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Wasn't looking, it just happened! How do we figure this out?

Karen Holt

Karen Holt

New Member
Female
A plural marriage is not something that My husband and I ever planned. We relocated to a different state temporarily. Through a temporary Job that my husband had after getting injured at work, he met another woman. When I came to pick him up from the job, I could automatically see something. The only way to describe it is a soul connection that only God can give. It was the same soul connection we had when consummating our marriage. Long story short, through a lot of spiritual battles and a lot of biblical research she has finally accepted her biblical position as a wife. However, due to this happening, I am so conflicted. I dearly love this woman as my sister wife, yet im conflicted with not so much jealousy, but as to why? What position am I as first wife? Do I have any rights to claim? Like I want together showers with him because that is super special to me and I don't want to share that with her... But, here is the conflicting part for me, I don't want to hinder their love and showers might just be her thing too. (This is only for reference) Our husband is VERY considerate with this and trying his best to love us both equally, but us women seem to want to keep the same things sacred between just us and our husband, a certain kiss, a certain action, certain words of endearment, etc... then jealousy kicks in on both sides. Second wife gets Jealous at just a simple kiss, so I try not to cause jelousy for her, but holding back my self when I never had to before is starting to break me inside. I dont want her to feel like a second, but an equal, but now what I'm starting to feel like im not first anymore, what do I do? Hubby, is doing his best to love us equally! We all are also trying to figure out if anyone else has just been hit by God with... Here is a knitting of the heart and soul with just a look, kind of thing, even though you were not looking to expand into plural marriage? If so, how did you make it work?
 
You have come to the right place as there are quite a few here who have successfully done this over a period of several years. I can't speak from experience, but I would think that you keep what is private between you and your husband and understand that they will have their own special things that you don't need to know about, unless you feel strong enough to divulge with SW. I don't think you should concern yourself about making her jealous, at all, and likewise she should not concern herself with making you jealous. As long as hubby pleases you, and he pleases her as well, take comfort in that. Don't deny yourself the pleasure of your marriage relationship, out of fear or concern for her feelings. Just let her sort it out, and check your own feelings. If she sees that you are not jealous of her special times with your hubby, I would think that will rub off on her, but again, I can't speak from experience on that. Best of luck to you! :)
 
Shalom and welcome. You are in the right place.. any chance both your sister wife and hubby can join? Everyone has growth, questions and concerns. We are here to listen, bring Scriptural support and wisdom as we are able. There are hundreds of years of plural marriage on thus board.
 
Hi Karen, and welcome to our little corner of the Internet. You’ll find a lot of us here are supporters but not practitioners, but there are a number of folks here who are in plural marriages. Don’t lose patience - they don’t always get on here every day, as they often lead busy lives. There’s also a lot of wisdom here with folks that aren’t in plural marriages. If you haven’t yet, I’d encourage you to participate in a lady’s chat. I can’t recall the time or day right now, but someone will come along soon and share that information. I’m glad to see you reaching out for more information. May God bless you in your search for more information.
 
Welcome Karen!
The ladies chat is monday evenings, and I usually remember too late!

This is a great place to be for support.
I am an only wife and cannot offer anything but encouragement.
I hope others here can help you navigate this new teritory.
 
Welcome and Shalom to you and your husband's home, like the others have said your in the right place.
 
Hi Karen. Welcome and thank you for sharing these things with us. Some of the women/wives will be able to give you the answers you want but I'd encourage you to read and ponder what is written about love in 1 Cor. 13:4-8, and how those things can be applied to your situation. Blessings and shalom.
 
Karen Holt said:
how did you make it work?
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As a practitioner, making it work is an ongoing process. It demands spiritual maturity on a level like nothing else. keeping the mindset that the wives are not married to each other, but rather, each is married to the husband, has to be the starting point and basis for working out the details and keeping a proper mindset. Having faith that each one has the proper motivation and keeping suspicion out is also key. A ton of forgiveness on every ones part is also required.

Not having the support of a culture that accepts plural marriage makes all these things much harder. We often expect special relationships go give us special privileges. We often forget they come with extra responsibilities as well. Too often, we take advantage rather than give the extra respect that we should to the relationship. We sometimes treat strangers with more brotherly love and respect than we do our own families. This is error! Of course everyone must 'buy in' to the idea of being their brothers keeper, so to speak, and if everyone sees and believes that all are looking out for the best 'for all' then the results are the best.

Basic Christian brotherly love must reign supreme! (in every area . . . especially the small ones)
 
YAY!!!! Can't wait to meet him!!!!
 
Welcome Karen! I am glad you found us. How long have you been living plural? We would love to have you at chat on Mondays at 7:30 pm EST. We love new ladies! Chat info is posted on the Ladies Only section.

I agree with @Daniel DeLuca about curbing your public affection to your husband; don't do it. She needs to deal with her jealousy and you taking the prompting away only delays something that needs to be dealt with as soon as possible. It also creates an opening for you to be bitter towards her and/or your husband that Satan would like nothing better than to nurture to the destruction of your family. I have been in a plural family for 23 years now and have learned that the only way to have true relationship is to actually be your true self. Now that doesn't mean there can't be things you all need to be better at but being the best and truest Karen you can be is the best start to a good relationship with your SW. That's my 2 cents. :)
 
First of all. Welcome! Glad you all are here. I hope you will find this site a blessing.

As far as any advice you receive here, take what you need and leave the rest. :)

Karen Holt said:
A plural marriage is not something that My husband and I ever planned. We relocated to a different state temporarily. Through a temporary Job that my husband had after getting injured at work, he met another woman. When I came to pick him up from the job, I could automatically see something. The only way to describe it is a soul connection that only God can give. It was the same soul connection we had when consummating our marriage.
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This is really great news! Your husband is really blessed. Some hope and pray for many years to receive such a blessing. And you are blessed to be married to man that God has chosen to be blessed.

