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A point of despair

Sean Miller

Sean Miller

Member
Male
So 9 months ago I started a post on support after my 1st left with my kids. This is still an ongoing battle. However now I'm facing the evil spirit of jelliousy from my 2nd, who came into my family completely knowing my family life and life and biblical choices. Since my 1st left and my 2nd had my son things have been so up and down. One day she's madly in love with me, the next she hates me and wants to leave with the kids. Most of the time it's due to her "thinking" I'm dating or meeting other women, but it's completely in her head. If I go somewhere for 40min without her I get nasty texts of eveil comments all because in her head, I'm meeting someone else. She involvs the kids each time she is "grumpy" by snapping and yelling at them or at me in front of them. She blames me that the kids want to stay with me and not go with her when she threatens or does leave. Just in the last month she's left 3 times, because I went somewhere like the gym or just to get some space. She drags the kids and threatens them with beatings if they don't go with her, takes money and goes to a hotel in a cab.

I usually always find out where she went and loving go to ask her to come home, while being calm and loving. In the fit of anger she says things that are not true only attacking me verbally and some times physically. She tried stabbing me with a fork last week because I told her she needed a time out for acting grumpy and angry again, this again was infront of all the kids. This was because she thought I wanted a relationship with some women I have not interest being with. What ever comes into her mind she seems to make it true and looses all control over her toung and behavior, but blamimg through out it all. Saying I'm involving the kids and manipulate them to want to stay with me and so on.

I fight my feelings of hurt and anger each time to stay calm and loving, I maybe yelled 1 time at her. Eventually I just hold her and ask her to please stop and be loving and once she sees me crying she calms down. I'm exhausted, last night was just another stike on the match, my friemd was having a birthday party and one of the other men there liked a women who was there, I tried to play matchmaker with them and my spouse comes up and pinches me in my side and snaps "stop flirrting!” I was talking with my guy friends who were around me as she did this. Then when were home she's angry and packing her stuff to leave again. I ask her why she's angry this time and she doesn't even respond. I'm at a loss. My son's said to me today they notice she takes her anger out on them, is much less patient and fast to snap at them. My "adopted kids" who are hers run away from her when she acts like this and are scared of her making time leave home again. I have no legal rights on those two but I've raised them, love them as my own blood.

I'm just exhausted, Everytime this happens it's without merrit. However even if I was seeing someone, which I'm not, I simply don't have the energy for it, that wouldn't justify her behaviour. The worst is when she starts cursing God, and accusing me if things I'm not nor have done in front of the kids, then she accuses me for involving them when one of them says (like today) "Daddy isn't a bad daddy". She won't listen to me to calm down and be quite and yet she wonders why the kids want to be with me. I explain to her it's because of how she's acting that makes them upset, they want to be with both of us and when she acts this way they are scared because they don't want to be taken away from their home, father and brothers.

No it's not post partum I don't think, she's acted this way since we have gotten married but it's just worst now that my 1st wife is gone. Daily Bible devotions and prayer seems to help for a brief moment but then something stikes her weak mind and she's off again. Christ says love your neighbor and do good to those who persecut you, this is what I repeated in my mind over and over again to get through each fight she has. I'm now at the point that I want to give up, guys, I don't know what to do! I need some direction and encouragement please. Am I doing the right thing? Or should I just let her leave with our baby and the other two children? I think of Christ Parable in John 10, God gave the chapter to my wife in fact. The lost sheep, the good Shepard and so I think I need to go after her each time she leaves with the kids. She knows she's doing it to be hurtful but also because she's tiered of being so upset all the time. I give up everything to try to keep peace in the home and I feel no longer like the man or leader in my home, she just manipulates until she gets what she wants, which is me not talking to or dating anyone else and being with her 24/7. The greatest master 1st must be your servent so I think I must have to be that way now, but what about what God calls her to do? She doesn't want much to do with that every time she starts thinking to much.

This isn't a rant against her, I just want peace in my home and some wisdom in this situation. Help! What would you guys do? Have you experienced this kind of jelliousy before, especially from a 2nd wife in the home? Am I wrong for thinking these ways? I'm a red pill believer but I can't be dominate nor know how when my kids are being used against me, I become soft and do anything to pretect my family, including her especially from herself. I love her and our kids and I want us to be as I always have been, a loving, God following, poly family. Thanks in advance.
 
