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Being told to stand

R

Raingae

New Member
This is not Raingae but her husband Paul. I will try not to be long winded
We both agree with PM and see the pros and cons of it. We have been married for 3years and I have been happy with her. We also agreed that we both would take part in choosing the woman. To tell the
truth, I wanted her to choose the woman. I am not one to stay stagnant. Patience to me is a hopeful
pursuit of Gods bleesings, not standing idle waiting for it to hit you in head or knock on door.
Recently a young woman moved down stairs from us. She is attractive but for the first few months after meeting her, I saw nothing spectacular. I would say hi and bye, chat on occasion, but that was it. One night while relaxing on porch, the neighbor and I began to have a pretty deep conversation. Then the
next night the same. She is 20 years younger than us. After the second night my wife began to have issues with our talks and we see where that goes. With a strained marriage and now having this
woman embedded I obviously took it to our King.
I know that I was told that this woman was chosen for us. When my wife gave in and stopped fighting the youthfulness of her came iut. Our antisocial, teenage angst
daughter began to show signs of life, etc... Needless to say I was a blessed man seeing a family come
together.
Then as the enemy always does, he sent an unaware in to try to kill this at the root. This out a riff between my wife and the other woman which lasted for days. It hurt and I sought the Lord. My answer fight for the vision I was given. So I did. My wife and the woman began talking again, but now my wife
has issues with the situation which I can see her having. She feels that the other woman and I are
making all the decisions and moving forward without consideration to her. Knowing the intent of my
heart and mind, and trusting the womans assurances , I dont believe it to be so. Anyway my wife wants to back out. I an being told to stand. The other day my wife told me to choose abd I told her that I don't
have that option because if I do, or if I back away from the woman, I retreat in the face of the advesary
which is never good for anyone. So here I stand on the promise of our Lord. The woman came back into this situation knowing that keaving my wife is not an option, but my wife believes that is her only intent.
Both women talk on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels like my wife is caught between defending what is "Hers" and letting go to claim what is ours. Yet I am told to stand and I will
but woukd like feedback on how to tow the line between the two so that the Lord can work to bridge the chasm that was created by the enemy. I love them bith very much and wil not retreat!!!!!!!!!
 
Paul, thanks for sharing during this time of struggle. I know it must be hard right now. My story is sort of similar to what you and Raingae are going thru. I also gave my husband the “ultimatum” about choosing me or “her”. I too had started to accept the idea of plural marriage but then let family and friends influence my thinking. This only brought up all the fears I had of giving up my present life for something that was going to cost me my church (an idol), my friends and families approval, etc. So, I stomped my little foot and gave an ultimatum. Fortunately, my husband stood firm just like you are doing right now. He put it to me this way, “I am sorry you feel that way. I want you to know that you are welcome to come home anytime you want. I still love you and want to provide for you and our son even if you choose to leave.” Well, to say the least, I was shocked. This meant that it was all put on me to choose the direction of my life from that point on. It would be my decision to leave my family. So, I took some time to evaluate my relationship with my husband and what it meant now and what it should Biblically mean. I had to harshly look at my relationship with God and my expectations of what my life should look like if I truly followed Him and not the World. Way scary stuff! In the end, I decided to at least try and trust my Heavenly Father and my husband until I felt I couldn’t anymore. God, faithful as ever, helped me gain a vision of a new kind of family, a truly Biblical family. This helped me get through the tough times. This method is not for every wife struggling or every husband leading his family but it was for me and ours.

Raingae, in the end must decide if she wants to follow you where you believe God is leading you. You have to work at being a good leader and thus help her as best you can with that struggle. Love her, communicate with her and let her talk to you without trying to “fix” it. Leave the fixing up to God who knows her heart fully.

I would also encourage you to go to your knees about the true intent of this potential wife. Is she trying to push Raingae out slowly but surely? Have you made it clear that you will never leave Raingae? You said she is 20 years younger than you both. Is she mature enough to understand what kind of marriage she would have with you? What is your hearts intent, will you be gaining a wife or another “daughter” who makes you feel needed? Having such a younger wife can create many struggles on the part of the first wife(s) and on the dynamics of the family. Not that these things can’t be growing moments in maturity but understanding from you must be shown regarding them. Also, lots of talking about expectations should happen.

I truly hope that both ladies will gain a vision of what this family could be if you all come together. It is work but many blessings will come out of it. I will be praying for you to have wisdom and love for them both.

With hope for the future.
 
Thank you for your insight julieb. Both I and my wife read it. Yes I did tell the woman that I would not
leave my wife. My wife does not want her out of our lives. She just thinks I am making a mistake for
taking a stand on this one. I do constantly pray over the situation. They both have their strengths and
their weknesses, but being two alpha females that never had the experience pm brings, I understood
there would be trials. Being single mothers , both are use to taking the strong way, when a Christ centered life requires us to embrace our weaknesses, whereby He can be strong through us. I cannot
relay that to anyone. Well I can talk til I am blue in the face , but until one experiences how our
vulnerabilities are Christs strength in and through us, my words are bells in the wind. They sound
good but there is no edification.
I told my wife not long ago that I wish all people could experience love as I do. It is so freeing. If people
use or abuse so be it. Keep on loving. I too have my human emotions and passions but am confident in
His promises. When we can capture that kind of love as our own, we move from glory to glory, despite
how things appear, or how we initially react.
 
