Psalm 128
