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Expectations and Communication

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Patricia C

Patricia C

Seasoned Member
Real Person
Female
I hope I am posting this in the proper location.
Expectations are the root of much heartache. Far to often we enter into relationships or community with expectations if I do this... They will do this... If I say this they will say this... If I feel this ... They will feel this....
Sound familiar? Sometimes we place unrealistic or unspoken expectation on people be it a parent, spouse, child, friend, co-worker or boss etc. When the expectation fails to be met, we become hurt or angry. Have you heard the saying "let your yes mean yes and your no mean no?" How about "with this ring I thee wed ...... Till death do us part?" Do you know and I am sure you do, someone maybe even yourself who has had a failed marriage or relationship. It is so easy to put the blame on the other person. I don't think there is one person who doesn't understand how it feels when someone doesn't meet our expectations.

Being a single woman who believes in true Biblical marriage I feel there are many expectations of what I believe, think or how I should act/respond. I have found that communication is a key quality in all relationships. Especially those in and entering into a poly family. It is so easy for misunderstandings to happen. What happens when communication styles are different or difficult to express. Do you give up? Do you get angry and close the door to the relationships? What if wife 2 and wife 1 are not communicating effectively. Hearts and lives are affected by miscomunication.

I share all this with you to remind you that we all fall short and we all need to work on our communication with one another. Sometimes I don't express myself the way I feel on the inside and it can cause confusion and misunderstanding.... Or hurt feelings. I am imperfect! I screw up! If you are having struggles in your family or relationships please take time to examine the expectations you have had on the relationship. Are they healthy? Have you been clear with your intentions and what you want to see happen. In sharing your expectations and intentions does the other person/s understand and feel they can meet your expectation? If they can't are you ok with that?
Every relationship you have will be different and two or more people in the relationship may communicate differently. It takes work, sometimes hard work and adjusting yourself to make the relationship successful. Forgiveness is a must in a healthy relationship even if you have been hurt.

I didn't meet someone's expectation recently because I didn't express myself, intentions and expectations in a manner in which they understood. I pray for grace and mercy I am deeply pained that a misunderstanding would cause anyone pain when that was not the intention. I am very loving and forgiving to a fault most of the time. An unspoken expectation I have fallen trap to is believing that if I am loving and accepting of others they will also be of me. It doesn't always work that way. I don't have control of another's perceptions or acceptance. Neither do you.

I pray that those who need this will read and receive it in love. I hope each person grows and relationships will be strengthened.

Much love and many blessings to you all.
Patricia
 
Well said Patricia!
A friend of mine told me years ago that "People don't disappoint you, your expectations do"
The hardest part of the golden rule is that people have different ideas, understandings, perceptions, motivations, and expectations. We could have troubles even if we all were living that golden rule in good conscience because of miscommunications.

True communication only happens when the message intended is the message received.
Hopefully God someday will reverse what He did at the tower of Babel, and we will all understand each other perfectly. For now, the holy spirit is the best interpreter, and I'm thankful that love covers a multitude of shortcomings.
 
Joleneakamama said:
True communication only happens when the message intended is the message received.
Click to expand...
So true, because we can speak and not communicate. We may think the other party understands when in fact they don't. We each have filters everything gets processed through as it leaves our mouths or enters our ears. My filters are not the same as my wife's, therefore, I may think I am communicating clearly and she may think she is understanding clearly when in fact our filters are preventing the intended message from bring understood....

More communication is better, particularly on sensitive or delicate topics where we tend to prefer tap dancing. Asking questions for clarity and restating conclusions helps.

And, lots of grace to the other party or parties.
 
Joleneakamama said:
Well said Patricia!
A friend of mine told me years ago that "People don't disappoint you, your expectations do"
The hardest part of the golden rule is that people have different ideas, understandings, perceptions, motivations, and expectations. We could have troubles even if we all were living that golden rule in good conscience because of miscommunications.

True communication only happens when the message intended is the message received.
Hopefully God someday will reverse what He did at the tower of Babel, and we will all understand each other perfectly. For now, the holy spirit is the best interpreter, and I'm thankful that love covers a multitude of shortcomings.
Click to expand...
Amen! It is just this that should make us slow to anger or jump to conclusions about others. I know I will be working harder on myself so not to come to unintended conclusions.
 
As adults, we manage our expectations and feelings... Not use them to manipulate those around us. Thats very important in life, and online thread discussions shouldnt be the primary means by which we aire grievances when expectations arent met.
 
@Joleneakamama

My mother always told me "We teach people how they can treat us"

I'm single / so I'm obviously not the one that Patricia is referencing here. But also when things happen that are clear to one part, then of course they are going to cut ties - toxicity isn't healthy - you have to make decisions to take care of you and your family first, that's got to be the case in all situations, not just the tricky one that a family has in talking to a potential second wife.
 
I've locked this simply because, as certain statements indicate, there's a large back-story to this that isn't immediately obvious on the surface, and I think it would be better if certain persons (you know who you are) didn't use a public thread to talk about a recent dispute while they and the other party/parties are still in an emotional state. This is a perfectly sane looking conversation on the face of it, but there's a lot more to it than meets the eye, and it has the potential to suddenly go very sour for female emotional reasons. Good topic, wrong timing for certain persons.

Those of you who know what I'm talking about, listen to some good advice: Don't post anything publicly on the forum today. And by tomorrow you probably won't feel the need to post anything.

And the majority of readers who have no idea what I'm talking about: just forget this as it's got nothing to do with you.
 
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