When the first wife is not wanting to share but "accepting"?
I found that being the first wife who did not want to share but tried to accept and follow God’s plan, I made life miserable for all of us with my agreeing, then not agreeing and then agreeing again! I always could intellectually see the benefits of this lifestyle, esp for single moms and widows (as the Bible commands). I just could not get my emotions in check enough to really whole-heartedly accept it as my lifestyle. Our situation was a little different than with most, as Jan had been my best friend and soul-sister for 20 some years (this year is our 30th year ), and I felt betrayed by both Ron and Jan. The reality was that they had not gone out to hurt me or replace me in Ron’s heart, but for Jan to come alongside me, to uplift and encourage me when things were rough, and to help me with Ron. Jan, being a widow, needed a covering and she thought it made sense for the two of us to be sister-wives as we both loved Ron and each other. And it did make sense, just not then for me.
Throughout the first 5 years, at different times, we not only got along, but were able to laugh and love and really enjoy each other, appreciating our differences and needing one another to help with Ron (We had found out that he had ALS). Our humor and faith kept us together throughout it all! And Ron would never let either of us run away or leave our marriages. Our God was so gracious and loving to us with the patience and wisdom that He gave to and through Ron to keep us together.
Like so many others, we experienced resistance from family, friends and the church. I, especially, was counselled to leave and divorce Ron. I was never going to do that! I loved and love him too much to leave! It took many years for the family to accept our new lifestyle, but they all came around.
The Lord showed me that the only way to create something wonderful of this lifestyle was for me to change, in my thinking, my emotions, and my heart. Easy to say, very hard to put into practice!! The desire of my heart was to please my husband and always to listen to my Lord. And I still loved Jan and wanted her to be happy, as well.
So, I traveled a hard road to change myself into a loving and accepting wife and sister-wife. How? I can only say that it took many prayers, tears, facing my own fears and actions, and waiting on the Lord to change me. I so wanted to be different!! I wanted to be that loving, gracious, beautiful wife that he had fallen in love with, and an understanding, kind, and loving sister-wife for Jan. I always could see her hurt, and now I could see my meeting her where she hurt. She loved me and always wanted the best for me. And now I could be that wife and sister-wife God meant me to be.
I changed, and everyone else changed. It was a true miracle in our lives! Lots of patience, love, kindness, long-suffering, laughter, a sense of humor, and not taking yourself so seriously really helps!! Our love for the Lord carries us throughout our lives.
When the first wife doesn’t want to share, encourage her and try to understand her fears, and try to put yourself in her position. If she is accepting of her husband’s choice, and realizes that God wants this for the good of the whole family, then with patience and lots of long-suffering on your part, let her work this out in her emotions and actions. Often if we continue in an action over a period of time, then our minds will come to accept the reality of life. Give her lots of love and time and take time for the three of you to pray and study the Bible. Show her what the possibilities of experiencing a wonderful, fun-filled life this can be.
And all need to be kind and loving to the second wife and give her the encouragement needed for her to fit in to the marriage. There will be a lot of arguments and fighting at different times, but take heart, ‘this too will pass’! Love conquers all, and if you persist, with God’s help, you too will find a loving relationship with all three of you. Do not forget to laugh, love, and pray!
We all praise our Lord for His Patience and love!!
