• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

Support Feeling lost

Evo

Evo

Member
Female
I am going through a lot these.
I feel lost.
I am second and the 1st is completely against.
My husband went to see a pastor who is a friend.
He told him that he has got two and explained the issues that he has because of that and it's even at the family's level.
The pastor pretended to understand and didn't judge him. Gave him advices.
And was open to meet me.

I went to meet him today.
At the beginning he seemed understanding and not judgemental.
Then I told him according to the word of God what do you say.
He couldn't hide as he's an honest man.

The truth came out, at the beginning God created Adam and Eve...
Marriage is blessed of God and no one should separate.....
Many verses
His objectives are to 1st save the soul of my husband as he seems to be lost. Once on board and my husband trusting him he will help him reconcile with the 1st and there won't be any place for me.
He said once the issues with the 1st are sorted out she will never accept me and if my husband is happy with the 1st he won't need me
In brief although my husband paid the dowry to my family in the eyes of God we are not married (according to him)
I have to find my own husband. The current isn't mine and I am not linked to him.
It's an humiliation.
He said the day he meets the 1st he will talk to her as linked to our husband but to me he talks individually as he doesn't consider me married
He said many more things and I don't even have the strength to write. I feel really low.
I am lost.
My heart is in piece
I am wondering if he's not right and I am wrong
Polygamy is sinful ???
 
I am sorry for what you are going through.
The “pastor” is not the arbiter of Yah’s will. Polygyny is a righteous institution and blessed by Yah.

Pray for your husband that he stands up for the will of Yah. But if he doesn’t, you sadly do not have a husband.

We will be praying for you.
 
It sounds to me as if your pastor is anti-poly and if so then he's going to be biased against you. And his advice will be focused on the traditional marriage and he'll want your family to kick you to the curb.

At the same time it also sounds like the couple you married were not evenly yoked spiritually and it doesn't sound like they added you to their family in good faith. He had his reasons and it sounds like he was looking for you to fill a hole in his affections. I've seen this before. Up close.

The first wife in our family, Shari, was cold and not interested in sex or children and they added Christie to the family. Christie was fond of sex and children and she filled a space that Shari had left empty. Shari liked the arrangement but then I joined the family and my big job at first was sex and getting pregnant and I think that went too far for Shari. She eventually divorced Steve and moved away to basically become a secular humanist liberal.

I guess I am telling you this because it happens.

You are not responsible for the decisions of either your husband or the first wife. But you are responsible for making your own decisions right now especially if it seems the covenant you had with your family has been broken.

I will pray for you and I will pray mightily that God acts for your best interest.

Also, polygamy is not sinful but every last polygamist is. Including me.

It is Jesus who saves us from our sins and He alone is the author of our salvation both in this life and in the next.
 
Your pastor is confused. He has some things right, but is wrong about polygamy.

He is right about this:
Evo said:
Marriage is blessed of God and no one should separate
Click to expand...
Meaning that you and your husband must not separate. He knows divorce is wrong - but he wants you to divorce. This is confused.

Because he knows divorce is wrong, yet he wants you to divorce because he also thinks polygamy is wrong, he makes these two opposite ideas agree by believing you are not actually married at all, so it is ok for him to tell you to separate.
Evo said:
In brief although my husband paid the dowry to my family in the eyes of God we are not married (according to him)
I have to find my own husband. The current isn't mine and I am not linked to him.
Click to expand...
On this, the pastor is completely wrong. You are married.

EVEN if it WAS wrong for you to marry, and your pastor is correct that your husband SHOULD be a monogamist - you are still married! Think about David and Bathsheba.
- Was it right for David to marry Bathsheba? Certainly not.
- Was Bathsheba married to David? Yes, she was. It was her son Solomon who became David's heir. The marriage was completely legitimate and her son was considered David's legitimate son.
- Did the fact that it was wrong for David to marry Bathsheba mean that once they were together, they were not married? Certainly not.

It would be wrong for me to steal someone else's food and eat it. But if I do anyway, the food is still eaten by me. The fact it was wrong doesn't magically mean it never happened.

