Support Advice to move forward

[Timnah]

I've been searching for advice on my situation and I believe you ladies have the unique perspective I'm looking for. Please share your advice if you can. Any guidance is helpful at this point.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. I'll skip most of the details & ask for help dealing with where I am now.

We wrote up & signed a marriage contract based on biblical terms in August 2018. Financially, legal marriage didn't make sense for us and we both agreed a covenant with God was what was important to us anyway.

I became pregnant with our son in December 2019. He was in a cult and his pastor didn't approve of me or our covenant marriage (I don't worship men/pastors/self-proclaimed "prophets" & "apostles", so we didn't get along). When the pastor learned I was pregnant, he told my husband to marry his ex-gf (part of the cult), or God would take his "anointing" away and kill him. The whole church leadership was involved. He legally married the ex-gf 3 days later.

I thought this ended our covenant marriage. He says it didn't and used biblical verses to prove that God honors and blesses both marriages. This is why I'm asking a polygamist group. I can't find biblical evidence to say his legal marriage to her broke our covenant.

Even after the marriage, his cult didn't stop policing his life. His wife would call the pastor's wife daily and report on him (though they couldn't stop him seeing me and our son). They finally forced him to stand in front of the entire congregation and swear to impregnate her (the pastor prophecied twins). He didn't want a physical relationship with her. She had a lot of casual sex with men at her job when they were together & didn't want to have sex with her although he had agreed to legally marry her. He went through with the sex in Feb 2020, but felt so violated, he was finally able to leave the cult. They separated, and he began working on the divorce papers.

We continued our "marriage" and I got pregnant with our daughter.
He didn't see his wife again until Oct 2020, when he told her he filed the divorce and was serving her the copy. He was shocked to see she was 8mos pregnant & their massively emotional argument sent her into early labor. He came home with pics of their newborn son. I was already pregnant, caring for our son, working full time, and he moved back in with her. Our daughter was born in June.

So, unwillingly, I'm living out polygamy. He juggles both families. Even when the divorce finalizes next month, he intends to keep living with her to care for their son. He says she's a good "roommate".

She was aware of our covenant when they married, but believes God will save her marriage and that she is his "anointed wife".

Meanwhile, I'm feeling like an abandoned mistress and it's humiliating. I have a demanding job as an engineer for a big tech company, provide all income for my house & family, parent my 2 teen daughters (one with Type-1 diabetes), and now raise my 2yo son and 5mo old daughter on my own. He visits 1-2x a week. He used to split the week between us, but she admittedly takes waitressing shifts to limit his availability to me & my kids.

Of course, his polygamist family considers me his wife. They say our "church marriage" is more valid than his legal one. They call her "the tick" and are supporting his divorce. His wife has a history of violence, tantrums, alcoholism, and abusive behavior, neglects her children, & BPD, so his parents have supported me to not allow her around my children.

I need advice. How do I navigate this "marriage"? Is this a marriage? Can I "divorce" him from our covenant because he "cheated" by marrying her (he says, biblically, I can't). How do I deal with his relationship with a hostile, manipulative, abusive woman? Really, other than her, our relationship is great. He's my best friend and is very loving, attentive, supportive, and caring. He's a great husband and father when he's here and texts/calls me all day and night when he's not.

If you read this far, thank you! If you have any advice to offer or can answer my questions, please do. Thanks!

 

[MeganC]

First, I will keep you in prayer for God's leadership in your life.

He was in a cult and his pastor didn't approve of me or our covenant marriage (I don't worship men/pastors/self-proclaimed "prophets" & "apostles", so we didn't get along). When the pastor learned I was pregnant, he told my husband to marry his ex-gf (part of the cult), or God would take his "anointing" away and kill him. The whole church leadership was involved. He legally married the ex-gf 3 days later.

Is this the FLDS or another branch of LDS? With the Prophet and Apostle stuff it sounds like it.

Also, if anyone is threatening him or yourself with death then you need to call the police. Regardless of any possible fallout from calling the police you need to make sure these people are stopped from what they're doing.

After that I hate to say but if your husband won't leave the cult then you need to put a lot of miles between him and your family. For your safety and theirs. I say this because some of the most dangerous people in the world are the people who think they're doing the Will of God when all they're doing is protecting the power of some douchebag who think's HE is God.

 

[FollowingHim2]

Hi Timnah, welcome to Biblical Families!

You just jumped right in there with a tricky situation lol, fun stuff!

