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Discussing plural marriage with wife who is unsure

pupil

New Member
How did you begin discussing plural marriage with your wife? Was she open to this thought at first or did it take alot of discussion and research? She tells me that if I want to have multiple wives that I should divorce her and go find them, and this is when I only try to discuss plural marriages not saying that we should do so. She says that she should not have to share me with another woman. Asks me the difference between that and her finding a second husband. Just asking for some insight of what and how I should discuss this with her without hurting her and making her feel like I am trying to replace her. Any help would be appreciated. God bless.

Pupil
 
pupil said:
How did you begin discussing plural marriage with your wife? Was she open to this thought at first or did it take alot of discussion and research? She tells me that if I want to have multiple wives that I should divorce her and go find them, and this is when I only try to discuss plural marriages not saying that we should do so. She says that she should not have to share me with another woman. Asks me the difference between that and her finding a second husband. Just asking for some insight of what and how I should discuss this with her without hurting her and making her feel like I am trying to replace her. Any help would be appreciated. God bless.

Pupil

Hello Pupil,

My first wife is very closed to the idea. I did what I would never recommend. I took the chance and forced the issue. I have since repented of that selfish act! Unfortunately, it was the result of allowing myself to fall in love with someone before my first wife and I had worked through all the things we needed to work through. At this time, my wives do care for each other, and it has been a lot of work to build trust and security in both of them. They both love the Lord though, and that has made all the diference in the world. Love, not force, is the more Christ-centered approach - and will save a lot of extra pain too!
 
How did you begin discussing plural marriage with your wife? Was she open to this thought at first or did it take alot of discussion and research? She tells me that if I want to have multiple wives that I should divorce her and go find them, and this is when I only try to discuss plural marriages not saying that we should do so. She says that she should not have to share me with another woman. Asks me the difference between that and her finding a second husband. Just asking for some insight of what and how I should discuss this with her without hurting her and making her feel like I am trying to replace her. Any help would be appreciated. God bless.

You are right to emphasize the fact that her marriage, or position, is NOT in jeopardy, pupil.

Given what you wrote, and some of the specifics of what she said, that is exactly where I would start (with the proviso that I don't know her, of course - but you do. ;) )

She asked a question (why two wives, but not two husbands). Suggest to her that it's a good question, and deserves a good answer, so - go to the Word and find it. The bigger question for both of you to "walk in agreement" about is - Who gets to answer it, God or us? (A good friend of mine used to hear his children complain about things he made them do, in keeping with the Bible. He always answered, "Hey, I didn't write the Rules, your real Father did!" The same principle applies here. :? )

The divorce issue is a good study next, because one CANNOT really understand what God says about both marriage and divorce without realizing that EVERYTHING He wrote is CONSISTENT, and works together for good as He ordained that covenant to be. You should NOT 'divorce her' for that reason (or "put her away", either - which is another story, and has been mentioned along with an excellent article on that issue, in a related thread here) - and that should be a source of understanding and comfort to her. (As opposed to the 'serial monogamy' that is so rampant in our society. My contention is that such a fear is exactly what Satan had planned, and why he replaced Biblical patriarchy with the kind of things your wife has probably been led to think of.)

Men are to "cover" their wives, to be the spiritual "head of House" as well as the physical provider. These things are in many ways almost as 'un-PC' as polygyny - because they are all part of the same rebellion to His plan for marriage. Ultimately, you will come to see and understand that most relationships that God describes in the Bible are very similar, and are what mathematicians would call "one-to-many" (or at least "one-to-more-than-one) -- a King to His subjects, a master to his servants, a man to his house. And ALL are a picture of our relationship to Him! (I suspect that many people may have the same feeling about our Savior -- "I
should not have to share Him with another
" -- which calls into question Who is the real Master in that relationship. :cry: )

Study the rest of what makes a good, loving, covenant marriage, and she will eventually come to realize the Truth, and understand that regardless of whether your house ever includes more people (kids OR wives!) it will be blessed if you walk in obedience to His plan for you.
 
