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Feeling a bit low today...

redfox

redfox

Member
It's difficult sometimes not feeling jealous of my husband's relationship with the other wife. They go out frequently, and while she pays for them to go out a lot of the time, there are times she doesn't because dh feels like he should be paying. All of that is fine, but I want time with him too. The only time I really get alone with him are the nights she's working late, but even then, if she comes home at 10, I need to go to bed so they can have time together.

lately, the only time I've really gotten with him has been when she's working late, and any time she's around, they go out. They've been out half a dozen times in the last two weeks, and I got a trip to take the car to the mechanic one day, and a 5 minute trip to the store another day, mostly because she wanted food and I had planned to leave the house just to get out and away. He tagged along.

I know I should be grateful that I get any time with him at all, but I want to go out too. When she first came, he kept saying how great she was because she wanted to see us together and kept telling us to go out and doing things to help us in that sense, and I told dh at the time that it wouldn't stick, that it wasn't really what she wanted deep down, that she was only doing it to make him happy. She's a phlegmatic, and that's what she does. I knew it wouldn't be a long lasting thing, and now it's turned around completely, just as I said it would. Not that she won't watch the kids or anything, but she won't encourage us to go anywhere, and instead tries to get as much time out with him as possible, even though most of the nights when they're not going out I go straight to my room after the kids are in bed, so they get plenty of alone time as well.

I guess I'm just feeling fairly jealous and left out. And emotional. And I can't even tell my husband any of this (not that I haven't in the past but there's really no use). He'll just tell me that she's the one paying, and in her opinion I've had 10 years and she's only had 1 or 2 or however long, and that there are "seasons" and sometimes I get more and sometimes she gets more..... And it doesn't help that most of the time he doesn't want to go places because he works so hard, but then he goes with her anyway..... I'm just frustrated and hurting right now.

Have any of you been in this position? What can I do to not feel so hurt all the time? I try to be happy about things that dh and I get to do together, and the time we get to spend watching shows, but I'm getting tired of watching tv with him all the time and I want to get out of the house and do something. But we can't or won't most of the time.
 
This is not a fun place to be and truly, your husband should be taking better control of the situation. A true leader will recognize that you are being left out. We have a similar experience, but only because we are not all living in the same place yet. So obviously we have problems this way, but we have a plan for when we are all together.

I would encourage your husband to read his scriptures.
Exo 21:10 If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.
Exo 21:11 And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money.

They need to come to a real understanding of your rights as his wife. You need to be treated fairly. NOT EQUALLY but fair. It will never be equal but it can be satisfying.

The new relationship doesn't go back 10 years and make up for all those years. It starts from the beginning of the new relationship. You still matter and he should be as protective of your time together as hers. At this point he is not being fair to you. And if you can't afford to go on dates all the time, you can find simple inexpensive things to do like a walk or a picnic.

I believe that your husband would benefit greatly from some insight that the men on this board give. To me it sounds like he isn't really interested in doing this the right way, but if he is he is welcome to contact any of the men here. These men have studied and planned and made all the mistakes that yours is making and they can give advice without seeming judgemental. At least that is their intent. I wish that I could talk to him or my husband could, so that he could learn a few things about polygamy done right. Not because we are perfect but because we have seen the hurt that doing it wrong can cause.

We love you and are praying for you. I am available by phone if you wish to talk. Just send me an email and I will call you.

Love
SweetLissa
 
My husband is not generally one to worry about making things "fair" all the time, and he does have to try to work within her schedule. But, for the most part, we can't go out if she's working, unless we find a sitter which is expensive given the number of children we have. He does alright at times, but it's also exhausting for him because she can be fairly demanding. If she asks him to go somewhere, she either badgers him into it or pouts when he doesn't go. If I ask him to go somewhere, (and I'm talking things like trips to Target or Goodwill), he generally won't because he's tired and works hard all day. I know he doesn't mean it, and there are a lot of nights that we get just the two of us because of her schedule, but when it's her time, I pretty much feel insignificant. And then if I say that, he will tell me it's my fault that I feel that way, and it's up to me to be happy with the situation. He's very big on everyone being responsible for their own feelings, and being happy with circumstances even if they're not perfect, and things along those lines.

