Are these significant incompatibility issues?

[The Revolting Man]

I'm presently speaking with a couple, we are compatible in many ways and I feel we want the same things out of life. At times I feel as though I could easily blend into their family.

A few concerns I have are that I have a very different personality from them both, they're very headstrong, they bicker with each other often which bothers me some and they're loud. I'm more happy-go-lucky and like to laugh but the husband is very serious, he turns everything into a deep discussion. Sometimes I think he's joking about something, but he's not, and when I laugh, he seems slightly offended.

I'm less experienced in relationships, therefore he explains things to me as though I'm a child at times, I'm grateful for the patience but it's also a bit of a turn-off.

They want to rush things and he claims to be in love with me already but I don't have the same feelings yet.

They make wine and have drinks often, I rarely drink.

I'm trying to lose weight, therefore, I'm far more active than they are, they like to relax and watch TV a lot, I don't even have a TV in my home.

I'm slightly more conservative politically and they're too left-leaning for me.

How important are these things really in a marriage?

The bickering is the biggest red flag for me. This is probably indicative of deeper problems.

 

[USDutchkitty]

"Search results" where? Are you both talking about sisterwives.com or something like that?

I cannot recall hearing of any successful plural marriages formed from that website. They may exist, I might even have been told of them and forgotten, but I can't recall any. All the successful plural marriages I can think of met each other through the course of normal life. I do know of successful monogamous marriages who met on other dating sites, so I am certainly not ruling that out, particularly if you're using a specifically Christian site. But if you keep hitting incompatible people @theleastofthese, it really does suggest you may be looking in the wrong place.

In the case of sisterwives and such, yes. Even with what you put the boxes for your search, people will click one thing and then type in their bio differently.

 

[theleastofthese]

They are Christians but I feel as though I'm in a different place than they are with my faith and way of life. Once I got to know them more I noticed these differences becoming more apparent (abortion) being just one example.

Another is that they want "an equal" I think this is where a lot of the bickering comes from, the husband hasn't established himself as the leader of the household. This would be a big deal for me because I couldn't imagine constantly bickering with anyone, particularly my husband, I grew up in such a household and it was exhausting on so many levels.

I met them via social media, this particular couple is the only one I've spoken with seriously about the prospect of joining their marriage. The other couples asked me to come for a visit after only exchanging a few paragraphs.

Children won't be involved on my part but I'm grateful for this advice because it's something to consider if I ever choose to join a larger family. I never considered that the husband could ask a future or current wife to have an abortion, that's noteworthy for sure and an absolute deal breaker.

I'm so grateful for the time everyone took to give me advice, I needed an outside perspective.

 

[Edward]

I agree. Do not marry an unbeliever. Do not.

Me personally, I can't understand a believer supporting abortion.

That is exactly why I say they are an unbeliever, because only a unbeliever will approve of slaughtering preborn babies.

 

[NickF]

Also, I want to encourage you to take heed to Steve's advice. If you're considering a family, spend as much time with them as possible so you see how they treat each other. I know of several poly families where the second or third lived with the family for several months to a year before sealing the deal. It permitted a real getting to know each other in a way that would have been impossible otherwise.

FWIW my wish going forward is that IF God ever sees fit to add to my household, the prospective wife will live next door, nearby, or with us for a time so we can all assess if there is true compatibility before a marriage is consummated. I want to see her at her worst, and for her to see me on my bad days when I'm a pain to live with, not just the fun date night vibes. So that might be something to consider for yourself. Live with the prospective family, or at least work with them all day every day.

 

[Joleneakamama]

The other couples asked me to come for a visit after only exchanging a few paragraphs.

I'm sure that could be off putting, but that might also be the most efficient way to assess the possibilities. You would get to see where and how they live, have time to visit that goes beyond just a meeting, and if they have children you could see them too in their natural environment.

Meeting and visiting with many families might be the best way to get a broader idea of what is out there.

 

[NickF]

I'm sure that could be off putting, but that might also be the most efficient way to assess the possibilities. You would get to see where and how they live, have time to visit that goes beyond just a meeting, and if they have children you could see them too in their natural environment.

