Confessions...

[Kathryn]

Hello everyone. For those who don't know me, I'm a seeker and generally reserve my posts for that section. However, I have an issue that actually needs to be placed somewhere else... so here it is.

A very short history: my parents divorced when I was a child. Since then, my father's had various women coming and going from his life. Some he married, most were mistresses. It's been a sore point in the family for a while. About two years ago, he settled down with a woman (I'll call her Sally), and everyone hope he'd turned over a new leaf. Sally wasn't so sure, so she did a little investigating.

Turns out, my father's been involved with a woman on the side for FIVE years. Sally's not the only one who's devestated. I did some research myself, and have found some very strong evidence to suggest my father's a bigamist.

I don't want anyone to think its the multiple women that upsets me - its not. I'd be the last person on Earth to hate him for that. Its the lying and selfishness! If my father wants to date a dozen women, I don't care, but I'd like to know! He's always off somewhere, and I have no idea where he is or how to reach him. He's always broke. He's always lying. The signs all point to bigamy, but I'm still pretty hurt.

Now I'm wondering what else he's been hiding from me. Do I have brothers and sisters I've never met? Who are these women who've been so important that they get all my father's attention and money, but aren't important enough to actually be a part of the family?

I don't have many people I can talk to about this... And no one understands. But everyone at Biblical Families has been so kind and generous with me, I know that even if no one has any advice, I could at least find support. Again, I don't want anyone to think I'm being judgemental about having multiple spouses. You guys are the best cyber friends I could ask for.

How could he be so dishonest about something so important? I don't think I'll ever forgive him for this. By the way, he STILL hasn't said anything, and I doubt he ever will. Everything I know is from research and gossip. Do you know how hard it is to discover HUGE parts of your father's life from a computer? He's still alive and in the area... I should be able to just call and confront him, but I know he'd just work harder to bury his secrets.

So far, I haven't gone through the trouble of contacting the other family. Physically, it wouldn't be a difficult thing to do... but emotionally? I don't think I could do it. Not yet. And I know I'd only be hurting them, the way I was hurt.

Sorry that I've kind've rambled, but I've got a lot on my chest. And you guys are probably the only people in the world who I can talk to about this. Thanks for taking the time to listen. I love you guys.

 

[sweetlissa]

Kathryn,
You can post anywhere you want to (except the men's section). You are welcome here and we are glad you came to us.

First of all, how reliable are the rumors? We tend to not like to rely on rumors, but if they are really facts that you haven't confirmed yet the I understand.

A few years back I had a similar situation. It rocked my world. I have to say that my resolution was to walk away and not look back. I am not sure that was the correct thing to do, but for me, it seemed necessary. As far as you are concerned, first you have to forgive. Not for him but for you. The bible tells us to forgive because it is necessary if we want to be forgiven. Your unforgiveness is not hurting him, only you. That said, you don't have to let him hurt you again.

Second, you need to focus on you, not on what he has taken from you in your lifetime. He has done these things for various reasons that have to do with him and he probably doesn't think they have any affect on you. I got that from my mom a few years ago. She had gone through a very violent 8 years during menopause and couldn't understand why that affected me and my siblings.

If you can work your way around to loving the sinner but not the sin, you will be ahead of the game. Christ came not for the righteous, but for the sinners. So if you can, give your Dad to the Lord and let the Lord love you through this. God is the only one who can walk you through this.

I am here by email if you want to talk

Love
SweetLissa

 

[Mark C]

Welcome, Kathryn.

Since I don't know the details of your father's convictions, or have any inclination toward what the Hebrew calls "lashon hora" (aka, gossip, the 'evil tongue') I won't comment on that aspect of your post. Obviously none of us countenance adultery, or think that people should give in to their fears, even if they seem justified, or people "just won't understand" -- but we recognize as well that "all have sinned" and have "fallen short" ourselves in one way or another.

But this is what caught my eye, and encouraged a prayer and a response:

I don't think I'll ever forgive him for this.

Two things come immediately to mind. First, if I heard either of my wives say such a thing, and even if I knew it was only in jest, it sounds too much like a vow not to be cast down immediately, "on the day" that I heard it. (Numbers 30)

Just as important, however, is the requirement that each of us "from our hearts, forgive EVERY" sin against us. Yeshua teaches this lesson more than once, although the last part of Matthew 18 (the parable of the wicked servant) is perhaps the most blunt. Forgiveness is truly not an option - it is an absolute requirement for us.

