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Poly Blues

WifeOfHisYouth

WifeOfHisYouth

Seasoned Member
Real Person
Female
I know that wives have ups and downs in the journey of learning to accept plural. The roller coaster can be overwhelming and depressing.

What is the verse that you go to when you are in need of encouragement during times of poly blues?
 
Well I can't say I use these specifically against poly blues, but I go to these verses for whatever trial I am going through. Helps to remind me I'll see the goodness of the Lord while I am still alive.

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
Psalms 27:13,14
 
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of a good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things Phil. 4:8
I grew up worrying about everything. I overthink things, it wasn’t until pm come into our life that I realized the things I dwell on fed anxiety and depression. So, something that has helped is this- if this thought isn’t true, pure, lovely or of a good report why am I thinking it?
Am I feeding my depression? Am I feeding a fear? Am I making a monster out of ???
Ask yourself what are you thinking on? What can you do to bring a bit of joy to someone’s life? You can control what you continue to dwell on. What you continue to dwell on can control you- as in your feeling, and attitude. It’s easy to stay sad, mad or hurt- it takes a lot of work to get up and get over a fed feeling.
Enjoy and praise GOD today for today. Kiss your man like today may be your last kiss you ever get to be blessed with. Hug your babies like there’s no tomorrow.
Feelings often follow action.
Also Psalms 37:4-5, naw, just read the whole chapter.
You know, Jesus often got away from the crowd- do you need to get on your face before Him and pour your heart out to the One who created, loves and knows you???
I KNOW depression is real, sometimes healing comes in the valleys of the shadow of death. The death of an idealist mono marriage is a freaking dark valley. DON’T stop moving.
He will be the light unto your path, if you ask. Again, do you need to spend some time before him? Is there something He’s asked of you but you don’t see how or what good could come out of it? Sometimes depression can be brought on by a lack of control or communication. Don’t forget- hormones are a possible trigger. You can help yourself there too.
Have some conversation with your husband and your God.
 
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Well loved wife said:
The death of an idealist mono marriage is a freaking dark valley.
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That is such a tough one. I will be doing great with it for awhile then BAM satan hits me with the whole “if only you were enough he wouldn’t want or need another.” It sends me into a tailspin of questioning if he loves me, wants me and what my worth is. (Which he is good at reminding me of all of those.) I know where the doubts come from, it’s just hard at times to overcome it with plural on the back burner simmering away at times. I wish I had gal friends close by that understand this.

It’s almost like I have to re-live that death over and over.
 
WifeOfHisYouth said:
That is such a tough one. I will be doing great with it for awhile then BAM satan hits me with the whole “if only you were enough he wouldn’t want or need another.” It sends me into a tailspin of questioning if he loves me, wants me and what my worth is. (Which he is good at reminding me of all of those.) I know where the doubts come from, it’s just hard at times to overcome it with plural on the back burner simmering away at times. I wish I had gal friends close by that understand this.

It’s almost like I have to re-live that death over and over.
Click to expand...
I just watched the video tonight on the thread rethinking infidelity posted by @Well loved wife. That woman pointed out how with the modern fantasy of the monogamist ideal many believe that each partner in the marriage is to be everything to the other.
It might help you see the sunlight in that dark valley to realise that God didn't put that un-realistic modern expectation on women....of trying to be everything to your hubby, and feeling like a failure if the man has a desire for another wife. Try to keep in mind that other wife you fear will show up and change your life for the worse....one, may never show....and two, even if she did she and she WAS better then you at something ...that might be a good thing.... and three, even if that did happen it wouldnt take a single thing away from who and what you are!

I like John 16:33 These things I have spoken unto you that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.

We can overcome the modern thinking that causes us to see things warped and twisted, that makes us being hubby's "one and only everything-in-one worshipped and adored wife" a requirement to us feeling validated and worthy of being called his wife. :)
 
WifeOfHisYouth said:
That is such a tough one. I will be doing great with it for awhile then BAM satan hits me with the whole “if only you were enough he wouldn’t want or need another.” It sends me into a tailspin of questioning if he loves me, wants me and what my worth is. (Which he is good at reminding me of all of those.) I know where the doubts come from, it’s just hard at times to overcome it with plural on the back burner simmering away at times. I wish I had gal friends close by that understand this.

