Hey everybody, we have been successful in meeting/discussing this lifestyle with numerous women and other couples. We have not, however, made the step yet to plural marriage. This is not because we are short of candidates; in fact, there have been many to choose from and several are truly interested as we are in them. We are waiting for the right timing (God's timing). I'll tell you up front, we are speaking of foreign women. But read on.
Before I get to the "how-to's", though, let me say something of highest importance. Try to rethink this whole poly issue for a minute. Ask yourself why you are here at this site:
1. To find a first wife?
2. To find a husband?
3. To find a second wife?
4. To learn about poly?
5. To find a family?
None of these reasons is wrong, but my wife and I found ourselves searching for deeper motives. Thank God, our "looking for someone" has lead us on a journey to grow closer to God and to each other. For us, we discovered that talking about poly has forced us to work through current issues in our marriage and think about possible future problems. Being the husband, I have been challenged to walk closer and more humbly with Christ. We have prayed more together, studied the Word more, and asked ourselves some of the tough questions. So, since you are here reading, I am assuming that you are either a Christ follower or you are thinking about following Christ. Maybe you are just checking out this strange concept and never thought christians would ever endorse this. Well, you are all welcome here. But keep in mind that God may have you on a journey to grow deeper, closer, and to walk with Him, calling Him friend. Marriage of any kind is difficult. Plural marriage is said to be even more challenging. Before taking steps toward either, get to know God better. That should set the stage for the rest of this post. You'll see why soon.
First off, let's clarify a couple things. For us, this search originally started the same way it probably did for you. Most people reading this are looking for a wife, whether a 1st, 2nd, or 3rd. If you are married, you are probably hoping to meet a 2nd wife and trying to figure out exactly "How do we meet girls?" Once you meet a girl who seems like a "possible", "How do you drop the idea of poly to her without scaring her away?" If you ARE just here looking for someone like we were a year ago, you may be disappointed even if you DO find someone. Like us, our relationship was lacking, and had we found that 2nd, things would have only become more strained. Therefore, be careful to be looking for the right thing: seek to know God and grow deeper with Christ. It's quite possible that He will bless your family with a wife as you do this. God definitely blesses obedience.
With all that in mind, when you meet ladies you want to approach them differently than what you may be thinking. Treat them as extensions of family or friends, not someone you want to get a date with. There will be plenty of time for that later; also, why would you want romance with someone you didn't deeply love as a friend first?
We went looking elsewhere. Let me explain. With all the culture here in the USA and Europe working against us, not to mention the laws against poly, we decided to sign up to a foreign site or two. But we went about it in such a way as to not scare them all away. Where you go isn't as important as what you say. Once you get responses, you have to keep your head on straight, because you'll likely get a lot of them. We bought a 3 month membership at AsianEuro.com. There are several others if you google them. We thought that Asian women were the best likely fit for us to start with. There are many, many sites for women all over the world to connect, and it's surprising how many foreign women read and write English. We were careful to write our "ad" with just the right wording. We were careful to tell the truth. I checked the box that I was "married". In my narrative, I wrote something to the effect that I was happily married Christ-follower and interested in meeting new friends. I said I was looking for a christian woman who was interested in AN ALTERNATE BIBLICAL MARRIAGE LIFESTYLE. I also shared a few facts about us. At the time, we used a pic of me only (husband); if we did it again, we would use a nice, classy photo of the two of us. Like the one you may have of yourselves dressed up for a party or a friend's wedding. Since you are probably looking for someone to join your family, it's best to mention that....talk about family and its importance to you. At these sites, you can send your "interest" or "friend request" to anybody you see, but read their profiles carefully. They often say a lot in them, not necessarily in words. See below.
