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Husband constantly talks about getting a second wife it drives me crazy!

N

Needinghelp

New Member
Female
Hello everyone. After much thought I decided to post on this website because I'm struggling very much. I figure I should get to the point...my husband constantly talks about having a sister wife. I want to apologize ahead of time as I know my thoughts will be all over over the place. I have to say I go back and fourth on wanting a sister wife while I truly don't know if I want a sister wife I know my husband does so I'm willing to do that for him. My husband knows this and when I try to bring up my concerns or why I'm worried he gets mad and says things like "that's not for you to worry about" or "you have to do what I say because I'm the man". While I do like the old fashion male and female roles I hate that I can't even talk to him about this without him getting mad even if I just want an honest open conversation. Early on in our marriage he slept with another woman even though she was already married. He tried to use the excuse of plural marriage He tried to tell me it was fine that he was sleeping with another mans wife because they were "spiritually married". I told him it wasn't right and he finally stopped this adulterous relationship when I threatened to leave him. My husband has looked on different websites for other women to be in a plural marriage with he was messaging one woman and I found out they "sexted" each other. I was very upset and he promised not to do it again. My husband has to mention plural marriage in everything we talk about. For example an old friend reached out to me on Facebook and the first thing he asked was " Do you think she would be into plural marriage?" or he could see a picture of a woman and say "I bet she would be into plural marriage". The part that breaks my heart the most is that I'm due soon with our baby and he talks more about getting a sister wife than our new baby. I think we need to focus on our new baby right now not bringing in another woman.
I do want to say my husband is really really amazing and wonderful! He loves me very much and is so so good to me in so many ways. I love him more than anything and I'm happy with him I do not want to leave him or anything like that, but I don't know if he realizes how much it hurts me. I feel in my heart he is not truly happy with me. How can I bring up my concerns to my husband without causing a fight? Does anyone have any advice?
Thank you and I apologize for my jumbled up rant!
 
Hello friend. I first want to welcome you to this great site.

Secondly, there are lots of loving folks here waiting to talk with you about these things. You are not the first person to have these thoughts and concerns.

May I ask what your husband's faith journey has been? Is he a believer?
 
Hello and welcome.
 
Hey Needinghelp, may I suggest that you go to the ladies section? It sounds like you need to best from the women right now and so much from the left brain problem solvers.

Congratulations on the baby!
 
Welcome Needinghelp! I truly understand how hurtful talk of plural marriage can be at the beginning. It is a lot to absorb and think about. I know that men can sometimes "lose their minds" when they first come into the understanding of plural marriage. They get way too excited about the possibles before making sure the "sure thing" is on the same page. I totally agree that communication must become better between you before adding another wife. I pray that you can figure out a way to get him to talk with you about it without defensiveness or pride. We are very big on taking LOTS of time to talk, pray, and talk some more before venturing into plural marriage. I encourage your husband to read our Forums and hopefully sign up himself as he has questions to ask. It will serve him greatly to have communication with others who have already done it or who have spent more time understanding it.

I do have to say that I am seeing a few "red flags" in regard to him desiring to build a good Biblical foundation for another marriage. Granted, I am only going on what you have posted, but he doesn't seem to understand the magnitude (or emotional cost) of marrying a second wife. It is not a frivolous thing or something that can be ended just because it becomes hard. We believe marriage is a lifetime covenant, made before our Lord. I do not want to seem condemning just cautionary. Maturity and wisdom can always be gained if we have the mind and heart to desire it. I pray that your husband will desire it so he can build a better relationship with you and prepare himself for the added responsibilities of adding a new wife.

Congratulations on your baby! I hope it will be a truly blessed time for you. Please feel free to post on the Ladies Only section. We would love to support you in anyway we can.
 
Welcome, @Needinghelp .

Is your husband willing to join and interact on here as well? We may be able to give some gentle guide while giving him an outlet for conversation and processing.... could take a little pressure off of you.

Blessings
 
Hello and welcome. I have to ask, was he ever repentent of the Affair or was there just a grudging halt to it? Im not even saying I can give an answer of what to do but it is an important question. But like Zec said, the ladies section would be good. Congratulations on the little one!
 
Needing help, by all means check out the ladies forum and the Monday night ladies chat (am I really the first one mentioning the chat?…), but don't feel like we're running you off here. You be you.

Would your husband be willing to sign up here, or communicate with one or more of us via phone or email?

Welcome aboard!
 
I have some thoughts that might help, but I'm literally about to walk out the door for a multi-state trip so I'll put them up when I get back.

Blessings and welcome!
 