Just read this thread and wondered have you and both women sat down at the kitchen table and talked this through ? I mean all the way through to the end? How will the house be managed and so on. I don't know if you have read it or not but some where on this sit is an excellent list of questions you could use as guidelines

Corem Deo
Jack P.
 
Thank you brother. Yes we have talked. Unfortunately with two women we end up on baby stories,
baby pictures on facebook, etc... None of us have had experience in this. I have a very good biblical
concept and such, but both women have never "shared". So when do I push, when not? The older is
passive on many things while the younger is assertive. One keeps me grounded and one makes me
want to conquer. They compliment each other so fabulously, noy only for me. We also have the issue
of a two year old and a 14 year old, school , work, entertaining, etc..... I am a very flexible person. I love
to love and nurture life out of others. So I get that compromise needs to be made, but I try to let them
work it out. Why? I know the words of Paul to love others where they are at. Know my wife
wife, know Chlo, but what they are together, now that is what I am trying to see so I can be a husband
(Another word for husband is tiller, toiler, of the soil). The invisible things of HIM are clearly seeing, being understood by the things created. Adam (mankind) is created in His image(idea and concept)
and after His likeness. So the man woman relationship is a mirror of His relationship to Man (mankind).
The male the laborer in the Word, the woman the soil which produces fruit by ministration of the Word.
(Light, truth, life, etc....) Hence Christ is the head of the man and man head of the woman. This is the
flow of ministry, but the fruit us shown in the soil.
 
I'll second Jack on the importance of not only having a practical plan for how life will work, but ensuring everyone is well versed on the details of that plan. Yes they may change topics a lot but part of that might be avoidance of the topic at hand. You might well find that though it could be difficult or even uncomfortable to lead that conversation to its fullness, the very act of doing so may help them start to feel more comfortable with your ability to lead the family at large. Further, having a good plan that intrinsically includes her will likely help your wife feel confident that she is not being replaced, and confirm to the new woman your words that you are not replacing your wife.
 
I understand where you are I am not far from there myself. So I can feel your emotions. Maybe it would be better if you would join the site and your own name, that way you could post some of your questions in the men's forum. Things can be answer there with more candor. I don't know just throwing things out there. viewtopic.php?t=3368 here is the link to the questions I was talking about
 
Thanks Untoldglory validation whoa who,! I never know if what I post is helpful or rubbish. You did a much better job of explaining what my train of thought was. I tend to get long winded.
Corem Deo

Jack P.
 
Lol, it seemed like good advice to me. Same with your advice on creating his own account, I was planning on that one as well!
 
Slooooow Dooooown .

As the head of the house, proceed at the timing that you feel you are being led to follow. But pray that timing is slow and steady. It wouldn't hurt anything if you and the young lady were friends for a year or two would it? Or three? I mean would it? It would give you both time to evaluate each other as people. And she's a lot younger than you. That's obvious, but I don't want to go without saying it. Every day she has to mature and consider what she's doing with fuller and better awareness is better for her. If you want what's best for her, give her time. Whether she believes she needs it or not. You should be the more grounded and mature one that realizes she needs that. It would also give you time to make sure your wife knows you love her still and always will. Slow down.

Just my two cents. As with any random internet person, feel free to take it or leave it.
 
Thank you all for yoyr responses. I am going as I am led. Tonight my wife and future wife spent the
evening together, while I tended to other things I am obligated to. It was our futures wifes, daughters
so Chlo had a dinner with her side of the family with Raingae and our 14 year old. Why dont I start my
own account. At present I do not have a phone. Yet dont understand why open forum is such a bad
idea. We men and the women dont need to get comfortable speaking to each other. Men and women must communicate together and sorry brothers we have not r he slightest clue what it is to be a
woman and what they think and feel. That is until they tell us. And vice versa. Love you all in Christ
 
Raingae said:
She just thinks I am making a mistake for
taking a stand on this one.
Click to expand...

This is an important statement from my view point. I have known first wives to have a true sense of something being "off" with a potential that the man doesn't perceive but have also known first wives who are never satisfied with any potential lady who comes their way. It is a fine line for a man to hear wisdom from his wife on things and have discernment for the times she is speaking out of fear or some other emotion that the enemy may be using. It sounds like you have been talking about what she thinks, which is good. It will most likely take some prying and prodding to get her to look more closely at her emotions and thoughts on this though. It takes time to work thru what our mind/heart is telling us and then hold it up to scripture to see how it stands up. She might be the way the Lord is telling you to move on or it might be an opportunity for her to let go and trust you to make a wise decision for the family.

Praying that you both will have the ears to hear what the Lord is saying to you.
 
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