Praying for you. It sounds like she is unwilling to deal with her sin and makes me wonder if she even is a believer. Possibly even demonic influence or possession. This sounds like a reenactment of God's struggle with Israel and Judah. I think you need to keep doing all you can to protect the children from her, but this is certainly a difficult era to do that.
 
Hi @Sean Miller , I think your 2nd wife is mostly very insecure and probably not filled with the Holy Spirit. This problem also becomes worse due to your inadequate leadership skills in leading her. When she threw her tantrum against you, tried stabbing you with a fork, took her anger out on your kids, she already exceeded the limits. By chasing her back and yelling at her, you were giving her exactly what she wanted - attention.

First and foremost, you must protect the kids. The Lord said in Matt 18:5-6, "And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me. If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea." If needed, you should seek legal advice to protect the kids from the abuse they might be suffering. And, pray for the kids too. Trust that the Lord has His plans for the Kids. We recognise what we are capable of and what we are not capable of. Even if the kids might be in danger even after having done your best, you should leave it to the Lord. He will use the kids for His glory.

Secondly, I think you should NOT give her the attention she wants. She has already gone beyond the limits of decency and seemingly is going against God's commandments and the local law - assault. She has got you under her thumbs. The beauty about polygyny is the woman will not be able to monopolise or exert too much control over you. We could see this pattern even in the story of Adam and Eve. Eve was the one who had manipulated Adam into consuming the forbidden fruit from the tree of knowledge. Adam's biggest issue was that he had given over control over almost everything to Eve - he needed Eve too much. When your 2nd wife does whatever sinful things or said whatever sinful words, warn her about the sins calmly and nonchalantly and totally ignore her until she comes back to you seeking for reconciliation.(INCLUDING not talking to her at all. absolute silence. Do NOT get provoked by her. If necessary, leave the place. If you want to cook for her or prepare her meal or give her some money, do it but just IGNORE her actions and words) You have to be strict about this. Never ever feed the attention-seeking beast inside your wife. How long should you ignore? For as long as possible until she repents. Some might take a few hours, some might take weeks, some might take years. But if she truly loves you, she will definitely return to you. Otherwise, you know you got yourself a wife who is very problematic.

If she leaves you for good, the sins will be upon her. The Scripture says to the wife to never get separated from the husband and if she does, she should not get married again. If she rejects you, how much more does she reject Jesus and His teachings? Therefore, I would say she might be an unbeliever, in which case, your conscience will be clear.

The third issue is about her violence. I want you to know that as a true believer in Christ, you should not be afraid of any harm for God is with you. Anyway, if she really tried to stab you, try running away or maybe if you want to emulate Jesus, just receive that stab. Jesus said in Matt 5:39, "But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.". Or, if you want, you could lodge a police report for assault. This may even help the kids to avoid abusive behaviors from her. In Matt 18:15-17, the Scripture says " 15“If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16“But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED. 17“If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. " Most likely you don't have a church that can do that, so I think you need to treat her to be accountable to the law of the country.

Finally, pray, pray and pray. Ask the Lord for peace of mind and calmness in the midst of storms. You are in a perfect position to show how much you trust and love the Lord. If you are tempted not to ignore her, pray to God to give you strength and peace of mind. It's really amazing how much God could do. May God protect and bless you!
 
You have proven that servant leadership is utter Bullsnot.
Sean Miller said:
I give up everything to try to keep peace in the home and I feel no longer like the man or leader in my home
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Bingo.

You will need to completely change who you are, or remain her boy-toy.
It’s totally up to you.
The kids are presently in an abusive situation and you can either let it continue or make changes that will probably cause her to leave, at least for a time. The second option is definitely a gamble.
 
@Sean Miller, it's very hard to know what to say because you're going through so much more than I ever have. However, if Satan wants to attack you so harshly, he must see you as a threat - maybe that's an encouragement.

Sarah and I had an interesting thought experiment this morning. She read your posts before I had seen them, and came to tell me about it. However, she reversed the genders when explaining it, and said that a new lady had turned up and was describing being treated the way you have, by her husband. From that perspective, the entire situation sounded a classic example of very serious physical and emotional abuse. Then she told me she'd flipped the genders and it was actually you and your second wife.

If a woman was receiving the treatment you are receiving, we'd all agree that would be abusive to a level that would justify strong measures to keep her and the children safe. You are a victim of serious abuse.

