Raise your voice

[StudentMom]

Hello all,
This is too cool. I'm still doing research, but I just learned from my APA style guide that I can cite personal communications in my paper.

You all can have a say.

In referencing anything shared on this forum, your proper names do not have to be used. Just the forum address, your screen name, 'personal communication', and a date.

I'm just too excited about this.

Ok, here are my questions. Feel free to answer anything, to add any information you deem relevant, etc.

1. Name 5 advantages to a polygynous marriage (more if you can/want to)
2. Name 5 disadvantages to a polygynous marriage (more if you can/want to)
3. Whose responsibility is it to provide for the family?
4. Who 'owns' the marriage bed (makes decisions about sex, how much, with whom, when, etc.)?
5. What are five roles of a husband?
6. What are five roles of a wife?
7. How do co-wives interact?
8. How is your household set up? (Separate residences for individual co-wives, one big house, some other arrangement, etc.)
9. Do you wish polygynous marriage was legal in America?
10. Do you ever face persecution or discrimination because of your lifestyle? If so, what form does it take?
11. What are some false stereotypes of polygyny?

I don't expect one person to answer all of these questions, but as my husband says "If you're feeling froggy, jump for it!"

I'll post my paper on the forum when it's done, if you want to read it.

Peace!

 

[welltan]

Welcome to the forum. I am sure you will probably get some responses.

 

[PolyPride]

9. Do you wish polygynous marriage was legal in America?

I'd say yes. Some people may object to it from a theological standpoint saying that the government should not be in the business of marriage, but the thing is they already are in some ways. To those who are worried about the marriage license, well if polygamy was made legal, who says you'd need a license? Monogamous marriages are legal and you don't need a license to get married, so why would you be required to get one to be considered married in a polygamous marriage if polygamy was made legal? The most important thing that I see making polygamy legal is that polygamy could then be practiced freely and without criminal implications whereas decriminalization does not necessarily guarantee that as much as legalization, at least. The women and kids who suffer abuse at the hands of men, will be more willing to come forward to report abuse because they won't have to worry about being prosecuted themselves or have their kids and family broken up for engaging in an illegal practice. That would then sure help take away the cloud of fear and secrecy over polygamous sects (FLDS) which are likely the main ones that are giving polygamy a bad name.

Even this very website that this forum is linked to agrees that the government should play some role in marriage although I'm sure the issue will be just how much:

Marriage should not be regulated by the State. When two are in love and wish to marry, no human should decide whether or not they are allowed to go forth with their plans. To the most, they [the State government] should set an age for girls and boys unto which they can not get married prior to. Perhaps 18 years of age. And if more, perhaps laws prohibiting forceful marriage or requiring the wife to know and accept polygamy before her husband takes another wife. Those laws are only for the protection of the innocent. Why regulate the rest of the components of marriage? Regulating the rest is only a form of control, which is gaining critics in today's world.

Link: http://biblicalfamilies.org/commonmisc -> then click on, section iX - Obey Government Authorities

 

[jay c]

Since I have only ever had one wife, many of my answers are based on theory and outside observations only.

1. Name 5 advantages to a polygynous marriage (more if you can/want to)

1. Religion and faith tend to be more attractive to women than men. Polygyny allows all believing women to have husbands without disobeying God.
2. Men can be real fathers for children who have been abandoned by their genetic fathers.
3. Economies of scale. It takes a lot more resources to get started, but the division of labor among adults and older children could be a great economic boon.
4. Men and women who pull it off in a hostile culture will experience tremendous personal growth.
5. Companionship

2. Name 5 disadvantages to a polygynous marriage (more if you can/want to)

1. The complexities of relationships in a polygynous household increase exponentially with each new member.
2. The hostile surrounding culture can make life very difficult. You have to be careful what you say to whom and what you do in public.
3. The legal system is stacked against you. One phone call from a disgruntled wife could put you in prison and make your children orphans and your wives widows.
4. It can be very expensive, especially when children are young.
5. ?

