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Growing Together: What is a marriage supposed to look like?

W

wifeone

New Member
A while back, I had asked what the purpose of marriage is. I guess I am doing a lot of searching within myself lately. Feeling called to Marriage and Family Therapy, gives me a drive to really grasp a deep understanding of things within my own marriage. So, now I propose a question that might seem similar to my last question. What should a marriage look like? I guess I am not asking this in a general way. But I am asking it as is relates to my own marriage.

I know the callings that God has placed on my life. My husband also knows the callings that God has places on his life. As a woman, I know that it is OK to move forward as long as I am not walking from under my husbands covering and going in another direction from my family.

I guess I want to know, if it's normal for a married couple to be called to two different things. (These things don't clash with each other. And we support each others callings. They may even merge together one day.) Or should a husband and wife be called to work on the same things together. I feel kind of bad b/c I feel like I get in my husbands way, and drag him down if I try to get too involved in what he is doing. But if I keep my distance, I feel a bit disconnected and maybe he feels like I am not being encouraging or supportive. Basically, I am trying to find the healthy balance of living my own life as an individual and walking out the callings God has for me; while not completely growing apart from my husband and merely becoming his roommate in passing.

I don't want to be selfish. I would never put anything before my family. But I do want to fully walk out the call that God has on my life without neglecting to be a good help-meet to my husband. I read about the virtuous woman in proverbs 31. She seemed to adore her husband. She seemed to be submissive. Yet she worked very independently from him as she ran the household, did her own business interactions with merchants and made purchases. I am sure she did this under the watchful eye of her husband and NOT without him knowing.

Sorry to be long winded.....I just don't really know how to fully express my feeling on this matter. I just want to live my life to the fullest and I want to be a supportive help-meet for my husband. But I don't want to interfere with what he does b/c I feel like I drag him down when I do get too involved due to my own lack of faith....or nagging...or what ever it is that clashes sometimes.

Any thoughts on this would be a great help. Thanks in advance.
 
Re: Growing Together: What is a marriage supposed to look li

Hello wifeone,
I think that you can encourage your husband and affirm what he is doing without being involved...just like I cheeer at my 14 year old son's football games and take pictures and pay for the after game pizza with the team ...but I'm not down on the field during the game or in the locker room buttoning his helmet.
I also think that you are on the right page as far as your priorities go. Young women should be busy at home just as Paul said, but after your family is cared for then I don't think there is anything healthier than pursuing things that contribute to your own personal growth and faith...I think it makes you a better wife and mom.
I remember when I was a young mother. I was certainly very busy so it was not possible to be bored, but I think I suffered from I don't know what you called it...intellectual boredom. Knowing that I had abilities and intellect that extended beyond dishes and diapers. So the classes I took and things that I pursued not only enhanced who I was as a woman but I was a more effective wife and mom. I know that not every woman has this need because we are all different, but that is how it was for me.
I don't think I would worry about not having the same vocational interests as your husband. Diversity is a good thing. The most important thing is that you both have a common goal of building a strong family that honors God and of being a light for Christ in our generation.
This is my own personal opinion. I hope it helps.

Your Sister,
Heather
 
Re: Growing Together: What is a marriage supposed to look li

I would agree with Love on every level. But I will ask this...

How does DH feel about it? Because in the end, it is his headship that matters. If he encourages you to pursue your goals, than by all means do so. If he wants you to be involved in his ministry, find out exactly what that means to him and do what he asks. If God is calling you in another direction, he will make it clear to you and DH.

Your marriage is different than anyone else's marriage. God has the roadmap for you and your DH. It is possible to be so focused on your own calling that you miss the boat on your marriage and being the help meet that your husband needs. But I don't believe you suffer from that. I believe that you are taking your cues from DH with God's leading.

When you have variety in the way you serve the Lord, at least you will always have stuff to talk about. At the end of the day, when I have been gone all day, we have much to talk about and share. If we are together on every little thing we do, then what do we have to share. What advice can I ask of him when he is with me all day every day?