But the other men above are correct - the only way forward is to take charge, and not remain the victim. And lots of prayer. Easier said than done obviously. But the advice above is excellent.

I would suggest one more thing, which might seem a slight pandering to her viewpoint but is not. I would give her a firm guarantee that you are not going to start another relationship with any woman other than her and wife 1 (in the unlikely event that became a possibility), for a firm time-bound period (say the next 12 months). This does two things - it removes every objection she is making towards you at present, and it gives her a level of security given this is her fear. However, it does so in a way that is clearly you taking charge - you have made the commitment, it stands regardless of her response to it (it is not an offer, it is a decision of yours), and it is time-bound (again showing it is under your control).

From that point, you can move forwards on taking leadership and not accepting any of her crap, always falling back on the fact that she has absolutely nothing to object to or accuse you of in the first place.

@Kai T has given some good advice on what that might practically look like - and protecting the children is obviously top priority.
 
Deep sigh.

I have been where you are, brother Sean, and the three brothers who have given you guidance have all spoken truth (especially the dynamic about how you are fueling the fire by giving it attention), but Steve hits the nail on the head: you have turned your relationship topsy-turvy by becoming your wife's servant, and by doing so you have abrogated your responsibility to provide leadership and protection to your wife on top of to your children. That most women have a tendency to follow the lead of their emotions is one of the main reasons why God designed men to lead women. @FollowingHim2's thought experiment of reversing the genders was a useful one, for two reasons: (1) it puts in focus how your situation is one that would be almost universally condemned if the genders were reversed; and (2) it highlights that you are not being the leader of your family -- you have become the enabler of an emotional cyclone being your family's guiding force.

The strategy of removing the attention and waiting for her to return to participation in adult-level conversations is a good one, but Steve accurately points out that it's risky, and the reason it is is because it is most likely bound to fail if it is relied on as a primary plan. Instead, you have to do that within the context of also exhibiting several new forms of leadership. You are already attempting to be kind and considerate, and those things are laudable, but there are reasons why predominantly being just nice and kind is not considered manly. I'm not suggesting getting all macho about this -- just noting that niceness isn't enough; in fact, niceness plus patience isn't enough.

My first recommendation is you to take on a patriarchal philosophy that asserts from your core that you are 100% responsible for everything that happens in your family, which includes considering yourself 100% responsible for every aspect of how your wife is behaving. The question then becomes, how, as the person who is 100% responsible for this Tasmanian Devilness, do I adjust what I'm doing and not doing to correct this situation? Yes, do your best to give attention to behaviors you want to perpetuate and to withhold attention from behaviors that are destructive to the family, but you cannot fall back on just following that kind of behavior-centered model of attention-giving-and-withdrawing, because some behaviors, no matter how much you would prefer to ignore them, are simply too egregious to ignore: they require action. If children are in danger, they need to be protected, and you, as the 100%-responsible patriarch, are required to rise to the occasion, give consideration to everything from what Scripture advises to what the laws are in the context of the society in which we all live, and then take whatever action most makes sense to protect your children and your wife.

We do not live in an ideal world, and you have created a family with its own additional non-ideal-ness that compounds the situation. You don't have unlimited power. In order to address your fears about how your wife may use her/your children to manipulate you, you may need to seek discreet legal advice from an attorney who isn't hostile toward plural family structures. As suggested above, you may need to involve the legal system to seek protection orders. But first you have to be uncomfortably honest with yourself about where you have dropped the ball -- and where you need to augment your niceness with steady, firm, protective, assertive-but-not-aggressive leadership. Avoid making threats you aren't 100% certain you will follow through on. Your mission now and always should be to be in the process of laying down layer after layer of firm foundation on which you build the sanity of your family. You can also be transparent about this with your wife/wives. You can take @FollowingHim's suggestion that you offer a definite moratorium period during which you will not seek or obtain any additional wives -- but pair it up with notifying your wife/wives that you have recognized that you have clearly exhibited a failure of leadership but that you are now determined to fully correct that before you make any effort to further expand your family.