Welcome NeedingHelp. BF is a wonderful site to glean ALOT of information. It is so hard for a first wife to accept where her husband is within the plural marrige path, especially if he is led there by God. And it's hard to argue with God :) I definitely agree with Julie and many will say take your time and seek with all your heart the right thing to do for your family. It is a struggle, and will continue to be. The easy part was both of us understanding PM, the hardest part for me has been when the idea became a real person and still is as this moves forward. Fortunately my husband is being very patient with me and I am having to learn a greater strength in trusting him. It has actually grown our relationship even closer and a tighter bond between us, especially when the hard times arise.

I do hope your husband will read this forum. Maybe even sit together and read it and discuss together. This is not easy, but I have personally met some of these families that are plural here and they give me such love and definitely, definitely....did I say definitely ....understand what you are going through and so willing to hold you up when you need it most.

I pray he will take the time to enjoy the new life you are bringing in this world. Oh, the memories to be made!
 
Been traveling but I haven't forgot your question. I wanted to speak generally to a couple of common dynamics at play here. This may or may not fit your situation; it is hard to give someone advice when you only can only see a snapshot of a relationship, and just one side of it at that. But even if you find this isn't directly applicable to you, we can still learn something.

Needinghelp said:
I feel in my heart he is not truly happy with me.
Click to expand...

Has he said that? It is common for first wives to feel like his desire for a second wife is indication that he doesn't love you or is unhappy with you. But this isn't necessarily the case any more than having a second child means you are unhappy with the first kid. Love grows, it is not a zero sum game.

But I know that can be hard to believe. This is something talked about on the women's only board; I would encourage you to read the archives there and follow up with questions.

I wanted to make that clear before I went into the next bit...

Needinghelp said:
I think we need to focus on our new baby right now not bringing in another woman.
Click to expand...

Pregnancy is a challenging time and emotional roller coaster for both parents. This is especially true for your first child as everything is new; but each pregnancy can also be radically different in this manner as well. Pregnancy thus creates a dynamic of its own and can make even the best situation more difficult. And it can be hard to see what the other half is going through, so I'd like to try and bridge that gap a little.

As an expectant mom you feel vulnerable and have a heightened need for feeling secure and safe. Husbands may be tuned to a certain level of need in this area and may not realize they need to adjust. Men also tend to look at things in a very logical manner not realizing the emotional landscape.

But there is another half as well. Morning sickness, changing hormones and feelings of physical discomfort often lead to decreased desire for and frequency of sex and thus husbands not having their intimate needs met. Not just sexual needs but even just base intimacy; things like emotional closeness, physical touch, sleeping together, etc.

This can lead a husband to feel unfulfilled, alienated or abandoned by the wife at the intimate level, even if that is not your intention nor how you feel. In other words, he may be hurting too. And that can be a bad combination for a husband who has discovered that polygamy is an option. Especially one who's personality is low in empathy.
 
Needinghelp said:
Hello everyone. After much thought I decided to post on this website because I'm struggling very much. I figure I should get to the point...my husband constantly talks about having a sister wife. I want to apologize ahead of time as I know my thoughts will be all over over the place. I have to say I go back and fourth on wanting a sister wife while I truly don't know if I want a sister wife I know my husband does so I'm willing to do that for him. My husband knows this and when I try to bring up my concerns or why I'm worried he gets mad and says things like "that's not for you to worry about" or "you have to do what I say because I'm the man". While I do like the old fashion male and female roles I hate that I can't even talk to him about this without him getting mad even if I just want an honest open conversation. Early on in our marriage he slept with another woman even though she was already married. He tried to use the excuse of plural marriage He tried to tell me it was fine that he was sleeping with another mans wife because they were "spiritually married". I told him it wasn't right and he finally stopped this adulterous relationship when I threatened to leave him. My husband has looked on different websites for other women to be in a plural marriage with he was messaging one woman and I found out they "sexted" each other. I was very upset and he promised not to do it again. My husband has to mention plural marriage in everything we talk about. For example an old friend reached out to me on Facebook and the first thing he asked was " Do you think she would be into plural marriage?" or he could see a picture of a woman and say "I bet she would be into plural marriage". The part that breaks my heart the most is that I'm due soon with our baby and he talks more about getting a sister wife than our new baby. I think we need to focus on our new baby right now not bringing in another woman.
I do want to say my husband is really really amazing and wonderful! He loves me very much and is so so good to me in so many ways. I love him more than anything and I'm happy with him I do not want to leave him or anything like that, but I don't know if he realizes how much it hurts me. I feel in my heart he is not truly happy with me. How can I bring up my concerns to my husband without causing a fight? Does anyone have any advice?
Thank you and I apologize for my jumbled up rant!
Click to expand...


