the new girl

[irishprincess09]

Hey everyone. I am brand new here and just finding my way around. Let's see..where to start??
My name is Crystal and my hubby and I have been married for about 8 years now. Neither of us come from a background of plural marriage. However, my husband and I were talking the other day and discovered that God had placed the idea of adding a SW on both of our hearts. The more we talk and pray about this, the more we feel led in this direction. As my husband was researching the topic, he found this website and introduced me to it. Right now, what I would really like to find is people that I can talk with about plural marriage.
We started talking about this seriously a few days ago and I woke up this morning realizing that I have already made the decision to move forward with this in my heart. But I still have questions/objections that I need help understanding how to handle and over come. As I was thinking about it last night, I realized that it feels more "wrong" to not add a SW than it does to add a SW. Now my fear is this, 'what if we do this and I realize that it is not what I want after all'? Has anyone ever dealt with that before?? Thanks for the ear! I look forward to meeting all of you.

 

[Dr. K.R. Allen]

Crystal,

What a blessing it is by providence that you came across this site. Welcome.

As to the main question you have: "what if you decide to do this and then later decide you do not like it, what do you do?" Or in your own terms: "what if we do this and I realize that it is not what I want after all'"

The biblical standard and ideal is for any two or more people who come into a coalescent union, a biblical union of a man and woman to each other, that it should not end until death. The only two options for ending a union is if there is adultery and/or desertion of an unbeliever. This is a high standard and not one to be experimented with, as that would violate the foundational doctrine of "unconditional love." If your man, and you with him, take another lady then the doctrine of unconditional love applies. There are no "conditions" that can be stipulated once united in the covenant as that covenant one enters into is an unconditional love covenant. You can read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 to see just how unconditional love is to be.

Thus, with that biblical standard it would then mean that before anyone or any other one enters into such a union that there is full agreement and a dedication to honor the union as a lifetime dedication before the Lord. There is no such thing within a Christ-centered theology of "let's experiment to see if this works and if not we'll call it quits." No believer in Christ should ever contemplate such a union upon those grounds. I'm not herein suggesting you would do that but just providing for you a biblical basis which rejects that ideology from the very foundation.

The Bible gives us a clear presentation of how courtship is to be developed. We can see this in the Song of Songs where Solomen courted this lady he called his beloved. She was actually the 141st women to come into a biblical union with Solomen. The stages of the courtship progress incrementally with objective outsiders looking into the union as it develops, which is CRUCIAL to the process working like it should and for the lady to be protected as it develops. These people in that book are called "friends" throughout the process.

The first two chapters deal with preliminary days of the courtship, chapters 3-4 deal with the bonding of the union, and chapters 5-6 deal with adjustments of the couple as they deal with little foxes that seek to spoil the union. These are helpful guides to show us the importance of people uniting on solid terms.

In our day it would include the man and woman being united in the effort, the incoming new lady seeking to join into the covenant or biblical union being on board with the process and hopefully in agreement with and friends with the others members of the man's family, and for there to be a close friendship among all of these parties. Also, as a golden rule, for the friendship to develop there needs to be time enough for this to develop.

One of the worse situations, which is too common in all relationships where patience is cast to the side, is for the new incoming family member to be rushed into a union before all of the people have enough time to get to know one another and to become friends and to even know each others strengths and weaknesses. A rushed union is really not only unwise but it is also in most cases unloving because it does not give each person enough time to bond emotionally, spiritually, and mentally before the physical bond. In such cases you have people bonding physically before there is ever an emotional, spiritual, and mental bonding. Those situations normally turn out bad and very problematic.

But, as it looks, you are on the right path in seeking to develop relationships with those who are in such unions. Furthermore, browse around the forums, visit the teaching articles section, as any questions you or your man may have, and get to know people as that will be a great resource for you.

