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Struggling!

F

FloridaGirl81

New Member
Hello,
My name is Crystal and I am almost 30 yrs old. My husband has found the love of his life in this beautiful girl where he works. They want to begin dating and eventually be married, adding to our family. This is all new to me. I am trying and praying everyday to be supportive, and on most days I do ok. I have not met her, she is not ready for that. I hope she really researches this lifestyle choice, because I fear she does not know how deep this goes and all that is involved. I am still learning myself. Some days it seems she and my husband do well with the situation and some days they don't. When they don't do well, I struggle to see my husband battling with thoughts and emotions in the relationship. Her current situation makes it difficult for the two of them to be consistent in their dating relationship and it makes for quite a rollar coaster for my husband. I don't want him to get hurt. I love him more than life. Because he is so in love with her, I love her. I want to see him happy. I guess these things take time. She is a great deal younger than I, and it is hard to remember how life was at her age. I am also praying for patience. I was hoping for some feedback on how newcomers to the lifestyle get through each day trying to be strong for their husbands and their future wives, their children, and are able to hold themselves together. God introduces so many new things to our lives, it gets hard sometimes even though I know he is there. I am 7 months pregnant and have many floods of emotions going on. I certainly don't want to make this all about me and not be supportive of the both of them everyday. HELP! Lol.
FloridaGirl81
 
Hi Crystal,
I live in FL also! I am sorry things don't seem to be going smoothly right now and of course being pregnant doesn't help. :) To tell the truth it is hard not to have some roller coaster days at the beginning of walking in plural marriage. It takes a lot of patience and wisdom on everyone's part. Does your husband read the forums? He can really gain some wisdom by reading some past threads and also getting to know some men who seem interesting on this site to him. The beginning is such an important time, it sets how you all will communicate with each other, it gives him a taste of leading two women in a Godly manner and it is the "testing" time for the family and for the possible Sister wife. Will she fit into our family? Do you think you could be friends with her? What are her world views and how do they fit with the families? Does she really want this? Like you said there is lots involved with joining a family. Do you understand what the costs of being a plural family might be? All of these questions take time to answer and certainly no commitment should be made before all of these and many more are answered. "Being in love" is a great emotional state, but you have to be wise enough to see to the future when the honeymoon is over. There has to be more substance to the relationship than " I love her and I want to take care of her or save her"

I personally have been in a plural family for 15 years. It also started kinda rocky for us and we have walked thru many difficult moments but God always had a plan for us, to His Glory we are a stable family now. It just takes time and lots of communication. I do have to say that I am a little concerned that you have not met this "love of his life" yet? Why not? If they are "dating" then you should definitely have already met her. Your husband is creating a dangerous atmosphere for deception if he is building a relationship with her by himself. I have seen two many families fall apart because the husband did not make clear the importance of his family to the potiential sisiter wife at the beginning. I do realize that every man has his own way of doing things but there are certain principles that are wise to follow just like the ones you followed the first time you got married. Right?

I will PM you my phone number in case you would like to call me. Maybe we can even get together sometime in the future being in the same state and all! My prayers are with you all.

With hope for the future!
 
Thank you so much, for your reply. I will send something in PM, that may help get out what im trying to say. This is so helpful to have. Thank you.
 
Hello. I had to read your post twice at first cause it sounded like something I could have written! I too am 30 and my name is Crystal. :mrgreen: It also sounds like we are in very similar points of our walk with God and PM. I just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that I am also here if you would ever like to talk. There are some amazing women on this sight. I have made a lot of life long friends here! I am sure you will do the same. :) Take care!
 
I hope things have improved for you. I am new to this site and to PM. My husband and I seriously looked into bringing another wife into our family last summer while I was pregnant with Liam. I know where you are coming from! We were looking into a woman from overseas, though. My husband always included me in every meeting via the internet (though sometimes I passed just because I was tired and wanted to go to bed). We all three got to know each other.

Like Julieb said, I am very concerned that your husband is relinquishing his responsibility for leadership in an effort to pursue this woman. He is letting her lead and call the shots instead of making it clear that his responsibility is to you and the children you are bearing for him first - the family that God has already established for him. His willingness to "date" her without you being present sounds a lot like he is trying to get something at the expense of his role as master of his family (including a potential wife). Besides, she needs to love you as much as you are trying to love her.

We didn't bring this woman into our marriage last year. There were a variety of red flags that started to go up for both of us. She was pushing to moving this faster than we wanted, asking for money often, and was unconcerned that I was starting to struggle with her becoming part of our family. If the potential wife doesn't care about how you are dealing with things, I would say she doesn't love your husband enough to commit to PM. Just as you try to love her just because you love your husband so much, she should be doing the same, imho.

However, I don't know what you do about all this if your husband has already decided to do what he wants to do. I hope you post and let me know how it has worked out. Since I am very new to all of this, too, it would be good to know if I am way off base about how these kinds of situations turn out.
 
I agree with last poster. My husband and I made that same mistake the first time. He met the girl and they began dating and her and I didn't meet until after I love you's were being said. The problem this caused is that she fell in love with my husband and not " his family". Therefore, early on there were many bumps in the road in dealing with personal time ( she wanted more personal time with husband) and put little effort into personal time as a family. She fell in love with my husband one on one instead of in a group setting. Her and I had a hard time becoming close bc I felt a disconnect like she wasn't interested in getting to know me.

Ultimately it didn't work out but next time I will meet the girl very early on bc it saves a lot of struggle and headache.
 
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