So, first of all, both marriages are valid. He is married to you. He is married to her. You are all in a plural marriage situation. Divorce of any of those marriages would be unbiblical, hers as well as yours.

Is your husband still involved in the cult? If so, is he planning on removing himself? What is this cult called? Is it a 'Christian' cult? While we can offer advice here, if he's still in a cult then there's not a lot that can be done to change things. That is what needs to be worked on first.

He does not sound like a strong man, and it looks like he needs to do some work on becoming stronger and manning up. You say he is divorcing her, but he seems to be living with her and only sees you 1 - 2 times a week. I don't think he's telling you the whole truth, I think he's telling you what you want to hear in order to keep you happy for the moment.

Regardless of the situation past, present, or future, as a wife what you must do stays the same.

1. Obey him.
2. Submit to him.
3. Provide a home that he wants to come home to.

#3 doesn't mean a perfect house, it means a home. It can be a giant mess because you've been working, you have messy teenagers, and a baby. But when hubby comes in he is loved. You give him a kiss, you can heat up a meal for him, you listen to what he has to say, you take him to bed with you etc.

We have a ladies chat on Monday nights, 7.30pm Eastern time. You're most welcome to join us.

 

[Timnah]

First, I will keep you in prayer for God's leadership in your life.



Is this the FLDS or another branch of LDS? With the Prophet and Apostle stuff it sounds like it.

Also, if anyone is threatening him or yourself with death then you need to call the police. Regardless of any possible fallout from calling the police you need to make sure these people are stopped from what they're doing.

After that I hate to say but if your husband won't leave the cult then you need to put a lot of miles between him and your family. For your safety and theirs. I say this because some of the most dangerous people in the world are the people who think they're doing the Will of God when all they're doing is protecting the power of some douchebag who think's HE is God.

He was so humiliated by them forcing him to sleep with her, he finally left the cult. That was in Feb 2020. The pastor (Dr.Ziga) is a charismatic Pentecostal witch doctor from Nigeria. He mostly uses the church as a money scam. My husband left, but is still afraid to speak negatively about them. He still helps them with their music ministry occasionally.
I tried for years to show my husband that the cult was idol worship, but their brainwashing tactics are very intense. I thank God every day that he's finally free from that mess & won't end up dragging our children into it!

 

[Timnah]

Hi Timnah, welcome to Biblical Families!

You just jumped right in there with a tricky situation lol, fun stuff!

So, first of all, both marriages are valid. He is married to you. He is married to her. You are all in a plural marriage situation. Divorce of any of those marriages would be unbiblical, hers as well as yours.

Is your husband still involved in the cult? If so, is he planning on removing himself? What is this cult called? Is it a 'Christian' cult? While we can offer advice here, if he's still in a cult then there's not a lot that can be done to change things. That is what needs to be worked on first.

He does not sound like a strong man, and it looks like he needs to do some work on becoming stronger and manning up. You say he is divorcing her, but he seems to be living with her and only sees you 1 - 2 times a week. I don't think he's telling you the whole truth, I think he's telling you what you want to hear in order to keep you happy for the moment.

Regardless of the situation past, present, or future, as a wife what you must do stays the same.

1. Obey him.
2. Submit to him.
3. Provide a home that he wants to come home to.

#3 doesn't mean a perfect house, it means a home. It can be a giant mess because you've been working, you have messy teenagers, and a baby. But when hubby comes in he is loved. You give him a kiss, you can heat up a meal for him, you listen to what he has to say, you take him to bed with you etc.

We have a ladies chat on Monday nights, 7.30pm Eastern time. You're most welcome to join us.

I've been dealing with this on my own for so many years. I'm so grateful to have found this group!

I'm most relieved at the validity of our marriage. It means my children were conceived within God's covenant and my feelings of being a "mistress" are unfounded. Thank you!

Their legal divorce will be finalized next month, but I agree he's going to stay "married" to her for the rest of our lives . I believe he's able to divorce her because of her cheating, but I don't believe he'll leave her like he says.
I'm paying the price for it. She slept with 5 or 6 men (that she admitted to) at her work between my first and second pregnancies, and now I have HPV & abnormal cells.