I know that it can be difficult to forgive in such especially hurtful cases. If anything, however, I have come to understand that the easier it is to JUSTIFY not forgiving, the more important it is to work hard at doing it anyway.

May God give you His guidance and His blessing,

Mark

 

[steve]

i agree with what lissa and mark had to say, forgive him for your sake

yes, if your suspicions are true your father is another one of us weak humans.
i make no excuses for the deceptions, they were wrong, but if he had lived in a culture that had a more balanced view of plural marriage he possibly would have handled his desires in a better fashion (at least the opportunity would have existed)

 

[T-C's Rebeka]

Kathryn,

My heart goes out to you. I can understand much of your pain. Although my family situation was different, my father was a serial monogamist, who had been married 4 or 7 times(depending if you want to count only legal marriages or when he called himself married but without getting a state license) with some overlapping in the relationships... When he left, he left them "high and dry" and successfully got out of paying child support. He typically moved in with the new woman before letting the current he had any plan on leaving. With my half brother and sister's mother, he came home with the divorce notice to give his partially blind wife the day after she came home from the hospital with their newborn son; leaving her with 2 children and taking the babysitter who had just turned 18 with him.
This created a lot of animosity and bitterness. It will not be easy and it will take time but pray diligently to be able to forgive your father.
It took a long time for me, requiring God to use my husband to turn my heart. I was able to forgive him before he died and I thank God for that. My half sister did not. The only thing my sister could think of as a eulogy was "The best thing my dad ever did was leave my mother."

Lean on the Lord for guidance, perhaps he will provide you an opportunity to ask your father about these suspiscions in a nonaccusatory way.

 

[Paul not the apostle]

It sounds like he is on the run emotionally. He has a lot to loose in this situation. If the goal for you is to know and understanding what he is doing, then the only way to know that is for him to feel comfortable telling you. In order for him to feel comfortable, he has to trust you. Unfortunately, he has developed a lifestyle of deception towards others and will not be very trusting of anyone. IF you can get him to understand that you don't condemn his multiplicity in relationships, that would be a start. However, if he is living bigamously, then he also has that other family to consider, and so do you unfortunately. Even if he believes you that you won't reject him, he will still be worried about the other families reaction to him bringing YOU into the picture. What if THEY have him arrested? BAD.

If you can get him to understand that you aren't going to condemn him, and that you do understand, he might feel like he can at least talk to you about it. It would be good for him to also know that you will not approach the "others" because you know that it might be detrimental to them and him as well. Kind of a "I love you dad, but i wish you would have told me, and i understand why you did not. If you ever come out, and want me to meet them, I would love to get to know my brothers and sisters. BTW, i don't think polygamy is wrong or anything. I respect you taking the responsibility for taking care of those that you love, in EACH family." People like him are LOOKING for someone to understand without rejecting and revealing them. It would be a HUGE relief for him.

My 2 cents.

 

[DeeAnn]

I agree with Paul. Maybe even start the dialouge with you confiding in him about you learning that polygyny is a biblical truth. Maybe if you confide in him, he might confide in you. I'm not saying that he will, but it will at least give him the oportunity to tell you on his own rather than feeling backed into a corner and becoming more deceptive like you think he might. I don't know what to say other than pray, pray, pray.

I'm glad that you felt comfortable enough with us to share your struggle here. You are always welcome to bring any issue here, even if it does not pertain to plural marriage.

 

[CecilW]

More agreement.

What struck me while reading your wonderful, open, pain-filled post, was the idea that "confronting" your dad carries the connotation of a head-on collision. You might be much more successful by matter-of-factly saying, sometime, "Btw, Dad, I'd really like to meet the rest of your family -- you know, Marge and her kids." (or whatever you have discovered her name to be) "Would you be willing? And when could I do that?"

Now, that is just what occurred to ME. Paul and DeeAnn's strategies might be better. Up to you. But a soft approach that is more like easing up alongside on the freeway, instead of the head-on collision, seems likely to end in happy success. It is more like a snuggle than a right uppercut, ya know?

Also, I'd seriously consider the whole forgiveness thing. Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. The decision is to tear up the IOUs. Feeling good about it might not come for a while, but the deed is still done, and God DOES honor it.

You've now got a total of 6 cents from Toccoa, GA. Paul, DeeAnn, and moi. :roll: At this rate, you'll soon be into real money! :lol:

And thank you for trusting us enough to share.

