Well - it depends on whether in reality she is ALWAYS getting her way, YOU are “being selfish”, or if it lies somewhere in the middle. Unfortunately we are not close enough to the situation to know which it is. And you, your SW and your husband are all too close to the situation to see it objectively. That makes it difficult to answer, but maybe if I ask you some questions it will help give you some clarity to go forward.
CountryGal said:
I am wife number 2. I love my husband very much but he makes differences in his first wife and me.
You are different people. You bring different personalities, skills and gifts to the table. Of course he treats you differently. That is the way it is supposed to be. If you are going to live your life comparing your life to hers, you will always be miserable. Even if he gave you everything she wanted/needed it would not meet your wants/needs and you would still be miserable. I cannot think of anything worse than to be treated equally. I am a different person and need to be loved, listened to and cared for as the unique person that I am. If that comes in a different form then great, it makes me feel special.
If you are stood there saying – no – I have to have the same. Then my answer is that your expectations are unrealistic and you need to do some work on you and what gives you worth and validation. Realistically he cannot be everything to all people all the time, so if you love him, give him a break too.
So take some time to stop and think about just that one point. But don’t respond to me – respond to yourself. Are you on the “equal and fair” bandwagon or have you evolved past that point? Are you still measuring the quality of your relationship with your husband against the quality of their relationship, or have you realized that they will always be very different from each other? How much of your energy is spent on improving what you have with him and how much of your energy is spent on counting what you don’t have or what she does have?
CountryGal said:
I feel like I always take a back seat to her and that her wants, wishes, and feelings are always more important than mine., Is this a normal way to feel?
Yes and no it is a normal way to feel.
So I hate to talk about “winning” and “losing” because the ultimate goal should be that everyone wins, but I don’t know how else to express the issues without there being “winners” and “losers” on each point negotiated.
On any of the given issues somebody has to give. If you don't count your "wins" and only count your "losses" then you are going to feel that she ALWAYS gets her way. Please pause for a second and really think about that. Does she ALWAYS get her way? Can you think of ANY instances where you get your way? If you can honestly answer that question with the fact that really, anytime there is an issue it ALWAYS goes her way then maybe you have a valid grievance. If you answer the question that you got your way on this issue, but that does not count because it was a really minor thing, or it was something she really didn’t care about so it doesn’t matter, then maybe you guys need to work on the communication skills of how you express your needs. Again on any given issue somebody has to give. Are you both standing your ground on every single issue? If I were to ask your sisterwife to write out a list of things she had compromised on and given ground on would she be able to come up with some things or would she stand there open mouthed, get defensive and then deflect away from the issues?
Also, is it possible that you are each "winning" on things you don't care about and "losing" on things that you do care about? If you try to fight every single point you will win things you don’t care about, on the other hand if you concede every single point then the other person says “my win did not count because she didn’t care about that anyway” and when you do want something and stand up for yourself then the other person has become so accustomed to getting her way that she won’t even recognize how much she dominates.
CountryGal said:
How do I make him understand my feelings because he tells me that I am being selfish.
Stop comparing. Tell him what needs you have that are not being met. It does not matter what she is getting that you are not and it does not matter what she wants/needs. Right now all he is hearing is you complaining about the comparison. Stop comparing. Start talking about what you need from him and how that can be accomplished (preferably without hurting or impacting her).
As for calling you selfish that is really not helping no matter what the truth is.
If he truly believes you are getting your way too much then he needs to have that conversation in a clear and loving way with you and help you see why your perspective is skewed. He needs to help you see that things are not as bleak as you perceive them to be.
On the other hand if on a gut level he knows that you are being treated as a second class citizen, then he is calling you selfish to put you in your place and shut you up rather than stand up and correct the situation.
Either way – calling you selfish is not helping!
I want to share some of my story with you. My SW is no longer around to give her perspective. so keep in mind that in all things poly there is her side, her side, his side and then the truth. This is my perspective
So to answer the question for me:
Did she ALWAYS get her way? yes.
Did she ever give ground on any issue - even things that were nothing to do with her? no.
For example she felt free to tell me what brand of juice I was permitted to purchase with my money for my daughter to drink. I am talking about someone who had extreme control issues.
When I finally decided something had to change, something had to be done, I waited for a very minor and trivial nothing to pop up. Something I knew I could afford to “lose”. The issue was the appropriate place to dry the dishes. I did the dishes. She wanted me to do them her way. I was doing laundry at the time and she came in and explained the correct way to do the dishes. I said “oh ok. Actually the reason I do it this way is…” and continued on with the laundry. I did not tell her no, I did not tell her I would not do it her way, I did not get angry. I just gave her an alternative thing to think about. She was so upset that she spent the next 2 weeks working herself into a frenzy about it. When it finally came to a head, I calmly asked her to name one thing that was done my way. She was completely speechless. So I apologized for putting her on the spot and asked her to think about it and get back to me. She said that was her example: I was trying to control her by telling her when to get back to me.
She was so upset that she kicked me out. Confronting the situation basically ended the relationship. We all know how that usually goes. The second wife gets kicked out and gets the blame. I was VERY fortunate that my husband stood by me. He spent the next 7 months trying to manage both households and going back and forth. When she finally realized that she was not going to dictate MY relationship she kicked him out and they divorced last month. This is not what we planned. This is not how my husband and I wanted things to turn out. It is tragic that rather than fix things about herself and really grow, it was easier to run away.
So – was it good to stand up for myself? Yes of course, because it could not continue the way it was.
Was it worth the price? I believe so. God will continue to work on my SW and I think she needs to get to a point in life where she has nobody surrounding her that she can blame but herself.
Do I recommend you do it? I cannot answer that question. How much integrity does your husband have? Can you be sure he will stand by you if the going gets rough? Are you prepared to risk it all? Because that might be what you are risking.
