Looking for opinions here: Is it appropriate for a husband to talk to one wife about his marital issues with his other wife? If you think it is OK for a husband to do this, why? Biblically, is this acceptable? If you think it is inappropriate, why? What Bible verses might point to how it is not the loving thing to do?
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Etiquette in talking about wife
- Thread starter seekHim1
- Start date
I think this is a fine line sort of thing. On one hand, sometimes another pair of eyes/ears can help hubby sort through things and find other ways to look at things. On the other hand, it is a personal thing. I don't want hubby talking to his pals about our marital issues. I KNOW he doesn't want me talking to my pals about the personal things between us. There have been times when a talk with the other wife has helped him to see things more clearly, but when the wife that was talked about hears about it, she undoubtedly feels betrayed to an extent.
I think that much would depend on the relationship between the women. I would guess that if women are close enough to share this way, then they will already be sharing with each other (though hopefully in a respectful and positive manner, not husband bashing).
Gossip can be the problem. Make sure that what is said is not in the form of gossip or slander because these are both sins.
SweetLissa
I think that much would depend on the relationship between the women. I would guess that if women are close enough to share this way, then they will already be sharing with each other (though hopefully in a respectful and positive manner, not husband bashing).
Gossip can be the problem. Make sure that what is said is not in the form of gossip or slander because these are both sins.
SweetLissa
Scarecrow
Member
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
Matthew 26:33-34 Peter answered him, "Though they all fall away because of you, I will never fall away." Jesus said to him, "Truly, I tell you, this very night, before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times."
John 21:15 When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?" He said to him, "Yes, Lord; you know that I love you." He said to him, "Feed my lambs."
It might be a little bit of a stretch in comparing these passages, but a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the the church. When Peter sinned against Christ by denying him he eventually went to Peter and gave him the opportunity to address his failing.
Any issues a man has with his wife should be directly addressed with her privately. I have two very close male friends that I counsel with about everything. It is this ability to talk with them about anything that enables me to reason things through in my own mind, and they often make statements that cause me to consider alternate perspectives. This interaction is invaluable.
Matthew 26:33-34 Peter answered him, "Though they all fall away because of you, I will never fall away." Jesus said to him, "Truly, I tell you, this very night, before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times."
John 21:15 When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?" He said to him, "Yes, Lord; you know that I love you." He said to him, "Feed my lambs."
It might be a little bit of a stretch in comparing these passages, but a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the the church. When Peter sinned against Christ by denying him he eventually went to Peter and gave him the opportunity to address his failing.
Any issues a man has with his wife should be directly addressed with her privately. I have two very close male friends that I counsel with about everything. It is this ability to talk with them about anything that enables me to reason things through in my own mind, and they often make statements that cause me to consider alternate perspectives. This interaction is invaluable.
Scarecrow - that is the page I am on. I think a husband should share with 1 or 2 close male friends to gain insight/spiritual support. In the case of plural marriage, I think it is especially harmful to a marital relationship if a husband talks to one wife about marital problems with the other - especially if that is how the relationship started between husband and second wife - with husband talking about his issues with first wife and speaking negatively about first wife in the first place. There were already huge breaches of trust created in that case which need repaired and only continuing to run to second wife with these matters only hinders husband/first wife relationship. My only solution is if husband insists on having to share with second wife since she is one with him now and he feels he has to share, then he should do it with first wife around.
A
Anonymous
Guest
sweetlissa said:
Exactly ! I agree with Lissa.
I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here. It really depends on the circumstances, the people involved and their motives for the conversation.
Blessings,
Fairlight
preciosa
New Member
As a counselor, I can appreciate wanting to speak with someone about problems. In the case of plural marriage one can't exactly run and tell exactly what is going on for fear of inviting unwanteds into the situation. One would think that one wife would assist in the building of harmony within the family. However, if my husband ( not married) were to discuss our problem s with another wife I'd be upset.
Perhaps it's because I haven't been in that situation. I guess in this situation the dynamics of the household would make all the difference
Perhaps it's because I haven't been in that situation. I guess in this situation the dynamics of the household would make all the difference
redfox
Member
((hugs))
For us, here is what happens. Dh doesn't generally share much with anyone, but there are occasions where he has become frustrated or baffled with a situation, and has occasionally sought help or insight. With us, while sw and I are not close by any stretch of the imagination, I know that occasionally he will bring up an issue (usually a publicly known one), and will ask opinions on how to deal with it. To a degree, it's helping him to see that some of my behavior isn't specific to just me, but females in general
On the other side, he has also received admonition from sw to better take care of me emotionally in certain situations. In most cases, he does not discuss private issues with the other, but I do know he occasionally might share somewhat more intimate details of his own opinion, or occasionally her opinion, in an effort to figure things out.
I think though, that if it's something you don't want him discussing with someone else, sw or not, then it would probably not be inappropriate to ask him not to discuss it with someone else. In my opinion, that would be a respect issue, but that's just an outside opinion.
