Past Memories

[julieb]

I have so enjoyed the new facebook page, Sisters at Heart! I take my hat off to Irishprincess for starting it. Though I have to say I am a bit jealous that our Ladies Only forum is pretty slow these days compared to this new facebook page. :mrgreen: So I am going to cheat and steal something from Sisters at Heart and post it here! :evil:

Someone posted about being jealous/sad about having to listen to past memories of DH and SW. You know, going to the same vacation place they had been to before, doing some activity that is new for you but old for them, or even talking of old friends and experiences that happened before you joined the family. Or you might be a first wife and always wanted to go to this certain place or restuarant, and the hubby takes your SW instead!

Why do these things bother us? Should they bother us? I am always interested in the motive for my feelings. I probably am this way because most of my youth and young adulthood was spent not having many boundaries for my emotions. So, when plural marriage came to my life and feelings were abounding I had to out of necessity examine my emotional motives, and hopefully then, use them in a more godly manner.

So, my question is to you all, should we as plural families "hide" that we had a past life becasue "someone" might get "hurt" if we talk about it? Is this a Biblcial mindset for our family? What is the balance that you have or have not found that works for your family?

And for those not in plural families, how do you think you will handle this subject?

With hope for the future!

 

[Anonymous]

, my question is to you all, should we as plural families "hide" that we had a past life becasue "someone" might get "hurt" if we talk about it?

No we shouldn't hide.
The history that the first wife has had with the husband should not be looked upon as something that needs to or should be hidden. I guess I'm left wondering why a 2nd wife would feel "hurt" if hubby or the 1st wife reminisced about a fond memory they shared? I would think that if the 2nd wife really did feel "hurt" by this, she is probably feeling some insecurities. I believe it is those insecurities that need to be dealt with and changed. Hubby and 1st wife should not have to perpetually walk on egg shells in respect to their conversations.
(This also applies if the situation is reversed and the 1st wife feels hurt over not being included in something that hubby and the 2nd wife shared together.)

 

[Debra]

Ok so heres my thought on this... I am very new in a pleural marriage, but I do not think I or any other fw should have to hide memories or experiences, of course we have them, it is life. First of all the memories cannot be changed and if sw is truly committed and has true love there, she will know there are obviously going to be memories and who would expect anything different. Now on the same hand I feel like they can be talked about but should not be used in a negative manner, as in purposely trying to make sw jealous. For me the harder part that does cause some jealousies is when dh does something for sw that he has purposely not done for me. As an example if he takes her to a restaurant that I have not been to that is fine, I am not going to be jealous, however if it is a restaurant I have asked to go to and he denied me and then takes her YUP Im upset!~ This is why I say dh needs to make the difference, he needs to use good judgement and be fair about it. If he is thoughtful and handles things right it really doesn't have to be an issue.
ALSO please give me a link to the new sisters at heart page...I can't seem to find it!! Thanks!

 

[WomanSeekingGod]

So, my question is to you all, should we as plural families "hide" that we had a past life becasue "someone" might get "hurt" if we talk about it? Is this a Biblcial mindset for our family? What is the balance that you have or have not found that works for your family?

I don't think we should hide.

That said, those memories shouldn't be used as a weapon.

Ever been out with new friends and one of them is obviously unhappy with your arrival? They share wonderful stories about days gone by and end it with that lovely comment, "Oh, well, I guess you'd have to be there to get it." or "You wouldn't understand, you weren't there." That use of the memories can cause all sorts of hurts.

On the upside, though, those memories can be a way of bringing in the "new arrival". Including her in your happy memories by sharing them in such a way that encourages her to want to make new ones with you. Or by making it clear that you're looking forward to making even better memories now that she's joined the family.

The Biblical mindset should be to love others like our selves. Would we want to have those memories shared like that to ourselves? If yes, then you're doing it right!

Currently, we share bits and pieces of our memories with the lovely lady my husband is currently courting. Sometimes she asks, and sometimes we just offer it out there. Always it's in a lighthearted manner. Thus far she has seemed pleased by it. She has yet to object or mention any feelings of uncomfortableness, and she's the sort who would speak her mind if she did (love that about her!).

WomanSeekingGod

 

[Anonymous]

That said, those memories shouldn't be used as a weapon.

I totally concur!

 

[Tali]

Tried for quite awhile to find Sisters at Heart on fb, too. Found a rock band, a retail outlet, other stuff. Any suggestions? :geek:

 

[Growing4Him]

I can not wait to share so many memories with my new sister. We don't have one yet but are praying for one soon. I also can't wait to listen to all the new memories that she and our husband as they create them. It is exciting to hear fun, crazy and maybe not so good things happening to everyone including my self. So much to share, so much to laugh at and so much to keep in our hearts. What a life we will have. My marriage is so wonderful and with their new memories, it will only add to all of ours. I pray this will happen before much longer. All of this is in God's time and I am praying. I welcome all memories. Let them begin!