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Hello from Missouri

Edward

Seasoned Member
Real Person
Male
Greetings everyone,
I'd like to take a moment to introduce myself my name is Edward I am 48 years old and happily married to my beautiful bride Paula.

In the past I've always held to polygamy was in the Bible but not a good idea because of the headaches that some of these men had, after doing some study on these various men I've come to the conclusion that their headaches were due to them not waiting on Yahweh and doing things their way.

I am a union Boilermaker by trade and was always on the road providing for my home, so I lowered our standard of living and took a pay cut and work at a hospital in the cafeteria so I could be home. We are empty-nesters now and it has hit me, hit me hard that I have missed out on a lot with our 5 children, Paula is unable to have any more children and is very content with our grandchildren but me on the other hand I would love to have more children, basically I would like a second chance to do it right, don't get me wrong we raised our children to follow the Messiah but I've also seen them do things that are very heartbreaking and I link that to me being gone.

I have made a comment about the subject to Paula and her response was I don't want to share you and I don't blame her we've been happily married for 24 years she's my Queen and I'm her King and as she puts it sometimes I'm her lord. Today we talked a little bit about it again because of untoldGlory's post on tapatalk and she informed me what if you think she's prettier than me, she's a better kisser than me, better lover than me, a better body than me, I informed her, my Queen you will always be first in my eyes, she said a Castle can only have one Queen and I told her yes but I can still treat both equal you will always be my queen.

I told her if we were to do it I would want somebody who is from the ages of 18/19 to about 30 and has never been married and has no children, so there would not be all the extra baggage or a woman who is in her mid to late thirties or forties set in her ways. I have learned from some of the reading of those who have taken on extra Wives With Children have headaches and from what I've read have not worked out.

My desire is to have more children but I will not do it at the expense of my beautiful bride I love her too much for that and yes I know I could/can share that love with another if the father so desired to open that door for us.

Believe it or not I am actually terrified at the thought of sharing my home with another Lady lol but I am open to the idea and the father will have to make everything fall into place and there will be peace within both Paula and I.

May everyone have a wonderful and blessed day, Edward
 
Welcome Edward! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I hope we will be a good support to you and Paula as you seek out what God has for you. I encourage you to keep talking and then talk with others you meet here on the site for support. We would love to hear from your wife whenever she is ready to introduce herself. Her reactions are very normal, many of us have been right were she is.

I do have one thought for you, my husband has a similar desire to invest in the lives of children. He always says that while we are waiting on God to bring someone to our family that we should invest in those that are in our community in those that God seems to put in our path. There are so many kids who do not have stable fathers in every community across this nation. Sadly, many are in homeless shelters. I would encourage you to volunteer your time to something that involves investing Godly values in children. Besides having more of your own to "do it right" you could also be a powerful mentor to some child who needs your love and wisdom.

Blessings to your family
 
Welcome!

Just a personal opinion, but I think you will find more drama/headaches/set in their ways with 18-30 yr old women than with women older than that. Plus it *may* be challenging to find a woman in that range interested in being a 2nd wife to an empty nester. Just saying!
 
Edward, welcome to the forum, and I am glad to see you thinking so deeply about this.

To be honest, I'm concerned about the way you're looking at this entire topic for a number of reasons, and would like to give you a few things to consider. You probably don't realise the potential problems your approach could end up with, I hope this is useful.

1)
You want another wife so you can have more kids and do a better job raising them. You feel you failed once and think you can rectify this by doing it again but better. In so doing, rather than focusing on the children you do have and trying to improve whatever is wrong in their lives, you are focussing on yourself and trying to personally have the opportunity to improve what you percieve as wrong in your own past. Ponder:
- If your children have screwed-up lives, should your focus be on helping them, or replacing them and trying to not screw up a second batch?
- What's in this for the other wife? What can you offer her? Why would she want to be in this situation? Is this all about you, or at least half about her?

