How the hell has anyone else ever found their way around this or through it?
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How do you deal with vows?
- Thread starter DeathIsNotTheEnd
- Start date
The bible says you must love your wife. There are no exceptions to this. It's not - love her unless you're going through a rough time, love her unless she disagrees with you etc.
Does that sound hard? It is. Is it not hard for a woman to do what she must do, to obey her husband no matter what?
This is what the bible says, and loving your wife right now, even when you don't want to, is what will endear her towards you again over time.
You want things too quickly. Give it time.
I cant feel and do the heart part of love.
I can do and am trying to do the action parts. Even though that is also still hard.
I see no hope in any of this. The only reason I'm even posting here is because I already know what the rest of the world would say and so the option is be totally alone or ask here.
I'm not looking for a quick fix on her wanting PM. I'm wanting to fix our marriage first.
I can do and am trying to do the action parts. Even though that is also still hard.
I see no hope in any of this. The only reason I'm even posting here is because I already know what the rest of the world would say and so the option is be totally alone or ask here.
I'm not looking for a quick fix on her wanting PM. I'm wanting to fix our marriage first.
There is literally no other answer for this aside from: You will. You must. It will require God to do a work in you. You must now learn to have agape love for your wife. Can you love her when she is displeasing to you? Can you love her like Christ loves the selfish, disobedient church? Yes you can, when you die to yourself. If your care for her is threatened by her holding you to your word, then you have not yet learned agape. This is not meant to be harsh, but it is the stone cold truth.
From my point of view, you making those vows has been necessary for your growth. I thank God that you made them. If you hadn't made them, you'd be firing ahead with your next relationship already. If you can't handle one woman while she's like this, what delusion are you under that you could handle two? No, this torment you currently experience is what God has ordained for you. This is what makes you into the man God wants you to be. In order to have longsuffering, you must suffer for a long time. Welcome to anguish. Welcome to suffering. Drink your fill and drink some more, because it is the cup given to you. You WILL be a better man for it.
Well, start. No. Really. Just do it.
I have done this. Every step requires patience. Patience does not mean "waiting a reasonable amount of time", it means waiting until the Lord changes your circumstances, which very well may be the rest of your life. This is your monogamous life with your one wife, the only wife you'll ever have. Ever. Believe it. Rely on it. You're doing yourself a disservice by making your wife's acceptance of you taking another wife and her stance on your vow a condition of your care for her. God gave her to you. Is the portion that He assigned for you now tasteless to you over so trivial a matter?
The walk that is before you is painful, but is less painful once you have died. The pain is there to encourage you to die. Do not torment yourself with hope. Give it up. Be happy with what you have. Cherish your wife. She is the wife of your youth, be satisfied with her. God may find a way to give you another wife, or He may decide not to. My opinion is that if you can't enjoy what He gave you the first time, you really won't like what He shows up with the next time around.
For sure. Me prescription is since your heart is heavy, you take a few days off of eating. Fast before the Lord. Unless God directs you otherwise, drop all discussion about this and tell your wife to do the same. After your fast, come back together sexually. Live life. Serve God. Do not discuss poly unless she brings it up. If she does, be honest, be concise, and then close the discussion immediately after. Do not let her make your life about how she doesn't want poly. Don't make your life about how you do. This is the way.
I feel for you brother... and I'm praying for your marriage to heal and be strengthened for His glory through this tough time!
Hi @EternalDreamer. Before I say anything else, I want to encourage you by reminding you that our God is awesome; He is All-powerful and All-knowing and He will do according to His pleasure. Keep your focus on who God is and all He has done in the past in e.g. creation and salvation, and know that He is just as able to do all this and more now. There is no limit to what He can and will do, except of course to fail. In his epistle, James tells us we will fall into various trials and it's here we must ask in faith, with no doubting, for divine wisdom to deal with those very trials. In the book of Proverbs, the book of divine wisdom, we are told to trust in the Lord with all our heart and lean not on our own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths (Proverbs. 3:5, 6). Our natural disposition is to lean on our own understanding; don't do that! Trust Him and He will direct your path.
It's only when we come to the realization that we have no other option but to trust God as we persevere through whatever trial we are facing, that we will see His invisible hand working His purposes through it all. One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given for making progress through seemingly impossible trials is; when you don't know what to do, do everything you do know you must do. Please, don't stop doing what you must do; love your wife. Prove to her you are able to love her and another wife, if/when God provides. Fulfil the responsibilities God has already given you because, if you fail in this trial, why should your current or any prospective wife think you won't fail in the future! Stand steadfast in the truth of God's word and exalt Him. He will raise up the lowly; He will strengthen the weak; He will exalt the humble. And He will glorify His name as He pleases.
