First of all welcome to the site. I am glad you found us!
You have asked some excellent questions.
Let me start to answer your questions by telling a little story. I was an officer in the Navy. In the Navy there is a very interesting relationship between a junior officer and his chief. As a junior officer they give you a little training and then they send you out into the fleet and you are assigned to a division. In this division is a chief. He has been in the Navy for 12-15 years and knows the ropes. You have the official power. He has all of the "natural power" as you call it. And you have to make that relationship work. How do you do that?
1. You have to be on the same team.
2. You have to have each other's backs.
3. You have to respect each other.
4. You have to be focused on the mission.
5. You both have to look out for the whole division (the sailors).
As a JO you have to respect and listen to the advice of your chief. On the other hand you also have to pay attention and if you see something that is not right you have to speak up and put your foot down. It takes moral courage. And your chief has to respect that you have a job to do.
Despite the lack of experience there are some advantages that the JO has in the relationship.
1. You have the institutional authority - Do not be afraid to use it when you need to.
2. You have a different perspective that the chief does. You sit in on the officer meetings with the captain. You are trained in a wide range of skills. You are not a one trick pony like the chief. You have the bigger picture, the bigger perspective.
3. You write the chiefs evals - The system is designed for him to please you and you can break his career if he does not (last resort).
The natural power of this situation now lies with her. She has the power because she has the greater expertise with the children and family. She has the power to make more financial decisions because she makes more money and has a need of increased independence. The move up in competence has given her independence and decision making freedom that the only reason for me to 'rule' her would be for my own selfish ambition to 'exert control' for the sake of it. Proverbs 31 + success+independence= no need for someone to rule or direct her.
A powerful and capable woman working for you is not a bad thing in and of itself. It only goes bad if she is rebellious. Are you happy in general with the way things are going? Or do you want to go one way and she wants to go another?
All ambition is not selfish. If you have ambition for what God wants that is not a bad thing. To be ambitious to the role of husband and father is not a bad thing. There is nothing wrong with exerting control just to practice exerting control. Direct your wife and see if she follows your lead even in unimportant things.
It is like the secret to getting your children to sit quietly in church. The trick is to practice at home with them when it is not important and you can focus on it.
Don't be fooled: women need a man to rule over them (and protect them) to be happy. All those single women who are pretending to be happy are faking it. Even if she chunks you she will want another man.
Where is her husband supposed to fit in? As a servant leader, I end up serving more than leading because there is not much opportunity to lead. If I were to lead, I would still have to significantly defer to her in many ways because she is the more experienced decision maker for the matter.
First of all leading is not optional. It is your job and duty.
As for as there being no opportunity are you saying that your family is perfect? Keep your eyes open. Where are they falling short? Work on improving that.
Leadership is positive, too. Where are they doing well? Let them know how much they please you in that area and how proud you are of them.
There is almost always something your family can do better spiritually. Are you leading them in prayer? Are you leading them in Bible study?
A (the?) primary mission of my family is for my children to know Christ. How are your kids doing in that area? Is there anyway you can improve that?
How do I keep from feeling that I am not head of my home? How do I keep from feeling emasculated from lack of opportunity to lead or rule?
Unless your family is perfect I think you can find more opportunities if you try.
And a plural marriage is out of the question because it would depend on her allowing me out of my marriage vows.
This is a complicated issue and whole threads have been created to discuss it.
What benefit would she gain by allowing me freedom to dominate another woman and potentially risk upsetting a pretty good deal going on now?
Don't worry about her. Prepare yourself to be blessed by God.
What would it take for you to be ready to be blessed? What would it take for you to be ready to be a patriarch?
Do you need to acquire additional professional skills to earn more money to support a larger family? Do you need to learn and practice organizational and leadership skills? Only you and God know for sure, but no matter what, no matter if God blesses you with another wife or not, you and your family will be blessed by your growth as a man of faith.
God bless you and your family.
P.S. I read my wife your story and she suggested I tell the story of Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, which is another good example. Albert was in a difficult position as his wife outranked him, but he was a faithful Christian and knew that in matters of the family he outranked her. He ruled his home and she ruled the kingdom. And they had a wonderful relationship and she adored him and when he died an early death she never remarried and mourned him for the rest of her life.