Meeting and visiting with many families might be the best way to get a broader idea of what is out there.

This^^^ very much this.

 

[USDutchkitty]

I'm sure that could be off putting, but that might also be the most efficient way to assess the possibilities. You would get to see where and how they live, have time to visit that goes beyond just a meeting, and if they have children you could see them too in their natural environment.

Meeting and visiting with many families might be the best way to get a broader idea of what is out there.

Yes but after a few paragraphs? I know, from my experience, some couples think that “a woman who sounds sane and practical, we have to snatch her up!” But for me, I could not just jump on a plane after that. It took the one couple a year of talking to feel comfortable for a visit. COVID being a part of that but still.

my guard has been constantly up since that visit. Visiting, thinking everything is going great, seeing how the family lives, and when I leave… ghosted.

 

[Joleneakamama]

my guard has been constantly up since that visit. Visiting, thinking everything is going great, seeing how the family lives, and when I leave… ghosted.

I sure don't mean to be mean here, but you kind of made my point. It makes sense to meet in person before you have invested so much time over the course of a year. Things still might not "click," but at least you'll find out sooner and may in the course of meeting a greater number of families find one where there is mutual interest.

 

[Mark C]

I sure don't mean to be mean here, but you kind of made my point. It makes sense to meet in person before you have invested so much time over the course of a year. Things still might not "click," but at least you'll find out sooner and may in the course of meeting a greater number of families find one where there is mutual interest.

Good point. But there are some of us that are simply, by specific intent, 100% off-grid.

I will contend that (while it's clearly a much smaller set) those that would be a suitable helpmeet in our case would have to recognize that as the sole practical option -- eventually.

We won't both leave the animals and homestead, simultaneously, particularly not to travel to a Known Cesspool. (Hopefully any prospective wives would know that, and want the #@[[ out anyway... )

But equally important, not only is polygyny not for everyone (especially not most of the airheads I've seen on sisterwives who wanna "try it 'cause I saw it on TV") but NEITHER is a ranch lifestyle in the mountains.

(Even if, dare I suggest, some may come to a different conclusion shorty after TSHTF...)

There are cases where a visit is the only way to understand the options, and it arguably beats a drink at some bar anyway.

 

[Keith Martin]

I'm presently speaking with a couple, we are compatible in many ways and I feel we want the same things out of life. At times I feel as though I could easily blend into their family.

A few concerns I have . . .

Just finished reading everyone's comments, so I start by thanking y'all for saving me time by writing almost everything I would have. I believe the posts that focused on issues around whether or not you would be willing to choose to permanently, for better or worse, submit yourself to the leadership of this husband were the most spot on.

I do, though, think there's a question for you that is left unasked: are you ready to be married? Not just to become someone's marital partner, but to be a wife and all that entails; are you ready to follow a man's lead no matter where his footsteps take him other than unforeseeable evil? And, if so, are you ready to be a participant in a plural marriage? Risking hurting your feelings, what I've read from you tells me that you're not really ready, which means, even more important than considering a particular couple's red flags, you should maybe be addressing at a deep level what you are prepared to do to ensure that you prevail as a sister wife in a polygynous relationship.

The world is chock full of men eager to add to their stables, and, despite the overabundance of single women, in our current cultural climate the supply of willing poly fillies doesn't come anywhere near to being able to fill the demand. To some extent, men are by nature more prone to knowing what they want more quickly than are women, but it does seem to me like everyone in this particular equation is jumping the gun. That's why @steve's advice (and @NickF's concurrence) represents deep-seated wisdom. Any couple that isn't willing to let you live with them for a while before a relationship is consummated is unlikely to be any less rash about whether to boot your a** out of the household. Conversely, if you're unwilling to invest that kind of 'research' into the possibility of forming a permanent relationship, you may have some of your own soul-searching to conduct before jumping into the fire.

 

[theleastofthese]

Yes but after a few paragraphs? I know, from my experience, some couples think that “a woman who sounds sane and practical, we have to snatch her up!” But for me, I could not just jump on a plane after that. It took the one couple a year of talking to feel comfortable for a visit. COVID being a part of that but still.

my guard has been constantly up since that visit. Visiting, thinking everything is going great, seeing how the family lives, and when I leave… ghosted.