 

[Kathryn]

I'd like to thank everyone for their encouragement. I sort've expected that "forgiveness" would come up, but that's not an immediate possibility. Every time I have to confront this issue, the rage blinds me. All I want to do is destroy things. (Don't worry, just a part of the grieving process, I'm sure.)

It would be a huge relief if he WOULD confess, but that's not going to happen either. Some of these women have found out about each other in the past, and he denies, denies, denies until they shove it in his face. I say "deny", I should say "lie". I have been through his song-and-dance with my father before. He's proud, deceptive, and cold blooded.

Perhaps the people reading this thread have the idea that he LOVES these other women, or his family. He doesn't. The reason he runs from one bed to another is not to spread the love, but to hide from any real commitment. If things get too difficult at one home, he just moves along to another. Meanwhile, he leaves behind a wife who needs the support of her husband, the children who need the guidance and protection of their father, and a house that is under attack and vurnerable.

The family has tried intervention before... Everything from dumping his clothes on the front lawn to leaving a letter in his room. His response has been lies or indifference.

I know its hard to believe that someone would NOT want to salvage their relationship with their spouse, children or parents, but he REALLY doesn't care about us. We're not people to him, we're extensions of himself. He takes from us what he can, and moves along.

If we lived in a world that was more accepting of polygamy, he would STILL keep his other families secret. I love my father, and he's hurt me very much. I thought if he could make him love me enough, I'd be the one he'd open up to. The one he wouldn't leave. I thought we shared a special connection. But it was all an illusion. To him, we're all just props and he's the puppet master.

I don't know what else to do but cut the strings.

 

[sweetlissa]

Sounds to me like you should shake the dust from your sandals as you leave his tent. If he is not a believer and is not caring about his family, then I would suggest that you have a wonderful life without him. It certainly isn't happening because of his presence in your life.

The best revenge is to live well, but remember that forgiveness is a must for you and you need to still pray for him and for his salvation. Only when God gets ahold of him will he be the father that God intended him to be.

Kat, my direct advice to you is to not let your father derail you from your life and your plan.

You are loved

SweetLissa

 

[steve]

he is probably ashamed and in pain, trying to self-medicate with a new future while blocking out the failures of the past by blocking out and denying the past.
you see him as powerful, with the ability to cause much pain and suffering.
he sees himself as a weak failure that can't get it right no matter how good his intentions are at the begining of each new relationship. he has no ability to have a relationship with you because you are a constant reminder of all of his past failures that he is trying to avoid and forget.

about the forgiveness thang, it ain't about him. it's all for you. the anger will age you and wear out your internal organs like nothing else can. it causes the body to manufacture adrenaline which was designed by our creator to turbocharge our bodies in times of great need. it is an actual poison to our systems and we were never designed to go more than a short period of time under its effect. we were not told to not let the sun go down upon our wrath so that others would be happy

be creative; choose to forgive him in your heart but do not tell him, he does not deserve to be told at this point. quit allowing him to control how you feel. you are still letting the enemy to abuse you through your feelings about him

awww shucks whaddaiknow, i just made this all up and maybe none of it is true. it's not worth the paper that it is not written on
please forgive my impetous presumption :roll:

 

[CecilW]

I suspect you're going to get lots on the subject of forgiveness from this crowd. Here's my 2 cents.

Lots of folks tie two words together -- so strongly that when we hear one, we hear the other, even if it isn't actually said, or even meant!

Those two words are "forgive and forget".

We gotta do the first, on our own behalves. Won't do the other person a lick of good until they come to the point of actual change anyway. But in the meantime, it will have done us lots of good. Forgiveness protects and heals ourselves.

Forgetting? That's another story! I can't think of anyplace right off that instructs us to forget!!! Remembering is self-protective. Forgetting would be self-destructive. At least until real change has occurred and shows a demonstrable history.

 

[sadanyagci]

I don't know anywhere where God says to forgive the unrepentant. Not even HE does that. The unrepentant are unsaved. Otherwise it would all be forgive and forget with Him. But that's not the way it is, and those that don't repent of their wrong... they will get their due. As it is written, "'Vengeance is mine, I will repay', says the LORD".