One of the hardest things for me to acknowledge to myself earlier on in my exploration of the possibility of having a plural family was that, while not the biggest driver, a not-insignificant motivator for being married to more than one woman was to make up for what was missing in my marriage with wife #1. Through the wise counsel of certain key brothers in this organization and elsewhere, though, I got virtually hit over the head with the hammer of that exhortation to take 100% responsibility for everything that happens in my family, and only then I began to realize that way too much of my desire to expand my family arose from my desire to fix the one I already have. So I reoriented myself toward being who I needed to be with the wife and children I already had. And, if you start paying attention to this particular philosophy, you'll notice that I'm far from being the only man in Biblical Families who will voice this truth: I may never have a plural family, but the support I've received here to become an effective patriarch will have been more than enough of a blessing in my life (and the lives of my family members) even if God never sees fit to pair me up with another wife.

I honor and respect you, @Sean Miller, for having the strength of character to demonstrate the vulnerability you had to demonstrate in order to share your situation with us. We have all been taught to be major pussies by the culture in which we're immersed, right down to the canard that all masculinity is toxic, so I invite you to (a) forgive yourself for getting into this mess, but (b) don't leave it at that. Get yourself in gear. Be a man. And avoid what @steve refers to as servant leadership. My youngest son is currently going through a messed-up situation in his military assignment in which he has finally learned that making the satisfaction of his supervisees his highest priority only serves to bite him in the ass. I shared with him a philosophy from Landmark Education called Mastery of Empowerment, and I think the title was craftily chosen to draw in Sensitive New Age Guy types, because empowerment is typically (and erroneously) considered to be a top-down strategy; instead in MOE workshops one learns that the only thing that works is the opposite approach: the only organizations that truly thrive are those in which each individual involved takes responsibility for empowering the person above him in the organizational structure -- and expects no significant encouragement from those in the upper levels. It doesn't mean people should treat those they supervise poorly, but it does mean that people should be committed to the success of those above them. Scripture actually promotes the same philosophy. We are exhorted to worship, glorify and obey Christ and God. We are not encouraged to wait around for Them to worship, glorify and obey us. They don't have to do that to prove that They are worthy; They have already demonstrated their worthiness. It is your responsibility to inspire your wife and children to admire and obey you, which, by the way, includes you inspiring your (and her) children to admire and obey her.
 
Keith Martin said:
My first recommendation is you to take on a patriarchal philosophy that asserts from your core that you are 100% responsible for everything that happens in your family, which includes considering yourself 100% responsible for every aspect of how your wife is behaving. The question then becomes, how, as the person who is 100% responsible for this Tasmanian Devilness, do I adjust what I'm doing and not doing to correct this situation? Yes, do your best to give attention to behaviors you want to perpetuate and to withhold attention from behaviors that are destructive to the family, but you cannot fall back on just following that kind of behavior-centered model of attention-giving-and-withdrawing, because some behaviors, no matter how much you would prefer to ignore them, are simply too egregious to ignore: they require action. If children are in danger, they need to be protected, and you, as the 100%-responsible patriarch, are required to rise to the occasion, give consideration to everything from what Scripture advises to what the laws are in the context of the society in which we all live, and then take whatever action most makes sense to protect your children and your wife.
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I definitely agree that it’s 100% your responsibility in this. HOWEVER, before you take ANY action, get proper legal advice. You really don’t want the State to come back and haunt you.

This age is a fallen age. Therefore, Christ exhorts us to be wise as a serpent too. In Matt 10:16, Jesus said “Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves.”

If you tried to take the kids away under the reason of protecting them, the State may not agree with you and will persecute and punish you for your patriarchal act of bravery. In the end, you would save no one, including yourself.
 
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Thank you, brothers, for the wisdom and direction. I agree with nearly everything suggested here. @FollowingHim I do appreciate that, and it is encouraging.

As for some of the suggestions regarding getting law enforcement involved I at times consider this but it's not the path I believe it's Christ like nor would be beneficial for me here since I'm not state side, the systems here are not the same as the US. But mostly I have to fight for what is gracious. Are we not to love our neighbor as our self? Are we not called to show unconditional grace? True Grace is very, very, hard to practice but I do believe it's how we are to exhibit the same as Christ. But as far as legal action that's not the way to progress, turn the other cheak in that regard.

