• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

Soon To Be SW

C

cls1964

New Member
Hello,

I am soon to be the SW but have come into the relationship under stressful circumstances.

I will be truthful with you - my relationship with my future husband began without his FW knowing about it. She was just recently told after 1 year of our relationship beginning.
She had been looking for someone already but had no idea that her husband had already chosen me.
Needless to say, she is very hurt and confused and feels in her words "inadequate".
We have both tried to reassure her that this was not intentional and that we want to be a family very much.

How can we comfort her and help her through this.
She and I have had very open dialogue since she found out, maybe too open, but it is too late to go back.
I want so much to be part of this family and I want to be there for her.

Please help.
C~
 
Communication is the goal. The root of the issue is this: for the man and first woman to discuss why there was the fear there to refrain from being open with one another. The comfort will be found once the transparency has discovered why there was fear to begin with in letting the man choose or why the man felt like his first mate's efforts were not what he so desired. It all boils down to talking about that, discovering why it existed in the first place, and then seeking to find a remedy to it from that point.

For example, maybe the man felt like his first mate was seeking someone to suit her needs instead of his. Thus he ignored her goals, went out on his own, and developed the relationship according to his terms but was too fearful to express this to his first mate maybe because she gets mad to easily or yells at him or something. So instead of addressing that issue in her heart he abdicated his responsibility to shepherd her through that part fo her heart and life.

I use this ONLY as EXAMPLE. There is some reason there to be discovered and once it is, and it is dealt with, and grace applied (which not only covers the error but empowers one to overcome it) then the comfort will return.

Comfort is lost because trust is in some degree or another shaken and disturbed. When trust is working comfort is present.

So now the work begins by stepping back, talking about why there was a disjointed effort among two who are one and on the same team (the man and his first mate), and then seeking to be open, transparent, and gracious with each other recognizing we all battle with sin and must carefully strive against it with one another's help in the lord (1 John 1:9; 1 John 3:9).
 
You are very welcome C.

If I can be of any help to you further, please feel free to Private Message me. Also, the staff here at Biblical Families are great resources when dealing with conflict such as this.

Hope this helps and you and your family can get this issue resolved.
 
Speaking as a wife who know's what it's like to have trust broken, I'm sure she feels almost like he cheated on her.

This is something that she may need reassurance of on a regular basis. However if you and your future husband can convince her to seek out other wives can identify with her and prehaps offer her support. Praying together and seeking God's will first and foremost will help.

I'm sure there was some reason for hiding the relationship for a year from her and I can understand her being hurt and perhaps even angry however if she is truly seeking God's face on the issue and you and her husband are truly meant to be bound together then I know He will work it all out.

Please take into consideration that if you and the husband have already been intimate before you informed her of the relationship then that is something that will need forgiveness and in her eyes is very much infidelity and she may need time to forgive you both.

Sorry if any of that sounded harsh but I can put myself in her shoes and I would be hurt and angry IF something like this occured between my husband and a potential SW.
 
I want to say that you are in a tough spot. From personal experience I can tell you that now you need to be super-honest with her at all times. You must over-communicate with her. Never give the appearance of having secrets. And be prepared when she lets fly on you. No it isn't right but it is going to happen. You will need to have a stomach of iron. And you must encourage your hubby-to-be to court his first wife and go out of his way to fill her will love and security.

For a while, you may need to back off and let her have some favoritism. As she grows in her love for him and her trust and respect of you, that will probably become less, but right now she is feeling replaced, so you must do everything in your power to put her needs ahead of yours.

Just to be perfectly frank, in a biblical family, we all must always put everyone else's needs ahead of our own. That is the only way we can make it work. And you must be patient with hubby. You must encourage him to always do the right thing no matter what. It is hard, but it is so very necessary. Right now she feels like she doesn't know who to trust so you must never again give her reason to mistrust either of you.

If they argue, find something else to do. They have their own relationship that needs mending and she needs to feel that she is safe there.

Wish you much luck and love.

SweetLissa
 
cls1964 said:
my relationship with my future husband began without his FW knowing about it. She was just recently told after 1 year of our relationship beginning.
She had been looking for someone already but had no idea that her husband had already chosen me.
Needless to say, she is very hurt and confused and feels in her words "inadequate".
We have both tried to reassure her that this was not intentional and that we want to be a family very much.

How can we comfort her and help her through this.
Click to expand...

Whatever you choose to do, please start by asking her forgiveness. Having a secret relationship with her husband behind her back, whatever the circumstances were, was not an honorable thing to do.
Blessings,
Fairlight
 
Leviticus 18:18 – “Nor shall you take a woman as a rival to her sister, to uncover her nakedness while the other is alive.”

Rival = tsarar

Definition of tsara: http://www.blueletterbible.org/lang/lex ... 887&t=NKJV

1) to bind, be narrow, be in distress, make narrow, cause distress, besiege, be straitened, be bound

a) (Qal)

1) to bind, tie up, shut up

2) to be scant, be cramped, be in straits

b) (Pual) to be bound, be tied up

c) (Hiphil)

1) to make narrow for, cause distress to, press hard upon

2) to suffer distress

2) to show hostility toward, vex

a) (Qal)

1) to show hostility toward, treat with enmity, vex, harass

2) vexer, harasser (participle)



Ephesians 5:25, 28-29 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,

So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself
For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.