I'm also hesitant to visit right away; I'd air on the side of caution when visiting random people for safety reasons alone. Also, I have family obligations, a job, and tech school that I can't just leave for months at a time at the moment.

I do like the suggestion of visiting for a while once I find a fit, but that will be after taking my time. I typically just jump to the deal-breaker conversations first, which is why I never speak with people for very long. However, not everyone is forthcoming; this couple didn't seem as left-leaning at the beginning, but it began to show more over time.

For what it's worth, I highly doubt your being ghosted had anything to do with you personally. Sometimes the reality of having another woman in the picture hits too hard, and I can imagine it's a lot of emotion for the couple to deal with. There are definitely some serious people out there, i'm sure you will find the right ones.

Just finished reading everyone's comments, so I start by thanking y'all for saving me time by writing almost everything I would have. I believe the posts that focused on issues around whether or not you would be willing to choose to permanently, for better or worse, submit yourself to the leadership of this husband were the most spot on.

I do, though, think there's a question for you that is left unasked: are you ready to be married? Not just to become someone's marital partner, but to be a wife and all that entails; are you ready to follow a man's lead no matter where his footsteps take him other than unforeseeable evil? And, if so, are you ready to be a participant in a plural marriage? Risking hurting your feelings, what I've read from you tells me that you're not really ready, which means, even more important than considering a particular couple's red flags, you should maybe be addressing at a deep level what you are prepared to do to ensure that you prevail as a sister wife in a polygynous relationship.

The world is chock full of men eager to add to their stables, and, despite the overabundance of single women, in our current cultural climate the supply of willing poly fillies doesn't come anywhere near to being able to fill the demand. To some extent, men are by nature more prone to knowing what they want more quickly than are women, but it does seem to me like everyone in this particular equation is jumping the gun. That's why @steve's advice (and @NickF's concurrence) represents deep-seated wisdom. Any couple that isn't willing to let you live with them for a while before a relationship is consummated is unlikely to be any less rash about whether to boot your a** out of the household. Conversely, if you're unwilling to invest that kind of 'research' into the possibility of forming a permanent relationship, you may have some of your own soul-searching to conduct before jumping into the fire.

I feel as though I am ready, but I am in no rush at the same time, I do have other obligations I need to attend to first. But you're correct, I can always use more soul-searching. I've taken the last year to really work on my relationship with Yah and study scripture; this is what led me to the desire to be a godly wife. I'm going to take my marriage very seriously, which is why these issues are so important to me to begin with.

 

[USDutchkitty]

I sure don't mean to be mean here, but you kind of made my point. It makes sense to meet in person before you have invested so much time over the course of a year. Things still might not "click," but at least you'll find out sooner and may in the course of meeting a greater number of families find one where there is mutual interest.

True but it was a lot of heartbreak

I'm also hesitant to visit right away; I'd air on the side of caution when visiting random people for safety reasons alone. Also, I have family obligations, a job, and tech school that I can't just leave for months at a time at the moment.

I do like the suggestion of visiting for a while once I find a fit, but that will be after taking my time. I typically just jump to the deal-breaker conversations first, which is why I never speak with people for very long. However, not everyone is forthcoming; this couple didn't seem as left-leaning at the beginning, but it began to show more over time.

For what it's worth, I highly doubt your being ghosted had anything to do with you personally. Sometimes the reality of having another woman in the picture hits too hard, and I can imagine it's a lot of emotion for the couple to deal with. There are definitely some serious people out there, i'm sure you will find the right ones.


I feel as though I am ready, but I am in no rush at the same time, I do have other obligations I need to attend to first. But you're correct, I can always use more soul-searching. I've taken the last year to really work on my relationship with Yah and study scripture; this is what led me to the desire to be a godly wife. I'm going to take my marriage very seriously, which is why these issues are so important to me to begin with.

oh yeah, when I talk and we get to the “dealbreaker “ questions. I’m like “Help me Lord, this is hard” because I have Crohn’s and live with an ostomy bag. People seem to think people with ostomies can’t be active and such and I go “No, this was a life or death situation. I just can’t get too hot or my wafer that sticks to my skin might try to come off! I rather have the bag and some minor limitations than be in bed, always in pain.” I am not saying everyone is this way but I have talked into to many people that seem to want someone to is “turn key ready “. Like a house ready to move in, no problems but with a person. So that makes my search even harder.