Now in regard to ignoring the behavior, this I can do, it's difficult, but I can do it. I tend to want to rebuke and correct then comfort but the never results of much. She's up and down, today she is loving and affectionat and this is who I fell in love with. Yesterday when she was cursing God I just started rebuking the evil spirit as I won't allow that kind of talk in my home, nor will be silent to it, especially when the kids hear it. I do wonder if it's about post partum now that I re think it all but that seems extreem, but the things she gets angry about are so illogical and all in her mind almost every time. I want to reassure her so I attempt to explain things and that doesn't matter. I guess foolishly I just want her to feel better and not be consumed my falicies or fears, but it's very difficult to reason with someone that is twisting truths, playing word games and pointing the fingers doesn't ever fix anything.

I'm not sure how to progress to help her come out of it, I can not make her change, nor can I get her to take accountability. I just get blamed, "it's your fault Sean what I feel, because you broke my heart". I'm not in control of her feelings nor am I able to control her thoughts and jelliousy.

As for persuing other relationship's, that is and has been on hold for over a year already. I did that per her request, and our agreement that after that time she'd support and help me in the search. Well that time was up, and I haven't had a relationship yet. She doesn't want me to have one nor can even handle me looking at another woman. Yes, there is a underlined insecurities, but I wonder often if it's more about control than anything, subcontiously. I doubt King David waited for his other wives to accept him having Bathsheba. Or Abraham with his concubines. Yes I agree we live in a society where now us men are told to be pushovers, and I grew up with my father being that way as well, with my mother. I hated it, but now as I'm older I can't help but face the act of Grace. As @Keith Martin said, I can't control what she may say or do but I sure can do what's right. It is just a bit hard these days to know how to do that. Ultimately I'll follow God's laws over anything. We know what God says about grace and love, he didn't fight his accuser's before the cross either.

Regards to Matt 18:5, I don't see this applys to her actions, she's not really physically abusive to the kids, only a few things in that regard have occured, it's mostly the emotional abuse. And thats not her making the kids stumble, but it is a bad example. I do think another outsider believer speaking with her would be beneficial, as @Keith Martin quoted, to gather 2 more and speak to her.

What she doesn't get is I'm not here to attack her or embarrass her as she's done so often to me, I want to help her, and she agreed on working at making a changes with my help. All that goes out the window soon as she's angry/jellious. How can I be 100% responsible for that?

Thanks for the advise and I will work to apply some of these things, especially the ignoring the behavior. But what if she does run off again with the kids, do I keep going after her and asking her to calm down and come home? I really hope and pray she won't do this anymore. I really would appreciate your prayers for us with all the above. Thank you in advance! Shalom
 
Have you considered the biological component?
A friend of mine sometime ago confided in me that his wife was on monster pills for a time??
And proceeded to explain her wild mood swings and irrational behaviour. He and his wife talked things through and she went to the doctor and was given monster pills for a time ( because they make the monster go away).
During this conversation with my friend his wife came in and she said “oh year I was out of control, it saved our marriage. I couldn’t understand why I did things some days “
They had young two children the youngest was 3 or 4 years old approximately. He worked full time she worked part time no great pressure..
I figured it’s a result some woman suffer after having children. Let’s face it bearing children is no easy thing and can be very hard on a woman’s body physically and emotionally.
It takes a few years for some to get back to normal after childbirth (plan on at least five years of baby brain thereafter).

Might be Worth considering
 
You keep bringing up what is logical to you, like as if that should be important to her. In the meantime, her logic is winning.
Sean Miller said:
Eventually I just hold her and ask her to please stop and be loving and once she sees me crying she calms down.
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Sean Miller said:
Well that time was up, and I haven't had a relationship yet. She doesn't want me to have one......
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She is getting what she wants out of this relationship, you kowtowing to her wishes.
I am not saying to date at this point, you don’t have a stable enough family for another woman to join. You have no right enticing another woman to join that mess. Just firmly maintain that you do have the right to relationships with other women and that you plan to increase your family at the point of your choosing.
Control the finances so that her options are limited if she does choose to run. Tell her that you will help her pack if she wants to leave.
But ultimately you must choose whether to live under her thumb, or take a chance that she will leave you altogether. She will test you and see if you will come crawling if she leaves again. What you do is your choice.


Please understand that I speak from the position of having a wife who pulled this crap over four years ago and hasn’t come back yet. But no children were involved, so I am not equating our experience at all. Just that there are similarities.
 