I bring up these verses with the definition of “rival” so that you can understand where I have formed my opinion.
I know you aren’t sisters; that’s not the point. Also for clarity a lot of people are of the opinion that in the culture that when this was written they would have understood the verse to mean not to take a woman’s sister if the 1st wife is barren as this would cause distress and shame for her.
I am taking the principle of this verse and going with my understanding of husbands are to love, nourish and cherish their wives and forming my opinion from these.
In many ways the husband has brought you to his 1st wife and it has distressed her, and possibly made hostility rise up in her towards you and him. I do not mean that you and the husband shouldn’t get married; I’m saying maybe it would be best to wait until the 1st wife is no longer distressed.
In many ways this was unloving towards the 1st wife. The trust she had for her husband is cracked and in many ways you have set her up so she feels like she can’t trust you. Plural marriage is not only supposed to be about the loving romantic relationship between the husband and his wives but also a trust and support system of friendship between sister wives as is portrayed by Christ and the church. How did you expect to become apart of their family when you either had no relationship with the 1st wife or had a dishonest one?
In leaving the first wife out of the picture he has grown your relationship out of deceit and has shown a lack of integrity This deceit is very unloving and has put the 1st wife in a position where she probably feels almost obligated to accept you because of her husband’s desire.
A lot of this mess needs to be cleared between the husband and 1st wife. They need to talk about why he felt this deceit was necessary. If the husband discovers in himself that it was out of selfish motivations and fear, then it would be of my opinion that an apology is absolutely necessary to even begin the restoration of trust. It would be of my opinion that the husband should then sacrifice his pride and his right to have you as a second wife. After which he could make a request to his 1st wife to take the time to get to know you as well as he has to see if she can try to find a new beginning for a future relationship between you and her and hopefully eventually trust. During this time she should be under no pressure to accept you. The trust and love between the husband and 1st wife needs to be restored first before they can even think of taking you on as a second. The husband and his 1st wife are one body and since his wife is wounded by his action, in doing so he has wounded himself. He needs to give her time to heal and trust him again, becoming whole and not broken as a healthy working body before even thinking of being one with anyone else. Giving her time to heal and get rid of any bitterness and resentment will be key in all this. In this situation you need to realize that there could be a possibility that you won’t join this family because of the deceit. If you have already become one flesh with the husband then that’s another matter entirely… I hope for your sake that everything works out and you guys can be a family together.
As to the 1st wife I really hope that she has been willing to follow her husband’s leadership and has been respectful to him and his desires in a sister wife and that the reason her husband went behind her back was not because of fear and frustration; which would still not excuse the husband for his unloving act. What it would mean is that they have a lot more in their own relationship that needs guidance and grace. A lot of understanding and grace for everyone involved needs to be in the center of this situation along with the allowance of time and forgiveness.
There are guidelines here that have been written up with wisdom on how to go about finding a second wife. I know it’s too late now but I’m showing you this so that you know that there are people who find it wise to include the 1st wife in the relationship of a potential 2nd. viewtopic.php?f=17&t=398
As a disclaimer I’m not staff here and really you could probably get more thorough advice from them and you could include more details as that could possibly change a person’s counsel. Feel free to email one of them! They are most helpful.

Praying that everything will work out for good and for God’s glory.

Amy
 
I second BelovedLily's post. Especially all that had to do with this situation being cleared up between the husband and his wife of his youth. She needs time to heal and recover and trust to be restored. Even though she was on-board with the idea of him having a second wife, it's an entirely different thing for it to go on in a deceitful way. Trust me, I can relate. The first thing I said after I was told about the other relationship my husband had been having without my knowledge, was that I needed some time to think and talk without thinking that every time his phone beeped it would be her. Basically, I asked that they had no communication for a while. I couldn't even eat. And their's was just a relationship by phone! Some men told my husband that he was wrong for giving in to me being selfish, but he knew that me trusting him and moving forward in our life together (with or without anyone else) needed to come first. It was good to communicate, argue, reconcile, do all the mending without feeling like he was itching to talk to her, too.

My advice for you would be to clear out for a while. Give them time. I would suggest absolutely no communication with the husband, regardless if you have become one flesh or not. In time, when she is ready, you can start to build a relationship with your SW, then with the husband. I can guess that you don't want to be the source of anyone's stress or pain, especially if you have to live with them for the rest of your life. Even if it takes 6 months or a year (hopefully not) for you to all become a family, it will be worth it. It would be better to take a year off, everyone is healed and happy, and then restart than to jump into a mess and things don't get ironed out for 20 years. Take a step back to go 2 steps forward. Pretty much, don't communicate with him until you hear from her that they've worked it out and she's ok with moving forward. But that's just my advice. Our Creator can do amazing things in all of our hearts. She cannot be pressured or hurried to heal and forgive, but our loving Father can stir it within her in His time and in His ways. We just have to remember to stay out of His way ;)


I will be praying for you and for your furture family.
 
My best advice is to take a step back now and 99% concentrate on building a positive, loving relationship with your sisterwife. It sounds like she was/is very open to plural marriage, which is probably half the battle right there, but I think your main focus right now should be building and nurturing a strong relationship with her. Our hubby and I had dated my SW twice before, and both times she was more focused on hubby and much less on me, and I was much more focused on hubby and not very much on her (it felt like in some ways we were 'fighting each other' if that makes sense) Then she came back (thank you God for prayers answered!) and we made sure our relationship was nurtured and strong this time around..and it is incredible..I love her so much, and want the best for her in every situation..also we have a 100% honesty policy with each other..even if we think it might hurt a bit to know the truth we don't lie or keep things from each other..now I look at spending the rest of my life with her and can't wait I am so excited for our family's future..I know that sounds silly but it's true..I just don't think things would have been this good had we not concentrated first and foremost on building a strong, loving friendship with each other..I hope this helps! Good luck to you and your family!
Kacy
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top