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I just don't understand

sweetthing26

sweetthing26

Member
I just sometimes have a hard time understanding how my words get taken out of context. Okay so hubby and I had what I would call are first major disagreement. All I tried to say was that I wanted to have a nice peaceful day with him being home and no arguing and fighting and the like. Of course, He did not hear that and basically said that's life and it escalated to life not being about me.

I realize that life is not all about me. However, I never meant for my words to get taken out of control and for things to get like that. I enjoy the fact that he is home after working a long tiring week. Sometimes, it feels like no matter what I say it is wrong and I honestly sometimes just don't understand. I don't want to argue when he is home. I just want to be loving and caring and then when the snappy attitude comes out I get a little hurt and he just can't understand why I am hurt.

Guess I just need a place to vent.

Liz
 
Hi Liz,

Of course you need to vent, there is nothing wrong with a vent as long as you realise that as well as expressing your frustration in a non judgemental and supportive environment, you must also face the issue which caused you to feel frustrated in the first place.

Work makes you stressed, working long hours is also depressing and stressful (unless you totally love, love, love your job) it also means you are in danger of bringing that stress home. Is this an issue with sw also? Perhaps she has developed strategies to cope with this time of day? Have you confided in her? If you haven't perhaps you should, it could be that she just keeps a wide berth until he has fully unwound after a long day, or maybe she is so used to his snappiness it doesn't bother her? Whichever one it is, it is clear that you have a communication style mismatch which is upsetting for you. You need to talk this over, I wouldn't suggest doing this first thing when he comes home though, give him some space and let him come to you, at some point when he is more relaxed tell him that later you would like to speak to him and it is important, that way he is aware that something is bothering you and will not feel jumped on and surprised.
When you finally do get to speak to him, tell him that you sometimes feel he is snappy and irritable when he comes home from work, that is makes you sad because you are really happy to see him when he comes home and ask him whether you are doing something that bothers him and what you can do to help the situation if that happens to be the case.

You have to be prepared that he might not know, frankly some men suck at communication, whatever happens talk to your sw.

Good luck and regards,
B
 
Hi B,

We did talk and things are fine. I think he and I both needed to just have a little space to calm down in. Yes, the sw and I did talk and she has totally learned over the years how to find that space and let him calm before talking to him.

Also, yes it is a communication mismatch but it is a learning process and one that devolps over time.

Liz
 
I am glad to hear that Liz.
Best of luck to you all.

B
x
 
All people involved in relationships need to allow themselves to learn and grow. The first year of marriage is often called the "Honeymoon" phase. Everyone is still on their best behavior. But just like any job there is a training period. This is a time when the parties of the relationship are learning each other. In a year, you will probably know very well how to handle this situation. He will know how to handle you and you will know how to handle him. This is a time when you are all learning about each other. Take this opportunity to learn what sets him off and what smooths his ruffled feathers. Usually, if he sees that you are learning from your mistakes, he will make an extra effort to learn from his mistakes.

Women usually need to be the "better" person. I am not certain why, but the women are usually the most active in the "relationship" building stuff. I feel confident that you will grow into this marriage if you continue to try to put his needs first. That is what true love is, putting your loved ones needs and desires before your own.

SweetLissa
 
sweetlissa said:
Women usually need to be the "better" person. I am not certain why, but the women are usually the most active in the "relationship" building stuff. I feel confident that you will grow into this marriage if you continue to try to put his needs first. That is what true love is, putting your loved ones needs and desires before your own.

SweetLissa
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I don't mean to be disrespectful Lissa but I think that is the exact opposite of what true love is, when one person is taking all the time and the other/s are giving, this is what ends up being a relationship that is far removed from being mutually beneficial. True love is when all the partners recognise the individual needs of the others and act accordingly. ALL of the partners, not just the females.
This attitude IMHO leads to women losing touch with that they need in a relationship and men losing touch with what they NEED to DO. If you are not expressing your needs in the guise of being the 'better' person you do not encourage your partner to improve their own relationship skills. Bad habits and communication issues do not get resolved, leaving the woman/women to find increasingly escapist means of coping with a man who has the relationship skills of an earthworm.

Liz did the right thing by talking to both her husband and her sw and expressing her problem, not being the 'better' person, that just leads to bitterness and eventual frustration.

regards,
B
 
If each member of the family follows this prescription it is indeed true love. But each member can only be responsible for his or her own part. So my job is to put other's needs ahead of my own. My hubby's job is to put the needs of his wife(s) ahead of his own. I was not encouraging sweetthing26 that she was the only one who must give but that she needs to be willing to give and that each other member of the family must do likewise. But no one can demand that the others give, so it is upon each of us to determine that we are willing to give of ourselves.

My father told me on the day of my wedding that you are ready to be married when you are willing to give more than you receive for the rest of your life.
 
B

I think you misunderstood me. I was not criticizing sweetthing, but encouraging her and reminding her that in a year these things will seem to be very small because they will have all learned more about each other.

I would never suggest that a wife not express her needs to her husband. Only that she be sensitive to his needs at the same time. Each must be sensitive to each other's needs. Any woman can learn how to get what she wants from her husband, she just needs to learn him.

Did Jesus Christ worry about his needs when he died on the cross for our sins? Are we not told over and over throughout the scriptures that we are to "put on Christ" and to die to our selves daily?

There is no better example of true love than that of Jesus Christ who loved us so much that he died on the cross for our sins. And yes, he gave and gave and no one gave back to him, did they? He was abandoned by those he served and he still gave till the end.