 

[NBTX11]

and when I leave… ghosted.

I don't understand people that ghost. I have never ghosted anyone and never will. Just man or woman up and tell the other person/family that you're not interested or whatever the problem is. You won't die and neither will they. Ghosting to me is a cowardly way out.

 

[PeteR]

they want "an equal" I think this is where a lot of the bickering comes from, the husband hasn't established himself as the leader of the household.

There's the major upcoming fail point... he's not the leader. Without him leading, there will be major problems.

 

[theleastofthese]

True but it was a lot of heartbreak

oh yeah, when I talk and we get to the “dealbreaker “ questions. I’m like “Help me Lord, this is hard” because I have Crohn’s and live with an ostomy bag. People seem to think people with ostomies can’t be active and such and I go “No, this was a life or death situation. I just can’t get too hot or my wafer that sticks to my skin might try to come off! I rather have the bag and some minor limitations than be in bed, always in pain.” I am not saying everyone is this way but I have talked into to many people that seem to want someone to is “turn key ready “. Like a house ready to move in, no problems but with a person. So that makes my search even harder.

I'm sorry you're struggling, I pray you'll find the right family.

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

I'd like to thank everyone for taking the time to give me advice and for giving me some things to think about!

The political issues are only a big deal to me because I'm anti-abortion, they think women should have the right to choose. The rest of their left-leaning views I can get over and even agree with at times. The main issue is that I see them differently after learning they're pro-choice, I'm not sure I can commit to a family who holds that view.

As far as feeling heard, sometimes I feel as though the husband is pushy, and when I state that I'm uncomfortable with certain things he seems to back off for a little then begins pushing again.

I agree that the main red flag is how they are rushing things, sadly this seems to be the norm when I speak to families.

Yeah it is a bad tendency for families where the prospects of finding a second wife seem a bit daunting, so it is a bad tendency on the man's part to start getting desperate. He is hoping that by offering you love, which he believes is a need that you have, it will be the selling point. He knows that you have other options though, and that is a bit scary.

I absolutely LOVE your stance on abortion! As the 2nd of 6 children, I grew up in a staunchly pro-life home (Bill Gothard regulars). For all of BG's faults, he did have a positive impact on the Evangelical community when it comes to some of these family related political issues.

 

[MeganC]

I'm presently speaking with a couple, we are compatible in many ways and I feel we want the same things out of life. At times I feel as though I could easily blend into their family.

A few concerns I have are that I have a very different personality from them both, they're very headstrong, they bicker with each other often which bothers me some and they're loud. I'm more happy-go-lucky and like to laugh but the husband is very serious, he turns everything into a deep discussion. Sometimes I think he's joking about something, but he's not, and when I laugh, he seems slightly offended.

I'm less experienced in relationships, therefore he explains things to me as though I'm a child at times, I'm grateful for the patience but it's also a bit of a turn-off.

They want to rush things and he claims to be in love with me already but I don't have the same feelings yet.

They make wine and have drinks often, I rarely drink.

I'm trying to lose weight, therefore, I'm far more active than they are, they like to relax and watch TV a lot, I don't even have a TV in my home.

I'm slightly more conservative politically and they're too left-leaning for me.

How important are these things really in a marriage?

I am not going to repeat what has already been stated here.

But I will say that I think you'd do much better attending a BF meetup and getting to meet some wonderful people. Both as living examples of what this life can be and because who knows? You might click with a family. Or you might eventually be introduced to a good family.

Way back when I was looking at this life I visited with a few people and I mean these were just visits. If I had warning bells then I said my goodbyes and that was that.

With the family I joined I first moved in and lived with them a bit more than a month before anything got serious. They got to know me and I got to know them. And then we decided to go from there.

In any case, what you see in person is sometimes much different than what you expected.

Me personally, I can't understand a believer supporting abortion.

That's not just you.