Sean Miller said:
As for some of the suggestions regarding getting law enforcement involved I at times consider this but it's not the path I believe it's Christ like nor would be beneficial for me here since I'm not state side, the systems here are not the same as the US. But mostly I have to fight for what is gracious. Are we not to love our neighbor as our self? Are we not called to show unconditional grace? True Grace is very, very, hard to practice but I do believe it's how we are to exhibit the same as Christ. But as far as legal action that's not the way to progress, turn the other cheak in that regard.
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Hi brother, yes, we are called to show God's grace to our neighbours. But just to let you know, God's gift of salvation is ONLY given to those who BELIEVED. God's love also includes discipline. It's only through discipline that we can really know & appreciate God's love and grace. Spare the rod, spoil the child. If your wife does not believe in you and does not get disciplined in love, what would she end up? That is NOT God's love. That is Hollywood's love probably. Your wife is actually disciplining you, brother. If you can see, because maybe you have been indoctrinated by Hollywood's movies, your wife is the leader in your family. She is setting her parameters to make sure you follow her will. That's why her emotional outburst is actually trying to punish you for not following her will.


Sean Miller said:
What she doesn't get is I'm not here to attack her or embarrass her as she's done so often to me, I want to help her, and she agreed on working at making a changes with my help. All that goes out the window soon as she's angry/jellious. How can I be 100% responsible for that?
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Do you have the wisdom to see that your wife is ACTUALLY trying to discipline you?

Sean Miller said:
We know what God says about grace and love, he didn't fight his accuser's before the cross either.
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Our Lord Jesus' suffering on the cross is for His principles and identity. He was accused of blasphemy, claiming Himself to be God. And this led to his crucifixion Are you sure yours is about principles and identity? From what I think, your wife wants you to be monogamous only. She is doing everything in her power to do that. If grace and love require you to deny polygyny in the Bible and to allow your wife to curse God, is that truly God's grace and love? No, it's more like grace and love towards your wife or the secular world only.

Sean Miller said:
Regards to Matt 18:5, I don't see this applys to her actions, she's not really physically abusive to the kids, only a few things in that regard have occured, it's mostly the emotional abuse. And thats not her making the kids stumble, but it is a bad example. I do think another outsider believer speaking with her would be beneficial, as @Keith Martin quoted, to gather 2 more and speak to her.
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Stumbling block does not mean physical abuse only. It can be ANYTHING that constitutes a stumbling block. False doctrine is one. Mental abuse is another. Hollywood's secular idea of love is also one.

Ultimately, what we can do is to give our 2 cents according to our understanding and our experience. What you decide to do is between yourself and the God of the Bible. But if you can't take 100% responsibility for your wives(current and previous), it's going to be impossible for you to have multiple wives living in harmony. Leaders will ultimately get blamed for everything even the ones that are not caused by them. But they still need to take responsibility otherwise they will be fired from the position of leadership. I pray for God's wisdom and strength for you to persevere and do what is right in the eyes of the Lord.
 
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@Sean Miller By the way, the first and greatest commandment is to love the Lord with all your heart, all your mind, all your strength and all your soul. This commandment is even greater than the love your neighbours as yourself. Hope you can see whether your actions are truly about loving the Lord.
 
The Red Pill Movement talks about sh tests, that she will throw at you. These are definitely sh tests. I would like to echo what @steve said, with some nuance. Let her know that if she leaves, she is giving you tacit permission to get a second wife. Don't go after her. She knows where to find you. So the consequences of her running out on you have to be severe, and you will have to follow through on it. In other words, if she leaves one more time, you will start dating a woman. She will test you, and find out that you did what you said that you will do, and oh by the way, you are not going to break up with that woman, simply because she comes running back to you. The act of her leaving you, granted you that permission, and unless things falter between you and your new girlfriend, she will have no choice but to accept the consequences of her actions.
 
Allow me to add on to that the fact that there has to be severe consequences for each and every bad behavior that she exhibits. Red Pill Movement gives you ideas, but you have to be on top of it. It can be tempting for us men, to accept what a woman says, when the reality is that she is only telling you how she feels, at the moment. You cannot partially dominate her. You have to completely dominate her, in order for her to be willing to accept your love for her. refusing to accept your love, is unacceptable, and must be dealt with.
 