It’s almost like I have to re-live that death over and over.
Click to expand...

I feel like this at times as well. Some days I do great and while hubby has had some communication with a few gals there always seems to be something that gets said or revealed, often not anything that even needs worried about, but I start having insecurities all over again.
I actually had my hubby read the thread about first wife syndrome and that helped him to help me talk myself through some of the issues that come up.

@Well loved wife I like the idea of only thinking good, pure and honest thoughts. If only it was a little easier to remember at all times.
 
WifeOfHisYouth said:
That is such a tough one. I will be doing great with it for awhile then BAM satan hits me with the whole “if only you were enough he wouldn’t want or need another.” It sends me into a tailspin of questioning if he loves me, wants me and what my worth is.

It’s almost like I have to re-live that death over and over.
Click to expand...
I know there are phases to accepting PM. I’m still going through them, and we don’t live it so I’m sure there’s going to be more valleys. Uggh! But why go through the same valley over and over?
It’s okay to look back on them, but to choose to go back and walk in that valley again-WHY do we do that? There may be an underlying issue that you just need to hash out with yourself and your husband, not necessarily to relive it over and over. Break the whole thing down.
We women should do what Eve didn’t and smack Satan in the mouth and tell him to shut up!! DON’T listen to lies! Speak truth when a lie is spoken. Here’s the other thing- our life is COMPLETE in only HIM. Not our husbands. We’re told our husband is our soul mate, our one true love, LIE!!!! What cultural lie needs to be counteracted with TRUTH?

We were worth His life, He loved us so much He gave himself for YOU, me and everyone that will accept that gift. Be to Him what He created you to be- a precious jewel, a productive member of His body. Then we can fulfill our role heartily as to the LORD, your husband will be helped how you can help him.
When we consider the woman our husband might be interested in - consider her soul, as well as God’s love for her. Pray for everyone God brings or may bring into your life. Also, consider it may be the woman needs you, your husband and your family unit. I do know the feeling of not being enough and I still ask why, I still need my husband’s help in going forward.
When we lost our son I told a lady I felt like I was reliving his death over and over, I couldn’t sleep without it playing yet again in my mind. She told me- let it come and every time it does, praise Him, and pray for comfort. She also told me, when you accept his death and that God has a plan and a purpose in his life and death, and let God be God, then you will see his lamp on the path in this valley, He will lead you on. You will always hurt, reliving it is natural and healthy for a time, but only for a time. Get up and live. Cry when you must, but live. His death will be a painful chapter in our life but should not be the focus.
It is hard, I don’t want to live it. I still feel sad, but I’m learning not to sit there, I don’t want to waste my energy on reliving the pain either, I become unproductive and self focused so easily. What good am I then? If someone is better then you at something, be grateful, praise them. Don’t go to self pity!!! Heck, they may be better at cleaning the bathroom or cooking-yeah me! I get good food and a cleaner bathroom. I know that’s petty-but so much of our imagination is.:rolleyes:
 
WifeOfHisYouth said:
It sends me into a tailspin of questioning if he loves me, wants me and what my worth is.
Click to expand...

I can't say with enough emphasis how true this is for me, as well. My aversion to polygamy has never really been about matriarchy or some culturally-ingrained feminism (as some may believe). It's been about not believing that it meant death to my worth. Not my worth to God, but my worth to my husband.
I know how God views me. He's holy. Perfect. He won't ever compare me to someone and use it as a measuring stick to how I should be. Well, no one besides Jesus. :)
But, that's different than being my husband's only and then him having another woman (whom I view as better in so many areas) and comparing me to her and now realizing how badly I fail. How "bad" he's had it for the past 14+ years. How now he's got the woman he really wants and can really make him happy.
For me, this whole issue has come down to trusting my husband. Because he tells me how much I'm worth to him. He tells me how he can love us both and love different things about us both without having a "favorite".
But, I'm ashamed to admit I still have trouble trusting him when he says that.

Joleneakamama said:
It might help you see the sunlight in that dark valley to realise that God didn't put that un-realistic modern expectation on women....of trying to be everything to your hubby, and feeling like a failure if the man has a desire for another wife. Try to keep in mind that other wife you fear will show up and change your life for the worse....one, may never show....and two, even if she did she and she WAS better then you at something ...that might be a good thing....
Click to expand...

