Goodness, I can relate to this issue so much. I struggle with not reacting to others attitudes, and though i'm not married, I've struggled with jealousy as well.
I don't even know if this will be helpful, but these are a few thoughts I have.
I've observed a tendency that I really dislike: it consists of telling women that jealousy is such a terrible emotion and that we should strive to be better people anytime we react negatively to something. Does that make any sense? Not really; and it just plain doesn't work for me. Especially when I felt that my emotions were justified.
After giving it some thought, I came to the conclusion that, in general, I didn't think negative feelings were abnormal. Feeling negative emotions doesn't make you a worse person than anyone else. Women were created to instinctually feel intense emotions. This isn't always a bad thing; it makes us loyal, caring, and nurturing. Naturally, it comes with downsides, just like anything in life.
Let's be honest, hating the idea that your husband is going to divide his love, attention, and resources with another woman is devastating. Particularly if you didn't enter into a marriage with the agreement that plural was on the table to begin with. Most first wives entered into marriage from the get-go under the promise that their marriage would consist of two people; they spent years building a household together, and they spent years thinking they were the only one their husbands wanted. Most misleading of all, they entered into a life-long commitment/marriage under that agreement. One that, biblically, they're now not entitled to leave. My heart breaks for women in this situation, and it breaks even worse when they're also burdened with being told that their very real and justifiable emotions make them not good enough...
Please understand that i'm not discouraging you in any way from wanting to become better or from wanting to gain control of your jealousy and temper. I'm simply pointing out that sometimes the advice we're given on how to overcome these feelings is unhelpful and often comes from people who have no first-hand knowledge of how freaking awful those feelings can be. Only leading to making us feel worse, suppressing our emotions, and then blowing up.
Something that helped put a dent in my attitude was coming to the realization that my emotions were normal and that I had reason to feel them. I'd suggest focusing less on not feeling these emotions and more on effectively communicating why you feel the way you do. And doing so with forgiveness in your heart for not only your husband but for yourself.
Just sweeping things under the rug isn't going to make you a "better" person. It's going to make you an explosive person.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. The fact that you have the desire to change your behavior even on a day where you were justifiably more emotional says in itself that you're already on a path to improving.