Kai T said:
@Sean Miller By the way, the first and greatest commandment is to love the Lord with all your heart, all your mind, all your strength and all your soul. This commandment is even greater than the love your neighbours as yourself. Hope you can see whether your actions are truly about loving the Lord.
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Yes I'm totally aware thats the 1st. As Christ says, we show that love by how we love others, what we do for others we do for Him. Refer to the Lord's prayer, "forgive me, as I forgive those who trespass against me".
 
Daniel DeLuca said:
You have to completely dominate her, in order for her to be willing to accept your love for her. refusing to accept your love, is unacceptable, and must be dealt with.
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That's the tricky part, how do you "deal with it". Being dominate is so often accused as being "controlling" which I don't really care about the world's way in that regard. Domestic disipline is definitely one way but this only works when submitted to, which occurs occasionally. Other forms like, "of you can't talk nice to me the you don't need to be talking to others" so I take the phone away type thing. I'm totally up for other suggestions, please.
 
@steve @Kai T I hear you guys, they feel like low blows but I know your speaking words of direction. Of course I know she's controlling me in the behaviour. The part that messes me up is my love for my kids. I'm wounded already from my 1st doing this, and it was over the same type of thing when she left. I was not enabling her behaviour nor feeding it, but still being loving. Despite that, I love my kids and dont want to lose them. As I mentioned, two of them are not biologically mine but they are just as much part of my family as those who are biological. The other is my biological son.

So kids play a huge factor and my wives know that's the best way to hurt me or get control over me, due to our messed up world.

The whole thing that started this mess last weekend was the fact I was being dominant. I told her to give me the passports and she said they were with a friend. So I said, okay, were going to go get them, get dressed. When we got there and she followed me to the house to hear me being told, the lady didn't have them and she completely lied. I'm order for her to cover up this she created a huge scene in front of this friend and her other "single friends" in the home. I waited outside with a male friend until she calmed down and convinced her to come home. If I left, I'm not sure the result may have been very good. But I know that's where fear takes hold, afraid if I do leave she's going to storm off with the kids. I know fear is not "from the Lord", but I do humbly admit that's where I become weak, in regards to my children. If it was just her and I, I'd walk and wait to see if she came back.
 
Sean Miller said:
That's the tricky part, how do you "deal with it". Being dominate is so often accused as being "controlling" which I don't really care about the world's way in that regard. Domestic disipline is definitely one way but this only works when submitted to, which occurs occasionally. Other forms like, "of you can't talk nice to me the you don't need to be talking to others" so I take the phone away type thing. I'm totally up for other suggestions, please.
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It is definitely tricky and of course it has to be controlling and it has to be tailored to what makes her tick. And you have to pick your battles based on the terrain you are in and opportunities available. That is why it is difficult for anyone to give you advice. Look for ways you can limit her opportunities to run with the kids. Pray for wisdom and discernment and I mean really pray, fasting if you can. God knows her better than you do, He can inspire you. He has helped me in this way on numerous occasions.
 
Hi @Sean Miller,

Sean Miller said:
Yes I'm totally aware thats the 1st. As Christ says, we show that love by how we love others, what we do for others we do for Him. Refer to the Lord's prayer, "forgive me, as I forgive those who trespass against me".
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In Romans 12:19,-21 it says "Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord. 20“BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS UPON HIS HEAD.” 21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." This verse in the New Testament shows that there are some sins that are not worthy of being forgiven(she needs to repent) and if the other person does not ask for forgiveness (even if it's a fake one), you can leave the vengeance to the Lord. What we do is we love our enemies by helping them whenever they are in need.

By the way, domestic discipline can be illegal in some countries. If you do it, you need to seek legal advice. And echoing what @FollowingHim said, there is no need for that. I'm not sure about the dynamics of your relationship with your wife, but you don't have to discipline by spanking or exerting external forces (like beating). A woman's currencies are mostly sex, money, affection and attention. Your presence in her life is already a gift to her. You can discipline by withdrawing your presence too. You must completely dominate or control her FULLY as what @Gary Slaughenhaupt said. In that way, only then you can have peace and harmony in your life.

But I know your personality is not strong enough for that kind of control. You can't fully let go of everything to the Lord. In such cases, you REALLY need to fast and pray to ask the Lord for His strength and guidance. He lifts up the meek and strengthens the weak. What we can do is to give you the general idea but in the end, it's only the Lord who can protect you and the children.

I will leave you with this: “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple. Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple."(Luke 14:26-27)
 
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