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Shared interests pushback

paterfamilias

paterfamilias

Seasoned Member
Real Person
Male
I had initially intended to post this question in the men only area but I decided that was a bad idea as woman may have seen this behavior as well or perhaps behave in the way I will describe and can explain it to me.

The question is, have you seen or can you explain this behavior so that I can understand the point behind it?

Know another plig online. Has 4 wives and is working on two more. Call him ambitious if you will. Anyway, he has mentioned and one of his wives has overtly complained by way of confirmation of the claim, that when other people in the marriage show interest in shows or hobbies or styles or songs that this wife like, she will abandon these interests.

I don't get it. I can see wanting your own space and territory within a crowded house and can see saying I really don't want to share this activity but I not sure how to read this behavior. The guy and one of the wives I have talked to don't have an explanation but they certainly have frustration about it.
 
Don't have answers for you, but for what it's worth, this is exactly the kind of behavior I exhibited with my younger brother growing up. We were close in years and fought a lot. It may be a competition thing or motivated by hate, but I'm no psychologist.
 
I remember years ago I was at a training college There was another young man my age there and he was very successful at most things he did. He wanted to be the best at everything and seemed not to be content unless he was dominating you at something. I’m a contented person and just ignored him. But he kept trying to be better than me at everything I did. It became tiresome and after a while annoyed me to the point that whenever he would try to compete I would quietly stop what I was doing and go and do something else.
I wanted to be myself without being less than or being told I wasn’t quite doing it right.
I like being in my own space, being me, not being compared or having to compete.
somethings are nice to not have to share
 
Being that there are already four wives in the family and they're looking to add more, I imagine she is seeking something that sets her apart from the others. What the reason for this is, we can't say because we're not involved in the marriage. It could be any number of things; if it's concerning to the husband, then he should speak to her; she may be feeling insecure in the marriage.
 
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theleastofthese said:
It could be any number of things; if it's concerning the husband, then he should speak to her; she may be feeling insecure in the marriage.
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I agree it could be motivated by a few things, but most I can think of are all based in some variety of being afraid or controlling. The husband would be wise to poke that bear and see what comes from it. She is robbing herself of truly being a part of the family, in my opinion. There is a reason she doesn't embrace the interaction.
 
In my very limited experience, shared interest are great and give you common ground to connect on. My sisterwife and I also have some things we are each proficient at that so far we just let the other do. I bake bread and she makes soap, and so far neither seem terribly interested in learning the other skill. I make cheese, and she doesn't even like to eat cheese.....but we both like knitting! :)

I agree something is off if someone abandons something they were interested in, when someone else wants to learn or get involved.
 
Joleneakamama said:
In my very limited experience, shared interest are great and give you common ground to connect on.
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Exactly.
Little and large, the things you do and have done whether for fun or work or just life routine...they all make ones personal context.
To my mind, whether mono or plig, the more of your partners context you can know and share the better.
 
paterfamilias said:
I had initially intended to post this question in the men only area but I decided that was a bad idea as woman may have seen this behavior as well or perhaps behave in the way I will describe and can explain it to me.

The question is, have you seen or can you explain this behavior so that I can understand the point behind it?

Know another plig online. Has 4 wives and is working on two more. Call him ambitious if you will. Anyway, he has mentioned and one of his wives has overtly complained by way of confirmation of the claim, that when other people in the marriage show interest in shows or hobbies or styles or songs that this wife like, she will abandon these interests.

I don't get it. I can see wanting your own space and territory within a crowded house and can see saying I really don't want to share this activity but I not sure how to read this behavior. The guy and one of the wives I have talked to don't have an explanation but they certainly have frustration about it.
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MrB said:
I remember years ago I was at a training college There was another young man my age there and he was very successful at most things he did. He wanted to be the best at everything and seemed not to be content unless he was dominating you at something. I’m a contented person and just ignored him. But he kept trying to be better than me at everything I did. It became tiresome and after a while annoyed me to the point that whenever he would try to compete I would quietly stop what I was doing and go and do something else.
I wanted to be myself without being less than or being told I wasn’t quite doing it right.
I like being in my own space, being me, not being compared or having to compete.
somethings are nice to not have to share
Click to expand...
I suspect that the best answers you're going to get to your query, @paterfamilias, are limited by the fact that they're projections of the writers onto the world surrounding them, but the one from @MrB resonates with me. I'm a highly social being who has simultaneously been more of an observer than a participant in life while operating as the 1st-born black sheep smartest-motherfucker-in-every-room except when I met the two Spocks, but, having said all that, I, first of all, don't believe what you're observing in this woman has anything whatsoever with her gender/sex. This tendency has consistently annoyed me (my own weakness), but it's a tendency that manifests itself in the music industry as turning on the hip for being hip. Everyone deep down wants to be hip -- a combo of smart, wise, cool and on the cutting edge. The only way to maintain this drive, though, is to turn on those one converts to a particular trend. The band one originally slavishly worshipped and promoted suddenly becomes "sell-outs" because they become popular. The band is really just improving, but what was something individual adherents almost considered personal property becomes too big to share. Not everyone feels this impulse, but for those who do, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Obsession is a badge of honor when most people don't really yet appreciate what you're obsessing about, but what propelled the obsession was the need to be out on the edge, not to be surrounded by fellow adherents.

The same can be applied to someone losing interest in a former passion. It made them feel unique, worthy of elevated respect. That passion, however, was ever intended to produce comfortable popularity.

So a new passion must be created -- one that others will eventually also pursue -- but by then the passion creator will have moved on to a new passion.

This is perhaps why we notice this more often when it happens with females -- because it's less common among them.
 