If your brother wrongs you and asks you to forgive him 70 x 7 times a day... forgive him.
The money lender forgave the debt of the man who owed millions, when he was repentant, admitted he owed the debt, and asked for more time to make it up. He only threw that man in prison when the guy that owed those millions came across a man who owed him a few bucks... and the man who was forgiven wouldn't forgive the man who owed a few bucks, while that guy was repenting.

So is this a requirement to burden people who have been wronged with? There should be comfort from this thread, not a burden.


Kathryn, I'm sorry to hear of your father's behavior. I know it hurts. Your words show you love him, and that he doesn't know love. I believe shaking dust off your feet is good advice. Of course, honor him as your father when contact happens anyway, and don't bring your anger against him in wrong actions such as cursing or anything physical. But other than taking your anger that far, up to those two things, I don't find anything wrong. There is righteous anger. Be prepared to forgive a changed man, but you're under no obligation as he is. Maybe God will deal with him, but I think lack of contact will do you good. Maybe he will see your absence in his life, and maybe one day it will hit him. Only God knows.

Sadan

 

[CecilW]

Both agreeing with and disagreeing with you, Sadan.

Jesus clearly said that we gotta forgive others if we want our own sins forgiven. To put a point on it, He says that God will forgive us in the same way that we forgive others.

Others are welcome to do as they choose, but as I look at my own sins, I want Him forgiving me before I even get myself to the place of repentance. So I'd best do the same.

In fact, as far as possible, He has done exactly that. While we were still sinners, at actual enmity against God, He sent His Son into the world to do all the redemptive stuff. Freely I have received, freely I should pass it on.

Au contraIre, forgiveness involves 2 parts. One is the offer of forgiveness, which involves the release on the part of the offendee. The other is the reception of forgiveness, which properly follows repentance on the part of the offender.

We can and, IMO, should offer forgiveness in our hearts. That is between us and God. It clears the way for us to pray the Lord's Prayer, "And forgive us our trespasses AS we forgive those who have trespassed against us", in such a way that he can graciously forgive us before we even realize we've done wrong.

It then becomes up to the all-wise God to ADMINISTER that forgiveness in the life of the one who has offended us.

At the same time, I readily admit that even this spirit of forgiveness may well be a divine work of grace in our lives. Especially when the the offense is a daily, ongoing, in-your-face event, where the offender seems to be reveling in just how much he can get away with, and you pretty much CAN'T leave!

So Kathryn, (I suspect I failed to say it), my deepest sympathies go with you. You too, Sadan. You've both got incredibly tough rows to how with your fathers. I still advocate forgiveness as the right personal choice, even ahead of repentance. But I also understand, and believes God does as well, that it is incredibly difficult. And may well require a thorough dusting of the shoes in the meantime ...

 

[sadanyagci]

I'm not one to have issues with unforgiveness. I've been through a little too much in this world, and don't really hold on to things like that. My emotions are also controlled. I'm not coming from a position of trying to allow myself to do something that God finds wrong. I simply don't see where such is asked of us by our Father, or Christ.

In Jesus' example of us forgiving others so we may be forgiven, His parable is very specific on this.

"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii.

He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.

"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'

"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.

And again:

"So watch yourselves.

If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.

If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him."

Would you remove the qualifier that Jesus specifically added? He spoke exactly what His Father told Him to speak. So, was it not perfect? Sure, sometimes that qualifier was not mentioned, but that's the same as with many scriptures.

 

[Mark C]

This is SUCH an important topic, Sadan, that I pray that you will forgive my being perhaps a little blunt.

Repentance is VERY important. We are all told, repeatedly, that we must repent. You are correct, it is a commandment, since "all have sinned". This is an individual act; in the final analysis, no one else can do it for us.

And there is no doubt that we can help OTHERS to forgive, by following both the Words and the example of Christ. It's easier to forgive others -- especially if we have to do it more than once! -- if they try to repent.

But there are without doubt very SPECIFIC "commands" to forgive:

I don't know anywhere where God says to forgive the unrepentant.

Look at the end of that same parable you quoted at the end of Matthew chapter 18!

"And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.

So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother."

And Cecil is correct. The admonition of the 'Lord's Prayer' is the same.

I put "commandment" in quotes because of the "if" clause. We are not really "commanded" to forgive...
...only "advised" to do so, on pain of death and torment!

It is a conditional commandment!
We are repeatedly told that we MUST forgive --
IF we ourselves, who are of course deserving of death, want to be forgiven!