Dr. Allen

 

[Tali]

Crystal,

Welcome, girl, to the wild and wooly world of Biblical Families, where you'll rarely be bored! I don't know if you are aware of it, but there will be a retreat in Georgia over the New Year's weekend. Any chance you and your hubb can attend? I know that for me just to talk to folks who believe in plural marriage and don't have three heads is such a comfort. We would love to meet you, and how amazing it is to me that God put pm on your hearts simultaneously. I am looking forward to knowing you better.

Shalom,
Ali T

 

[lutherangirl]

Crystal,

I second everything that Ali said about the retreats. It was great meeting people who are "normal" and deep rooted in their faith. Going to the NC retreat was a "mountain top" experience for me and my husband. Through the wonderful wisdom of people on this site and through prayer, I became convicted that pm is not wrong in God's eyes. In the beginning, I was on fire that this is what the Lord was calling us to do. I spent about six months researching this, and my husband (being the brave soul that he is) did tell people about our beliefs. Then I told our daughter. When the rejection started, and how quickly my thought process was beginning to change about pm. I don't believe it is wrong; however, it is a marriage that shouldn't be taken lightly as Dr. Keith as pointed out. I feel so blessed that our Father gave my husband the wisdom to wait on the Lord before he rushes right out to find another wife. I've learned a lot in two years and feel way more equipped if pm should be where the Lord is leading my husband. This time has given me a chance to work on myself and fix those issues that were unhealthy for another 'til death do us part' relationship. The best part of this journey no matter where the Lord is leading us is our marriage is growing stronger through all of the research and prayer.

Blessings to you as you hear the our Father's voice and the courage to do what He is calling you to do.

Michelle

 

[irishprincess09]

Thanks everyone. Your posts were much need affirmations. The concerns that I first had when Ed and I first discussed this have been resolved and now I seem to really only struggle with two or three.. The first one being telling my family. Since my dad is in OR and I am in MT, I don't feel a need to disclose this to him. My mom however, lives across the street from us and is very involved in our lives and those of the kids. I WANT to tell her. Not to feels wrong and I believe that the situation will be worse when she finds out eventually if I don't clue her in now. The crux to the entire situation though is that I am honestly afraid that my mom would report us to Child Protective Services and my kids would be removed while we were investigated. On the flip side of this, I keep telling myself that if this is truly the path the God has chosen for us then I should not be concerned and keep moving forward in faith. Any words of wisdom on this?
The other thing that I keep struggling with is the thought that they will eventually consummate the marriage and be intimate together from time to time. I assume this struggle is normal as the first wife, but how do I over come it?? I don't feel replaced, but I do have some insecurities surfacing..

 

[porkchop]

I am right there too. I can't seem to make peace with it at all...Somedays I'm ok, and some days I get go depressed thinking about my husband being intimate with someone else, I cry all day long. Sometimes it goes on for days. I don't know what to say, I can get past that realization either.

 

[irishprincess09]

I am right there too. I can't seem to make peace with it at all...Somedays I'm ok, and some days I get go depressed thinking about my husband being intimate with someone else, I cry all day long. Sometimes it goes on for days. I don't know what to say, I can get past that realization either.

Donnag..thank you for being willing to share that. I really needed to hear that someone else was going through this. If I may, where are you guys at in the process? Have you found a SW? I have found recently that for me, the days that get to me the most, are those that I have not taken this to God in prayer and/or I am running on little to no sleep. After being physically sick about this for about 4 days, I sat down last night and talked very openly with my husband and our "possible" SW. I realized that I was making myself sick because I had stopped talking and being honest with them on the levels that we committed to. After pouring everything out to them, I instantly felt better. This morning, I still feel unsure about everything to a degree, but I also feel good about the direction this is heading.

As the feelings surface, I have found that it also helps for me to sit down and really focus on what is causing the fear or emotions. I have discovered that at the core of all my negative feelings about this, is the fact that my mother does not know. The possibilities of how this could all play out is making me so stressed and ill that it is starting to eat at the relationship. After taking this to my husband, he has been able to calm my fears and reassure me that he will handle this but I will need to be patient and keep praying. I will pray for you also.