Jealousy, comparison, insecurities...
I feel as if I, literally, have these monsters at my back. Clawing at me. But at the same time telling me how justified I am in the anger they bring out. The hatred.
That's what I've realized, you see. My relationship with my husband is suffering because of my feelings of jealousy, my comparisons, and my insecurities. At this point I couldn't tell you all how to get rid of them. How to remove the fiends and become stronger and more resilient. I wish there was some kind of repellent. Because, of course, if I manage to get rid of one, it's not long before it comes right back--almost stronger than it was before. I think once they realize how easily they can claim a hold on me, their tenacity to overcome just intensifies.
Of course these "monsters" should be defined as what they really are. Sin. Plain and simple polygamy has brought out the sin in my heart. It's led me to a place where I can't just survive on keeping the sin at bay. I have to fight it off daily by being on the offense. And it's been made aware to me, in this fight, just how weak I am.
Why did God choose me to fight this fight? I'm so weak. I have so many insecurities, I always have. I've always thought myself the lowest of the low. Why would God bring about a situation in which my sin just convinces me that I was right? That I'm not even enough to keep a man. I'm not enough to satisfy a husband.
The world has told me that I must be pathetic for this. I must be doing something wrong. Even the church has said this. As a wife, I must not have upheld the exemplary standards that make a "Proverbs 31" wife. I've heard it before, directed at others, "She must not have been doing her duty by him..." "No man who's being 'taken care of' would ever stray."
Not only am I having to fight off the ideas of the world and the church and what they hold dear, but I have to detox myself into realizing that (as a dear friend said earlier) I don't own my husband.
I don't own my husband.
I have no right to be angry.
I have no right to be hateful.
He's not doing anything wrong.
Guys, I don't feel this. Not one OUNCE of me agrees with any of these statements. But, they are truth. And the truth really hurts sometimes. But, "So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, 'If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.'”
John 8: 31-32.
The truth is all I have right now. Because that's how I can fight off these monsters. That's how I cope with feeling like a failure. The truth is how I believe (over time) that I have no reason to be angry, jealous, bitter, or insecure.
I can't say that this will be won tomorrow or the next day. But, I can say that I'm going to do my best to choose truth every day. And when I fail, and the monsters grab on stronger, I know I have grace. And hopefully a whole army of people who don't mind praying for this sinner.
I feel as if I, literally, have these monsters at my back. Clawing at me. But at the same time telling me how justified I am in the anger they bring out. The hatred.
That's what I've realized, you see. My relationship with my husband is suffering because of my feelings of jealousy, my comparisons, and my insecurities. At this point I couldn't tell you all how to get rid of them. How to remove the fiends and become stronger and more resilient. I wish there was some kind of repellent. Because, of course, if I manage to get rid of one, it's not long before it comes right back--almost stronger than it was before. I think once they realize how easily they can claim a hold on me, their tenacity to overcome just intensifies.
Of course these "monsters" should be defined as what they really are. Sin. Plain and simple polygamy has brought out the sin in my heart. It's led me to a place where I can't just survive on keeping the sin at bay. I have to fight it off daily by being on the offense. And it's been made aware to me, in this fight, just how weak I am.
Why did God choose me to fight this fight? I'm so weak. I have so many insecurities, I always have. I've always thought myself the lowest of the low. Why would God bring about a situation in which my sin just convinces me that I was right? That I'm not even enough to keep a man. I'm not enough to satisfy a husband.
The world has told me that I must be pathetic for this. I must be doing something wrong. Even the church has said this. As a wife, I must not have upheld the exemplary standards that make a "Proverbs 31" wife. I've heard it before, directed at others, "She must not have been doing her duty by him..." "No man who's being 'taken care of' would ever stray."
Not only am I having to fight off the ideas of the world and the church and what they hold dear, but I have to detox myself into realizing that (as a dear friend said earlier) I don't own my husband.
I don't own my husband.
I have no right to be angry.
I have no right to be hateful.
He's not doing anything wrong.
Guys, I don't feel this. Not one OUNCE of me agrees with any of these statements. But, they are truth. And the truth really hurts sometimes. But, "So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, 'If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.'”
John 8: 31-32.
The truth is all I have right now. Because that's how I can fight off these monsters. That's how I cope with feeling like a failure. The truth is how I believe (over time) that I have no reason to be angry, jealous, bitter, or insecure.
I can't say that this will be won tomorrow or the next day. But, I can say that I'm going to do my best to choose truth every day. And when I fail, and the monsters grab on stronger, I know I have grace. And hopefully a whole army of people who don't mind praying for this sinner.
