PM family structure.

[Christopher Huggins]

I'm wondering what the family structure of a pliral marriage family looks like? I know that the husband is the head of the family, but is there a "pecking order" to the wives, or how does that all work? I may be getting ahead of myself, however i am a purveyor of knowledge in just about all things.

 

[steve]

I don’t accept any pecking order, but with differing personalities, skill sets, and time in theater, it can be a full-time job avoiding it.

 

[FollowingHim]

Generally speaking, wives are equals. Both are equally married to the one husband. Any inequality is going to simply cause tension that could destroy the family.

However, this differs between cultures. In scripture we see for instance that Abraham's first wife Sarah was in authority over his second wife Hagar - she was a lower-status wife, a concubine. But that didn't exactly work out well, which shows the danger in such an arrangement. So it's possible - but not recommended. Also, you'd have an even harder time finding a second wife who was willing to actually marry you in those circumstances!

Scripture just says you must not reduce the conditions of the first wife when taking a second. In practice that's going to mean the first wife can't be put under the authority of the second, but it doesn't rule out the second being subject to the first.

It's worth pointing out that although scripture does not give any rule that wives must be equal, other religions add laws to that effect. The Quran for instance mandates that Muslim men must treat their wives completely equally. We are not bound to that in any way - but it serves to illustrate that others recognise a practical need for fair and equal treatment of wives, and shows the arrangement that has worked practically for centuries for untold thousands of Islamic families. It's good, time-tested advice, even though not mandatory for us.

 

[Verifyveritas76]

My lightbulb moment with this was understanding the Five Fold Ministry structure. Ian McCormack does a pretty good job of highlighting that they are all equally ranked positions and that there is only one head.

IMO, anyone presenting this as promoting a hierarchy of any kind doesnt truly understand it and has an agenda for doing so.

 

[frederick]

I'm wondering what the family structure of a pliral marriage family looks like? I know that the husband is the head of the family, but is there a "pecking order" to the wives, or how does that all work? I may be getting ahead of myself, however i am a purveyor of knowledge in just about all things.

Every family will be different in how things work practically and it might depend upon the number of wives a man has. One thing I've put in place is not referring to my wives as "First" and "Second" wives. They are equally my wives; different skills and abilities working in different ways but equals in their relationship with me. I'll update you if I have more wives.

 

[rockfox]

Generally speaking, wives are equals. Both are equally married to the one husband. Any inequality is going to simply cause tension that could destroy the family.

However, this differs between cultures. In scripture we see for instance that Abraham's first wife Sarah was in authority over his second wife Hagar - she was a lower-status wife, a concubine. But that didn't exactly work out well, which shows the danger in such an arrangement. So it's possible - but not recommended. Also, you'd have an even harder time finding a second wife who was willing to actually marry you in those circumstances!

Scripture just says you must not reduce the conditions of the first wife when taking a second. In practice that's going to mean the first wife can't be put under the authority of the second, but it doesn't rule out the second being subject to the first.

It's worth pointing out that although scripture does not give any rule that wives must be equal, other religions add laws to that effect. The Quran for instance mandates that Muslim men must treat their wives completely equally. We are not bound to that in any way - but it serves to illustrate that others recognise a practical need for fair and equal treatment of wives, and shows the arrangement that has worked practically for centuries for untold thousands of Islamic families. It's good, time-tested advice, even though not mandatory for us.

In Ancient Mesopotamia there was a hierarchy between the wives. This may have been a consequence though of slaves being taken as wives. But it did work for them well enough to be instantiated in the law. The same is probably true in any of the harem cultures as well. I just say that to buttress Samuel's point; not saying it would work will in our cultural context. It's not like we auction off the women for marriage as they did.

 

[cnystrom]

I know that the husband is the head of the family, but is there a "pecking order" to the wives, or how does that all work?

I believe it is widely thought in polygamy circles that having a pecking order is a very bad idea, and one of the husbands main jobs when having more than one wife is to prevent any wives from thinking there is a pecking order.

 

[cnystrom]

One thing I've put in place is not referring to my wives as "First" and "Second" wives.

It depends on what you mean. Unless you marry them both at the same time, you are going to have a first and second wife chronologically, obviously. The important thing is to not let your chronology turn into a pecking order.

 

[rockfox]

@steve @cnystrom

Let's say one wife is good at interior design and one wife is good at cooking; is it ok to put each in charge of such matters over the other?

If you have a house full of wives and kids and servants at some point it become imperative to put one in charge just to keep the chaos organized would it not?

 

[steve]

@steve @cnystrom

Let's say one wife is good at interior design and one wife is good at cooking; is it ok to put each in charge of such matters over the other?

If you have a house full of wives and kids and servants at some point it become imperative to put one in charge just to keep the chaos organized would it not?

You organize in a way that takes advantage of their strengths and preferences and flows together as a team.
Not so much firm divisions of labor like you would in the military because you are dealing with beings that are more nurturing oriented than structure oriented.

 

[cnystrom]

@steve @cnystrom

Let's say one wife is good at interior design and one wife is good at cooking; is it ok to put each in charge of such matters over the other?

First of all, I like Steve's answer.