There is much scripture that tells each of us that we are to put the needs of others before our own needs. Those scriptures do not say that we should do this only when our needs are met. They say to do it because the Lord tells us to. The Lord says "If you love me obey me" Not "if you love me obey me as I take care of your needs."

Php 2:3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.

SweetLissa
 
sweetlissa said:
B

I think you misunderstood me. I was not criticizing sweetthing, but encouraging her and reminding her that in a year these things will seem to be very small because they will have all learned more about each other.

SweetLissa
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Hi Lissa,

No, I did not think you were being critical of Liz, I just don't approve (personally) of the reactive, passive aggressive form of female relationship conditioning which I believe helps continue a cycle of bad communication skills in general. I am quite certain you only had Liz's best interest at heart and I hope you did not think I was getting at you personally.

take care,
B
 
Hi Liz,

I want to share a secret with you. Men are such different creatures. They don't think the same as us. You are so young but you will learn this. When your man comes home, be content to simply BE WITH him. Don't try to talk to him and if you do, say what you need to say and only that. Don't say something else and expect him to know that you meant something entirely different! :D Men don't get it! I know that you adore him and he is the absolute center of your world right now. He loves you and adores you too, but you are not the center of his world (unless you are naked). He is designed to go out and conquer the world and care for you and protect you. You are designed to be his helpmate. His love for you is not less than your love for him, but your ways of showing it are worlds apart.

The beautiful thing about Poly is that you have a sister wife with whom you can form that deep emotional bond with! Your hubby won't figure out what you need emotionally until he reaches at least forty and sometimes not even then. Appreciate him and respect him. Simply be with him and flatter him often. He will have times when you two can spent hours talking and emotionally bonding but most of the time you will simply irritate him with your efforts of getting "closer".

All will be well Liz. Just remember that he is a guy and you are a gal. Respect him, appreciate him, and take care of him.
 
Thanks Ladies for all of your encouraging words. Well I am not passive aggressive in the slightest and I also am very opinionated and am very passionate and hot-headed at times and so sometimes I need space before I open my mouth and say something out of anger or just out of pure frustration. Venting with my sisterwife is a huge advantage and she has been with him for 8 yrs and so they share a history and she can make suggestions of what she would do if she were me.

He is already 40. LOL. So, I guess it is honestly, the fact of getting to know me the same way that he does my sister wife. They have had time to figure each other out and also to understand one another and the moods that they each have. I am very opinionated where she is more quite and thinks about what is going on and I talk. I am a talker so I guess I do need to pick what I should say sometimes a little more carefully.

This is a learning process all the way around and that's the reality of it all. I have to realize that he is also adjusting to a new woman with a totally different set of ideas and dreams and wants and needs. PM is not easy and it is not for everyone BUT for those of us whom are living it I guess we all face adjustments and we have to deal with it.

Liz
 
B

Was Jesus "passive-aggressive?" Neither am I. I get my needs addressed, but I do it in a way that is God and husband honoring. At least I try to. I won't say that I couldn't improve in it.

SweetLissa
 
sweetlissa said:
B

Was Jesus "passive-aggressive?" Neither am I. I get my needs addressed, but I do it in a way that is God and husband honoring. At least I try to. I won't say that I couldn't improve in it.

SweetLissa
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I am sorry SweetLissa, I can't answer that, I really don't know. But I am glad to hear that you get your needs met.

kind regards,

B
 
sweetthing26 said:
Thanks Ladies for all of your encouraging words. Well I am not passive aggressive in the slightest and I also am very opinionated and am very passionate and hot-headed at times <snip>

Liz
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Haha, Liz I relate, I am hot headed also. I think you are on the right track and will be fine. :D

Good luck,
B
x
 
I'm not currently in a poly relationship, but we belief in it and am working to be Biblical submissive in my marriage. It is not easy retraining your brain to think like this, but I can say that I'm seeing positive results. Liz, I think the balance is not losing your self in the process of putting your husband first. Although I love my husband and daughter, I don't count on them to make my happy twenty-four seven. They are human and will disappoint just like I do to them not meaning too. I use to be very hot headed, too.
 
lutherangirl said:
I'm not currently in a poly relationship, but we belief in it and am working to be Biblical submissive in my marriage. It is not easy retraining your brain to think like this, but I can say that I'm seeing positive results. Liz, I think the balance is not losing your self in the process of putting your husband first. Although I love my husband and daughter, I don't count on them to make my happy twenty-four seven. They are human and will disappoint just like I do to them not meaning too. I use to be very hot headed, too.
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Oh I totally agree and you are so very right about not relying on Hubby or sister wife to make me happy 24/7 because the reality is that no one can do that.

Liz
 
I liked what you shared here Sweetlissa, and agree with your perspective. While this method works best when each one is doing it, sometimes one has to lead the way... the 'better' person. The best love is true sacrificial love, and when a person finally learns to be sacrificial in their love, irregardless of whether it is returned, it is something so valuable and precious that it is well worth the cost of learning it. It's a reward all by itself, and very freeing.

I don't see it as promoting lack of communication, unless there is already a communication problem. That is caused by selfishness, which sacrificial love either heals or brings to the light so that it can be dealt with.

Everyone was helpful here in their own way, and I think it's good to share the different ways of dealing with an issue so they're all laid out on the table. What you brought out Sweetlissa, has both succeeded and failed in my life. It had to do with the responsiveness of the other person. Still, I have had such success with it, that I wouldn't trade it for anything. I think, as you were saying, that Christ would agree.
 
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