3. Whose responsibility is it to provide for the family?

A husband must provide his wife with food, clothing, and at least an attempt at children. It doesn't have to be great food or fancy clothes, but the bare necessities are his responsibilities. Of course, a Proverbs 31 woman is a good steward of her husband's resources. She will make the best of them and add to them through her own efforts.

4. Who 'owns' the marriage bed (makes decisions about sex, how much, with whom, when, etc.)?

5. What are five roles of a husband?

1. Spiritual covering.
2. Spiritual teacher.
3. President, CEO, commander, and peacemaker.
4. Protector.
5. Provider.

6. What are five roles of a wife?

7. How do co-wives interact?

8. How is your household set up? (Separate residences for individual co-wives, one big house, some other arrangement, etc.)

9. Do you wish polygynous marriage was legal in America?

It already is, depending on how you look at it.

10. Do you ever face persecution or discrimination because of your lifestyle? If so, what form does it take?

11. What are some false stereotypes of polygyny?

1. It's all about sex.
2. It's slavery.
3. It's old men trading young girls with each other.
I've spent time with more than a few polygynous families, and I've never seen any of that.

 

[seekHim1]

1. Name 5 advantages to a polygynous marriage (more if you can/want to)
-I have to second the companionship. As a homemaker, it is so nice to have a companion while hubby is at work all day. And I just love the companionship between the three of us as a whole..hubby, SW and me. It is a lot of fun; her presence brings about a wonderful new dynamic.
-The help: Having 3 adults makes the workload a ton lighter
-More opportunities: The adults have more opportunities when there are small children in the picture. In our case, we don't live near family and have moved often so it's been hard to get to know people well enough to trust them to watch our children. Personally, I have a desire to go on a mission trip but thought that wouldn't be feasible for another 10 years. Now, I might go in the next year.
-Accountability: Having SW around has helped me be more conscious of how I speak to hubby, children, and just evaluate myself as a whole. I don't act differently for show, but it just helps me meditate more on what I'm like and work to be a better person.
-This lifestyle provides even more daily opportunities to be Christ-like and put others before yourself.
-It has huge economic benefits. Hubby caring for SW will save the government/taxpayers footing the bill for yet another single mother and her children along with it saving her all the money of living on her own and having to provide for herself.

2. Name 5 disadvantages to a polygynous marriage (more if you can/want to)
-The hostility from the culture especially from "Christians." I feel really bad for SW that others will not acknowledge their marriage as legitimate and I do not look forward to the public's perception if/when she would have his children. If the culture wouldn't be so hostile about it, I would be totally fine.
-I miss the spontaneity of intimacy and affection with hubby. I would be more affectionate and prefer more intimate time with him, but b/c I'm considerate of SW, I have laid off a lot. I think as we both (SW and I) get used to it, that will change and will no longer be a disadvantage. It's still early for us and she and I are just so concerned about the other. Eventually, our love for each other should help us be less sensitive when the other wants to show hubby love in whatever form or vice versa.

*I'm sitting here trying to think of other disadvantages, but really, they all have to do with the culture's view of it. And any other disadvantages I would have said before all had to do with my own selfishness. I think it is a good thing to get over that selfishness and those romantic notions of "I want my husband all to myself and he can love me and only me." Once you realize your husband can in fact love you more than ever while loving someone else, all those perceived "disadvantages" dissolve. I'm learning that the benefits outweigh any uncomfortable aspects of this lifestyle.

3. Whose responsibility is it to provide for the family? Hubby

4. Who 'owns' the marriage bed (makes decisions about sex, how much, with whom, when, etc.)? Hubby makes the ultimate decision but he is good about considering our feelings and being fair.