SweetLissa
 
Re: Growing Together: What is a marriage supposed to look li

I am sure she did this under the watchful eye of her husband and NOT without him knowing.
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For Heaven's sake, WHY? The woman in that scripture knows exactly what she's doing and why, having learned at the feet of her mother and grandmother. Yeah, her husband should know something of what she does so he can be properly appreciative, but, "under the watchful eye?" I don't think so. He's got his own tasks to do, who needs a help meet that you have to keep an eye on? If she comes to him and says, "honey, I had a problem down at the market today." He should pay close and immediate attention - and solve the problem if it needs his attention. On the other hand, if she says "Oh, by the way, that nasty little man who hangs out down by the market shouldn't be allowed in the Temple any more, he squeezed the wrong buns and I'm afraid I made him a castrati." :o In that case the husband might want to know if the little creep's family might cause any problems.

Anyway, a husband does not need to and should not be spending his time micromanaging what his wife does.
 
Re: Growing Together: What is a marriage supposed to look li

My own humble opinion is that a wife's only calling is to be her husband's help. I think when a woman makes herself available to her husband to do what he needs, she is best fulfilling her biblical, God-given role as a wife. He may need her to focus solely on child rearing and home making, or he may need her to run his office, or something in-between. Whatever the job, the wife's focus needs to be on what her husband (head) sees as important. I know that doesn't sit well with many women, but I believe it is a position based entirely on scripture.
 
Re: Growing Together: What is a marriage supposed to look li

For Heaven's sake, WHY? The woman in that scripture knows exactly what she's doing and why, having learned at the feet of her mother and grandmother. Yeah, her husband should know something of what she does so he can be properly appreciative, but, "under the watchful eye?" I don't think so. He's got his own tasks to do, who needs a help meet that you have to keep an eye on? If she comes to him and says, "honey, I had a problem down at the market today." He should pay close and immediate attention - and solve the problem if it needs his attention. On the other hand, if she says "Oh, by the way, that nasty little man who hangs out down by the market shouldn't be allowed in the Temple any more, he squeezed the wrong buns and I'm afraid I made him a castrati." In that case the husband might want to know if the little creep's family might cause any problems.

Anyway, a husband does not need to and should not be spending his time micromanaging what his wife does.
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Why? Because it is his job as the head of the household to know what is going on with his family. NO he doesn't need to micromanage, but he does need to be aware. There are levels of trust that build up over time. When people are newly married, they are still getting to know each other and therefore spend a lot more time discussing the things that should be. (At least in my opinion.) During this time the wife is learning what her husband does and doesn't want. The husband is learning what he can trust about her. If they are smart they are using the "honeymoon" period to learn each other and learn to make choices that will please each other. Down the road, the husband should be able to trust the wife to make decisions that are the same ones he would make in the same circumstances, so he no longer needs to micro-manage. But he still needs to be aware, just like women need to be aware of what is going on in with the children and with the finances. When we are aware of what is going on around us, we rarely get surprised.

The reason for the awareness is this: People change over time. They can get distracted. Someone might take advantage of them. They might get tempted and if no one is paying attention it is easy to get away with things. Not that anyone sets out to get away with thing, but the enemy rarely fools a family that is aware. He sneaks up and harms people who are blissfully assuming that everything is being done the way it always has been done. Christians can never let their guard down. The moment they let their guard down, they are vulnerable to an attack from the enemy.

Husbands must be aware of what is going on with their families. Wives must be aware of what is going on with the family.

Trust is something that grows over time. My function is to support my husband's ministry, but I have a ministry of my own. And he supports me in that ministry as I support him in his. My ministry complements his and his complements mine. That is not the case in every family. Each family must serve the Lord the way the Lord asks. Neither God, nor my husband have asked me not to work, and until one of them does, I will continue to work. Some people think that is sinful, to me, I am helping to further the ministries that God gave us with financial support.
 
Re: Growing Together: What is a marriage supposed to look li

Lissa, I was responding to wifeone's comments in reference to Proverbs 31. The way I read it, this is not some blushing bride, new to marriage, but a wife of several years. Her husband doesn't need to watch her every move. Yes, I agree he must know what she's doing, but my point is, he must trust her in her field just as she trusts him to provide for the family.

Dave
 
Re: Growing Together: What is a marriage supposed to look li

Shimon said:
Her husband doesn't need to watch her every move. Yes, I agree he must know what she's doing, but my point is, he must trust her in her field just as she trusts him to provide for the family.

Dave
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Absolutely.

When Proverbs 31 says, "the heart of her husband doth safely trust in her", I think that speaks volumes as to the relationship between the Proverbs 31 woman and her husband. He trusts her because he knows that she is ultimately doing his will and has his desires at the forefront of her mind. That is the ultimate job of a wife, laid out clearly through all scripture, starting with God's description of Eve as Adam's help, and specifically in I Timothy and Titus.