Thank you both for responding,

I will continue to search for answers in His word. I would only think of entering a plural marriage with caution and love in reguards to my wife. We are one and I would wish to hurt her no more than myself. I have only began to research and examine the lifestyle of plural marriages. I am not one to question what is His plans for my life. He may be looking into the future for my wife and I to welcome a sister-wife. He is all knowing and may decide to groom my current family before gracing us with additional family. I can only pray for wisdom and ask for his blessings.

I am the head of my family. I love, care for, and protect them with the aid of the Lord. Even being the head of the family I would not be a good husband without listening to my family and trying to keep their thoughts in mind with my choices. She makes a fair argument. I would not want to share her with others sexually. So I can see her point. I must seek His wisdom in dealing with this slowly and cautiously. Even though she may not agree with it at this point in time doesn't mean that in the future after educating ourselves on the subject that she would not be open to a plural marriage and sister-wife.

I would also like to be kept informed on the retreat in Dallas this year. That would be the closest one for us. I think that it would be good for her to talk to other wives and sister-wives to discuss her worries with someone that is already there. I would like to meet each of you as well, for direction and guidence. Again, thank you all for your helpful response and God bless you all.

Pupil
 
Hi Pupil - I'd just like to add that I think the retreat would be a great idea, even if you had to bargain (or bribe :-) ) to get her there. The chance to see that our wives look and act (for the most part!) like normal people, and struggle with the same issues, can make a huge impression on some ladies.

Also, if she's open to email or phone with existing wives in plural families at some point, let us know - there are wives here would make that time.

God bless and good luck, Nathan
 
Pupil,

In my case, my wife and I stumbled onto the subject during our own home Bible studies, so we both were taken aback at the same time. Since I tend to be the one who loves research and my wife just likes to check the Scripture references after the fact, we were never really at odds over Biblical marriage. I had no choice but to take it slow, because I wasn't even sure what I thought I knew anymore. The most frustrating part for me was not knowing that other Believers had already worked all this out. I didn't have a support group of friends that I could turn to and ask some difficult questions, so I had to piece everything together from scratch.

It took almost a full year of checking and rechecking every relevant verse I could find, and once I was convinced, I then sat down with my wife and we went over the Scriptures together. She was a little unsure of where I was going with this (she would probably say she wasn't really, but there were little signs that only a husband could perceive). Once we got our heads around the correct definition of adultery, that men could have as many wives and children as they desired...it was pretty easy to put it all together from there. Now, in our family and with all of our Bible study friends, everyone is assumed to understand proper Biblical marriage and it's a non-issue for most. My wife is perfectly comfortable with the idea that I could take another wife if I desired to, and we've moved on to bigger fish like the law, eschatology, and so on.

I think the key in approaching any controversial subject in Scripture is to make sure the individual has a solid belief in God's Word as the final authority in their life. Not just a mental recognition but an unwavering faith that absolutely nothing overrides Scripture. Many people will say they do, until you present them with something in Scripture that offends their cultural values. If values override morals, you will not be able to convince them of anything - their mind is made up and it no longer matters what is truth. Fortunately, God has blessed me with many friends that are willing to listen to the evidence and then decide for themselves. If your wife is seriously opposed to the idea of polygyny, you probably need to start with patriarchy. Polygyny makes no sense outside of the proper patriarchal framework of a husband-wife relationship.

Also, try to put yourself in her shoes. Imagine what it would be like to be a woman who is married to a man that brings this subject up out of the blue. You are talking about dismantling her current understanding of God's intent for man and woman - this is a big deal for anyone indoctrinated in a western culture like ours. Discuss, don't press. Present questions and look for the answers together. Above all, there must be complete trust and honesty in your relationship. She must know that her relationship is not in jeopardy, regardless what you discover. Otherwise, she will be responding in fear of losing her marriage. It's not enough for her to HEAR that won't happen, she has to KNOW it won't happen.

