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As a single mother, how do I lead a rebellious son?

J

jsw

New Member
My son just turned 13 a few months ago. He has been living with his father and step mother since he has been three years old. He has lived in the same home and attended the same school, so there is structure. What I do not understand is how my son has gotten to where he is today? His heart is so good and he "for the most part" respects (ME) fairly well. He has been failing in school now all year long. Two weeks ago, a week after I moved into our new home, he spray paints the neighbors garage. Then today I find out he has stolen a knife from his grandfather, and he is lying like crazy.

A little back round of Nathan: Step mom is there, but not there for him. I do feel she has much resentment towards Nathan whether she realizes it or not. Nathan's dad works a lot and I know does not spend much one on one time with him. Nathan's dad has already stated to me that his home is not in order and he needs to get it there, but never follows through. So at this point, I get my son every tuesday and every other week end. This is what I have to work with as far as time.

We are starting church this week and i have asked his father to allow me to pick him up every sunday so he can attend with me, so we will see on that. I do know one thing, I have changed a lot as far as how I handle things with my boys. I no longer get upset to the point of yelling. I know I have been making some progress with our conversations because he can seem to tell me what I have said after I've said it.

Today after I found out what he did, I started to talk to him and explain to him that one day he was going to have to lead his home and if he continues down this path of destruction that he will not be blessed with the tools to effectively run his home in a Christian manor. Then I had him read one of the resources on here out loud to me, the one about what it takes to be the parent and if we as parents show un-ruley behaviors then so will our sons/children. I was trying to get him to see what it takes on both sides of the situation. That it takes all of us to do the right thing. I am so not sure if that was the right thing to convey to a 13 year old. I have nothing to go on because my own mother never talked to me. So I am looking to some of you with experience and knowledge to maybe help out with some tips or scripture that may lead me in the right direction. :?:
 
Find a good male role model other than his father. I'm not saying his father is a bad role model. It's just everything he has known to be true has changed. Hopefully someone who he seems to respect already. Your church would probably be a good start. Above all, pray.
 
Today after I found out what he did, I started to talk to him and explain to him that one day he was going to have to lead his home and if he continues down this path of destruction that he will not be blessed with the tools to effectively run his home in a Christian manor. Then I had him read one of the resources on here out loud to me, the one about what it takes to be the parent and if we as parents show un-ruley behaviors then so will our sons/children. I was trying to get him to see what it takes on both sides of the situation. That it takes all of us to do the right thing. I am so not sure if that was the right thing to convey to a 13 year old. I have nothing to go on because my own mother never talked to me. So I am looking to some of you with experience and knowledge to maybe help out with some tips or scripture that may lead me in the right direction.
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I think you did the right thing and should do more of that. At 13 he is a 'man', yet is treated as a child. A lot of the conflict within young men comes from that, because it's much less damaging to treat a female like a child... even a grown woman may be loved to be called 'baby' and treated as such. So what he needs is to be trained in manhood, and he needs a more intense course being already 13 and already showing 'deficiency symptoms' (i.e. rebellion). I don't think you should so much fear him to be challenged too much, but too little. He may find too little to challenge him in his childish world (that he can only look down on in disdain perhaps).

I had 2 middle school / teenage sons as a single mom... the one began the 'leaving me' process at age 12 and ended it at 14 when he returned to his dad. He was a real 'rebellious' type. Can't say that I learned more from the things I did right with him, as from the things I did wrong. We still have issues.

After his brother left, I began treating my other son more like the man of the house, which gradually increased as he got older. He was certainly no angel. I didn't know how to train him either, but by the grace of God, after some years of him facing new challenges (some by necessity), he totally gave up his old ways, got saved, and responded very well, beginning even to challenge himself. Success. He's a wonderful son. I wish the same for your son... with prayers.
 
jsw,
I don't post much here, but I am now because my heart goes out to you and your boy. I have four sons and have not had to deal with rebellion from them (yet) but I was a very rebellious child. I started getting high when I was 12 and know that having a lack of positive influences/people can affect a kid greatly. One thing that stuck out after reading your post was that your say your boy has stability because he's been in the same home and school. This isn't necessarily true. Of course there's a lot I don't know about your situation and assumptions are rarely good to make....I just wanted to say I agreed with the other folks advice, he needs a strong man to show him what God expects from him (and the consequences when we don't listen ). I also wanted to offer my friendship.
AnneMarie
 
@ Beta,
One thing that surprises me is I know he is a man, but everyone around calls him much less. Nathan and I have a very large dialog between us. He has even stated that he sees the differences between his father and I in those ways.