2)
You are putting your current wife on a very high pedestal to try and counter her own objections to polygyny. You essentially propose making her the "queen" who is more loved than the "other wife". The exact situation that we see with Jacob, Rachel and Leah, or with Elkanah, Hannah and Peninah. You'll know how those worked out, and I don't think you'd want to replicate it.
I don't think you actually want that. I think you're just saying it to try and make your wife happy.
Is this a recipe for harmonious family relations? Or a recipe for extreme tension and disaster? Why would another wife want to come into that less-equal arrangement?
Should you be preparing your wife to expect to be first and be disappointed and have another round of arguments if she's actually an equal, or preparing her to be an equal now and having the argument only once?

3)
You are very specific about who you want in a second wife. But the real question is, is there a woman whom YHWH would wish to bring to you, because you would have something to offer her also? Why put restrictions on age, number of kids etc, and thus limit YHWH to only women fitting within your own desire range?
I agree with UntoldGlory - you'll struggle to find a woman in that age-range interested. If YHWH does wish to bring you another wife, she'll more likely be a broken woman with a past you can help her heal, than the perfect little virgin of your dreams.

Now, my point in this post is not to criticise you. Rather, I want to encourage you to broaden your thinking. You have thought far enough into this to see that polygyny is acceptable, and to see benefits for yourself in it. That is great. Now, I would encourage you to extend that thinking to:
- How can I serve YHWH's kingdom through polygyny?
- What sort of woman could I help, could I offer a good home to?
- Should I be seeking a second, equal wife, or a secondary wife / concubine with an inferior status to my current wife?
- How do I prepare my wife to accept that I can love another as much as I love her, rather than her having to be the most-loved in order to be happy?

You're on a great thought journey. Keep going down that journey. Enjoy the forum!
 
Good morning all and thank you for the welcomes,

After reading FollowingHim's it made me go back and reread my post to see how he came to his post.

I guess I could have worded it a little different I am NOT the writing type lol.
My replies will be Edward reply

1)
You want another wife so you can have more kids and do a better job raising them.

Edwards reply
Actually I would not do anything different other than I would be home for the children that’s what I mean by doing it right, remember I said I was a boilermaker and I was on the road a lot
And when I mentioned that they’ve done things that are heartbreaking I likend that to me being gone I don’t know how to word it we did a great job at raising our children I’ve just seen them do things that a father who’s been home all the time would probably not see that so maybe heartbreaking is the wrong word.


You feel you failed once and think you can rectify this by doing it again but better.

Edwards reply
No I did not fail like I said above I probably used the wrong word the only way to make it better is not be on the road that’s why I lowered my standard of living and I am now home.


In so doing, rather than focusing on the children you do have and trying to improve whatever is wrong in their lives, you are focussing on yourself and trying to personally have the opportunity to improve what you percieve as wrong in your own past. Ponder:
- If your children have screwed-up lives, should your focus be on helping them, or replacing them and trying to not screw up a second batch?

Edwards reply
I think I covered it enough in the above comments but to say it again the children do not have screwed up lives and I don’t want to replace them with a second batch but it would be nice to increase the size of our family.

- What's in this for the other wife? What can you offer her? Why would she want to be in this situation? Is this all about you, or at least half about her?

Edwards reply
If I were to get a second wife what can I offer her well that’s really easy it would be the same happiness that my wife has.

2)
You are putting your current wife on a very high pedestal to try and counter her own objections to polygyny. You essentially propose making her the "queen" who is more loved than the "other wife". The exact situation that we see with Jacob, Rachel and Leah, or with Elkanah, Hannah and Peninah. You'll know how those worked out, and I don't think you'd want to replicate it.
I don't think you actually want that. I think you're just saying it to try and make your wife happy.

Edwards reply
I’m trying to figure out your comment here all I can say is (and please understand I am not saying this in a harsh tone so do not take offense to it please) you don’t know me or my family like my friends know us, and I pray you will have that opportunity one day to meet me and my beautiful bride. If you don’t treat your wife like a Queen well I don’t know what to say, you ask any of my friends and they will tell you it has been this way since they’ve known us I’ve always referred my wife as my Queen my beautiful bride some people think we’re newlyweds and we’ve been married for 24 years. And for the record I do not treat my wife any different now than I have since the day we said I do to each other, so I am not trying to counter her own objections.


Is this a recipe for harmonious family relations? Or a recipe for extreme tension and disaster? Why would another wife want to come into that less-equal arrangement?