The Proverbs 31 woman was most certainly under the authority of her husband, doing exactly what she was supposed to be doing, that is, diligently running her household and anything else her husband desired her to run. If she wasn't, she would be in direct contradiction to the scriptural admonition of a wife, and she wouldn't have been esteemed for her excellence.

To put it in business terms, my husband is the president and I'm the manager. It's my role to manage what he sees as necessary for the proper functioning of our household. This is no second-class job! Our family and our farm could not function without me as the manager. My husband knows this, and trusts me to do my job. However, my job description must ultimately come from him.

Christian feminists (that's an oxymoron) have disgustingly co-opted the Proverbs 31 woman into their very own Elizabeth Cady Stanton. Taking the inaccurate viewpoint that the Proverbs 31 woman was under her own authority, doing what she felt "led" to do, totally undermines the God-given structure of authority that is laid out in scripture.

A good husband will use the wonderful gift that the Lord gave him (his wife) to further the Lord's kingdom. If a husband is micro-managing every aspect of the wife's domain, he's going to: 1. Drive his wife crazy 2. Drive himself crazy 3. Destroy their marriage.

The most important aspect of this conversation is that the wife is doing what her husband sees as necessary for their family to function for the glory of the Lord.
 
Re: Growing Together: What is a marriage supposed to look li

Since we are talking about the Proverbs 31 woman/wife, I have a question. Does anyone think that the description of her activities identify her as a plural wife?
 
Re: Growing Together: What is a marriage supposed to look li

Does anyone think that the description of her activities identify her as a plural wife?
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If I understand the passage right John, it does not speak of an individual here, but rather of an ideal. While I don't feel it necessarily is describing a plural relationship, it well could be because in giving the ideal, it sets the standard for any wife. Because she is able to run his household well, without supervision, he is able to sit with the elders at the gates and lend his experience and wisdom (he must be wise, look at his wife) to the affairs of the village. Just like in my days as a supervisor in the service, the guys (or gals) I gave the toughest jobs to were the the one that I knew could get the job done without my direct involvement. If I'd needed to look over everyone's shoulder, we couldn't have accomplished a tenth of what we did in preparing for and then sustaining our deployment to Desert Shield/Desert Storm.

Dave
 
Re: Growing Together: What is a marriage supposed to look li

2 cents more on Prov 31 ... What occurs to me when reading this passage is what is MISSING. Priest, King, Warrior.

What I got out of it was affirmation that any or all of the mentioned occupations were valid for a woman to pursue, and that it included a wide vaeriety -- not the narrow focus of dishes and diapers. Thus, was intended to be an encouragement to a bored woman to spread her wings, and to a narrow minded man to lighten up.

NOT that to be an ideal mate one must do ALL of those things!!! Sheez! There'd be no tie left for snuggling. And any man who sets hs wife so many tasks that there's no time left for snuggling is, (in my book,) by definition, UN-wise!!!

As to the specifics of WifeOne's situation ... not enough info is given. What is meant by two differnt directions? One feels called to move or travel constantly? The other to make a safe place to raise the kids? Can that be worked out? Wife wants more education. Is husband opposed? Or says "we can't afford formal education at present, and the Bible says to avoid debt."

Or is the whole question one of finances or family involvement? You mentioned nagging. No-one nags their husband to follow his dreams or preach more or ...

Whatever the situation, there IS a solution, and a Father eager to unfold it.

But rest assured, there is nothing inherently wrong with harboring or pursuing an ambition to obtain and use a professional education such as Family Therapy while being a mom and wife.
 
Re: Growing Together: What is a marriage supposed to look li

But rest assured, there is nothing inherently wrong with harboring or pursuing an ambition to obtain and use a professional education such as Family Therapy while being a mom and wife.
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Amen to that. My wife works full-time as a mental health counselor. Her specialty is helping those who survivors of trauma - abuse, violence, combat, whatever. She's works with them all. There are times when it wears on her and she turns to me for support. In turn, I take her troubled heart before the Lord. We've been on this road for ten years now since she was first licensed. He hasn't ever let us down - although He has thrown in a few bumps and direction changes. But, as we are promised, his cross is light - as long as we keep on trusting him.

DaVE
 
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