Good reasons for getting married - to a second wife

[CecilW]

a) Taking "marriage" to "plural marriage" is about opening your heart extraordinarily wide. For everyone involved. Wider than most folks are willing to.

b) If you are middle aged, and a woman alone (with or without children, "in need" or prosperous, the numbers of available men to women are becoming increasingly skewed against you. Yet Paul instructed "widows" (Greek: No longer married, whether due to death or divorce) to marry. Marry whom? PM is a pretty good option, if the existing family are truly willing to get into a) above. Sorry, church group isn't marriage -- for a number of obvious reasons.

c) God puts different things into different people's hearts. My younger brother has lived in one town all his adult life. Seems happy mowing the lawns at his rental properties, remodelling as needed, etc. Trying to live his life would drive me bloomin' nuts. Different stuff in my heart. If God has put PM in your hearts, that's that. Give Him thanks, and see where the trail leads.

 

[JustAGuy]

the only reason God put them together was for companionship.

Only? Didn't God create Adam for relationship w/Him? And Eve too? To walk w/them in the cool of the evening? The whole thing is about us (humans and God) enjoying relationship together!

...because of their sin, the rest of the reasons for marriage become important...

Which reasons?

...why not just join a church group...

Bingo. Koinonia is designed to be an effective solution but we're usually horrible at it. IMHO people use marriage when koinonia may be a better solution.

That said koinonia and marriage are interdependent. Hard to have great marriages in a church w/terrible koinonia. Hard to have great koinonia w/high divorce rate in a church. We have high church hopping and high divorce rate in most Christian 1st world countries. Which do we fix first? Maybe PM provides a wider, more stable platform on which to fix the koinonia?

What is the draw...?

CW hit it on the head. Because you want to. Because it's a blessing. Because you want her. Because she's attractive. Because she respects your current wife. Because she has spiritual gifts neither you nor your current wife have and there's synergy there you wouldn't have otherwise. Because your first wife would like to get rid of you every once and a while... There's a lot of God-honoring truly enjoyable reasons. The issue isn't a theological one, it's a practical one, "How do we go about living like this?" And that's what BF is here for.

Disclaimer: I'm speaking from abstract point of view. I've not lived PM myself. There's others on this board w/life experience and I advise you weigh their input (and God's) more heavily.

 

[JustAGuy]

Through Adam and Eve's sin, God would use the marriage relationship to populate the world.

Correct me if I'm wrong here but the plan for Adam and Eve's mutual love to bear fruit was built into the original design, it wasn't dependent on any missteps per passage below.

Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth."

IMHO God created us merely to bless us. No other reason. He didn't need the companionship. He just had a good thing going on and wanted to share. It's just who he is. By nature, love produces fruit which is why God created us - he's pure love - and his loved overflowed into creation of us.

It seems more of fulfillment of a need He put in us. I assume some of us He put more of a need than others, therefore the PM way does seem to satisfy that need. And the need I am talking about is one of companionship as opposed to sexual.

Interesting. I don't disagree however I don't think you'll find passages in the Bible (other than the Genesis 2 passage) supporting the concept that marriage is a good solution for someone desiring companionship. You will find dozens of passages recommending koinonia. Doesn't mean marriage-for-the-sake-of-comapionship is a bad idea (breathing isn't listed as a good thing either), just saying it's not specifically called out. But let me know if I'm mistaken.

 

[Nancy56]

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[BobZupp]

Recently, I had a thought ... European/Western romantic literature has been around for about 800 years. The basic concept of the relationship between men and women (as expounded in European/Western romantic literature), is that a man finds a woman and raises her up, places her on a pedestal, and adores/worships her. By nature, the European/Western mind places the woman over the man, and therefore (in this sense) the man cannot serve two masters (ie wives) therefore he will only serve (love) one and hate the other.

Having recently been through (and still going through) the emotions associated with being 'attached' to two women (my wife and an unmarried friend - who is still only a friend ... but getting a little closer), how does one effectively deal with the inbuilt drive (of the European/Western mind) of having only one wife/master?

I suspect it would be easier if one's wife strives to be Biblical and seeks too serve God through serving her husband - but such women are a rarity in Western societies.

Admittedly, I am quite 'broken' but God has brought me down this path for a reason, and as there are many women out there seeking to have a complete family (ie husband and children), I am drawn to help where I can.

How have others resolved this emotional struggle?

 

[andrew]

The only master we should be serving is Christ. The Western church has pulled a bit of sleight of hand by taking "husbands, love your wives" and turning it into "happy wife, happy life". In other words, the principle calling and purpose of an adult Christian male in this culture is to keep his wife happy. Slick, eh?