Karen Holt said:
Long story short, through a lot of spiritual battles and a lot of biblical research she has finally accepted her biblical position as a wife.
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Also excellent news!

Karen Holt said:
However, due to this happening, I am so conflicted. I dearly love this woman as my sister wife, yet im conflicted with not so much jealousy, but as to why?
Click to expand...

I can only assume that God favors your husband and your family.

Karen Holt said:
What position am I as first wife?
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Your position is unchanged. You are still your husband's wife.

Karen Holt said:
Do I have any rights to claim?
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Here is where you kind of get off track. Your language is legal as if someone owes you something. One blessing with polygamy is that you get to lose this attitude that can only lead to unhappiness for you. Instead, think of your marriage as a personal ministry and a way to serve the Lord.

This does not mean that you will not have wants and desires, but try not to think of these as entitlements.

Karen Holt said:
Like I want together showers with him because that is super special to me and I don't want to share that with her...
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The first part is good. Don't give up what is special to you. But you need to work on the second part. Why are you motivated to deny that for her? How does it take away from you if she gets it, too?

If you go to Best Buy and you can have 1 or 2 TVs for the same price, why would you just pick one and not give the second TV to her? If 1 TV is good why isn't 2 TVs twice as good?

So I would encourage you to look closely at your motivation. For example, if it is insecurity ("if he gets showers with her he will not think ours are special"), so rather than deny her something good why not work on your own insecurity and figure out how you can become more secure in your own relationship?

I think women are more monogamous by nature than men are and sometimes have difficulty believing that a man can really love more than one woman at the same time. So the answer may lie in getting to know your husband better and what he is really capable of and it may surprise you.

Karen Holt said:
But, here is the conflicting part for me, I don't want to hinder their love and showers might just be her thing too. (This is only for reference)
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True! Very wise of you.

Karen Holt said:
Our husband is VERY considerate with this and trying his best to love us both equally,
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Excellent!

Remember! Equal does not mean the same. God loves us all equally, but we do not all get the same blessings, but we all get what we need.

Karen Holt said:
...but us women seem to want to keep the same things sacred between just us and our husband, a certain kiss, a certain action, certain words of endearment, etc... then jealousy kicks in on both sides.
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So obviously this is an area that you all need to work on.

I would encourage you to realize that it is the meaning behind it that makes it sacred and not whether or not someone else shares it.

You do not need to work to ensure that each of your relationships are unique. That will happen automatically, because you are each different people.

Karen Holt said:
.Second wife gets Jealous at just a simple kiss, so I try not to cause jelousy for her, but holding back my self when I never had to before is starting to break me inside.
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I agree with others to not hold back and to be yourself. Her jealousy is her own issue and everyone needs to own their own emotions and behavior.

On the other hand do not do anything on purpose to spite her either. Only you know your own heart.


Karen Holt said:
I dont want her to feel like a second, but an equal, but now what I'm starting to feel like im not first anymore, what do I do?
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First is just a number. It is just the order that he married you. You have not lost anything, or at least anything worth having.

Karen Holt said:
Hubby, is doing his best to love us equally! We all are also trying to figure out if anyone else has just been hit by God with... Here is a knitting of the heart and soul with just a look, kind of thing, even though you were not looking to expand into plural marriage? If so, how did you make it work?
Click to expand...

You all have a great blessing from God. But like many blessing from God it does not come without responsibilities and the need for character.

Here is my advice:

1. Get good at the basics of human interaction. Be polite. Be friendly. Use your magic words even when you do not feel like it. Seriously this helps a lot.

2. Use the Golden Rule from Jesus. When wondering how to treat your sister wife ask yourself how you would want to be treated.

3. Always remember that you are all on the same team. Your husband has a mission from God. What is it and how can you help him with that?

4. Always remember that your marriage is another way that God shares his good news with the world (Ephesians 5). Make sure your marriage reflects that.

5. Be a mature adult and have goodwill for each other. Have a desire for everyone to have success. Relationships can and should be Win-Win. No one has to lose for you to win.

God does not lose. If you have the Spirit of God in you, in your marriage, and in your home you can not lose. That is good news, huh?
 
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Shalom and welcome
2 years ago Hashem sent us our sister/wife. I also love her dearly. And yes we have those issues but we work on it and work it out. She and husband got married a year ago in October. She lives with us. We share not.only husband but I have told her this is my house but it.is also yours. We share it together. If you wish to talk or know if I am or have gone thru something ask. I dont get kn much I work Monday thru Thursday but if I see you write I'll try to answer. Shalom
 
Somewhere on the forums is an article on 'comparing' that would help you. I looked but couldn't find it; maybe someone else here remembers it better.

But long story short...you can't go down the road of comparing yourself to her. It only leads to dissatisfaction and bitterness. Your sisterwife's attributes and her relationship with your husband have no bearing on your own relationship to him. Instead of looking at it as a competition, cherish the mindset that you two are a team working together to please and serve him. Likewise embrace the mindset of loving one another and being one in him. So instead of embracing feelings of jealousy when she shares something with him that you hold dear, make a conscious decision to rejoice that she also gets to share in that cherished moment. A kiss between them is no longer something to be jealous of as if love was a zero sum game (because it's not) but something to gladden your heart that they have a loving relationship. Since you are both one in him, there is no loss because you all share in one love. You don't need to worry about what she has or whether you all are treated equally because there is no you; you are one with him.
 
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