My husband just informed me he is considering not letting our families meet or know any children we may have in the future unless they are people he believes love God. Possibly only people who keep Torah. How can I just go with that? My mom and all my other family members are so important to me and we are all close and so just knowing he is thinking this way has me so devastated that I feel physical pain. Anyone one else been through this or have anything to share?
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Heart broken again and again.
- Thread starter WhoCanFind31
- Start date
Probably best if your husband would discuss this with us himself, because what he means may differ from the impression you have received.
But here are two things for him to ponder:
But here are two things for him to ponder:
- We are to be salt and light to the world. To influence it for good. How can we be salt and light if we never interact with the world?
- Is he going to cut off meeting with every single person in the world who is not following God the "right" way? Or are you still going to go to the supermarket, chat to neighbours, let the children participate in local activities (school, evening clubs, music lessons, visits with friends), and deal in business with secular employers / customers? Because if you're still going to interact with other people, but just not family, is that not hypocritical? And if you're still able to interact in some way with secular people, how much more with family?
I have known men who have cut off most or all contact with their own family or the in-laws. In every instance I've seen this was due to problems in those families that threatened the sanctity or safety the family (i.e. bad spiritual influence, abuse, continual drama that disrupted the family, family members calling or threatening to call CPS on them, etc) and they were better off for it.
Often the wife was not happy about it in the moment or didn't understand why; but with time they came to understand and even embrace the necessary of it.
How do you go along with it? You just do. Leave and cleave; your loyalty and focus in life should be on him and your children over your own family. Yes it will hurt, but it's not much different in affect than if his job carried you all to the other side of the country. You just have to move on and focus ahead. Don't dwell on it or be bitter about it; nothing good will come of that. Instead, take comfort in the fact that, whether you agree with the decision or not, he's doing this for your children's protection. He cares. Many wives can only wish their husband would care so much.
Also, "not letting our families meet or know any children we may have in the future" doesn't necessarily mean you can't stay in touch with family and maintain those relationships; depends on the details of his instruction. We have family we keep in touch with even though they've never met any of our children due to how far away they live.
Often the wife was not happy about it in the moment or didn't understand why; but with time they came to understand and even embrace the necessary of it.
How do you go along with it? You just do. Leave and cleave; your loyalty and focus in life should be on him and your children over your own family. Yes it will hurt, but it's not much different in affect than if his job carried you all to the other side of the country. You just have to move on and focus ahead. Don't dwell on it or be bitter about it; nothing good will come of that. Instead, take comfort in the fact that, whether you agree with the decision or not, he's doing this for your children's protection. He cares. Many wives can only wish their husband would care so much.
Also, "not letting our families meet or know any children we may have in the future" doesn't necessarily mean you can't stay in touch with family and maintain those relationships; depends on the details of his instruction. We have family we keep in touch with even though they've never met any of our children due to how far away they live.
I like what @FollowingHim posted. FollowingHim gave good food for thought as far as evaluating the real world situation. Processing the analogy and sifting through to bottom lines on these points may cause you more concern if you see the logic and find cherry picking discrepancies in your husband's decision making. Remember he stands before God for every decision he makes and for the ramifications his decisions bring. If he's being real w/o self-driven ulterior motives, there's no way he won't realize the hurt he's bringing to you and family. If this is a "pay back/get even" decision with someone(s) that also will become obvious. Nevertheless, for you right now, it's a test from your Father. I'm sure this has blindsided you and left you reeling. My husband and only son-in-law "duked it out" using family as the chess pieces and drawing card. It was not easy!! My heart ached repeatedly because this didn't just happen one time. However, there was nothing I could do, and to try to do anything would have only made things worse. So, dear one, guard your heart in the midst of it breaking. Please resist the enemy that desires to use this to drive a wedge. Fight that with a vengeance! Cry buckets of tears as often as you need. Yeshua is right there with you, holding you, loving you. Let Him! Find a resting place in Him. Pray for your hubby and for wisdom and direction. You're in a valley--a pretty deep one, but you're not alone! Look up, not down and around. Do your very best to stay face-to-face with the One who loves you more than anyone here on Earth could ever love you! Listen for that still small voice that will give you ways to do something special for your hubby from a sincere and loving heart and then follow through, rejoicing as you carry out the mission and do those things as if you were doing them for the Lord Jesus Himself. Think of your favorite songs. Sing them to yourself. It's really hard to sing through tears, but it's a choice, and you can do this. Philp. 4:13 I've got so many Scripture songs which are in my arsenal for times just such as this, and I use them regularly. I wish there was a way to get them to you. They would mightily equip you for this spiritual battle. Remember, your hubby is not the enemy, though it may seem that way or feel that way.