[About now, you may be saying to yourself, "This sounds risky with all the scams and identity theft out there." Frankly, it is. Like I said earlier, you have to keep your head on. Men, if you are married, have your wife involved in this process. You will find she is likely better at sensing counterfits and and scam artists than you are.] Read their profiles and avoid the following ones:
1. Any woman who is bold enough to have herself pictured in a bathing suit (or less)
2. A woman who sounds like she just wants to come to America
3. Anyone who sounds too desperate
4. Someone who doesn't sound like she wants a best friend before or besides romance
5. A woman discussing her sexual desires
6. Women who just give you or your wife a bad vibe- no matter how beautiful she is!
We looked for ones who:
1. Talked about spiritual beliefs that were similar to ours (as far as we could tell)
2. Seemed to show humility and good taste
3. Ones who had children and talked about needing a husband AND father
4. Ones having some education, but not too career-minded
Trust me, there will be plenty to start with. Many that you do not even see will contact you too. To all the ones we selected to connect with, we sent an email explaining that this lifestyle is making a comeback in the USA and other parts of the world and that we are still truly Christians, following Christ and serving Him. Give your testimoney right up front. We asked our readers to bear with us and read the entire letter before they just "said no" and dismissed it. We explained that my wife was 100% in favor of having a best friend and we were attempting to expand our family and that we had done our homework and plural marriage is a Biblical concept. We also explained very carefully exactly what we were talking about. Even still, many of them thought I was divorced or getting a divorce. Some thought she was lesbian. So, explain everything out in a letter.
Next step. Deal with all the replies. If you contact the "religious ones" as we did, you'll get a number of them wanting to either pray for your soul or "tell you off" because "christians" don't have multiple wives. We kindly wrote back and told them, "Thanks, please keep praying for us." However, there were many who got the concept and were at least OPEN to write back and forth about it. Many sent pics and shared a lot more information about themselves such as their spiritual beliefs, family backgrounds, feedback about poly, etc. We spent several hours a week just answering all the emails and questions and trying to sift throught the results. We got the whole spectrum of people, as you can imagine. But we had certain criteria upon which we had agreed and prayed about beforehand.
Next step. Wait and pray. We narrowed our choices from many to a few, just by waiting and praying. Some of the women lost interest when they found out that we weren't going to fly them here in a few weeks. Some stopped writing after we told them we would not send them money. We had to block one who got jealous quickly and started writing hateful, biting comments. She later wrote back and apologized. Time is your best tool here. Don't rush into anything, and don't tempt fate or God. Give Him a chance to protect you and direct your options.
Next step. We haven't completely made the next step due to our financial restraints right now while I am in school. However, because our plans are on hold, there has been more time for us to get to know a couple possibles even better. We are actually delighted that we have not taken the next step because we weren't ready. Each day, we get closer to being more prepared and God works in us and our family.
You might be asking how a woman from another country can come here to be with you. There are several ways, and you have to be creative if you want this. For us, we are not legally married. We opted not to have the government in our lives in that way. If a single man or woman citizen of the USA wants to marry someone from another country, he/she can a apply for a fiance visa from the US Department of State. Check out: http://travel.state.gov/visa/immigrants ... _1315.html
From what we have heard, it is good to pay a little extra $$ to have an attorney help with this visa, to avoid serious mix-ups. The visa starts with a 90 day stay in which you have to decide to get legally married or she must return to her country. The 90 days will give you a chance to get to know a woman and then take a break while she returns to her homeland. When you are more sure, you can get the same visa again for her to see how God has progressed things along in your hearts and such.
If you are legally married and not willing to get a "paper divorce" to be single again to use the fiance/spouse visa, there is another fairly easy method that has worked for some. You can have a non-profit 403c organization in the USA invite her to come and work in ministry. If you don't have a 403c, it isn't all that difficult to start one. Once you have 403c status, inviting foreigners here is quite common and can be a great way for someone to come and live with you or near you and get to know each other better. We know of two poly families who have done this.
I'll close with a few cautions:
1. Prayerfully consider your own motives before looking for someone.
2. Be slow to send money to anyone, even if you are fully convinced of a real need. We have sent money (a little) for a child with pneumonia. We prayed about it for several days first.
3. Remember how easy it is to look good on paper or email. Chatting is better, but nothing replaces time spent together as a family.
4. Listen to each other, you both have gifts that God uses to protect you.
5. Take your time. Let God bring her to you.
I would love all your feedback, everyone. Jump in and share your stories and ideas.