@ tphoover
I currently do not have a church. I have not gone to church in many, many years. I will be attending a church with my mother this evening and taking my boys. You said he needs a strong male role model, and I hear that from everyone. I have a fear that my actions in the past, ie.. the man I married, have put him in this place of self destruction and disrespect to women. My husband was very degrading of me and abusive. I am not crying the blues on that, I just think perhaps in the short time he and I were together, he may have picked up on that, as well as my step father was abusive to my mother.

I do not attend church because, well I make excuses not to go but I think it has to do with the shame I feel for not listening and doing what I know to be right in the Lord's eyes, so there again, I think he has gotten the wrong idea about things. After our discussion last night the first thing out of his mouth when we were done was, "When did you become so religious" That just killed me. It also woke me up in knowing that number one, he heard me, number two, I need to continue to show by example how to be a Christian or at least how to try.

I know all children are different, but my younger son, 11, does not act anywhere near how Nathan does. I have raised Nicholas and no one else up till a year ago. That child has been dragged all over the place, from house to house, from school to school. And I know children that have to can adapt very well, but his heart is so pure. I mean, I am in amazement of this young man. These children have grown up thus far in two very different situations, and I being called a horrible mother by the people that are supposed to love me in life, but the one I have is more well adjusted to life and the Lord?

@ AnneMarie,
Thank you for posting if you do not do so regularly. I appreciate the friendship, I need all the friends I can get that live with the Lord. So far in the last week, many people from this site have made me feel very welcome. That is something I am not used to.

Jenn
 
I'll add that I think some sort of 'rebellious' behavior is just typical for teenagers. My son (now 30) was a wonderful kid until he hit around 12-13 y/o and for the next 4 years I wanted to smash him every day. He was horrid, surly, mouthy and arrogant. He did bad at school and I had to stay on top of him every day just to make sure he got his homework done.

One thing that helped was he played football and our rule was 'any grade below a C and you're out of the game until the next grading period" (we explaind that to the coach in advance too). We were a 'stone fence' about that and he knew it. It was a difficult time, but after those few years, he started college and said he finally felt challenged by school. He now says he was just frustrated and bored at school and as soon as college started he was just fine. He is quite the success story now. Hang in there.
 
I don't want to step on any toes here and I'm speaking as a mother.

For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth. Proverbs 3:12
Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. Proverbs 22:15 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. Proverbs 23:13-14 The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. Proverbs 29:15 For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. Hebrews 12:6

JSW, I hate that you are being placed in a situation, such as this. But, you lead by example. Show your son, how to be a responsible adult and parent. A lot of parents, nowadays, want a friendship with their children; which is fine, after you have laid down a foundation of who is parent first. To many of us forget, that it is our duty as parents to correct our children with the rod. I know that this may be a touchy subject, but I believe in putting something between you and a child (still being taken care of by an adult) to inflict pain, never while I'm emotional, of course. This makes the child realize their mistake and know that mom or dad will not tolerate this type of behavior.

I leave you with the words of a wise teacher "He that loveth his son causeth him oft to feel the rod, that he may have joy of him in the end. He that chastiseth his son shall have joy in him, and shall rejoice of him among his acquaintance. He that teacheth his son grieveth the enemy: and before his friends he shall rejoice of him. Cocker (Pamper) thy child, and he shall make thee afraid: play with him, and he will bring thee to heaviness. Give him no liberty in his youth, and wink not at his follies. Bow down his neck while he is young, and beat him on the sides while he is a child, lest he wax stubborn, and be disobedient unto thee, and so bring sorrow to thine heart. Chastise thy son, and hold him to labour, lest his lewd behaviour be an offence unto thee."
 
nicola,
I had been thinking of this all day and the way I would handle this. His father is rightly upset with me because I do not know how to punish, but I am going to take a strong hand to him today and show him I am the parent and I do this out of love. Thankyou for your words.
 