This is the most difficult thing for me to grasp. That she is better than me... And now wondering, "what does that mean for me and my marriage? Do I just have to get used to being his least favorite for the rest of our lives?"

Joleneakamama said:
We can overcome the modern thinking that causes us to see things warped and twisted, that makes us being hubby's "one and only everything-in-one worshipped and adored wife" a requirement to us feeling validated and worthy of being called his wife.
Click to expand...

Oh, that I could get to this place. My husband and sw have been married almost a year now. And, while things have gotten remarkably more clear for me, I still struggle with this. How am I still worthy of being called his wife?

Well loved wife said:
But why go through the same valley over and over?
It’s okay to look back on them, but to choose to go back and walk in that valley again-WHY do we do that? There may be an underlying issue that you just need to hash out with yourself and your husband, not necessarily to relive it over and over. Break the whole thing down.
Click to expand...

This has been our most difficult issue. That my lack of trust keeps popping up again and again. After he addresses it, I'm supposed to take him at his word. But, naturally, I look for things to prove that he wasn't being honest. Doesn't mean he wasn't, though. Just means that I look at things through my emotions nine out of ten times. :)

@Well loved wife , LOVE your post! So many wonderful points. :)
 
WifeOfHisYouth said:
What is the verse that you go to when you are in need of encouragement during times of poly blues?
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I tend to look for all the verses about focusing on God. Because I've learned that when I'm overly-focused on how sad I am or worried about whether or not my husband still loves me, I'm not looking in the right direction.

One of my favorites,
Hebrews 3:1 “Therefore, holy brothers, partners in a heavenly calling, keep your focus on Jesus, the apostle and high priest of our confession.”
 
WifeOfHisYouth said:
What is the verse that you go to when you are in need of encouragement during times of poly blues?
Click to expand...
I don't have one. Perhaps I'm doing this the wrong way, but I don't tend to turn to the bible at those times. Instead I'll spend some time examining my thoughts. I'll do my best to figure out if they're from Satan or a real reaction to a real concern. Then I'll either pray about it, or I'll go to Samuel, and I would say that 90% of the time I go to Samuel first. Once I've got my thoughts in order I can sit down and have a productive conversation with him and tell him I'm feeling like this because of this and I need prayer / your thoughts / a solution. Sometimes I just need him to tell me warm fuzzies, lol, and sometimes he'll tell me that yes it's probably going to be an issue and we'll have to deal with it at the time etc. He's nothing if not honest my man!
 
@WifeOfHisYouth I will be praying for you. I totally get it. You are wonderful, and I know you got this. And you are loved by your Hubby and by the Lord of all creation.

I just listened to a message today called Lifes's Bitter Pools by Derek Prince and he was saying that whenever God brings us to bitter pools, just as He did the Children of Israel - it's because we have more growing to do and to take comfort in that God is bringing us the trial for a reason. We can't avoid the trial but can choose how we react. I was very touched by the message because I've had a struggle the last day or so with anger, bitterness and resentment - stemming from feeling rejected and not good enough. Listening to this message really did help. And helped me refocus on God and ask for forgiveness, and I told the Lord I forgave the person who had hurt me. And then I went out of my way to do good for that person - and it's amazing. I feel pretty good about it. Slumberfreeze was helping someone recently who was having a hard time forgiving her husband, and his advice was for her to do something for her husband that cost her something. And she did and she was relieved. That man is such a blessing and a help to me, I followed that advice and was relieved as well. Anyways, sorry I may have gone astray. But if any of this sounds like something to how you are feeling, then I really suggest listening to those teachings. :)
 
Y'all are such amazing, strong, godly women. Absolutely beautiful. No wonder that old devil wants to get at us.
Well loved wife said:
We women should do what Eve didn’t and smack Satan in the mouth and tell him to shut up!! DON’T listen to lies! Speak truth when a lie is spoken. Here’s the other thing- our life is COMPLETE in only HIM. Not our husbands. We’re told our husband is our soul mate, our one true love, LIE!!!! What cultural lie needs to be counteracted with TRUTH?
Click to expand...
WLW, you are such a motivator! It's like reading a poly version of Carman's "Satan, Bite the Dust."

Virtual hugs all around!!! And I'm not even a "hugger"... ;)
 
"The Lord your God is with you always. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17).
 
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