Tom
Before I get to the "how-to's", though, let me say something of highest importance. Try to rethink this whole poly issue for a minute. Ask yourself why you are here at this site:
1. To find a first wife?
2. To find a husband?
3. To find a second wife?
4. To learn about poly?
5. To find a family?
None of these reasons is wrong, but my wife and I found ourselves searching for deeper motives. Thank God, our "looking for someone" has lead us on a journey to grow closer to God and to each other. For us, we discovered that talking about poly has forced us to work through current issues in our marriage and think about possible future problems. Being the husband, I have been challenged to walk closer and more humbly with Christ. We have prayed more together, studied the Word more, and asked ourselves some of the tough questions. So, since you are here reading, I am assuming that you are either a Christ follower or you are thinking about following Christ. Maybe you are just checking out this strange concept and never thought christians would ever endorse this. Well, you are all welcome here. But keep in mind that God may have you on a journey to grow deeper, closer, and to walk with Him, calling Him friend. Marriage of any kind is difficult. Plural marriage is said to be even more challenging. Before taking steps toward either, get to know God better. That should set the stage for the rest of this post. You'll see why soon.
First off, let's clarify a couple things. For us, this search originally started the same way it probably did for you. Most people reading this are looking for a wife, whether a 1st, 2nd, or 3rd. If you are married, you are probably hoping to meet a 2nd wife and trying to figure out exactly "How do we meet girls?" Once you meet a girl who seems like a "possible", "How do you drop the idea of poly to her without scaring her away?" If you ARE just here looking for someone like we were a year ago, you may be disappointed even if you DO find someone. Like us, our relationship was lacking, and had we found that 2nd, things would have only become more strained. Therefore, be careful to be looking for the right thing: seek to know God and grow deeper with Christ. It's quite possible that He will bless your family with a wife as you do this. God definitely blesses obedience.
With all that in mind, when you meet ladies you want to approach them differently than what you may be thinking. Treat them as extensions of family or friends, not someone you want to get a date with. There will be plenty of time for that later; also, why would you want romance with someone you didn't deeply love as a friend first?
We went looking elsewhere. Let me explain. With all the culture here in the USA and Europe working against us, not to mention the laws against poly, we decided to sign up to a foreign site or two. But we went about it in such a way as to not scare them all away. Where you go isn't as important as what you say. Once you get responses, you have to keep your head on straight, because you'll likely get a lot of them. We bought a 3 month membership at AsianEuro.com. There are several others if you google them. We thought that Asian women were the best likely fit for us to start with. There are many, many sites for women all over the world to connect, and it's surprising how many foreign women read and write English. We were careful to write our "ad" with just the right wording. We were careful to tell the truth. I checked the box that I was "married". In my narrative, I wrote something to the effect that I was happily married Christ-follower and interested in meeting new friends. I said I was looking for a christian woman who was interested in AN ALTERNATE BIBLICAL MARRIAGE LIFESTYLE. I also shared a few facts about us. At the time, we used a pic of me only (husband); if we did it again, we would use a nice, classy photo of the two of us. Like the one you may have of yourselves dressed up for a party or a friend's wedding. Since you are probably looking for someone to join your family, it's best to mention that....talk about family and its importance to you. At these sites, you can send your "interest" or "friend request" to anybody you see, but read their profiles carefully. They often say a lot in them, not necessarily in words. See below.
[About now, you may be saying to yourself, "This sounds risky with all the scams and identity theft out there." Frankly, it is. Like I said earlier, you have to keep your head on. Men, if you are married, have your wife involved in this process. You will find she is likely better at sensing counterfits and and scam artists than you are.] Read their profiles and avoid the following ones:
