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Mating in Captivity

andrew

andrew

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In another thread, a question came up re whether men 'need' or 'crave' sexual variety of the kind that can only be accommodated by having access to multiple women.

Wanted to recommend this book: Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. For a short intro to the subject, the author, and the book, watch the TED talk: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship.

The short version is: "How can you want what you already have?" In English, the word "want" actually has a dual meaning--on the one hand you "desire" something, on the other, you "lack" it. So the trick question is built into the vocabulary, so to speak.

A question worth considering.

And word to the wise: If anybody thinks that plural marriage can work as a cure for sexual boredom, you are not the lover you think you are....
 
Disclaimer: I don't agree with everything in Perel's book. I don't agree with everything you think, either, and you don't agree with everything I think. Meanwhile, the book is not dangerous, and you'll easily figure out which (few) parts contradict bible teaching. She raises some provocative points, however, and her cultural observations (for example, re today's college students) are worth taking seriously. It's worth a read.
 
andrew said:
The short version is: "How can you want what you already have?"
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I don't see how the average man hoping to become poly one day has the sexual diversity already? In the past my husband said that even if I was the most pretty model-like looking woman he still would have in his heart that drive to add another female being into his "harem"

Also I think it's remarkable that on the other thread you were the only one disagreeing that as far as you are concerned the lion can live without meat as someone else put it ....
 
In my understanding, God did not create all men to be polygamous, or even to desire it. Some He created entirely without libido, or with enough willpower to not require the use of a female.

Some (Ready) He created to be monogamous (Aim) because Elders and Deacons are supposed to be that way (FIRE!!!)

And others He created to be able to accommodate more than one woman, desire being a part of that ability.


So I think there is confusion even among the lions because some are actually vegetarians. And some could never live that way, so it could never be so easy as to lump us all in together.
 
Most of this has to do with testosterone levels, which vary with both men and women and vary over time/age. But all men are capable of self-discipline.

I don't buy the lion/meat analogy; it is being misapplied in this scenario. It's not a matter of having sex v. giving up sex. It's a matter of being content with one woman (we are told that godliness with contentment is great gain) v. trying to justify polygamy by arguing that you 'need' to have more than one woman.

We're talking about quantity v. quality. Focus on quality and the quantity will adjust itself to the right level. Focus on quantity and all I can say is good luck with that....
 
Thanks for referencing back the previous thread, I am not quite sure how to successfully search on this platform...

On a separate note, he would not argue that he "needs" to but that he can as per the Bible and yet staying within the Biblical guidelines hence he is going for it. But obviously only time will show how things turn out long term...
 
Thanks for the book recommendations @andrew. I listened to the TED talk yesterday, as well as another of her TED talks, and I bought the audio book as well. Hopefully it will provide some good listening over the next few days with 12 hours or so of driving ahead of me. :)
 
The lion thing is just funny, everyone can self control if they choose themselves to.
When they are cohersed to, things are not lasting.
Hormones do make it easier or harder when it comes to physical intimacy controls.
Some men are not interested in the work and energy it takes to have one, much less more than one. They feel is too much dramma.
Others are in it for more companionship and help. All that varies..
With me is a combination but the older I get, companionship and seeing the mutual help dynamic is more interesting.
More frienships and cooperation.
As we age, we loose testosterone, we usually get more laid back. Eventually things start to malfunction and prefer to eat healthy while being less physical. Lol
When we are young, hormones are harder to control for most.
I have teens and definetely see that from the older perspective.
 
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I imagine for some guys poly is mostly about the sex. For others it's about the children, multiplying and care of. For others I imagine it's more about the companionship and growing old together or the additional income.

None of these are wrong! That's the beauty of how God set it up.

For me, I kind of prefer a balanced approach mostly based on the woman's goals for the union but subject to certain parameters or boundaries.
 
Ture, none are wrong and usually change while growing old together. Is nice to be with the closest friends and companions.
I have friends who can't see why we would want more complexity in lofe and family.
I wonder.. What do we do when T levels drop?
I wonder if many think about it..
 
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Verifyveritas76 said:
I imagine for some guys poly is mostly about the sex. For others it's about the children, multiplying and care of. For others I imagine it's more about the companionship and growing old together or the additional income.
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I think my heart (assuming I actually have one) is leaning towards care for unmanned females. Sheep need shepherds and there are so few shepherds that can see beyond their own desires.
 
ZecAustin said:
Can it be a little about the sex?
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You crack me up.... :p

To me, marrying an additional wife because you want sex makes about as much sense as marrying one wife because you want sex. "I'm horny, so I think I'll go find a woman and swear to God and my community to protect and provide for her for the rest of my life. Then I'll be happy because I can have (more) sex with a clear conscience." Seems legit.... ;)
 
Verifyveritas76 said:
Yep. Tru dat. I wonder how many shepherds enter this lifestyle with the perspective of how can I serve Him best by helping her most.
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There seems to be a significant direct correlation between that attitude and long-term success with this lifestyle.
 
andrew said:
You crack me up.... :p

To me, marrying an additional wife because you want sex makes about as much sense as marrying one wife because you want sex. "I'm horny, so I think I'll go find a woman and swear to God and my community to protect and provide for her for the rest of my life. Then I'll be happy because I can have (more) sex with a clear conscience." Seems legit.... ;)
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From Christ's example, serving others is more constructive, self serving more destructive like cancer feeding. That applies to life relationships. If a people keep choosing the shallow short term, they will have a shallow life, later will feel miserable. Sewing and reaping.
I don't know why people think it must be all about sex. Both men and women have these deeper choices.
 
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