My answer would be that it depends. Does the wife who is good at interior design like to cook, or want to cook, too? If so why should she not get a turn, just because the other wife is better at it? Or would she prefer that the other wife take on all of the cooking duties?

The important thing is to be on the same side and to work together as a team.

If you have a house full of wives and kids and servants at some point it become imperative to put one in charge just to keep the chaos organized would it not?

You are the one in charge.

 

[rockfox]

You are the one in charge.

Naturally, but is it wrong or unwise to say, delegate authority of the cooking to one wife?

Or would she prefer that the other wife take on all of the cooking duties?

This isn't a wife and 2 kids kind of situation but large families; not 1 person doing it all, but a situation where both are involved in it to some degree and somebody needs to make decisions and direct the kitchen and Dad has more pressing things to do than riding herd over the kitchen. Cooking for large groups is not a 1 person job.

 

[cnystrom]

Naturally, but is it wrong or unwise to say, delegate authority of the cooking to one wife?

This isn't a wife and 2 kids kind of situation but large families; not 1 person doing it all, but a situation where both are involved in it to some degree and somebody needs to make decisions and direct the kitchen and Dad has more pressing things to do than riding herd over the kitchen. Cooking for large groups is not a 1 person job.

It is not a moral question. There is no right or wrong answer in that sense.

It is a leadership question and the right or wrong answer in that sense depends on the family dynamics.

 

[Sonshine]

The way our family looks at these things is that we’re all here to contribute. Isaac will often give us a list of things he wants done. It doesn’t matter WHO does it, as long as it gets done. The kids are older, so they do a lot of chores too.
If one of us (wives) prefers a job, the other is more than happy to let the other do it. If one of us hates a job, the other will gladly take it on. When one of us is all done with our jobs, we’ll immediately ask the other if she needs help. It’s what we’re trying to teach our kids to do.

Sparkles is REALLY great at organizing. So when Isaac mentions something needs organizing, I kind of just assume he wants her to do it—unless she can’t for some reason.
I do the homeschooling because I’ve been doing it for so long... but, Sparkles would step in in a heartbeat if I needed her to.

It’s really very simple. We’re all adults.

And there is absolutely no hierarchy between us. I’m the “first wife” in timeline only.
In fact, I get comments from (monogamous) wives quite frequently about how I should be “top dog” or something to that extent... And, I get to tell them every time that the only “top dog” is the husband.

 

[cnystrom]

The way our family looks at these things is that we’re all here to contribute. Isaac will often give us a list of things he wants done. It doesn’t matter WHO does it, as long as it gets done. The kids are older, so they do a lot of chores too.
If one of us (wives) prefers a job, the other is more than happy to let the other do it. If one of us hates a job, the other will gladly take it on. When one of us is all done with our jobs, we’ll immediately ask the other if she needs help. It’s what we’re trying to teach our kids to do.

Sparkles is REALLY great at organizing. So when Isaac mentions something needs organizing, I kind of just assume he wants her to do it—unless she can’t for some reason.
I do the homeschooling because I’ve been doing it for so long... but, Sparkles would step in in a heartbeat if I needed her to.

It’s really very simple. We’re all adults.

And there is absolutely no hierarchy between us. I’m the “first wife” in timeline only.
In fact, I get comments from (monogamous) wives quite frequently about how I should be “top dog” or something to that extent... And, I get to tell them every time that the only “top dog” is the husband.

Perfect! This is exactly the kind of dynamic that I was trying to describe that I believe will lead to success. Great job!

 

[Edward]

I get to tell them every time that the only “top dog” is the husband.

It is refreshing to hear another wife say this, because sometimes I think " do I have the only wife who says, ask him he is the man of the house".

 

[rockfox]

In fact, I get comments from (monogamous) wives quite frequently about how I should be “top dog” or something to that extent... And, I get to tell them every time that the only “top dog” is the husband.

And truthfully I think that's what many are really getting at, as they themselves are 'top dog' in the marriage.

 

[Christopher Huggins]

Thank y'all for your responses. It gives me new insight and a better understanding of things myself that I can pass on to my wife should she have questions.

 

[Verifyveritas76]

The way our family looks at these things is that we’re all here to contribute. Isaac will often give us a list of things he wants done. It doesn’t matter WHO does it, as long as it gets done. The kids are older, so they do a lot of chores too.
If one of us (wives) prefers a job, the other is more than happy to let the other do it. If one of us hates a job, the other will gladly take it on. When one of us is all done with our jobs, we’ll immediately ask the other if she needs help. It’s what we’re trying to teach our kids to do.

Sparkles is REALLY great at organizing. So when Isaac mentions something needs organizing, I kind of just assume he wants her to do it—unless she can’t for some reason.
I do the homeschooling because I’ve been doing it for so long... but, Sparkles would step in in a heartbeat if I needed her to.

It’s really very simple. We’re all adults.

And there is absolutely no hierarchy between us. I’m the “first wife” in timeline only.
In fact, I get comments from (monogamous) wives quite frequently about how I should be “top dog” or something to that extent... And, I get to tell them every time that the only “top dog” is the husband.

This post is golden!!!

 

[cnystrom]

This post is golden!!!

Where did that Hall of Fame thread go?!?