I don't know if your still reading the replies to your post but I want to encourage you to fast and pray for your husband and for the situation.

I have seen God move mountains when I fast and pray. I have also seen the results in other people's lives when they fast and pray.

God bless you!
 
My beliefs are quite possibly different than that of the fellow posters in some ways, so let me first start with that caveat.

My two wives and I have lived in a Christian plural marriage for almost 10 years now, and we have had many ups and downs, so at least from that perspective I can speak with some authority when I say:

1. Your Husband having slept with another man's wife absolutely 100% IS adultery. Period. If you have forgiven him as it seems you have, that is great and speaks highly of you, but his having wrapped that sin in the guise of plural marriage does not make it right. I am not saying he is a completely bad person; God forgives, and he obviously has good qualities for you to be so concerned about his desires. Nevertheless, if his perspective on what actually constitutes plural marriage has not CHANGED, more grief for both of you may be coming.

2. If this is something you are willing to learn more about, you should be HEAVILY involved in the courting process, and the time to do this is NOT when you are welcoming your new baby into the world. Focus on the baby now, as this is the way God has already blessed your family.

If afterwards you both are still considering this life, then YOU should decide what relationship you would want with a sister-wife, and then look for someone who has those qualities. You will have two choices: find someone else who is looking for a sister-wife, and see if you gel, OR find someone with whom you feel you could spend the rest of your life with, THEN consider asking her to be a sister-wife. Both of these approaches have their up sides and down sides.

We went with the latter btw, it was absolutely a requirement that we find someone who my wife would love and who would love her (THEN worry about whether she and I were compatible). After a few failed tries, we found her.
On the other hand, the advantage of finding a sister-wife who is looking for a family is you have someone who (at least marginally) understands what she may be getting herself into.
She won't, of course, neither will you till you live it, but at least you won't be subjected to the "you're all aliens!" look ;-)

3. It is perfectly Ok for you to decide this is not for you, after all is said and done. If he then leaves you over that, then you definitely made the right decision.
It is also Ok to say "no for now", until you are in a better place.

4. YOU ARE TOTALLY RIGHT ABOUT CONCENTRATING ON YOUR BABY FIRST!

5. There will be jealousy. Both ways between sister-wives at first. In fact, on occasion the husband might even be jealous of the rapport between sister-wives. Yep. Granted, that latter is relatively petty, but people aren't perfect. It is a huge topic, and usually the "elephant in the room" in many discussions. Look for dialog from successful families who discuss this frankly. I can tell you that it gets much better over time, but can still rear it's head upon occasion.

6. After prayer and learning what you can, and even with online community support, in some areas you will be on your own. Even more so than monogamy, Christian plural family dynamics are unique per family. Yes there are common principles. There are also individual circumstances, the same as monogamous marriage, but compounded. Everything it seems is compounded in poly. Greater sorrow and greater joy. Both are amplified. When it goes right, its beautiful. When it goes wrong, it's horrible. After a decade, we have experienced both. But we are still together and still love one another, if that is encouraging in any way.

Your husband needs to have the spiritual and emotional maturity to realize the consequences of his actions. If he bullies you into this, then first of all he robs you of the chance of discovering that it might be something you would actually love. Secondly, he will have do deal with the consequences to his own conscience in years that follow. Men have the innate imperative to create, to be fruitful and multiply. Yes sex-drive is an obvious manifestation of this, but it isn't all there is to it.

Could you be happy in a plural family, that was Christ-centered? Absolutely. Could you be miserable? Quite possibly, if you "give in" before you are ready.
 
Total newbie here, but someone who A: loves Jesus B: loves women and C: has been studying plural marriage for decades - I want to agree wholeheartedly with the poster above me and add my own half a cent.

PM and/or Biblical submission or even “old fashioned roles” doesn’t mean that he gets to just decide that y’all are going to be a plural family and you need to just shut up and trust him. Marriage doesn’t work that way, especially not one that is supposed to be modeling Christ’s love for the church. Plural marriage doesn’t mean he gets to look at/lust after/have sex with anyone he fancies. It’s so much deeper. And it FULLY requires your consent. Whether you are a wife choosing to live under her husbands headship or not you are loved and created uniquely by the creator of the universe and you have value.

I feel like I am rambling. My main point is that BOTH of you need to choose to add another wife to your family, and it has to be for the right reasons. You are fully and completely allowed to say - no, slow down, I’m not ready. And, if you don’t completely believe this is God’s will or that HE is giving you faith to step out - than you should not give your husband the green light.