If your husband was wrong to marry you, then he sinned in marrying you. BUT YOU ARE STILL MARRIED.

And if married, it is sinful for your pastor to encourage you to divorce. Your pastor is promoting sin, and God will judge him for this.

However, polygamy is not sinful. God allows polygamy, and recognises both you and the first wife as the two wives of your husband. The Bible is very clear on this, with many many examples. Your pastor is wrong.

But he is only saying what pastors have said for centuries. The Western Church has a long, sad history of sending missionaries to tribes that practice polygamy, having the people become Christians - and then telling them they must divorce all but one of their wives to be Christians. A very sad example of this is told in the book "The history and philosophy of marriage", which you can read online.
The Indian chief and his two wives
This chief at the time of his conversion to Christianity was living with two wives. The one first married was now aged, blind, and childless. The other was young, attractive, healthful, and the mother of one fine boy. One of these wives the missionaries required him to put away, as an indispensible requisite to baptism and church-membership. The old chief, after careful deliberation, could not decide which one to repudiate. The first he was bound by every honorable motive "to live and to cherish" especially on account of her age and infirmity; while the other was devotedly attached to him, and was the mother of his only child and heir, which he could not give up, and from which he could not separate the mother. He, therefore, submitted the case to the missionaries to decide which one of them he should put away. They decided against the younger one. And as he was old himself and his other wife was barren, that she must also give up her child. This mandate was obeyed with martyr-like fortitude, which nothing but the strongest religious motives could have inspired; opposed, as it was, to every natural sentiment of love and honor. And thus, in one hour, was that young wife and mother deprived of her husband, her child, her character, and her home; and sent away a bereaved and lonely outcast into the wide world. The report which the missionaries themselves gave of this affair closed by saying that the repudiated wife and bereaved mother soon died inconsolable and broken-hearted.
Click to expand...
This is the evil that Western Christians are taught to bring to Africa - and bring thinking they are doing God's work. And then teach to the African pastors they train also. You are just one of thousands of victims of this long and sad error.

I would encourage you to give your pastor a copy of this discussion we are having, particularly my comment here.

Your pastor is applying the letter of what he believes the law is - but is ignoring love and compassion. The Gospel preached by Jesus was not one of legalism, but of love. At this stage your pastor may genuinely believe polygamy is wrong - but that doesn't mean he should be promoting another evil of divorce. Two wrongs do not make a right. Rather, he needs to look on all three of you with the love of Christ.

If you are to repent and turn from sins, you cannot divorce, because that would be sinful. And unloving. So Christ preached against it very strongly (never preaching clearly against polygamy, but preaching very strongly against divorce, showing that even if he thought polygamy was wrong, it wasn't as important to him as the need to preach against divorce). In Christ's eyes, divorce is therefore worse than polygamy. It is certainly not a solution.

The question he should be answering is:
Even if your past is sinful, from this point today, what would Jesus have you do - without adding the new sin of divorce or any other sin? How would he act lovingly to all three of you - and not just lovingly to wife 1 and judgementally to the husband and wife 2?
 
MeganC said:
But you are responsible for making your own decisions right now especially if it seems the covenant you had with your family has been broken
Click to expand...

No it's not broken
It's just that everyone around us is making us feel bad
How we have sinned
I should just give up on him and find my own husband, I am a queen. I have to have my own man to whom I can say where are you...in simple terms someone that I can contril (according to the pastor )
 
FollowingHim said:
On this, the pastor is completely wrong. You are married.

EVEN if it WAS wrong for you to marry, and your pastor is correct that your husband SHOULD be a monogamist - you are still married! Think about David and Bathsheba.
- Was it right for David to marry Bathsheba? Certainly not.
- Was Bathsheba married to David? Yes, she was. It was her son Solomon who became David's heir. The marriage was completely legitimate and her son was considered David's legitimate son.
- Did the fact that it was wrong for David to marry Bathsheba mean that once they were together, they were not married? Certainly not.
Click to expand...
I completely agree with this
 
He's not my pastor
We weren't going to church because of the lies being preached
But my husband remembered him and said he was his friend and a good pastor we should try to talk to him.