It was only 18 months ago that my life looked as bleak as the one you describe. When it became known I had a second wife, I was put out of the church I had served as shepherding-teacher for 19 years. I lost my job/income and all my "Christian" friends. My wives faced huge backlash; especially my second wife. I can not even tell you here of some of the things said and done because this is an open forum and it's inappropriate to use such language but it was (and still is) very unpleasant at times. Actually, many things that occurred were down-right sinful. But the people here at BF were absolutely amazing in the counsel and encouragement they gave, and I thank God for them. Stick around my friend; learn and grow through this trial. Heed the godly counsel you receive and, in time, you will be able to look back in wonder and awe at all that God brings to pass. Blessings and shalom.
It's only when we come to the realization that we have no other option but to trust God as we persevere through whatever trial we are facing, that we will see His invisible hand working His purposes through it all. One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given for making progress through seemingly impossible trials is; when you don't know what to do, do everything you do know you must do. Please, don't stop doing what you must do; love your wife. Prove to her you are able to love her and another wife, if/when God provides. Fulfil the responsibilities God has already given you because, if you fail in this trial, why should your current or any prospective wife think you won't fail in the future! Stand steadfast in the truth of God's word and exalt Him. He will raise up the lowly; He will strengthen the weak; He will exalt the humble. And He will glorify His name as He pleases.
It was only 18 months ago that my life looked as bleak as the one you describe. When it became known I had a second wife, I was put out of the church I had served as shepherding-teacher for 19 years. I lost my job/income and all my "Christian" friends. My wives faced huge backlash; especially my second wife. I can not even tell you here of some of the things said and done because this is an open forum and it's inappropriate to use such language but it was (and still is) very unpleasant at times. Actually, many things that occurred were down-right sinful. But the people here at BF were absolutely amazing in the counsel and encouragement they gave, and I thank God for them. Stick around my friend; learn and grow through this trial. Heed the godly counsel you receive and, in time, you will be able to look back in wonder and awe at all that God brings to pass. Blessings and shalom.
May I ask, at this time is there another woman that you wish to take as a wife, someone that is in that close a relationship with you already?
The reason I ask is simple, when we first come to the appreciation that polygamy is not immoral and is acceptable before God, then we may want what we now see as on offer. The fact is many who seek another wife have been doing so for many years (some even decades) but have never found the right person to fit into their homes and life. It's a bit like wanting a new car but desiring the 2087 model, it just does not exist as yet and perhaps it never will, who knows. So do we maintain the car that we have, polish it replace parts as needed, look after it, or do we just let it go because in our mind we just want the 2087 model.
If we think about it, it's not your wife that has changed her position, thus if you truly want to save the beauty of what you once had with her, then please consider courting that same beautiful lady once more. Perhaps you need to start from the beginning. Could it be that now that she knows you believe in plural marriage, she also needs to know that you love her and want her just as you did all those years ago. Just as when you only believed in monogamy.
Only when she is totally safe will she possibly be comfortably with a change and who knows by that time you may still very much believe in poly marriage but you might even end up so content that the option is of little importance in your personal life.
If a beautiful lady started to show an interest in us and if we knew that the relationship would work, what lengths would we go to in pursuit of that relationship?
That beautiful lady is right there in your own home, pursue her, court her, love her, and let 2087 look after itself.
Many years ago I was in a similar position, my wife was often unfaithful and very submissive and I had little love for her anymore. To the point I biblically believed I had the right to divorce, after several weeks into the process I felt convicted and prayed God to lead me what I should do, I felt strongly I was supposed to continue to fight for the marriage, so I told God, if he wanted me to do that he'd need to give me a love and affection for her I didn't have. He did! But just to result in her rejecting it and pushing for the divorce. I fought for several weeks asking God why constantly. I believe the answer was open, to test me of my obedience to him. She ended up getting the divorce and just a few months after dying in a car accident! Still wondering about that one!
Yes!!!! I tell this to my wives often, especially when I hear "I'm not happy" comments. Aren't we called to love? That's a choice not a feeling at all. Jesus didnt feel like being tortured and hung on a cross, he made a choice to.
I don't personally find hoping that my wife will change, to be tormenting at all. What do we have if we don't have hope? Sure it may not happen, but as Lloyd Christmas said in Dumb and Dumber, "So your saying there's a chance."
@Daniel DeLuca right on. If you aren't in pain and you've got your sense of humor still, I wouldn't prescribe amputation!
Numbers 30. The chapter on vows and how to deal with them. Seems like a man must keep them and the woman doesn't have authority over him to release him from his vows. Doesn't even seem like YHUH releases him from them. Our problem is, we don't even know what we vowed. We were scared out of our wits and in a hurry to marry (we were engaged 2 weeks). I tried to track down the pastor of our old church in the UK where we married and did not get a response concerning our strange request about needing to know what we vowed. There is a sacrifice for things done in ignorance, thanks to Messiah's sacrifice. Intentional sin is a different matter, so we have to be careful.
If you carry this understanding out in a legalistic way, a debt can never be forgiven.
The focus is on protecting the beneficiary, if the beneficiary (the wife in this discussion) no longer sees a benefit in holding the husband to the vow, she can release him. Neither of them would be in sin.
If the husband is requiring her to release him, that’s a horse of a different color.