Thinking of myself as his wife and not his mistress/side-chick is probably what I'll need help with most. He's incredibly loving and supportive at home. Always reassuring me that he isn't interested in any kind of separation or divorce from me. I do lose respect for him when he falls for her manipulative tactics. His mom tells me that in their marriage, he's "the wife"... submissive, emasculated, controlled, etc.
I know he comes home as much as possible because he's the husband in our relationship & I treat him with respect. I don't know how to navigate the rest of this though. I'll look for the link to join the chat on Tuesday. Thank you!

 

[AlexaH]

I've been dealing with this on my own for so many years. I'm so grateful to have found this group!

I'm most relieved at the validity of our marriage. It means my children were conceived within God's covenant and my feelings of being a "mistress" are unfounded. Thank you!

Their legal divorce will be finalized next month, but I agree he's going to stay "married" to her for the rest of our lives . I believe he's able to divorce her because of her cheating, but I don't believe he'll leave her like he says.
I'm paying the price for it. She slept with 5 or 6 men (that she admitted to) at her work between my first and second pregnancies, and now I have HPV & abnormal cells.

Thinking of myself as his wife and not his mistress/side-chick is probably what I'll need help with most. He's incredibly loving and supportive at home. Always reassuring me that he isn't interested in any kind of separation or divorce from me. I do lose respect for him when he falls for her manipulative tactics. His mom tells me that in their marriage, he's "the wife"... submissive, emasculated, controlled, etc.
I know he comes home as much as possible because he's the husband in our relationship & I treat him with respect. I don't know how to navigate the rest of this though. I'll look for the link to join the chat on Tuesday. Thank you!

Glad you are here. I will be praying for peace for you.
Alexa

 

[julieb]

Welcome! I am sorry it is under such hard circumstances, though. I will be praying for you and your husband that you will gain the wisdom (and faith) you need to walk in the direction God wants you to go. Trust in Him and let him work it all for good.

 

[Timnah]

I really do appreciate the prayers, but does anyone have practical advice on how to navigate something like this?

How does a woman move forward in a life like this? How do others deal with a mentally-ill, toxic, manipulative co-wife? Kick-boxing classes?

 

[FollowingHim2]

My husband left, but is still afraid to speak negatively about them. He still helps them with their music ministry occasionally.

Someone who leaves a cult, LEAVES a cult. They aren't afraid to speak out about them, and they don't keep helping them with their music ministry. I know people who have left cults, and they need to break all ties. It seems there are still some attachments there for your husband.
Would he be willing to come on BF? There's lots of great stuff to read here, and the men here give great advice.

Their legal divorce will be finalized next month, but I agree he's going to stay "married" to her for the rest of our lives . I believe he's able to divorce her because of her cheating, but I don't believe he'll leave her like he says.
I'm paying the price for it. She slept with 5 or 6 men (that she admitted to) at her work between my first and second pregnancies, and now I have HPV & abnormal cells.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with that, it sounds horrible.
What is the situation now? Is your husband still sleeping with her? Is she still sleeping around? Is she currently disease free?

His mom tells me that in their marriage, he's "the wife"... submissive, emasculated, controlled, etc.
I know he comes home as much as possible because he's the husband in our relationship & I treat him with respect. I don't know how to navigate the rest of this though. I'll look for the link to join the chat on Tuesday. Thank you!

This is what I mean by not very strong, what your mom calls 'the wife'. I think that he could really benefit from talking with the men on here .

I really do appreciate the prayers, but does anyone have practical advice on how to navigate something like this?

How does a woman move forward in a life like this? How do others deal with a mentally-ill, toxic, manipulative co-wife? Kick-boxing classes?

Lol, kick boxing!
Don't let her drag you into her nonsense. Stay strong and stay away. It's ok to create boundaries.
But it's up to your husband to step up and deal with all of this. Like I said above, your job is to create a safe place for him to come home to and to work on the relationship between the two of you.
Keep up communication. Make sure your husband knows how you're feeling and what's going on, but keep it sensible, calm, and practical, not too emotional. If you're a crying screaming wreck begging him to leave his other wife every time he comes home then that's not effective communication, that's controlling and manipulative behaviour (not saying you're doing this, just trying to describe healthy communication in general).
Pray for both your husband and your sisterwife.

Hope to see you on the chat later today!

 

[Tali]

Timnah, I hope that we can be a source of strength and at least a sounding board for you on the women's chat. I know that this might sound trite, but the best bit of advice that I can offer at this point is your drawing so close to the Lord in this whole adventure that you gain His heart for everyone in it, including you. None of this is easy or simple, but seeking the King, His Kingdom and His righteousness is the only key to making it through.