It's amazing how just a few weeks can change perspective. I remember reading some of the earlier posts down through July 5th, didn't respond to any of them one way or the other, and really had difficulty even comprehending the pros and cons being discussed at that time. I chalked it up to the fact that I'm still so new at this and on a pretty steep learning curve trying to understand so many new paradigmn shifts of thought. However, as I began to see the issues and hear the personal testimonies at retreat, tonight as I read everything from top to bottom in this thread, the topic is making so much more sense. Thank you so much to those who have shared their personal applications and thoughts.
Something that distresses me in establishing friendships myself and from listening to some retreat testimonies is the idea that when a potential doesn't end up joining the family, it seems there's a lot of hurt, heartache, and "friendship" that is just cut off or lost completely. When Cystrom shared his experience at retreat and explained why it abruptly ended after potential rejected his proposal, it was easy to see why that end was a best case scenario for him and his 1st wife. The potential had a Jezabel spirit and would probably have done everything possible to destroy the existing covenant if she had ever joined their family. So I get those sort of scenarios. Nevertheless, he spent months of effort and invested a lot to have it end in nothing.
For me, though, if I set out to establish a friendship with another lady, it is most importantly because I value her as a sister. If one takes BF out of the picture so that there isn't a man alongside of that same lady suggesting that a potential be approached, then for me, there is no difference as I seek a friendship with another sister. True friendship is a rare privilege in our society today. I don't approach it lightly whether inside of or outside of BF. What I'm hearing and reading in other threads is so sad that because a potential doesn't ultimately join a family, then a friendship is lost. Should it be that way? If a friendship is healthy, not self-serving, others oriented, and the friend is honestly loved and valued, then I would think wanting the very best for that person would be at the heart of any decision--to join a family, or in the best interests of all involved, not to join. True friendship doesn't say, "Be my friend so I can have ------.? OR " May I be your friend so I can --------?"
I do understand that in a BF setting, the husband may see a potential, whom neither he nor his wife have known previously and want both he and his wife to become friends with the potential in an effort to determine the Lord's will in the potential joining their home. As I've seen in some cases in BF, the wife already has a friend whom the husband comes to realize is a potential, and then he pursues a friendship with his wife's friend. Perhaps the husband has a friend whom he sees as a potential, but his wife has not met her yet, so the husband asks the wife to meet his friend whom he sees as a potential and asks the wife to build a friendship with his potential so that eventually they can become a family.
I also understand that not all friendships work out because on either side, one discovers there's not enough common ground to warrant pursuing investment in that particular person as a friend. This happens all the way through life and is not peculiar to BF. Ideally they should not part ways as enemies, especially if they are brother and sister in the Lord. Wanting the Lord's will for that other person's life--His very best--should trump the desired friendship once sought. Rejoicing that the Lord's will has been revealed, though it may involve disappointment for the moment, maintains an open door of fellowship among the body of believers. If each has respected the others, then seeing one another at BF retreats or other functions should still be possible without anxst.
For sure I'm speaking as a novice on this matter of friendships leading to a Biblical family setting. I'm painfully aware of this--that's why I'm posting and trying to understand and learn. Maybe I'm looking at this whole thing in a utopian or much too idealistic frame work for a practical, workable BF setting. Those of you who've navigated these waters, please help in this.
SouthernGrace72 said:
For me, I feel like I want to get to know them both at the same time. I would want to talk to with her and know her heart as well as his before moving forward in the relationship.
For me it isnt so much the new lady wanting only the husband as it is building the foundation of the household as one. You have the foundation for your relationship with the husband and you need one for the other wives as well, it is easier to build them all at one time than to build them individually. Then as individual couples and sisters you build the foundation for your family.
BeingHeld said:
I agree southerngrace. When a wife is left to the side and has to wait to build a friendship, it's hard because they have already built something and you have to find your place to fit. I feel if a lady is interested in your husband, that won't change. The longer youre kept from building the ladies relationship, the more apt sometimes the new lady will only want the man. But that's just my thoughts.
Southerngrace, I couldn't agree more. After all isn't it about family and the commitment to all involved? Yes, the husband with each wife has a covenant, but the family as a whole is what it's about to me.
MaryandJim said:
I agree with SouthernGrace and Beingheld. If the women of the house can't get along then family will suffer as a whole. Jim and I are new to the concept of PM but we think when Abba provides the second wife for him that we will build the relationship as a family.
As someone new in BF, I whole heartedly agree with all of these comments. The balance is off if both husband and wife are not seeking to establish the friendship with the potential. What I struggle with is if I have to lose a friendship with a sister because for some reason they don't feel like I would fit into their family, then why would I put time and effort into beginning the friendship. I really don't need my heart to be broken, and I certainly don't want to cause them to be hurt--brothers and sisters in the family of God are too special and valuable to want that for any of them. I also am so aware that to make oneself available for any sort of friendship with male or female, inside of or outside of BF, is to willingly become vulnerable and take the risk. So am I beating a dead horse?!?
I've read and heard enough comments of hurt, utter disappointment, or hesitancy to even look again for another BF family or potential that it has caused me to take spend much time in thought and prayer over this topic. There's so few of us embracing BF. If joining to family doesn't work and friendships are lost or severed, where does one go when there's nowhere else to go. Why would one ever want to try again? The idea of isolation to avoid being hurt or hurting someone else is almost to painful to bear also. At this point I almost feel like a blubbering fool and have rambled, but truly hope this group of caring people will respond with your thoughts and hope you can make sense out of what I've said.