If all else fails, you might want to put her in touch with some of the wives (both monogynous and polygynous) on this site and have her discuss the subject with them. It can be hard for a woman to hear this coming from a man, ESPECIALLY her husband. Having another woman to talk with could help defuse a lot of misconceptions and make it easier for her to look at it objectively. Above all, continue praying that God's will continue to be revealed to both of you. It may be a cliche, but it's true: a family that prays together, stays together.

Stay blessed!

David
 
Very well said, David. This is, of course, a huge issue. I have known too many men over the last 12 years who have lost their first wives over this, when there wasn't even another being considered. Some of these men mangled the process, and with patience and love could have done better. No point in considering another wife if your first doesn't feel like you can properly love and lead even her.

Some other wives, unfortunately, obviously weren't in fear of losing their marriages - they were willing to walk away themselves, rather than humbly consider that they had been misinformed about God and His views on marriage all these years.
 
Have ye seen the show Big Love? For the most part it shows a favorable view of polygyny.
 
but the way they do it is jacked up.
 
Im in the middle of discussing it with my wife now. Its a rough & trying time, goes slower than I like but Im sure is going faster than the Holy Spirit would reccomend, as I am a man, LOL.

I know what is moving fast, my love for the Lord, thats my comfort. You can read my original post in "seekers" for some detail.

I am fully prepared NOT to have a 2nd wife, but a deeper issue right now is the fact that my wife has admitted to seeing this as sin, while i clearly do not, that said its hard to really convey my personal revelation of why this may be for us. So the deeper issue is that with a clear drawn battle line, satan has a place to put us at odds. We actually talked this over in detail today, I feel like I havent been a true Godly husband in so long, & the Lord has taken me by storm so hard, she is seeing this as just an act to excuse I WANT another wife. I see her point for sure! Of course we discussed this with love & prayer. I did explain that we have to come to some kind of terms, I cant "toss out" all the wonderful things the Lord has shown me in the last month just because she refuses to accept polygamy as a holy lifestyle. Bear in mind men, I am telling the story alot rougher than the actual conversation is.

I might get kind of confusing, i tend to.....In a conversation the other day, we had "agreed to disagree", in that at this point I could accept her total rejection of polygyny for our lives, but she needed to know that it was a deep truth that i saw, & it woukld be a part of my "Bible Knowledge" from now on. When she admitted she saw it as sin, I knew the devil had his place to feed us both full of junk if we didnt stay firmly rooted on Him. We talked about our love & her position in our marriage in relationship to Christ & The Church. We made progress. Not saying Im taking a 2nd wife tommorow, we made BIG progress on the deep rooted issue of satan trying to get a foothold between us, she saw it as clearly as I did when I explained it.If we see this as a point of salvation, its not a hgood thing to drag between us.

So to respond to the original question, about why the wife didnt just go out & get 2 husbands. We talked the other night, some tough question & answers. I felt the Lord leading me to explain that men DO have the capacity (& blessing of the Lord) to love more than one wife. I said this in the context that I totaly understand why she dont understand my heart. Its all over the Bible. On the other hand, (& I didnt look it up), I dont see those kinds of situations all over the Bible of women loving 2 husbands. A night later, I was reading a 1965 sermon from Brother Willaim Branahm on marriage & divorce. He told of David & Soloman's wives, & how not a one of those wives could have another husband, Brother Branahm went on to say "thus saith tthe Lord" as he often did. Funny thing is, that night, she asked me why God only made Adam & Eve, not 2 Eves.....I felt the spirit lead me to say "That was before sin", but being the human & knowing I should keep my mouth shut, I kept my mouth shut. In that same sermon, he mentioned the same thing about Adam & Eve, & even mentioned thats why we now see polygymy, I think he would have used the term polygyny if he had known it.