@rockfox has also given sound advice. Is your husband on the forum? It would be great for him to connect with the men here. If you'll let Yeshua work the work in you which He desires to accomplish, stay on the potter's wheel, and yield to His sovereign will, you will come through this having learned things that only this test and trial can teach you. You are the beloved daughter of the Most High God! Rejoice in that!! Find something--even a tiny thing--for which you can truly be thankful and then begin to praise Him in the midst of all of this. It will totally turn things around in your spirit. God inhabits the praises of his people. (Psalm 22:3) Please PM me if you wish. I must somehow get these Scripture songs to you. I'm just not sure what the best way would be. I'll be praying for you.
@rockfox has also given sound advice. Is your husband on the forum? It would be great for him to connect with the men here. If you'll let Yeshua work the work in you which He desires to accomplish, stay on the potter's wheel, and yield to His sovereign will, you will come through this having learned things that only this test and trial can teach you. You are the beloved daughter of the Most High God! Rejoice in that!! Find something--even a tiny thing--for which you can truly be thankful and then begin to praise Him in the midst of all of this. It will totally turn things around in your spirit. God inhabits the praises of his people. (Psalm 22:3) Please PM me if you wish. I must somehow get these Scripture songs to you. I'm just not sure what the best way would be. I'll be praying for you.
I approved this post and made sure it wasn't misrepresenting me. I haven't read all the replies yet, but I wanted to clarify quickly that I don't mean to imply that I want to completely isolate myself or my family. This is more about fellowship and influences than it is ministering or evangelism. I hope to find what I read here to be useful in sorting out my own perspective. I'll be back to read the rest soon.
From my perspective all families bring drama to some degree but neither of our families in which hes thinking of not letting our children meet bring danger, abuse, or drama to the degree it would be harmful. I wouldn't let them be completely alone with them because I know that in teaching and bringing up your children in the Lord is deliberate. One day when they are older though I want them to have some what of a relationship with them so that once they are old enough to possibly spend a day with one of them they are able to witness to their aunts, grandparents, cousins ect. And that's not to say that wont be handle deliberately if that time comes because I know not every family member is the same so being cautious in everything you do is fine but to say they cant meet them in any context ever to me is extreme. I actually want my mom by my side whenever I give birth because she was there during all my surgeries growing up. They are her children's children.
I don't have time to write a long reply, and please don't think I am heartless, or don't understand how hard emotionally things like this can be.
Our example lifted up in the new testament for us to follow is Abraham's wife Sarah. She was asked by her husband to tell others she was his sister, resulting in another man taking her as a wife! Now the guy never got around to actually consummating .....but that doesn't mean he didn't plan on it! There is no record of Sarah arguing, and scripture tells us details about other things....we know she laughed, and denied it when the messengers from God said she would have a child in a year.
We have two sides of our brain that are very connected, so it might help you to try and THINK through a proper course of action rather then get stuck on imagining a worst case scenario, and FEELING pain that may never happen.
I have found that focusing on what I have brings more happiness and peace. You have a husband, and children, and I'm sure that following your husband is the best way to keep your family intact. And happy.
Modern feminism says "Happy wife happy life" my observation, experience (feel free to ask or PM me about my experiences) and faith in patriarchy as God's order has taught me "Happy husband, happy wife" is where the blessings and joy are.
I know it's not easy, but it's worth it!
I think you two need to make sure you both understand clearly what you do and don't mean. What interactions you want to allow, and what you want to prevent. Then, if you still want input, explain it to us with examples. At the moment it's really difficult to know what you're talking about. I cannot even understand if you'd let family visit you or not.
Nor is it clear what criteria you are using to determine if someone is allowed, and your wife seems unsure on that too.
We can't rationally discuss this until it's clearly defined.
We can't rationally discuss this until it's clearly defined.
Was it a mistake to allow my wife to post this in order for her to get biblical counsel on the right attitude to have? She asks me questions, I give her my initial thoughts, she gets worked up over the possible result of my thinking, she wants to see if anyone sympathizes and could advise her. I'll start another post to discuss my reflections, but I don't see how any clarity on exactly what those are will enable anyone to speak truth to my wife. @rockfox & others seemed to do so just fine. I don't want this post to be turned into a debate. Perhaps I was mistaken to bundle a desire to hear others perspectives to help me sort out my own with my wife needing biblical counsel.