He pretended to be understanding so that he would gain our trust and start manipulating us to make us see that it's wrong, we are not married thus not bonded and can find my own husband. He can keep the 1st.
 
FollowingHim said:
Ask him where that is in the Bible...
That is very sad and twisted, and completely the opposite of scripture.
Click to expand...

Exactly
Fortunately I stand on firm ground (the word of God)
If I wasn't spending my time reading he would have easily manipulated me and now I would have ended my mariage.


Now the issue is that wf1 isn't okay with this at all.
He has to make a choice
What should be my attitude?
I never meant for him to divorce.
But now this is the situation
I am okay for sharing but she's not okay.
What should I do?
Leave? Or just let him take the decision? What if he takes time?
 
Sometimes resistance is just the last gasp of pushback before a true breakthrough. Not always, of course, not by a long shot. But sometimes. Hold firm in your heart the possibility of your sister wife having such a breakthrough. Do your best to treat her as if she has already had that breakthrough. Inspire her to live up to your positive expectations for her.
 
Evo said:
What should I do?
Leave? Or just let him take the decision? What if he takes time?
Click to expand...
You know yourself that leaving would be wrong. So do not choose to do what is wrong, just because you are scared he might choose it. You choose what is right.

He probably will take time to work this out. He is in an extremely difficult position, having a first wife that does not accept his second wife, people who have tried to kill him, and opposition from the church. Few men have been in such a difficult position. It will be extremely hard for him to know what to do. So be patient.

Love him and support him. Be the best wife you can be for him. Be the most loving and supportive sister-wife you can be for his first wife (even if she does not love you back). And pray continually for your husband.

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. (1 Peter 3:1-2)

This is even more difficult for your husband than it is for you. If he would find it helpful, the men here would love to meet him and speak with him. He may find it helpful to talk to Christians who do not judge him in the way that pastor has done. He's welcome to talk on the forum, but we'd also be glad to speak to him by email or telephone. People here could even have a video call with both of you. If you or he would like to talk to other Christians in any of these ways, just let us know on this thread, or start a private "conversation" with anybody you would like to speak to (just click on their name, then "Start a conversation" in the popup that appears).
 
Evo said:
I am going through a lot these.
I feel lost....
Polygamy is sinful ???
Click to expand...
Be encouraged sister, you are not in the wrong here.
The issues between your man and his other wife are between them; just try to stay out of her crosshairs until things settle down.
In my own family, my 1st wife though initially on board, after I brought in our 2nd, started having cold feet.
For a long spell things were difficult, only recently with the covid/wuhan flu mess has our family really come together and my wives accept each other. It's not quite as extreme as your situation but I think the emotional dynamics are similar.
My 2nd wife was very sensitive to the 1st wife, as you seem to be.
She cared and prayed for her and truly dealt with many rejections from her as well as times I could not see (2nd wife) as often as I would have liked. This was really painful for her to not see her husband so often but she understood as @FollowingHim has stated that divorce is not allowed for these reasons. We didn't do things perfectly as your family hasn't started out perfectly either but if you cling to loyalty to God and your husband this gives room for the holy spirit to work on your sister wife's heart.
Bucker down, it may take a long time. let's be asking our Father in the mean time for all of it. Let's ask for a best friendship to form between you and your new sister shall we? Let's set our sights on this for you truly can do all things through the one who strengthens you Evo.
 
@Evo If you would like my 2nd wife would be happy to talk, email, chat with you privately.
I think seeing success in this area from her perspective could be useful. If it's something you would like and your husband is ok with it, just send me a Private message with your contact information and *my wife* will contact you.
 
FollowingHim said:
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. (1 Peter 3:1-2
Click to expand...
That's the verse that has been helping to hold on.
But sometimes I wonder if it's right all this.
The pastor shook me.
He made feel as if I wasn't understanding well the Bible and was living in the old covenant while even in the new one Jesus never said it was a sin.
Plus he used many verses that all churches use to justify one man one woman theory
 
Too many pastors these days believe in and evangelize things that are not in the Bible. I could make a big list but the bottom line for me is found in the old saying that if Christianity were illegal there would be no evidence to convict them of the crime.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top