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A New Marriage

lutherangirl

lutherangirl

Member
Real Person
Female
Since my husband believes in plural marriage, I have a tendency to think whenever he is talking about a girl at work he is wanting to court her. This brought up a conversation that led me into asking him these questions: "We have 30 years of marriage together, so how is it going to work out adding someone new to the family? I asked is it really fair to pursue this at our age when we have so much history together and know each other so well? It seems that I'd have a greater advantage than the other woman, so is this really fair?" His response was, "We would have to create a new marriage together with her."

I'm finding it hard to wrap his response around my head. Does it mean that we'd just forget 30 years? Does it mean that I'd have to just shut my mouth and let the new woman learn on her own about his ways, likes, desires, etc.?
 
Personally, I would have said "I would have to create a new marriage with her". You're not marrying her, so I don't see how the two of you would be creating "a new marriage together with her". Your husband may have made a poorly worded off-the-cuff response and you may be over-analysing something he might not have actually meant. I'd suggest clarifying this with him, show him your post here and ask him if you've taken his statement the right way.
 
FH, appreciate the comment but Ladies Only!

Lutherangirl, I certainly see where you are coming from but I have to think of other things that God sometimes asks families to do that disrupt, if you will, the normal flow of life for them. Families can be called to a mission trip that ends up changing many things about how they do things as a family. The death of grown children might require grandparents to raise their grandchildren. The opportunity of adoption might present itself to you in your later lives. My 20 year old son, had a friend who needed a place to live suddenly, that turned into a three month stay. He has gone on to better things but he would not have had that if he was homeless or bouncing from couch to couch. I don't say this to boast, I say this to say that if God brings something our way we have the choice to accept or not. I suspect that any lady who God would bring into relationship with your husband will be someone who needs your wisdom and friendship just as much as a husband. Do we have wisdom about what is good for the family within these matters, of course, but we also have to be open to step out in faith and see what God will do.

I do agree with FH that your husband marrying someone doesn't take away the great foundation that you both have created for your family. A new wife should be a beneficial addition to it. It might require some stepping out of the comfort zone but that doesn't mean it can't bring many blessings that you didn't even think about in this season of life.
 
Julie,

Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom here yet again. You are so correct about life changing all the time regardless of the season or reason. Although, with those changes, our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ recognize them to be "normal" events and share in encouraging and helping along the way. I would imagine with pm it's a completely different, lonely road at times.

I did talk with my husband last night about his comment. He did clarify that I wouldn't be married to her but meant that all of us would be going through the changes together.
 
You are right, it isn't a normal road, and can be lonely in the walking it. (As you know, that is why we are so big on community and retreats here.) I do think that even though it is out of the "normal" it still hits us the same emotionally. It requires a period of adjustment to new logistics and new feelings. It requires us to lean into our relationship with our Heavenly Father a bit more and requires us to trust in our husband a bit more. I don't know you all that well but I know enough to know that you will rise to the occasion if and when it happens. I know that you desire to be a wife of blessing and a mature child of God. For these reasons, I believe God looks down and sees you and says, "Oh good! She is one I can entrust this out of the box truth too. She will do well." At least that is what I think....:)
 
Your marriage to him and her marriage to him will be different and independent of each other, but in a way, you will be creating a new "group marriage." Most of the families I know (including my own) have a group identity that dictates how they interact and behave in front of each other. Unless you choose to live in different houses, the group identity will be the one you maintain most of the time.
 
Julie,

Your words of encouragement are beautiful as always. I will be praying for the upcoming Women's Retreat. If, and when, God says like you said, 'She will do well' and sends us an additional wife, I'm sure I will be more involved in this community of believers.

Lili,

I never thought of it as a "group" identity? I just don't want to "hide" a sisterwife. I feel she should have as many rights as I do being able to be called Gary's wife. I wouldn't want her to feel anything less.
 
My husband has the same ideas about this. Each marriage being separate, but we're all one big family. It means the family dynamic changes as a whole. But, according to husband, our marriage dynamic shouldn't change. Or, if it does, it should only get better. :)
Praying for you, Lutherangirl!
 
ChristineP,

Thank you for your prayers. Praying for each other on this journey is so very important. I will pray for you also. From your other post, I see that you also have a great relationship with your husband and consider him your best friend. I agree with you that it is hard to think of sharing or loosing that intimacy above all else.

It's funny that although we've studied about plural marriage since 2008 and went to a BF retreat, it wasn't until my husband was moved into an office position working with other women that I became more aware of the reality that God might have not only moved him in this position for health reasons but, possibly for us to be in a pm. When he worked in the shop, he worked mainly around a lot of men and seldom talked about the women who worked in the office. He occasionally chatted to a few ladies that were from different states and during golf events but now, with him having direct contact and some of the ladies complementing him on his outfits, it seems like I need to prepare myself (or I could be overreacting, too :)). That's why I periodically pop back into these forums to get Godly advice from you wonderful women who are like-minded. Also, I feel very blessed that my husband just didn't "dive right in" once he learned about plural marriage.
 
lutherangirl said:
I will pray for you also. From your other post, I see that you also have a great relationship with your husband and consider him your best friend. I agree with you that it is hard to think of sharing or loosing that intimacy above all else.
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Thank you SO much for this!!! <3

lutherangirl said:
It's funny that although we've studied about plural marriage since 2008 and went to a BF retreat, it wasn't until my husband was moved into an office position working with other women that I became more aware of the reality that God might have not only moved him in this position for health reasons but, possibly for us to be in a pm. When he worked in the shop, he worked mainly around a lot of men and seldom talked about the women who worked in the office. He occasionally chatted to a few ladies that were from different states and during golf events but now, with him having direct contact and some of the ladies complementing him on his outfits, it seems like I need to prepare myself (or I could be overreacting, too :)). That's why I periodically pop back into these forums to get Godly advice from you wonderful women who are like-minded. Also, I feel very blessed that my husband just didn't "dive right in" once he learned about plural marriage.
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I am absolutely amazed by how wonderful this forum and site it. I needed it more than I knew. And I firmly believe God directed me here. And here I am, getting so much from so many people that are all so much wiser than I.

Still praying for you!
 
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