The more focused you are on serving Christ alone, the more solidly you are grounded in an understanding of who God has called you to be and what he has called you to do for his kingdom, the more you let "the Lord build the house", the less of an issue you'll have with any emotional struggle.

 

[ylop]

By nature, the European/Western mind places the woman over the man, and therefore (in this sense) the man cannot serve two masters (ie wives) therefore he will only serve (love) one and hate the other.

Great insight there Bob.

That makes sense, the get down on your knees and ask for the woman to generously consider your offer of marriage is a reversal of the Biblical priorities.

As in, Eve was made as a helpmeet for Adam, not visa versa.

I am thinking about this lots now, thank you.

 

[dodidodi]

I agree, great insight.

The struggle is not with the European/Western culture as a mindset, but as a Christian it is more to do with what the church has branded a sin when God did not. For Christians, the structure of one man, one woman is hard to overcome because the church has said it is wrong. Kind of like learning to dance, or listen to music, or drink alcohol, when you have been told it is wrong according to the bible, when it is not (to some). There is Grace, and there is Law, and there is God's Love as a Father to use either, or both, to guide His children. Our job is to listen and try to discern from the Holy Spirit which is right for each of us.

If a wife is having an issue finding her place with God, the primary focus would be on helping her see that relationship before adding to a marriage. Being called to be a servant is different than placing another on a pedestal. It is determined from a position in Christ.

The emotional struggle comes from not understanding ones position in Christ and not understanding what He would have you do. Husband's love your wives as Christ loves the church, may mean that you have to wait until she is ready to accept God to handle your relationships. Whether culture or the church says that plural marriage is right or wrong, doesn't really matter until you hear from God. And what you hear will absolutely depend on being a servant to those God has placed within your realm.

 

[FollowingHim]

Good thoughts BobZupp. I don't like the getting down on one knee proposal thing for that very reason - and didn't do it either.

The Bible tells husbands to love their wives, and in the same breath tells wives to submit to their husbands. These are self-balancing and avoid abuse by either spouse. Problems arise when people just read one and ignore the other.

Husbands are to love their wives, but can't take that so far as to just do whatever their wife wants to demonstrate their love, as the wife is to submit to the husband not the other way around. Ignore the balance and you get a henpecked husband.

Wives are to submit to their husband, but the husband can't force her to do anything bad or oppress her as that would be unloving. Ignore the balance and you get a beaten wife.

Follow both and you'll have a successful and happy marriage.

 

[UntoldGlory]

The emotional struggle comes from not understanding ones position in Christ and not understanding what He would have you do. Husband's love your wives as Christ loves the church, may mean that you have to wait until she is ready to accept God to handle your relationships. Whether culture or the church says that plural marriage is right or wrong, doesn't really matter until you hear from God. And what you hear will absolutely depend on being a servant to those God has placed within your realm.

That's good stuff right there!

 

[BobZupp]

There is another question that I have, which I believe falls into the category of marrying another (as well), is the language used in the West to convey one's love for another.

The point of conflict, for me, is the common practice of saying things like, 'You are the ONLY one for me'; and 'I want to be with you ALWAYS'.

Most 'popular style' 'love' messages speak from a monogamy perspective.

Can those who have working PM families please enlighten me of how you convey your love without creating the 'one-and-only' dilemma?

 

[andrew]

You can't buy modern greeting cards, that's for sure!

 

[andrew]

On a more serious note, it gives you the opportunity/responsibility to think through what "love" really is. And maybe the emphasis shouldn't be on the "forsaking all others" part. Is the essence of love really just agreeing not to love anyone else? Is the essence of marriage really reciprocal sexual exclusivity?

It's not that you're trying to change your language of love. It's that you're changing your concept of love. Your language will follow.

 

[UntoldGlory]

I find many, many parallels between poly and parenthood. Obviously the relationships are not the same, nor should they be, but if you're looking for ways to express love without excluding others, I'll bet you could find some inspiration in cards for grown children. No one expects you to love one child to the exclusion of others.

As far as the definition of love goes, for me, it is wanting someone's happiness more than my own, and doing what I can to further that. Being "in love" goes further, but is intrinsically linked to that basic definition.

 

[FollowingHim]

You can't buy modern greeting cards, that's for sure!

I found my wife a card that said something like "To my number 1 wife" a couple of years ago. She got it immediately and was bent over double laughing. Had it up in the lounge for ages as it was funny seeing visitors just take it at face value, completely oblivious to the way we took it... :lol:

 

[UntoldGlory]

Ha! That's awesome!