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NVIII said:
Don't have answers for you, but for what it's worth, this is exactly the kind of behavior I exhibited with my younger brother growing up. We were close in years and fought a lot. It may be a competition thing or motivated by hate, but I'm no psychologist.
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I've only experienced this through observation, but it does seem highly common that younger brothers are prone to feeling like they have to prove the unprovable: that they're equivalent or superior to their older brothers.
 
Keith Martin said:
I suspect that the best answers you're going to get to your query, @paterfamilias, are limited by the fact that they're projections of the writers onto the world surrounding them, but the one from @MrB resonates with me. I'm a highly social being who has simultaneously been more of an observer than a participant in life while operating as the 1st-born black sheep smartest-motherfucker-in-every-room except when I met the two Spocks, but, having said all that, I, first of all, don't believe what you're observing in this woman has anything whatsoever with her gender/sex. This tendency has consistently annoyed me (my own weakness), but it's a tendency that manifests itself in the music industry as turning on the hip for being hip. Everyone deep down wants to be hip -- a combo of smart, wise, cool and on the cutting edge. The only way to main this drive, though, is to turn on those one converts to a particular trend. The band one originally slavishly worshipped and promoted suddenly becomes "sell-outs" because they become popular. The band is really just improving, but what was something individual adherents almost considered personal property becomes too big to share. Not everyone feels this impulse, but for those who do, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Obsession is a badge of honor when most people don't really yet appreciate what you're obsessing about, but what propelled the obsession was the need to be out on the edge, not to be surrounded by fellow adherents.

The same can be applied to someone losing interest in a former passion. It made them feel unique, worthy of elevated respect. That passion, however, was ever intended to produce comfortable popularity.

So a new passion must be created -- one that others will eventually also pursue -- but by then the passion creator will have moved on to a new passion.

This is perhaps why we notice this more often when it happens with females -- because it's less common among them.
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I disagree that it's less common among females. How many women won't share the secret ingredient to their apple pie, or the recipe for that pot luck casserole, or the technique for turning a sock heel,...

The attitude is highly prevalent among women. I originally thought it was a sort of jealousy or envy (I get those mixed up), but I'm not sure. Maybe it's just plain ol' pride. I can understand the fear of becoming irrelevant or not needed. "If I tell the other women the secret is clove, they won't *beg* me to bring my apple pie to every function anymore."

I think it's the same attitude that spurs a woman to want to have "her" man all to herself. There's a desire to be special, unique. I struggled myself early on when I'd hear my husband singing my sisterwife a song he'd sung to me since our early dating days. At first, it stung a little... "that's *our* song, that's *my* song." But I learned to be happy for her by remembering the joy I felt when he sang to me. He didn't stop singing it to me, he just added the joy unto her. And when I prayed and received perspective, I would smile when I heard him. 🙂
 
NVIII's Babe said:
I struggled myself early on when I'd hear my husband singing my sisterwife a song he'd sung to me since our early dating days. At first, it stung a little... "that's *our* song, that's *my* song." But I learned to be happy for her by remembering the joy I felt when he sang to me. He didn't stop singing it to me, he just added the joy unto her. And when I prayed and received perspective, I would smile when I heard him. 🙂
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True story. I used to sing to my wife as well and still do occasionally. Some of her favorite songs and of course she melted :) Well I am currently seeing a woman that I very much enjoy being with. We went out on a date recently, and a song I knew came over the radio. I *almost* sung to her. Just couldn't do it yet, but I am sure I will.
 
Keith Martin said:
I suspect that the best answers you're going to get to your query, @paterfamilias, are limited by the fact that they're projections of the writers onto the world surrounding them, but the one from @MrB resonates with me. I'm a highly social being who has simultaneously been more of an observer than a participant in life while operating as the 1st-born black sheep smartest-motherfucker-in-every-room except when I met the two Spocks, but, having said all that, I, first of all, don't believe what you're observing in this woman has anything whatsoever with her gender/sex. This tendency has consistently annoyed me (my own weakness), but it's a tendency that manifests itself in the music industry as turning on the hip for being hip. Everyone deep down wants to be hip -- a combo of smart, wise, cool and on the cutting edge. The only way to maintain this drive, though, is to turn on those one converts to a particular trend. The band one originally slavishly worshipped and promoted suddenly becomes "sell-outs" because they become popular. The band is really just improving, but what was something individual adherents almost considered personal property becomes too big to share. Not everyone feels this impulse, but for those who do, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Obsession is a badge of honor when most people don't really yet appreciate what you're obsessing about, but what propelled the obsession was the need to be out on the edge, not to be surrounded by fellow adherents.

The same can be applied to someone losing interest in a former passion. It made them feel unique, worthy of elevated respect. That passion, however, was ever intended to produce comfortable popularity.

So a new passion must be created -- one that others will eventually also pursue -- but by then the passion creator will have moved on to a new passion.

This is perhaps why we notice this more often when it happens with females -- because it's less common among them.
Click to expand...
Nice perspective
of course the other questions are “what is the real issue ?” ”who does this issue belong to?”.
is it 1st wife that changes their interest?
is it second wife that follows first wife’s interests?
is it husbands frustration , second wife’s frustration?
when playing pin the tale on the donkey the first thing is finding the right donkey.

is it even a real issue or is it made up for the sake of an argument.?
 
To ansetje last question, it is musing on a situation related to me in two separate conversations. Given that there are only so many people who I can pose the issue to, I thought this might be an appropriate forum. If it is something other families practicing plural marriage may have encountered, then some insight my be had.

The other questions I can't answer but if possible, I will see what I can learn. I don't know them well so I can't predict how it will go.
 
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