5. What are five roles of a husband?

6. What are five roles of a wife?

7. How do co-wives interact? My SW and I act like best friends...but better. We work together on housework, meal planning, childcare, etc. so we discuss those things and are helpful of each other...like one cooks, the other does the dishes or just helps wherever needed with each other's children. We spend the days talking about all kinds of stuff whether it be sharing tidbits of "Did you know this about me..." or discussing spiritual issues or silly girly stuff. We put our make up on and do our hair together in preparing for hubby to come home from work. I gave her a manicure the other night. Best of all, we laugh a lot. I was the one who was most uncomfortable with things in the beginning, but now I'm getting to where I joke about the very things that used to freak me out. We're just very open and free with each other and try to be a team. It's the relationship I always wanted with another woman but never had.

8. How is your household set up? (Separate residences for individual co-wives, one big house, some other arrangement, etc.) We live together and I can't imagine it any other way.

9. Do you wish polygynous marriage was legal in America? I think I'm in the camp that would like it decriminalized but I don't really care about having the government endorse it. If I would do it over again, I wouldn't have the government endorse our monogamous marriage either.

10. Do you ever face persecution or discrimination because of your lifestyle? If so, what form does it take? It's early for us so we haven't been confronted with that at this point.

11. What are some false stereotypes of polygyny? I will expand on two already mentioned to provide more insight.

I have to touch on the "it's all about sex" stereotype. Since SW came on the scene, it's been so different for hubby in that it is really about SW and me. I think it is more pressure for him to have to divvy up his time in that department and make sure he is fair. That is the focus rather than him getting what he wants. And I can vouch he didn't want another wife for that reason since that aspect of our relationship was far from lacking.

As far as being enslaved as a woman, I could leave if I wanted. I am still young and very independent by nature and do not stay in this marriage b/c I have no other options. I have a college degree and could support myself if I so chose. I stay because I love the LORD, hubby, SW, my children and her children. Even though I may have fought against it in the beginning, I see it is best and even God's will for me This lifestyle is about a pure love and wanting what's best for everyone...for each other and all the children involved.

 

[Mark C]

1. Name 5 advantages to a polygynous marriage.

I second some of the excellent comments above from Jay and sH1. I would add that when those involved "do all for the Glory of YHVH", I cannot imagine a more loving and blessed relationship - in literally every way.

2. Name 5 disadvantages to a polygynous marriage (more if you can/want to)

Satan hates it. Expect him to spend his effort to attack those things that are the greatest threat to him.

5. What are five roles of a husband?

They all ultimately just boil down to one:
To cover his house, in accord with the Word.

There's a lot more Written about the roles of both husbands and wives (Prov. 31 is a great summary, obviously, and more than five; Song of Songs is wonderful, and so on, but lists always seem to fall short, IMO).

Our Savior encapsulated all of the torah in the "Greatest Commandment" very well; to "love your wives as He loves us" seems to be a pretty good summary of what "covering" means.

8. How is your household set up? (Separate residences for individual co-wives, one big house, some other arrangement, etc.)

We've had various arrangements over time. My own experience tends to show that for each wife to have her own kitchen is a blessing.

9. Do you wish polygynous marriage was legal in America?

Not in the least. Look what licensing did to State-Blessed Marriage -- so far!

[Others have made the proper point. If one was to think that the First Amendment still applied in Amerika, it literally cannot be made "illegal". The correct answer is for the State to honor its own Supreme Law, not to mention the Bible, and quit persecuting the Free Exercise of faith in our Creator. But just wait until you see what happens now that Free Speech is illegal, too. Soon people will ask things like, "do you wish Bible teaching was legal in Amerika?"]

10. Do you ever face persecution or discrimination because of your lifestyle? If so, what form does it take?

Perhaps surprisingly, more from self-proclaimed "Christians" than most others. Those who can't be bothered to read the Bible for themselves ("God couldn't POSSIBLY have meant THAT") but know what it has to say anyway are invariably the worst.

11. What are some false stereotypes of polygyny?

I'd say that "it's only about sex" no doubt tops the list. But "God's Preferred Plan is Monogamy" is perhaps an even bigger lie.