You’re fine. These discussions on this site aid in making informed decisions. It will still be your decision. In a personal note, I like to try and come to a consensus with my wife. If we cannot come to an agreement, then we put the decision on the back burner. If a decision has to be made and time is against us, then I will make the decision and we move on. Recently I resigned a position and she was against it. I made the decision and life went on. We could not come to an agreement.
Keep in mind, it’s winter, and the nights can get pretty cold, so, (Just a suggestion) try for the consensus first. But, ultimately, it is your decision.
@WhoCanFind31
The thing about being wrong is we don't know we're wrong, or we'd change our mind and there wouldn't be any disagreement. And sometimes things aren't cut and dry but simply requires a decision, right or wrong. What you have to come to understand is it doesn't matter who is right.
Look, when you married your husband you put your trust in him to lead your family and make decisions for the safety and spiritual well being of your children. Let him do that. If you don't, you're choosing the heartbreak and devastation. But if you yield you'll find peace, security, and love beyond measure.
Let him know how you feel when things are being discussed and then follow him.
The thing about being wrong is we don't know we're wrong, or we'd change our mind and there wouldn't be any disagreement. And sometimes things aren't cut and dry but simply requires a decision, right or wrong. What you have to come to understand is it doesn't matter who is right.
Look, when you married your husband you put your trust in him to lead your family and make decisions for the safety and spiritual well being of your children. Let him do that. If you don't, you're choosing the heartbreak and devastation. But if you yield you'll find peace, security, and love beyond measure.
Let him know how you feel when things are being discussed and then follow him.
Ya I wouldn't mix seeking Biblical Council on what decision to make with this post.
Whatever way you decide, it is important that your wife knows you have heard and considered/understand her concerns. A wife wants to know her perspective matters. That you are there to listen and support her emotionally. If the decision will be hard for her, then that means it is all the more important that you know her, that she is able to lean on you for support as you walk the path together. Life is tough and the Way of Christ narrow; there will be many such times when you will need to walk together as one in this manner.
Thank you all for seeking to help in your own ways. I made a new post that we can talk about my perspective for any of you that are interested. You can find that post here.
To further the profitability of this post, I would like to share that my wife had brought this up last night while I was busy. We haven't spent much time talking about it yet. She was emotional at just the vague idea and it seemed like she could use more voices edifying her during a time that it would be difficult for her to listen to more of what I had to say on the matter. I hope she has so far. I will be talking with her more about all this very soon, as I think she is in a much better place to recieve now. Thank you all! Shalom!
To further the profitability of this post, I would like to share that my wife had brought this up last night while I was busy. We haven't spent much time talking about it yet. She was emotional at just the vague idea and it seemed like she could use more voices edifying her during a time that it would be difficult for her to listen to more of what I had to say on the matter. I hope she has so far. I will be talking with her more about all this very soon, as I think she is in a much better place to recieve now. Thank you all! Shalom!
I get in trouble for saying this sometimes but the ladies section is a good place for the women to communicate in their unique way without the men jumping on their chargers to defend principles. I'm not trying to segregate her but it can be a useful tool.
I thought of this myself, but I instructed her to share this outside of ladies only. My thought process behind this was to hope that there would be a blend of the sympathetic female edification as well as the sharp truths of the men spoken with proper measure. I probably could have assisted in directing this a bit better from the get go.
I don’t know, I think the thread is going pretty good. Interesting dilemma you and your wife brought up. Plus, I don’t see any haughtiness out of either of you. Just give yourselves time to come to a biblical conclusion.
@WhoCanFind31 I have spent far too much of my marriage in contention with my husband. So much time was lost because of it. God taught me that harboring bitterness prevented me from hearing His Word and things slowly because to turn around. I have long since learned to curb my anger or tears as best I can and try to approach my husband humbly and patiently. He is more apt to listen and understand. It is best to pray before and seek God's help for a calm mental state and an open heart regardless the decision made. And then accept his leadership in the matter.
I wholely understand that my place is with my husband and our family. That is how God wanted it. I pray you reach that understanding as well. God's blessings to both of you!
I wholely understand that my place is with my husband and our family. That is how God wanted it. I pray you reach that understanding as well. God's blessings to both of you!
The reason I asked for clarity is because it was obvious from the first post that you had come to no firm conclusion yet, but were musing on what to do, and she had jumped to the worst possibility (from her perspective) and got all emotional about it. The fastest way to get rid of that emotional turmoil, in my mind, if it is based on a misunderstanding, is to clarify the misunderstanding so she sees she didn't need to be upset about it. Hence my posts. The two of you need to clarify this before she really knows whether to get upset or not.
Understandable and agreeable. For my woman, maybe might as well be absolutely sometimes.
Love you @WhoCanFind31