I just wanted to say hi, since I haven't been on here in quite a long time.
Well, I pretty much had to wander about in the wilderness for a couple of years. Trying to be supportive of plural marriage for everyone else, but avoiding it for my own life. All the while it consumed me. I spent a lot of time trying to convince Paul and God that it just wouldn't work for us and I just wasn't a good enough, kind enough, giving enough person to be able to handle plural life gracefully. I was really just living in fear of being hurt or taken advantage of. That fear was the opposite of trusting the Holy One and ultimately became the god in control of my life. I'm ready to be ok now. My life is not my own. I cried out to the Lord and He delivered me of all my fears, as the psalmist exclaims. I was even afraid of being delivered of my fears, because that meant to me that I would have to go through it and be hurt, neglected and taken advantage of. Left out.
I finally got to the point that my compassion for single women resurfaced and I knew that I would not keep anything from someone in need that I had an abundance of. I could do it for another woman, but I still hoped that God wouldn't make me do it. The thought of Paul WANTING another wife angered me. He has not shown any interest in looking for another wife, but knowing that he could change his mind at any moment scared me. At the same time, I experienced overwhelming guilt for my single friends (whom I've been avoiding, too). Two in particular are some of the absolute nicest people I have ever been blessed to know and I couldn't stand that they were alone when I had been given a wonderful man. Thinking about it, even thinking about it in positive ways, always led to compulsively thinking about every possible senario and just got to be too much. So it was just all easier to avoid and Paul and I usually fought when the subject of plural marriage was brought up in any way.
I have spent the last three months coming out of that wilderness. I fully surrendered my life to the Lord's perfect will and to Paul. I came to realize that I don't need to think about it at all, just let Paul and God handle it. It will work out for the best and I don't have any fear. I don't need to fear. Besides the fact that it's sin, it is unnecessary when I have God and Paul who love me so much.
That's another thing. I am aware now of how deep Paul's love for me really is. I know for certain that he does not want to go into anything that would intentionally harm me. I know that he wants to provide the best life and friendship for me, from himself and anyone else that he would bring into our family. It probably sounds arrogant, but he says he doesn't think he could fully love another woman if she did not love me as well. It's pretty much more important to him that she and I would love each other than he and she. How could he not love a woman who is as great of a friend to me as he is? And how could I not share a wonderful, God-following man with a friend whom I love so much? I couldn't see this love from him until I abandoned my own will and rejected the fear. While I was in fear, I thought it was all manipulation and that he would do whatever he wanted on impulse and I would be left out in some way. I put off my fear of being left out and now my heart is hopful and joyful that there could be someone who would be best friends to us both and that we could reciprocate that love to.
I really did just mean to say hi and not give a whole testamony. Maybe this was theraputic for me in a way. It's nice to be real and the exposure to my heart feels good. I know it's been a rough journey for me, the last 5 years since I read about plural marriage in the Bible up until now, but I am very thankful for all of my learning experiences. I am very thankful and I am loved.
Well, I pretty much had to wander about in the wilderness for a couple of years. Trying to be supportive of plural marriage for everyone else, but avoiding it for my own life. All the while it consumed me. I spent a lot of time trying to convince Paul and God that it just wouldn't work for us and I just wasn't a good enough, kind enough, giving enough person to be able to handle plural life gracefully. I was really just living in fear of being hurt or taken advantage of. That fear was the opposite of trusting the Holy One and ultimately became the god in control of my life. I'm ready to be ok now. My life is not my own. I cried out to the Lord and He delivered me of all my fears, as the psalmist exclaims. I was even afraid of being delivered of my fears, because that meant to me that I would have to go through it and be hurt, neglected and taken advantage of. Left out.
I finally got to the point that my compassion for single women resurfaced and I knew that I would not keep anything from someone in need that I had an abundance of. I could do it for another woman, but I still hoped that God wouldn't make me do it. The thought of Paul WANTING another wife angered me. He has not shown any interest in looking for another wife, but knowing that he could change his mind at any moment scared me. At the same time, I experienced overwhelming guilt for my single friends (whom I've been avoiding, too). Two in particular are some of the absolute nicest people I have ever been blessed to know and I couldn't stand that they were alone when I had been given a wonderful man. Thinking about it, even thinking about it in positive ways, always led to compulsively thinking about every possible senario and just got to be too much. So it was just all easier to avoid and Paul and I usually fought when the subject of plural marriage was brought up in any way.
I have spent the last three months coming out of that wilderness. I fully surrendered my life to the Lord's perfect will and to Paul. I came to realize that I don't need to think about it at all, just let Paul and God handle it. It will work out for the best and I don't have any fear. I don't need to fear. Besides the fact that it's sin, it is unnecessary when I have God and Paul who love me so much.
That's another thing. I am aware now of how deep Paul's love for me really is. I know for certain that he does not want to go into anything that would intentionally harm me. I know that he wants to provide the best life and friendship for me, from himself and anyone else that he would bring into our family. It probably sounds arrogant, but he says he doesn't think he could fully love another woman if she did not love me as well. It's pretty much more important to him that she and I would love each other than he and she. How could he not love a woman who is as great of a friend to me as he is? And how could I not share a wonderful, God-following man with a friend whom I love so much? I couldn't see this love from him until I abandoned my own will and rejected the fear. While I was in fear, I thought it was all manipulation and that he would do whatever he wanted on impulse and I would be left out in some way. I put off my fear of being left out and now my heart is hopful and joyful that there could be someone who would be best friends to us both and that we could reciprocate that love to.
I really did just mean to say hi and not give a whole testamony. Maybe this was theraputic for me in a way. It's nice to be real and the exposure to my heart feels good. I know it's been a rough journey for me, the last 5 years since I read about plural marriage in the Bible up until now, but I am very thankful for all of my learning experiences. I am very thankful and I am loved.