Don't feel guilty about your son not knowing the spiritual side of you... even when it's right in front of them kids don't always really know their parents. So now he knows... good. I'm glad you have good dialogue. It took my son and I some time to develop that, so you're doing very well from all you've said.

Other than the cause for beating... did I miss something? I don't see where you need that while dialogue is working so well. I think it will backfire... especially with him just learning you and starting to trust you. It will naturally take time for behaviors to change. The rod, especially coming from one who is supposed to be the nurturing mom, on a 13 year old male, is mainly humiliating to him and is letting him know he is not a man but a child. My original point. The reason for his rebellion in the first place.

I don't put a whole lot of stock in a father-substitute role model. It seems to me the LORD prefers to use the parents the child was given... even if it's only one, and even if it's the mother.

Find a good male role model other than his father.
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I know what tphoover means by it, and it's a valid point, but only under the right conditions. Oftentimes mentors are put forward, sometimes even with pressure, whether by relatives or by the church, who lead your son astray and into worse things which you have no idea of. I grew up in the church and I'm speaking from experience. God gave your son to YOU, and you may not be a man, but He will give you the wisdom to guide him if you ask for it. The LORD is on your side. Best thing is not to second guess yourself, or pass the buck to someone else. At the moment you already have very little time with Nathan anyway.
 
Beta said:
Other than the cause for beating... did I miss something? I don't see where you need that while dialogue is working so well. I think it will backfire... especially with him just learning you and starting to trust you. It will naturally take time for behaviors to change. The rod, especially coming from one who is supposed to be the nurturing mom, on a 13 year old male, is mainly humiliating to him and is letting him know he is not a man but a child. My original point. The reason for his rebellion in the first place.
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Beta, yes, you missed the fact that her son spray painted a neighbor's garage, stole is grandfather knife and LIED (which is an abomination to the Lord)!

He needs a good spanking whether from her or his daddy! It's been enough talking! Just my thoughts!
 
Ok Everyone,

Here is how it played out. After my last post, I took my son up to my room and shut the door. I showed him my belt and then told him that I was sorry that I had not done this before and that I wanted him to tell me why I was going to spank him with it today. He did tell me, " because I spray painted on the neighbors garage and stole two,I just found out, knives from his grandfather." I punished him. I did express to him that this does not make him any less of a man, because he did bring me that to my attention, that I say he is a man but yet I am treating him like a child. I also said, you are a man, but a son to me and I am responsible for how you behave. Not sure if that was the right thing to do, but it did get his attention.

I then called his father and explained what I did and he said he had no problem with it and that he was rethinking what he was going to be doing as well. There has been a very dark history with Nathan in the past with sexual behaviors put on him from relatives and issues with custody that everyone has been afraid to do the wrong thing. We do entirely blame ourselves because we have coddled him for too long.

I have to say that I am humbled by the way the people on this site have seemed to have this much concern over someone so new. I have seen so many blessings already. I have a horrible relationship with my mother. She had a very bad childhood and I have always known that is why she could never be what a mom "should" be. But, I see the wrongs in Nathan a large blessing to me because it has made me aware of where I have gone wrong, not looking to God to guide me. Now I am going to church with my mother tonight and just had the most uplifting talk with her about 10 minutes ago. She is slowly becoming a member of the church she goes to and for the first time ever in my life, she said, " I am going to walk you through the doors of the church and show you around." My mother has never wanted to introduce me to anyone she knows because she says she has always been shamed by me.

It is just a wonder to me how God works in his ways. For some people that know me, they would find it funny for me to talk about God in this manor, but that is my fault and I am going to work very hard with the help of others to rectify that.

Jenn
 
Much love to you Jenn & you should be commended for your efforts of reaching out. I'm happy to hear that your mom & you are getting along now. Don't ever look back and wish that it should have been sooner. NOW is the time, God works in some mysterious ways and He knows what and who you need, more than you do! I once heard a wise person say, that if you were God and looked on your life, that you would choose the same tactics to get your attention. Also, I'm so happy that you made sure Nathan knew why he was getting the rod of correction. Wonderful, how you made sure he knew that he was a man (responsible for his actions), and your son that is your responsibility! Make sure you let him know that there is One that decrees "his latter shall be greater"...his future is brighter than he ever expects, just stay on the right & strait course! Love you my sister!
 