And my own testimony is that what the Bible says about blessings, curses, and healing is also true. Forgiveness precedes healing.

Finally - one last observation:

What did our Savior pray, while He hung on the executions stake awaiting death, about those unrepentant evil people who had killed Him without a cause?

 

[Beta]

Kathryn,

I sympathize with your dilemma, and pray for you that the Lord will show you the way specific to where you are at and what He requires of you. Forgiveness is the controversy that has come up. However, what I really want to say is something different.

Sometimes we need to step back and ask ourselves why we feel that the person has violated us. When David sinned with Bathsheba, taking her from her husband, and then causing her husband to die deliberately, what he said to the Lord when the prophet came to him was: “Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight” Psalm 51:4 Now how could he say that? Had he not sinned against both Bathsheba and her husband? David recognized that he was king over the people, they weren't king over him. He sinned against the Lord directly, and he was responsible for that. He wasn't disregarding his behavior towards them, but knew who he was responsible to.

What I'm saying is, ask yourself, do you really feel justified in counting your father's sins against yourself? Yes, he was selfish and wicked in many ways. But what he did, he did first and foremost to God and to his relationship with God (even if he had no formal commitment). He did what he did to himself, and believe you me, he will pay the penalty for it, unless he repents. But either way, you need to trust God in that. You need to let it go, whether by forgiving him or better yet by realizing there is nothing for you to forgive. He's done it to all the kids and the women, you might say. But really, he's done it to God and to himself. He's the one messed up.

I say, you don't need an explanation as though he owes you anything. You are his child, not his master. It would be nice if he would offer it, but he may not. Parents need to be accepted as they are, all the good and the bad. It doesn't mean you agree with or condone the things he's done. You just accept that he's done them. As Cecil said, we've all done things, committed sins, hurt others. But the release comes when you acknowledge that you are not his god (I'm not saying you mean that either), that he owes you nothing that he cannot give (his situation is pathetic), that you will give him a chance to either be in your life or not, as he chooses. I don't see any justification for cutting him out, for that would again be saying 'you've hurt me'. And he may not even understand that message anyway.

This same rule applies to a woman and her husband. Women take on themselves things that are between the man and God alone, even when they feel personally offended. This is exactly what children do regarding their parents. As women we need to recognize that we are not our husband's judge. We are neither responsible nor justified in taking offense.

I wish you the best anyway,

Beta

 

[Kathryn]

Everyone has been so helpful and supportive. I can't address everyone personally, but I really do appreciate you taking the time to send me a kind word or two.

Since I don't think I'll ever have a sense of "closure" on this issue, I'll just sort of update things. I'm past the rage, and feeling very sad right now. I'm angry with him for abandoning and lying to his family... Which, if love is an action and not a feeling as I believe it is, he has not loved us. His behavior isn't an occasionally incident, its constant. He only shows up or calls when one of his wives/girlfriends makes him. Like a fool, I let him back into my heart every time - just to be used and forgotten until he needs me again.

As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing to forgive until he repents... On the other hand, I know him well enough to know he'll never apologize. So in my heart, I've just got to let it go.

Just so you know, this constant lying has taken a terrible toll on him. He's aged 20 years in the past five. It's not easy always trying to deceive people, worrying about who's going to catch you or who's going to come looking for you. People tell me its not fair. That bad people deserve to be punished, but he never is. All his life, he's used and hurt people.

But I believe the day will come when he'll be alone and close to death. He'll understand the life he's lead, and he'll realize that he never made things right. That he'll have to die the way he lived - with an empty heart. And the people he leaves behind will never mention him again, because he caused too much pain.

Maybe its wrong, but this thought brings me solace. No one should be so destructive and never face the consequences.

One last thing I'd like to say is that there's more to be learned from pain than from leisure. And I've learned a lot lately. I've learned the value of trust and honesty, and the worth of a loyal man. I've learned that words are cheap, and any action can be traced from the Web. I've learned that it means nothing to have 3 wives and 12 children, if you don't have love.

I don't wish any of you pain, but when you hurt, please learn from it. And if my drama teaches you something, maybe you don't have to hurt at all.

 

[T-C's Rebeka]

As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing to forgive until he repents... On the other hand, I know him well enough to know he'll never apologize. So in my heart, I've just got to let it go.