Anyhow, that said, I'm not saying Br. Branahms revelation is my revelation. It dont have to be, it cant be, but I do take it as sort of a confirmation. If that sounds confusing, let me put it this way. I dont know any of you, & I havent asked or even read very much about why you guys believe this is from the Lord. I know why I know, Im just here for support from a likeminded community. The things I have read, agree with what I allready saw. I know nothing about Isiah whatever some of you talk about, Ive read briefly Dr. Rays, & saw a couple other explanations on other sites, but i "just dont get it" yet, but I'm not really trying to, havent prayed to see it.

Anyhow, have a great weekend all, keep us in your prayers!!!!
John
 
Will do, John.

Feel free to keep asking questions as the need arises; you will find that most of us here have no doubt about the Biblical basis for this understanding of marriage, and no problem with responding to the (oft-heard and ever-repeated ;) ) objections.

(Isaiah 4:1, BTW, has its own thread, and is one good answer to the upcoming "well, perhaps polygyny is permitted, but it's not God's preferred option" objection." Start by understanding Ex. 21:10 and the well-known 'three duties' named there; Is. 4:1 will make sense in that context. And "take a run at it"...read the third chapter to see what kind of depravity, which will sound familiar, precedes the prophesied time of blessing.)

Finally, bear in mind that it battling the cult of monogamy, you are really dealing with a pagan form of idolatry - literally based in goddess worship. While that may sound harsh, that, too, is a part of the deception that our adversary has built around his attempt to destroy patriarchal family leadership. Fight it with the sword of the Word.


Blessings in Him,

Mark
 
I had to go the the mountain this weekend. I am really keeping my focus on seeking Gods face, trying not to get my emotions invloved, but, He showed me different. I am hurting my wife with all this talk, hurting her deeply. I have knowledge, I have vision, I have revelation, but I had no understanding of wisdom, & patience.
I broke down & just threw the towel in, ready to just "give up" on my other wife. Talked to my wife, & just cried, I was tired of hurting her, I knew this wasnt right.
I finally had to give all this up to God, even though I have been saying I have, He showed me different. How can I be impartial with the love i have for #2. I went through few hours of real anguish & pain.
But I started doubting everything (all the other good stuff) that God has been showing me about life & His Word. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that His Word is true. I was looking for a word that meant "confused" even though I wasnt really confused at all. Maybe overwhelmed, dumbfounded, perplexed.....Then the peace came, I knew I had to just give T over to the Lord on the mountain, like Abram did. Be willing to loose her, I mean in real life, I understand I may not get to take her as my wife. I talked to my wife about it, I asked her to bring her fears & disbelief along with me if she would (about polygyny), & she did. I see this as a milestone in our case, not a milestone as in "yea, she is gonna come around now", not like that at all. Just honestly going before the Lord & laying it out.
That was saturday, the 8th day after the war negotiations started, the new day.
Ive got peace, my first post on this site is about what was I going to do with this broken heart? I guess if you have been in this situation you understand, maybe not being able to be with one you love. So do I not love her anymore or not miss her? No, I love her more everyday just like I do my 1st wife, & I miss her more everyday. But i dont have that nagging feeling, I dont have that anxious gut ache, or that feeling that makes my heart rate go crazy & i feel like im gonna explode. B says she has peace also, for the first time in a long time. I dont have that spirit on sadness & lonelyness on me that B feels & then starts getting all anxoius herself. We are seeing some joy returning.
I have to go see T, I have some things to share with her, & pray with her about, nothing to do with her being my wife, & B understands & trusts me, B knows what those things are. I was praying about how do do it, where to meet, what to do, & even though i know these things are in obendience to God & my obligation to her (T), & that they shouldnt be put off too long, I felt the Lord leading me to talk to B about getting together with T first to meet, pray, talk, hug,(just the 2 of them) whatever comes up. I feel the Lord is showing me both women will gain a little trust in me if they get to know each other a little better. I also know the Lord wouldnt have me just "riding around" with T & going to the same old places we were involved in an affair with, this needs to be more open, honest, & out in the public. I feel that would even be easier to deal with if I would meet a friend along that path, & could honestly say, "this is T, a friend of B & I's"
Im certainly not afraid of blurting out to T, hey, ur supposed to be my wife, lol, i dont want to confuse her or put her in a posistion to hurt. & im not even anxious like i'll freak out & start crying cause i miss her so much, i have a peace about meeting her.
But pray for Brenda that she will have peace when i do it (& hopefully she takes that step to go visist Tonya), pray for Tonya as well, & me.