And from a practical standpoint - pregnancy is really hard on a body and a marriage. He needs to cherish you and focus on the family God has already given him before he seeks to add to it.

My half a cent. ;-)
 
SisOf9 said:
Total newbie here, but someone who A: loves Jesus B: loves women and C: has been studying plural marriage for decades - I want to agree wholeheartedly with the poster above me and add my own half a cent.
Click to expand...

I know you are new. Try not to let my disagreement scare you off. We disagree on lots of things here, and also I am just speaking for myself.

SisOf9 said:
PM and/or Biblical submission or even “old fashioned roles” doesn’t mean that he gets to just decide that y’all are going to be a plural family and you need to just shut up and trust him. Marriage doesn’t work that way, especially not one that is supposed to be modeling Christ’s love for the church.
Click to expand...

It is important to note that the model goes both ways. It is also modeling the Church's obedience to Christ.

SisOf9 said:
Plural marriage doesn’t mean he gets to look at/lust after/have sex with anyone he fancies.
Click to expand...

I can not imagine that there is anyone that I can not look at, but I agree generally with what you are saying here. Plural marriage certainly is not license to sin. That is why we call it Biblical marriage here, and I think everyone here agrees that being a Christian comes first over being plural by far.

SisOf9 said:
It’s so much deeper. And it FULLY requires your consent.
Click to expand...

I do not think I can agree with you here. Biblically speaking I do not see any mandatory consent rule. Did David ask any of his existing wives if he could marry Abigail? No. Further I do not even see any examples of voluntary consent. Are there any examples at all from the Bible where a man got consent from a first wife before marrying a second wife? Not to my knowledge.

And symbolically I do not think it makes sense either. Christian marriage is very different than secular marriage. We consent to Christ when we become a Christian and then after that it is obedience. “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." Obviously a cross is neither fun, nor convenient, nor safe. This is the relationship that Christian marriage is modeling.

It is a hard teaching, yes. It might make you have second thoughts about getting married, and who you might marry, yes. But even that mirrors the Christian experience where we are encouraged to count the cost.

Note: mandatory consent is very different than the idea that a husband would be wise to consider his first wife when thinking of adding a second.
 
cnystrom said:
Are there any examples at all from the Bible where a man got consent from a first wife before marrying a second wife? Not to my knowledge.
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We do have the wives of Abraham and Jacob giving additional wives to their husbands.
Many polygynists draw some (legalistic, imo) principles/rules from those stories.
 
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Asforme&myhouse said:
It doesn’t seem that in either of those cases the husband went to the wife for consent, the wives came to the husband offering. Big difference.
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I would see that as totally implied consent.
How can it not be seen as consent when the wives are being proactive in supplying additional wives?
 
SisOf9 said:
Total newbie here, but someone who A: loves Jesus B: loves women and C: has been studying plural marriage for decades - I want to agree wholeheartedly with the poster above me and add my own half a cent.

PM and/or Biblical submission or even “old fashioned roles” doesn’t mean that he gets to just decide that y’all are going to be a plural family and you need to just shut up and trust him. Marriage doesn’t work that way, especially not one that is supposed to be modeling Christ’s love for the church. Plural marriage doesn’t mean he gets to look at/lust after/have sex with anyone he fancies. It’s so much deeper. And it FULLY requires your consent. Whether you are a wife choosing to live under her husbands headship or not you are loved and created uniquely by the creator of the universe and you have value.

I feel like I am rambling. My main point is that BOTH of you need to choose to add another wife to your family, and it has to be for the right reasons. You are fully and completely allowed to say - no, slow down, I’m not ready. And, if you don’t completely believe this is God’s will or that HE is giving you faith to step out - than you should not give your husband the green light.

And from a practical standpoint - pregnancy is really hard on a body and a marriage. He needs to cherish you and focus on the family God has already given him before he seeks to add to it.

My half a cent. ;)
Click to expand...

This sounds a lot like what I have heard many pastors say. It goes something like this: “the Bible tells wives to submit to their husbands as unto the L-rd, that means if your husband isn’t being christlike enough you don’t have to submit”

no no no no no... that is not what is being said there. This is what it says:
Ephesians 5:22-24 KJV
[22] “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. [23] For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. [24] Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”

...IN EVERY THING.

I see no caveat that allows for a wife to not submit to her husband as long as he hasn’t reached christlike perfection. G-d is telling wives to submit. If a wife isn’t submitting to her husband she is disobeying G-d. Husbands have no obligation to ask for permission.

That being said, I agree 100% with @cnystrom

cnystrom said:
Note: mandatory consent is very different than the idea that a husband would be wise to consider his first wife when thinking of adding a second.
Click to expand...
 
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