Hey Jenna:

Wonderful posts. Can I add a couple of ideas?

You might tell Nathan that the belt is simply an acknowledgement that, man or boy, he's not ABLE to take an old fart type spanking as yet. If he WAS a bit older and misbehaved, for example speeding, he'd still get spanked, just differently. He'd get a ticket, which he would have to pay out of his wallet, which would hurt in much the same location as the belt. So the belt is just the younger version of taking adult responsibility for his actions, and you are PROUD of him for "standing for it" instead of physically fighting you over it.

Also that you understood and respected his manhood, and that was why you took him to your room to deal with it, rather than chancing humiliating him (if you didn't say that already).

One more thing you might tell him is that, as a young adult, he needs to "make it right". The knives get returned with apologies, but that's not all. SOMEONE had to clean up the spray paint mess. That took time and money. That needs to be made right. He's an intelligent young man, and you believe he's smart enough to figure out a great solution. You look forward to hearing what he comes up with. Soon. Are even willing to offer some suggestions to get his thoughts rolling. But it is HIS responsibility and you figure he'll do good.

If he is truly interested in learning to "tag" or do spray paint art, you might give him a wall, along with a bucket of one coat paint, etc. And tell him that he is welcome to practice on that one wall, but periodically he'll need to take pictures then paint it over. You'll tell him when, unless he chooses to do so more often, and he's gotta give his word as part of the deal to do so without fuss. Side benefit, he learns how to do house painting -- a useful skill not normally taught to 13 yr olds. AND he might find himself the envy of his peers, both for having his own wall and for having a cool Mom.
 
tphoover said:
Find a good male role model other than his father. I'm not saying his father is a bad role model. It's just everything he has known to be true has changed. Hopefully someone who he seems to respect already. Your church would probably be a good start. Above all, pray.
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I agree. God can bring good role models. The military later can help also, but the military also can bring other problems. I think it is impossible even for great parents to be all a young person needs to follow. Christian men are individuals and handle different situations differently. As a young man grows, he will pick his own role modes at times so just providing an environment where they can be found is much that needs to be done.
 
CecilW-

The bad thing about the tag is the fact he was just being "dumb". He was not tagging at all. It is a bit funny actually, but I never allowed him to know I thought so. He found a can of spray paint in our new garage and thought he would just test it not knowing the garage he sprayed it on was not ours. He just sprayed the word HI.

He is the one that painted over it again, well just enough for a temporary solution, and is going to be painting the entire garage for them this summer. He will also be joining my towns police dept over the summer on a work crew to remove tags that other people did. The police were not called, thankfully, but I wanted him to realize in my town that is a big deal.

I really like the idea about the wall thing. I will have to think on that and find a place because he does like to paint, as does his mother. Maybe I can lake that something we can do together.

Jenn
 
I think 13 is a bit past the 'spanking' age. During those early teen years my son was angry at us for moving to a rural area from Atlanta, after we'd also spent 8 years in NY. Since my husband is Mexican and my kids were darker skinned, they didn't exactly fit in easily here. He got a lot of grief at school for a couple of years. He was also angry at his dad because he felt like we had been too hard on him earlier. etc.

Over the course of the years between 13 and 17 he shot the window out of his grandparents studio, shot a squirrel (we make him clean it, cook it and eat all of it), got into fights at school, broke the window out of his grandfathers truck, got caught with a stash of cheap beer in his closet, and smashed in a few mailboxes. Each time he got caught doing something we made him work for the money to replace it at $2/hr (and we know how to make kids work!), write a letter of apology, and go in person to deliver both along with a personal offer to do odd jobs for as long as the offended person thought appropriate. He hated every minute of it, but years later, he said that was a good way to deal with him.

Now he is a very responsible, even tempered and thoughtful young man (and makes the six figures), and he says it's because we taught him to be responsible for his actions.

If you'll have patience and build a relationship with him where he feels respected and responsible, he'll thank you for it eventually (but some day's you'll doubt that).
 
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