• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

Do's and Don'ts list for plural marriage?

S

Sam Speaks

Member
Has anybody tried to construct any kind of Dos and Don'ts list here for succeeding at plural marriage, or marriage at all for that matter?

Yes, I know a lot of rules are subjective and what works in one home may not work for another, of course, but there should be some kind of basic guiding principles that could be presented as "tried and true" that most men/women in successful relationships could attest to as sound wisdom.

It seems if there could be a good list put together it could increase people's confidence at attempting poly and increase the success rate once hitched. Even if no consensus is ever reached, I'd still like to hear your suggestions.
 
Don't talk negatively about your spouse behind their back. The snippet of advice that we received pre-marriage that stuck most clearly in my mind. Very helpful in monogamy, to support each other and present a united front to the world. It prevents the formation of cracks which others can lever open further.

Now think how much more important it is in polygamy. Imagine a life where your private discussion with one wife consisted of complaining about the other? That home will fall apart.
 
Last edited:
MemeFan said:
You can start with rules for success of any monogamy marriage. Polygyny, in my opinion, changes nothing important.
Click to expand...
Accurate

People try to make polygamy entirely too difficult and complex. It is not nearly as different from monogamy as one might imagine. Presuming of course that you have the right mix of people.

My biggest complaints would be along the lines of having no idea where the hell my boots went or has anyone seen my IH ball cap? Where the hell is my credit card?

In my experience the big issue is just Luke with monogamy but only more so. Communication.

The ladies and occasionally I would be included in the mix, would have a sit down once a month +/- to do some planning. Plan out events and schedules and what extra effort might be needed to manage the meandering of the wayward husband. Probably a good idea with regular couples as well but the thing about plig-life is that you have more resources. This is amazing. You don't appreciate just how much more can be accomplished with another adult in the family. This is just a huge advantage over the monos.

So, while I could give a tonne of platitudes about do this and do that for a plig marriage, as our Memer mentioned, these are just going to be general marriage rules.
 
Honesty is my number one piece of advice. Be honest, always and about everything. From the big ideas, concepts, thoughts, concerns, plans down to the seemingly insignificant day-to-day feelings and hurts.

For women - don't say you're "fine" if you're not. Say, "I'm not OK, but I'm praying about it, and I'll explain when I've had some time to process." Or come right out and say what you're thinking - that he hurt your feelings when he did X Y Z, that you don't feel appreciated, that you are overwhelmed, that you're so happy it's making you cry, that you're terrified something bad will happen. Whatever it is, say it. If you can't speak it, write it. If you can't form the sentences to explain, pray and just write it anyway, even if you think it won't make sense.

For the men, I can only explain through highlighting my husband's success in being honest with me. He has never lied to me, even when I think he might feel that would be easier. Because of that, I can fully trust everything he says. Again, from the big, big things, like does he really love me? All the way to the tiny details like did he really like this meal I cooked? I never have to question whether he was just being polite, or trying not to hurt my feelings, or is hiding something from me. I have asked questions before that have been answered with, "Now is not the time for me to explain that to you. But I will when it is time." Or even, "That's not something I will share with you." I do not have the right to all of his plans and thoughts and ideas. I understand and accept that. Asking isn't wrong, though, and I'm prepared to hear, "I'm not telling you about that." But he has never lied to me.

All the rest of our marriage I think is a testament to the honesty. I've had to learn and have come a long way (I think) in being honest with him. I am always thankful that I can be, though, and that he has proven himself trustworthy
 
FollowingHim said:
Don't talk negatively about your spouse behind their back. The snipped of advice that we received pre-marriage that stuck most clearly in my mind. Very helpful in monogamy, to support each other and present a united front to the world. It prevents the formation of cracks which others can lever open further.

Now think how much more important it is in polygamy. Imagine a life where your private discussion with one wife consisted of complaining about the other? That home will fall apart.
Click to expand...
Yeah, I can really see the value of both those snippets. Especially if you have enemies who will do everything they can to cause trouble.

Edit: Ok, I guess that's really one piece of advice. I just read it stated two different ways.
 
Last edited:
Make your husband the center of the marriage; his happiness should be the most important thing.

Don't make your marriage about fairness, and don't get yourself into competition with the other wives.

Build trust with your sister wife so that you know she has your best intentions at heart; don't assume every small comment is a jab or insult; don't take things too seriously. I imagine this can happen often when sharing a man.

Support and encourage a good relationship between your sister wife and your husband, even if that means making sacrifices on your part.

Minimize your involvement in their marital issues; don't encourage dramatics.

I don't have any personal experience in the matter, but as a woman considering plural, these are things I think can be important for long-term success.
 
theleastofthese said:
I don't have any personal experience in the matter, but as a woman considering plural, these are things I think can be important for long-term success.
Click to expand...
I'd say you've been contemplating things seriously, and with a good mind.
 
My In-laws will be celebrating their 72nd wedding anniversary this December. My mother In-law once told me that praying together daily and being willing to forgive, repeatedly, were important for the success of her marriage.
 
theleastofthese said:
Make your husband the center of the marriage; his happiness should be the most important thing.

Don't make your marriage about fairness, and don't get yourself into competition with the other wives.

Build trust with your sister wife so that you know she has your best intentions at heart; don't assume every small comment is a jab or insult; don't take things too seriously. I imagine this can happen often when sharing a man.

Support and encourage a good relationship between your sister wife and your husband, even if that means making sacrifices on your part.

Minimize your involvement in their marital issues; don't encourage dramatics.

I don't have any personal experience in the matter, but as a woman considering plural, these are things I think can be important for long-term success.
Click to expand...
you nailed a good bit here
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top