I don't know if it's alright to just begin by posting here, or if it would be appropriate to post an introduction first. Since I assume much of my information will come out here anyway, I suppose this is alright. My wife just posted a few days ago in the ladies only section (calling herself 'Elaine'), and one of the ladies in her response said that she thought it might be a good idea for her to ask me to seek out some advice from the men of the forum (and of course the ladies are free to offer up whatever wisdom they might have as well). I think that would be fine, but for two things.
First, my wife and I are not the type to seek out other's voices and talk things through with people other than one another. I saw her need to do that in this case, and encouraged her to put her thoughts out there in a place where they would be understood, but now it's come back to bite me by robbing me of any excuse to not do the same.
And second, I really don't know what to ask. I don't have any questions just off the top of my head. And there's really a lot that I feel is still too personal to post in a public forum like this.
So what I will do is put down what is going on in our lives, and hopefully a question will come up naturally, or one of you will see a place in the story where advice is needed. I don't want to be too specific with details, to protect all involved, but I'll give as much as I can.
My wife and I have been married over a decade now, with three kids under the age of 9, and are now entering our early thirties. I would say we have a very happy marriage (if when she reads this I see her roll her eyes, I'll know I am mistaken). Things have been hard financially and otherwise at times, but our relationship has always been a bright spot in our lives. This past spring, I was going to make a surprise purchase for her and found what I was looking for in an online ad. The woman from the ad and I began emailing back and forth a bit, as their was some planning involved for the purchase. She seemed like a very intelligent and kind woman, and we began talking about our families and other things. At some point, she asked me why I loved my wife so much. That was the beginning of our talking becoming very personal. When it finally came time to meet for our original purposes, I knew that our relationship had become something else altogether. It was soon after this that I swallowed my extreme fear and sat down with my wife to tell her everything.
We have talked about plural marriage before, but not in the sense of actually being involved! Neither one of us were hung up on the idea of it being sinful, but my wife is very much against sharing her husband. She has been very hurt at the mere suggestion that I could feel as strongly about anyone else as I do her. The insinuation of a future physical relationship can throw her into a rage! But she honestly wants to trust that I am following God's lead in what I do. So the competing motivations in her heart are at constant war, and it's making her crazy.
The woman I met, who I'm sure will read this and I hope doesn't mind if I call her "Nelle", is actually not available at this time. I know that sounds strange, and I won't go into detail because of the very personal nature of the situation she is in, but believe me when I say this is not your normal case of marriage/divorce/remarriage or anything like that. My wife at first was looking for any and all reasons that might disqualify her from marrying me, but even she agrees that Nelle's situation (once resolved) is not a concern in that regard. She has four children, one living part-time out of the home, and three younger ones of similar age to ours. She is in total agreement with the idea of plural marriage (I'm sure she'll let me know if "total" is the right word there). Neither one of us would have considered such a thing only a few months ago, but things have certainly changed. Her greatest concern is my wife, and the turmoil she has been in since I told her what was going on. We have no idea what a living arrangement would look like, what our kids would think, how it would affect our lives in the community, or anything else about the practical concerns of polygamy. Although we have all looked into it a lot over the last few months, actually living it will be a whole other story.
My greatest concern is that I am following God's will. I am risking so much by even talking about this subject, and no man in his right mind should have ever broached the idea to his loving, happy wife! I have told her that I will not force her into anything, but rather I am relying on her grace if she will decide to release me from my vow to 'forsake all others'. After a lot of talking (and a little screaming and crying) last night, she did that in a way that I can believe she really meant it. Just to be sure, I have told her that if she is really convicted, she will still feel the same way in one week. So in one week I will ask her again. Where we will go from there, I don't know.
But what if I am wrong? I don't believe I am. Nelle believes it is the right thing to do. Elaine has been beside herself because she thinks this really might be God's will. But what if I'm wrong? It's such a risk. I believe that if this is God's will, that he can help calm my wife's heart and help her find joy in what he plans for her. But I have to know that these are really His plans and not my own! Our two families met recently, and Nelle and Elaine seemed to get along well. It was a little awkward, but that was to be expected. I just want to be sure that I am doing the right thing for all of us.