OH, i saw something as clearly as day after B & I prayed saturday eve. A hour or so later, clear as day, satan didnt care if I threw the towel in as in "i'll never mention her again"(where i was just about at), or if brenda threw the towel in "just go get your other wife, you aint gonna stop till you get what you want". Either way was another dissaster that would just seperate & put division in us. We are one flesh, there are no winners when a house is divided.

Keep us all in your prayers

Love
John
 
Excellent, peace is so important in life and in a walk with God. I'm very happy that things keep getting better for you and you're at a place where you can just take things as they come.

Thats an example of walking in faith if there ever was one, you don't expect anything but you keep going trusting that whatever the end is God will watch over you.

Thanks for that, its really encouraging to someone go through all that and come through it all the stronger.

Bless you,
Jair
 
j,

My advice remains the same. WAIT for God's direction and keep your hands off the situation unless God tells you to touch it. Otheriwse, you will potentially mess the whole thing up. Nathan had good advice earlier on this thread, you should read it. Again, DO NOT make a move without feeling the leading of the Holy Spirit to do so.

As for why there were not two Eves, it was not in the plan. The plan was for the 'new thing' of eight as described in Isaiah 4:1, (7 women and 1 man) to come at the end of time, just before Jesus comes. Sin entered the world through one unrighteous woman per one unrighteous man and God repays seven times, so in the end sin will exit the world through seven righteous women per one righteous man, (multiplied). When this occurs, Jesus return is near. That is why the devil fights so hard against it. God revealed to me that it is the antichrist spirit that comes against this issue so hard in order to try to prevent the return of Christ. Anyone who rejects Isaiah chapter 4 is operating in cooperation with the antichrist spirit.

Be blessed,

Ray
 
Mark C said:
Finally, bear in mind that it battling the cult of monogamy, you are really dealing with a pagan form of idolatry - literally based in goddess worship. While that may sound harsh, that, too, is a part of the deception that our adversary has built around his attempt to destroy patriarchal family leadership. Fight it with the sword of the Word.
Marc,

Can you please expand on this? What exactly is the connection between goddess worship and monogamy?


Thanks,

brYce
 
Can you please expand on this? What exactly is the connection between goddess worship and monogamy?

Perhaps I should have capitalized the word for effect, brYce. ;)

Often when I refer to "monogamy" as idolatry, a word like Monogomania helps make the point more clear. There is a simple way to explain the idea, and a complete one; the former I'll do here, and for the longer, complete explanation I'll refer you to a couple of good books.

The simple proof is to note how people WON'T get too upset at things which are happening all around us in this paganized society -- even things which the Bible calls "abomination" -- but will come UNGLUED at the mere mention of OTHER concepts, like polygyny, which God not only allows, but uses to illustrate Himself!

For example, homosexual "marriage" is now protected, and serial monogamy (where sequences of one-night stands are glorified on stage and screen) is just ducky -- so long as the Sacred Tradition of "there can be only One" is honored. But if a man actually tries to COVER a second woman, actually take CARE of her, well...the hounds of Hell are set loose. And, I often note, ESPECIALLY by those who like to claim that the "Old Law" was "done away with" (nailed to the cross) and who like to accuse those who follow Yeshua's commandments literally as "legalists" or "Judaizers". :shock:

I could add much more, of course, but the principle remains the same. It simply never ceases to amaze me how much hypocrisy surrounds the replacement of God's commandments with the vain traditions of men...things that Yeshua so repeatedly and pointedly condemned as exactly that. I have observed, and the Bible makes this equally clear, that the root of such deep and abiding anger is almost ALWAYS idolatry -- putting something ELSE in place of Him and His Word.