It's very frustrating for me. I know that I have issues with being content sometimes, but it's very difficult for me to watch him going out with her so often, and then not being able to go anywhere with him myself. I lucked out and I'll get to go somewhere with him tonight, but mostly because she didn't want to go. Then I'm fairly sure that they'll go out again tomorrow or sometime this week, and again next weekend. It just seems very one sided lately. Then he claims that she doesn't get as much time to just sit and watch tv with him, which she doesn't, but that doesn't mean that's all I want to do, know what I mean?

Sorry, I guess I'm just feeling hormonal and a little sorry for myself. I really hate weekends especially lately.
 
I'm sorry that you are hurting. I have been there...I have been in the position in the past where I felt like my needs were not being met. I will be praying for you...I don't underestimate the power that God has to meet our every need. He has already promised us that.
Incidentally, I think that all couples..mono or poly...should have a weekly date night..and one weekend away each year...at a marriage conference or something ...kinda like a tune up I guess. Maybe you could have a meeting of the minds with your husband and sister wife and suggest this for each of you. I think it would be a good idea to focus on what should be instead of what you are not getting...if that makes sense...put a positive spin on it. It doesn't seem that you expect everything to be fair at all times...just a little more balanced.
Hang in there...We are all praying.

With love,
Love
 
I Wonder, Scared, if the financial situation is not also a little lopsided. Have you all discussed how the family money is used? I would think that the money everyone in the family makes goes into a common pot so that you can also have a chance to go out with him. Does that make sense? I know if I ever work my money will go into one of the family accounts. Except for my kid's child support, my money is our money. Even some of the support will be used to contribute to household needs. It seems that she uses lots of her money as fun money
 
We have discussed money issues, but it's a tricky subject. The woman is quite a bit younger, and in some ways just striking out on her own from her own family. She has a good ability to find certain things that the family needs, and can usually find good deals at Goodwill like few other people I know can. She can also find a lot of crappy deals, so it's a bit hit or miss.... She's good about buying things that the whole family needs occasionally though, and due to her age it's hard for her to look at it as anything other than her money. With her personality style too, dh is hesitant to say that she needs to give us all the money so the whole family can use it, at least at this point... At this point, she'd just say yes without realizing the full scope of what she's agreeing to, and then get upset when she really figures out what it means. In many ways we can't even really sit down as a group because she's terrified of me and will agree to any part of the discussion without question only to go back on it later. It's very frustrating, and puts a lot of extra pressure on dh as it's become a bit of him in the middle. I try talking to her about things and she either misconstrues them or completely misunderstands, and reinterprets them back to dh, which causes all sorts more problems. So for now, finances are what they are, which is tight. He says he doesn't mind her using her money to take him out, but I think he pays for her stuff more than he realizes. I see the bank account (my job in the house), so I can see when he's doing that.

It also doesn't help that with the lack of money there aren't a lot of things we can really do (especially now in winter, it's frigid here :( ), but I keep trying to explain that even wandering around a store and talking about what we like/dislike is enough for me, if I just get to have the time with him, or for him to come along when I need something... But it takes so much to set that up sometimes because of the kids.... that doesn't help either. I love my kids, but they do make things difficult some days :roll:

We've discussed date nights before, but again, with schedules, kids, etc, it's difficult to make that work. I've done things like served the kids early and served dh later so we can eat alone, which will work better now with his late hours, but it's still not 'out of the house' which is where I'd like to be occasionally, without children.

On a nicer note. we did get to go out last minute last night, which was nice. He was playing with his band at a Christmas festival, and I was able to come sort of last minute. (He didn't know many details until the morning of). We got to sing and play together for the first time in years, and I saw some friends I hadn't seen in about 3 or so years too. It was a nice time. Freezing cold, standing outside, but nice :)

Thanks for the support and ideas. Hopefully we'll be able to work something out eventually.
 
Hi again scared!

Do you live near one of the retreats hapening this year? Maybe It would be a good idea for you three to get to one and meet other people who have lived through this stuff. It would be especially beneficial for her it would seem to be around more mature christians.
 
Not terribly close, as far as I know. We're pretty far north.
 
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