First, my wife and I are not the type to seek out other's voices and talk things through with people other than one another. I saw her need to do that in this case, and encouraged her to put her thoughts out there in a place where they would be understood, but now it's come back to bite me by robbing me of any excuse to not do the same.
And second, I really don't know what to ask. I don't have any questions just off the top of my head. And there's really a lot that I feel is still too personal to post in a public forum like this.
So what I will do is put down what is going on in our lives, and hopefully a question will come up naturally, or one of you will see a place in the story where advice is needed. I don't want to be too specific with details, to protect all involved, but I'll give as much as I can.
My wife and I have been married over a decade now, with three kids under the age of 9, and are now entering our early thirties. I would say we have a very happy marriage (if when she reads this I see her roll her eyes, I'll know I am mistaken). Things have been hard financially and otherwise at times, but our relationship has always been a bright spot in our lives. This past spring, I was going to make a surprise purchase for her and found what I was looking for in an online ad. The woman from the ad and I began emailing back and forth a bit, as their was some planning involved for the purchase. She seemed like a very intelligent and kind woman, and we began talking about our families and other things. At some point, she asked me why I loved my wife so much. That was the beginning of our talking becoming very personal. When it finally came time to meet for our original purposes, I knew that our relationship had become something else altogether. It was soon after this that I swallowed my extreme fear and sat down with my wife to tell her everything.
We have talked about plural marriage before, but not in the sense of actually being involved! Neither one of us were hung up on the idea of it being sinful, but my wife is very much against sharing her husband. She has been very hurt at the mere suggestion that I could feel as strongly about anyone else as I do her. The insinuation of a future physical relationship can throw her into a rage! But she honestly wants to trust that I am following God's lead in what I do. So the competing motivations in her heart are at constant war, and it's making her crazy.
The woman I met, who I'm sure will read this and I hope doesn't mind if I call her "Nelle", is actually not available at this time. I know that sounds strange, and I won't go into detail because of the very personal nature of the situation she is in, but believe me when I say this is not your normal case of marriage/divorce/remarriage or anything like that. My wife at first was looking for any and all reasons that might disqualify her from marrying me, but even she agrees that Nelle's situation (once resolved) is not a concern in that regard. She has four children, one living part-time out of the home, and three younger ones of similar age to ours. She is in total agreement with the idea of plural marriage (I'm sure she'll let me know if "total" is the right word there). Neither one of us would have considered such a thing only a few months ago, but things have certainly changed. Her greatest concern is my wife, and the turmoil she has been in since I told her what was going on. We have no idea what a living arrangement would look like, what our kids would think, how it would affect our lives in the community, or anything else about the practical concerns of polygamy. Although we have all looked into it a lot over the last few months, actually living it will be a whole other story.
My greatest concern is that I am following God's will. I am risking so much by even talking about this subject, and no man in his right mind should have ever broached the idea to his loving, happy wife! I have told her that I will not force her into anything, but rather I am relying on her grace if she will decide to release me from my vow to 'forsake all others'. After a lot of talking (and a little screaming and crying) last night, she did that in a way that I can believe she really meant it. Just to be sure, I have told her that if she is really convicted, she will still feel the same way in one week. So in one week I will ask her again. Where we will go from there, I don't know.
But what if I am wrong? I don't believe I am. Nelle believes it is the right thing to do. Elaine has been beside herself because she thinks this really might be God's will. But what if I'm wrong? It's such a risk. I believe that if this is God's will, that he can help calm my wife's heart and help her find joy in what he plans for her. But I have to know that these are really His plans and not my own! Our two families met recently, and Nelle and Elaine seemed to get along well. It was a little awkward, but that was to be expected. I just want to be sure that I am doing the right thing for all of us.