Edwards reply
If I were to get a second wife she would be treated and loved just like my wife is treated and loved, she would not be treated “less equal” as you put it.

Should you be preparing your wife to expect to be first and be disappointed and have another round of arguments if she's actually an equal, or preparing her to be an equal now and having the argument only once?

3)
You are very specific about who you want in a second wife. But the real question is, is there a woman whom YHWH would wish to bring to you, because you would have something to offer her also? Why put restrictions on age, number of kids etc, and thus limit YHWH to only women fitting within your own desire range?
I agree with UntoldGlory - you'll struggle to find a woman in that age-range interested. If YHWH does wish to bring you another wife, she'll more likely be a broken woman with a past you can help her heal, than the perfect little virgin of your dreams.

Edwards reply
In this particular comment I do detect a little tone I could be wrong, with that being said this whole thing is new to me I’m throwing numbers out but to agree with your comment I want what the heavenly father provides but on the flip side and I know this is a whole other discussion and a very sore subject with some, I am adamantly opposed to divorce and remarriage so if the woman is divorced she does not qualify period, also I don’t know how you got that I would like a virgin of my dreams out of what I posted, a virgin would be nice but in this day and age we all have baggage and regrets.

Now, my point in this post is not to criticise you. Rather, I want to encourage you to broaden your thinking. You have thought far enough into this to see that polygyny is acceptable, and to see benefits for yourself in it. That is great. Now, I would encourage you to extend that thinking to:
- How can I serve YHWH's kingdom through polygyny?
- What sort of woman could I help, could I offer a good home to?
- Should I be seeking a second, equal wife, or a secondary wife / concubine with an inferior status to my current wife?
- How do I prepare my wife to accept that I can love another as much as I love her, rather than her having to be the most-loved in order to be happy?

You're on a great thought journey. Keep going down that journey. Enjoy the forum!
I do appreciate everyone’s input and your input,

Edwards reply
I do want what’s best for my home and if the father where to so choose me and open the door for another wife I believe there will be peace and harmony between Paula and me on this subject and everything will fit together like a glove and the second wife would feel loved and welcomed.

Edwards reply
I try to ponder what I say so that I am not misunderstood, I remember back in Portland a good friend of mine would always tell me if I made a mistake, he would say… “Edward I know what you meant but that’s not what you said”, so I would say I'm sorry Paul I really try and he just laughs because he knows where I came from and he knows where I'm going, now that’s friendship.

I do apologize if I sounded harsh that is not my intentions here may Yahweh richly bless you.
 
Edward, one of the great disadvantages of online discussions is misunderstandings. If we were having a personal conversation and I took something you said wrong, you'd interrupt me immediately and correct me. But here, I'll go on and write several paragraphs about it before you correct me the following day and then I'll only get back to respond a couple of days later. It's incredibly inefficient. Sorry about that, it is what it is.

1) Kids: I probably shouldn't have read as much into it and should have ignored that point.

2) Queen / other wife: That clearly isn't what you meant. As you have said, you mean your wife is so important to you she's your "queen", and another wife would also be another "queen". Note carefully however that I took it to mean something else. Please be very careful to ensure that your wife hears what you mean and not something else also. Women are notorious for misunderstanding men (and vice-versa!). Because whatever you mean, what matters is how she understands it - and if she understands it as anything other than complete equality, my comments will apply, regardless of what you intended.

3) Again, glad you realise the need to be realistic here. When it comes to divorce, remember these things are often not entirely clear-cut. When considering a woman with a "past", we have to figure out whether this constitutes (a) past sin that YHWH has forgiven that we should forgive too, (b) sin against her as an innocent victim, (c) not technically "sin", might look like it but something we believe we can discount, (c) legitimate divorce (if we see that as an option), (d) widowhood, or (e) illegitimate divorce, disqualifying her - etc. We live in a messy world, and have multiple scriptural principles to apply when considering it. So just the fact that we see divorce as not an option does not necessarily mean that we'll end up with a young lady with no kids! So don't limit YHWH. And you may not be doing that at all, it may just have come across that way.

If anything I say is based on misunderstandings, don't take offense at it, that's online discussions. It would be so much easier to have a 2-minute face-to-face chat on this.

Glad you're here, looking forward to getting to know you better.
 
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