For us, here is what happens. Dh doesn't generally share much with anyone, but there are occasions where he has become frustrated or baffled with a situation, and has occasionally sought help or insight. With us, while sw and I are not close by any stretch of the imagination, I know that occasionally he will bring up an issue (usually a publicly known one), and will ask opinions on how to deal with it. To a degree, it's helping him to see that some of my behavior isn't specific to just me, but females in general
On the other side, he has also received admonition from sw to better take care of me emotionally in certain situations. In most cases, he does not discuss private issues with the other, but I do know he occasionally might share somewhat more intimate details of his own opinion, or occasionally her opinion, in an effort to figure things out.I think though, that if it's something you don't want him discussing with someone else, sw or not, then it would probably not be inappropriate to ask him not to discuss it with someone else. In my opinion, that would be a respect issue, but that's just an outside opinion.
Hey redfox - why do I need hugs? Where did I say I was talking about a real situation I'm dealing with?
I understand what you are saying and if the heart of a husband is to sincerely try to get the perspective of another female, I have no problem with that. But again, if husband has already poured out his heart to second wife about his issues with first wife (like before they were even "they") and is still doing so...what purpose does it serve? Had her perspective helped at all in the past OR could it be a case of husband continually crying on second wife's shoulder, looking for consolation regarding how wretched his first wife is?!? I guess only God knows an individual's motives.
But like you said, if it upsets first wife and she makes that clear, wouldn't the loving/respectful thing for husband to do be to STOP doing what hurts first wife?
I understand what you are saying and if the heart of a husband is to sincerely try to get the perspective of another female, I have no problem with that. But again, if husband has already poured out his heart to second wife about his issues with first wife (like before they were even "they") and is still doing so...what purpose does it serve? Had her perspective helped at all in the past OR could it be a case of husband continually crying on second wife's shoulder, looking for consolation regarding how wretched his first wife is?!? I guess only God knows an individual's motives.
But like you said, if it upsets first wife and she makes that clear, wouldn't the loving/respectful thing for husband to do be to STOP doing what hurts first wife?
redfox
Member
Lol, hugs is hugs You get hugs either way 
I know for my hubby, it's not about him complaining, so much as seeking the insight of another woman. When he asks me for advice on sw, it's because he doesn't understand her thinking or viewpoint, considering he's a man, and can't really understand some of our finer moods It's not that he wants to complain, and sometimes I have to remind myself of that occasionally too, but that he wants to understand, and can't just talk to any woman he runs into about some of these things. I don't know about your hubby, if that's what he's doing or not, but I do hope that he'd listen to your wishes and not discuss things with you.
A good way to get the point across, is if he's complaining to you about something your sw is doing, then ask him if he has permission from her to share the situation, and if not, then ask him not to discuss it if he can help it. Ultimately he has the choice to do what he wants there, but it's not going to be without consequence.
You get hugs either way I know for my hubby, it's not about him complaining, so much as seeking the insight of another woman. When he asks me for advice on sw, it's because he doesn't understand her thinking or viewpoint, considering he's a man, and can't really understand some of our finer moods
It's not that he wants to complain, and sometimes I have to remind myself of that occasionally too, but that he wants to understand, and can't just talk to any woman he runs into about some of these things. I don't know about your hubby, if that's what he's doing or not, but I do hope that he'd listen to your wishes and not discuss things with you. A good way to get the point across, is if he's complaining to you about something your sw is doing, then ask him if he has permission from her to share the situation, and if not, then ask him not to discuss it if he can help it. Ultimately he has the choice to do what he wants there, but it's not going to be without consequence.
Sometimes husbands don't believe that wives can tell them (or ask them) to do anything without trying to be the head. I have had problems like this in the past. I have two tried and true concepts that help me out in a myriad of situations.
1Co 10:23 All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not.
To me, this one means that while something may not be sinful, it may not be helpful.
Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
This one says he is supposed to sacrifice himself for us, even as Christ sacrificed himself for the church.
If a husband shares gossip between his wives, I do not believe he is being either edifying or sacrificing. A husband is supposed to lead us in the way we are to go. To me this would fall into the category of "trying to vex" his wife.
1Co 10:23 All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not.
To me, this one means that while something may not be sinful, it may not be helpful.
Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
This one says he is supposed to sacrifice himself for us, even as Christ sacrificed himself for the church.
If a husband shares gossip between his wives, I do not believe he is being either edifying or sacrificing. A husband is supposed to lead us in the way we are to go. To me this would fall into the category of "trying to vex" his wife.
Probably the key to this has to do with how the term "gossip" is defined and how one views Matthew 18's admonition in how to deal with someone who you think is or might be in sin.
There is probably room for discussion in such a way that does not fall into the classification of gossip. However, it might be a hard case to make that one spouse can talk to another about a perceived sin without going through the steps of Matthew 18 in its proper order since technically where two or more are gathered there is a portion of the church.
Probably the best way to look at it if there is something serious then the spouse needs to talk directly to that other spouse before discussing it elsewhere. If it is not something serious and is part of an ongoing discussion or issue of life commonly known within the family then it would likely not be gossip or harmful.
There is probably room for discussion in such a way that does not fall into the classification of gossip. However, it might be a hard case to make that one spouse can talk to another about a perceived sin without going through the steps of Matthew 18 in its proper order since technically where two or more are gathered there is a portion of the church.
Probably the best way to look at it if there is something serious then the spouse needs to talk directly to that other spouse before discussing it elsewhere. If it is not something serious and is part of an ongoing discussion or issue of life commonly known within the family then it would likely not be gossip or harmful.