1. Any woman who is bold enough to have herself pictured in a bathing suit (or less)
2. A woman who sounds like she just wants to come to America
3. Anyone who sounds too desperate
4. Someone who doesn't sound like she wants a best friend before or besides romance
5. A woman discussing her sexual desires
6. Women who just give you or your wife a bad vibe- no matter how beautiful she is!
We looked for ones who:
1. Talked about spiritual beliefs that were similar to ours (as far as we could tell)
2. Seemed to show humility and good taste
3. Ones who had children and talked about needing a husband AND father
4. Ones having some education, but not too career-minded
Trust me, there will be plenty to start with. Many that you do not even see will contact you too. To all the ones we selected to connect with, we sent an email explaining that this lifestyle is making a comeback in the USA and other parts of the world and that we are still truly Christians, following Christ and serving Him. Give your testimoney right up front. We asked our readers to bear with us and read the entire letter before they just "said no" and dismissed it. We explained that my wife was 100% in favor of having a best friend and we were attempting to expand our family and that we had done our homework and plural marriage is a Biblical concept. We also explained very carefully exactly what we were talking about. Even still, many of them thought I was divorced or getting a divorce. Some thought she was lesbian. So, explain everything out in a letter.
Next step. Deal with all the replies. If you contact the "religious ones" as we did, you'll get a number of them wanting to either pray for your soul or "tell you off" because "christians" don't have multiple wives. We kindly wrote back and told them, "Thanks, please keep praying for us." However, there were many who got the concept and were at least OPEN to write back and forth about it. Many sent pics and shared a lot more information about themselves such as their spiritual beliefs, family backgrounds, feedback about poly, etc. We spent several hours a week just answering all the emails and questions and trying to sift throught the results. We got the whole spectrum of people, as you can imagine. But we had certain criteria upon which we had agreed and prayed about beforehand.
Next step. Wait and pray. We narrowed our choices from many to a few, just by waiting and praying. Some of the women lost interest when they found out that we weren't going to fly them here in a few weeks. Some stopped writing after we told them we would not send them money. We had to block one who got jealous quickly and started writing hateful, biting comments. She later wrote back and apologized. Time is your best tool here. Don't rush into anything, and don't tempt fate or God. Give Him a chance to protect you and direct your options.
Next step. We haven't completely made the next step due to our financial restraints right now while I am in school. However, because our plans are on hold, there has been more time for us to get to know a couple possibles even better. We are actually delighted that we have not taken the next step because we weren't ready. Each day, we get closer to being more prepared and God works in us and our family.
You might be asking how a woman from another country can come here to be with you. There are several ways, and you have to be creative if you want this. For us, we are not legally married. We opted not to have the government in our lives in that way. If a single man or woman citizen of the USA wants to marry someone from another country, he/she can a apply for a fiance visa from the US Department of State. Check out: http://travel.state.gov/visa/immigrants ... _1315.html
From what we have heard, it is good to pay a little extra $$ to have an attorney help with this visa, to avoid serious mix-ups. The visa starts with a 90 day stay in which you have to decide to get legally married or she must return to her country. The 90 days will give you a chance to get to know a woman and then take a break while she returns to her homeland. When you are more sure, you can get the same visa again for her to see how God has progressed things along in your hearts and such.
If you are legally married and not willing to get a "paper divorce" to be single again to use the fiance/spouse visa, there is another fairly easy method that has worked for some. You can have a non-profit 403c organization in the USA invite her to come and work in ministry. If you don't have a 403c, it isn't all that difficult to start one. Once you have 403c status, inviting foreigners here is quite common and can be a great way for someone to come and live with you or near you and get to know each other better. We know of two poly families who have done this.
I'll close with a few cautions:
1. Prayerfully consider your own motives before looking for someone.
2. Be slow to send money to anyone, even if you are fully convinced of a real need. We have sent money (a little) for a child with pneumonia. We prayed about it for several days first.
3. Remember how easy it is to look good on paper or email. Chatting is better, but nothing replaces time spent together as a family.
4. Listen to each other, you both have gifts that God uses to protect you.
5. Take your time. Let God bring her to you.
I would love all your feedback, everyone. Jump in and share your stories and ideas.
Tom
But seriously this is lots of spiritual growth and patience for you!! God will bless your family even just for your basic use of wisdom and discernment. What if the lady misses her country after a while..?
