Simple Advice For Keeping Friends (& Family)

[CecilW]

Someone-or-other got my e-mail address and sent the following message. It struck home. Thought I'd pass it on as useful for us all in all social relationships.

Cecil,

Do you think it's possible that with one email, I can improve the way the people you're closest to in your life see you?

Let's find out.

Because over the course of my life, from experience, I've learned a hard-won lesson I want to share today. As the New Year approaches, it's also something to think about for making yourself a better person in 2012.

It can change your personal and professional relationships -- and thus the course of your life -- and is very easy to implement:

Start a list right now on your cell phone, iPad, journal, the back of a receipt, or wherever you keep notes. (It must be something you carry with you -- not a desktop computer, for example.)

The list should be titled MY WORD. And...

Every time you tell someone you'll send them a link or let them borrow something; Every time you tell someone you'll introduce them to a person or send them that person's contact information; Every time you promise to help someone or accompany them anywhere; Every time you tell someone you will do anything for them, no matter how great or small

...write it down on your MY WORD list.

Then refer to that list at least once a week and follow through on each item.

Because the fact is, most people make promises that they really mean in the moment, but then minutes or hours later -- because we can only hold seven pieces of information in our short-term memory -- they completely forget having given their word to a friend or someone they work with.

But that other person, the one who was given the promise, doesn't forget it. Because it's something they really want or need help with, they store it in their long-term memory. And though you may have completely forgotten having mentioned it, they haven't. And do you know what occurs after this happens once or twice or three times? You lose one of the most important things a friend or colleague or potential career connection needs: Trust.

And without trust, there can be no real relationship.

You may be reading this thinking that you don't do this, but I can pretty much guarantee you that unless you have a system in place for keeping track of the promises you make people, you are forgetting some of them and damaging, even in a subtle way, important relationships.

In some cases, the person will remind you, and you may then follow through. But in more cases, the person whose trust you damaged will never even tell you this, because they don't want to seem petty -- After all, you were doing them a favor out of the goodness of your heart.

Conversely, because everyone does this to some degree, by being someone who FOLLOWS THROUGH on what they tell someone, you will stand out in their minds as exceptional, and gain not just trust but something even more rare: Integrity. And from that relationship, all kinds of great things will grow and blossom.

You will get so much more back than you ever gave.

Before we wind this up, there's a second step to add to being a person of integrity: Don't make promises you don't intend to or have time to keep. A lot of people, with the best of intentions, make promises to help others out. They do this often from a sincere need to gain the other person's respect or approval (or avoid disappointing them). And in the moment, that's what they get. But when they don't deliver on that promise, they end up with the opposite outcome.

So start your list now.

You may recall that Madonna in Everyone Loves You When You're Dead mentioned the book The Four Agreements, and that one of them was "be impeccable with your word." I still haven't read the book, and am not sure if it recommends similar steps, but if it does, then let this be a reinforcement of the message.

Taking his thought further, to how to maintain the list ... What do you do with promises that have been fulfilled?

A paper list may soon have 9 of 10 items crossed off a page. I don't want to spend my time keeping a list up-to-date. For the same reason, I don't like the idea of using a journal. 17 open promises out of a 150 pg book? *shudder*

And I'm not all that fond of electronic lists either. Too easy to get busy and forget about. Or accidentally delete something.

My best idea so far? Turns out my printer can print on 4x6 cards. Thinking a form on a card makes sense. Remove a completed promise from the stack and either toss or store. Card may show:

• My name, "Cecil's Word"
• Word given date
• Completed date
• Who to
• Date Completion Promised, if any
• $ amount involved, if any
• A pretty good sized area for writing in the promise.

Ooo! Ooo! Extra benefit! Could even fill out a duplicate and give it to someone saying, "I sometimes forget what I promise. It isn't intentional. These cards help. If you get one of these, you can hold me to it. If not, *shrug* I'll try to remember. No guarantees."

Would be especially good for spouses (spice? ) and kids. I'll bet they'd soon be demanding a card, which would help me remember to fill them out. Especially if they see me reviewing the cards pretty often, and following through. They might even start imitating the technique, to the benefit of all involved. Seems sensible anyway.

 

[CecilW]

 

[steve]

garsh, cecil, you musta made somebody a whole lot of broken promises for them to send you an e-mail like that!

 

[CecilW]

garsh, cecil, you musta made somebody a whole lot of broken promises for them to send you an e-mail like that!

Me and a few hundred thousand others. The rest of it, which I clipped, went on to suggest that I, along with all the other recipients of his 'personal' letter, should buy his new book.

The main broken promise that I know of was a deliberate notification that I would have to abandon the word "only". It turned out that it was the "only" word that really mattered. (pun intended. *groan*, I know.)

Nonetheless, I do see his point. Life happens; circumstances change; plans don't work out; things slip our minds. Some people understand that. Others don't. And it makes sense that if you were the recipient of a promise that meant something to you, to you it may well matter more than to whoever casually agreed to something as one more item during the course of their busy day.

Anyway, anything which holds hope of improving relationships, particularly within families where teenagers are so often looking for any excuse to criticize, grabs my attention.

Can't hurt. Might help.