Kathryn,
Sometimes you must forgive even if the other cannot apologize.
It took a very, very long time for me to forgive my father, or to even get to the point where I felt I could ask him, "why did you do this?" By the time I got to that point in my heart, my father's memory was lost enough that he couldn't remember anythng that I tried to confront him with. (HE STOLE MY CHANCE TO FORGIVE HIM TOO!! - *sigh* It took me a while.)
But I had to forgive him, even though he didn't think he had done any wrong. The unforgiveness I had for him was slowly strangling my soul.

Forgiveness isn't accepting an apology, forgiveness is letting the wrong the person committed no longer be counted against him.

I KNOW it is hard to forgive the pain that a father can cause, but do not let that pain control you, please. ( And it will if you cannot forgive.)
Forgive him for being the wicked sinner that he is; as we all are. Give your pain to the Lord. Let your Heavenly Father take care of the situation for you. Give it to Him as you let it go. And just as He has forgiven you, forgive your father.

I know this is not something that you can just turn around and do because of the pain, but ask the Lord to help you so you can. Do not let that unforgiven pain drive a wedge between you and God. And IT WILL if you don't, please please please just ask God to help you do what you can not do on your own. Lean on him to have him soothe your pain.

Maybe its wrong, but this thought brings me solace. No one should be so destructive and never face the consequences.

I had similar thoughts. I thought of how I would "stone" my father's casket with stones that had written on them all the things that he had done to me, my sisters, neighbors, even hapless strangers. And yes it is wrong because vengence is God's and His alone. God will judge him and there will be consequences. My father came to saving faith a few years before his death, so he did not face the worst consequence. But he died a very painful death that took over a year to kill him, he was hospitalized in ICU and basically was never out of ICU due to the risk of spreading his disease. Just as he had destroyed families and lives from the inside out, so he rotted from the inside out. All he was able to feel was pain and at the last 6 months no one was allowed to touch him and even entering his room required lengthy bio-hazard containment procedures. His eyes were covered to prevent exposure so he was blind. He died in seething pain with no one who cared about him in his room. The staff was overly happy to see him finally die because he was a burden to them.

My heart aches for you because I know that pain of bitterness with a father. I don't mean to sound like I am beating you up or judging you, or anything like that. I only know the pain I had and how my unforgiving heart multiplied that pain, where at the end the word "father" alone brought instantly feelings of anger, sadness and fear. Whenever a prayer or sermon at church was spoken and included the word "father", my mind was instantly destracted with the memory of my father in a fit of anger punching his fist through a hollowcore bedroom door to grab my sister by her hair and pull her head back through to finish yelling at her. My unforgiveness meant I couldn't fully let it go, when reminded of the pain he caused I picked it back up again and it just made it hurt more. I only want you to be able to heal and not continue to be hurt. I am so very sorry if in anything I have posted upsets you, I just want to prevent you from going through years of bitterness that I did.


your sister in Christ.

 

[Tali]

Kat,

In the summer of 1975, I had a life changing encounter with the Spirit of God upon which I have leaned ever since. When I say life changing, I really mean it. This was long before dealing with baggage became known or understood in the Body of Christ at large, and there was no one to coach me through it. It was just me and Yeshua, after a Sunday morning service, and it went on until Sunday afternoon. He didn't let me up until He was finished dealing with me, and I am forever grateful.

God took me back to the first incident of sexual abuse, which occurred when I was three years old. Thankfully I was never raped, but there were several incidences of molestation that occurred in my life up until and even after I became a Christian. Some were strangers, most were people I knew, and it involved both genders.

As I saw the face of my first tormenter, the Lord said, "Forgive." I was stuck. I couldn't. I told Him so. On and on it went, and I felt I had no ability to forgive. "Lord, I can't. They ruined me." "Then let Me do it through you." I don't know how to explain what happened, other than it was like giving a dead battery a jump. Once I felt His Spirit begin to flow through me, I latched on and was different when I got up.

It's important to understand that forgiveness isn't a feeling, it's a lifestyle. Emotions are nice, but they may or may not be there. I can guarantee you this: if you ask God for His heart for your dad, you'll never be the same. His offenses toward you are hideous, but nothing like the torment that awaits those who in any way demand, "Pay all!" (Matt 18)

So now, nearly 35 years later, whenever I get stuck and feel like I deserve to nurse my wounds rather than deal with them and "plug in my truster", I remember that fateful Sunday afternoon. Here's to some "trust with butter and honey!"

Hope this helps,
Ali