Feminism, and the related roots of false "equality", egalitarianism, and the demonization of Biblical patriarchy, all spring from forbidden "addition to" and "subtraction from" God's Word. The details are contained within mythology and history, and explain why 'the goddess' - by whatever pagan name - is also supposedly a 'jealous god'. For those details, I'd point you to two books:

Eros Made Sacred by J. Wesley Stivers:
There's a public domain version on-line --
http://familyabbeys.org/eros.htm
The pagan roots of witchcraft and feminism are the central theme of Stivers' book.

and Tom Shipley's excellent work,
Man and Woman in Biblical Law -- which doesn't make the pagan elements a central theme, but does have a masterful summary of how feminism utterly denies the Gospel:

http://www.newcovenantpatriarchy.com/im ... _Law_5.pdf

Hope that's at least a start.

Blessings,

Mark

PS> Myself and others have written on this topic as well, here on BF. Some of those should be easy to find in the archives.
 
Dearest Brothers in Christ

Your conversations really touched me and I am truly blessed that you let me read thru them. Thank you. During my research on Christian Plural Marriage, I was asked by one husband to keep my eyes open for a great book on breaching this subject to his wife. Can you recommend one that gently introduces this subject to a '1st Wife'? I believe that he has been married to her for over 20 yrs and may not be able to speak face-to-face to her for some time due to work.

Your Brother
BlessedOfGod
 
djanakes brought up the point of teaching patriarchy first. That is a good idea I think but that also brings up whole new questions for myself. I, like most westerners, have been raised in a culture that has turned away from patriarchy so I know little of its application. Is there a resource on this forum or elsewhere that teaches biblical patriarchy? I've searched a bit but not found anything. I'm sure everyone is going to say study the scriptures, and I definitely do that but sometimes its nice to have a supplement. I think that might be very useful to any who come here looking to learn, even if they do not ever become polygamous themselves.
 
I mentioned plural marriage to my wife after a series of visions, prayer, and personal Bible study and confirm the

soundness of PM, because, at first, even I did not believe in it.

My wife did not take the news well and is still staunch in her belief that she just will not accept it, and that is that.
I believe in the truth of the vision and I know Yahweh will bring this to pass, in His time. At the present time, I am choosing not to force the issue as I believe Love will conquer all (1 Corinthans 13:13). I do intend to gently apply greater pressure over time, combined, of course, with much love balm, prayer, study, and family leadership.

Interesting enough, this revelation has brought an abundance of blessings to our family already. I really see myself as
already enjoying the fruits of plural marriage. Since revealing PM to my wife some 15 months ago, I have seen a
miraculous change in her attitude toward me and our marriage. She has repented of much of the rebellion that has
plagued our 18 year marriage, she is spending more time making herself pleasing to me (working out, better clothes,
makeup), she is keeping house better, seeking my advice on most matters before making decisions, reading the Bible
daily, reading books about being a better Helpmeet, and did I mention that our intimate life has gone from so-so to outstanding! I feel like a king in my own house. Keep in mind, none of this have I requested or demanded-she just suddenly started doing it. I have a suspicion that she might see herself as "on notice" but there is no truth to that.
I don't want a divorce. I love my wife and kids.

I have focused myself on regularly reading the Bible and becoming the best husband and father that I can be. I quit my
coffee habit (~30 year habit), started walking regularly, and have been having regular Bible studies with my wife as well
as regular Bible studies as a family. I have backed off the PM preaching for now and focused on more general topics
such as forgiveness, salvation, love & respect, citizenship in the Kingdom, etc.

Somehow I sense that the Lord is preparing us both for something big and exciting. In His time. In HIS time.

Really the idea of searching for a second wife is less than attractive. I am praying that the Lord will bring one to us and I
expect that he will. I have already had a few interesting and serendipitous experiences that made me feel a hidden
hand was involved. Perhaps more on that in another thread.

Remember that the strength and glory of Yahweh shines through when we are on our knees and feeling utterly powerless. Submit yourself to him and he will carry the victory (remember Gideon?).
 
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