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Are you a second, third or other wife?

sweetlissa

sweetlissa

Member
Real Person
Female
I am second wife. I think it would be good for us to share our experiences. Personally I think we could all learn from each other's experiences. I think First wives should get to hear how it is/was for us additional wives and I think it would be good for us additional wives to know how it was for the first wives. I believe it could have the effect of strenghtening the bonds we share.

So I will start. I have been second wife to Pastor Randy and Theresa for less than a year. For me it has been very challenging. They have been married for many many years and have routines that fit them. I am a stranger and my ways are not their ways. We have all had to make adjustments. At times I get jealous because they can finish each other's sentances and they have private jokes that they have had for years. At times I feel like Theresa is the dearest friend I could have. Sometimes the secrecy of our life has left me pretty depressed. But other times the excitment is almost too much to bear.

I have always been emotional and that has been one of my biggest challenges. I am fast learning to guard my tongue and to use logic instead of emotion. I have come to respect Theresa because she has been very brave in accepting the truth of God's word and in welcoming me into the family.

We have lived in separate homes all the time we have been together but when we all get to our new home we hope that many of the challenges will ease up. We also know there will be new challenges with 2 adult women sharing the same house. But since I am not a devoted homemaker, I am happy to let Theresa do what she loves most, be a homemaker.

I rambled. Hope someone else will too.

Lissa
 
Hi, I am second wife to "Pastor." This is all new to me. This is my first visit on the site. I have never been married before, nor did even dream I would ever marry a married man. This was not my plan. We are in our first year now & still have our moments & questions of how this ideally works. What is it like to have children in a plural marriage? How do you let your parents know of your choice in marriage?
 
You ask tough questions. Actually we are only part way through the informing process. They have adult children. Two of the three have been informed and the other should be informed next week when he is home. They are raising two of their grandkids. Our plan is for the three of us to work together to raise these kids. I have not told my immediate family yet because they are not a day to day part of my life. I have told my best friends and those that love me, love me anyway. That is kind of the way I have to be about it. I know what I know to be true and if any one wants to hate it they can. I can't force my views on them. The people who love me, love me anyway. The ones that don't, they can't matter to me anymore. It is just hard when you think about feeling that way about parents and siblings.

I have never been blessed with children of my own, however I have grandchildren through stepkids that I adore. I plan to tell the parents of the ones I am closest too here in the next month or so. It will determine how close I get to be to them. I can only pray that God preserves the important relationships and gives me strength to exist without the unimportant ones.
 
I wish that there was some method to be followed in plural marriage. Some book you could read that talks about plural marriage in todays society and how to be successful in it. I guess that any marriage book is helpful, you just have to adjust things a bit. LIke, date nights, "this week is yours and the next week mine." Or who does the husband pay attention to once he gets home? The first wife, the second wife, the children.... Marriage is hard enough with two adults and a few children. What an undertaking it is to have several adults and many more children (at times) to deal with. Yet, it is the same basic biblical truths we must walk in for many other things in our lives. Whether you are the first, second or fourth wife of a man you must set your heart in showing God's character to your family members and give them a chance to do the same.

I personally have a hard time writting or sharing my experiences about plural marriage. As Lissa said, it is challenging to say the least. More for others than some but we all will have things brought up in us that challenge our personallity, our way of thinking about ourselves and families and even our spiritual beliefs. This is not neccessarily a bad thing but it is something that takes courage. Because of that I find it hard to adequately convey my thoughts, without great emotion, on the first several years of becoming a plural family. Yet I know that I would have liked to have someone talk with me regarding polyamy at that time (and even now!) to help me make sense of it all. That is exactly what this site is all about. So, I want to share what I can even my mess ups so that others can learn and be encouraged.

Shepherdgirl, telling your family is a big hurdle for most. Unless you have some amazing family that studies the Bible day and night, you will have a problem with them. I have come to embrace patience in regard to this. My family wanted to do an intervention for me, I later found out, after bashing Nathan and telling me that I was a desperate deceived women didn't work to get me out of there. They no longer allowed my husband to visit in their homes but expected me to come and see them in theirs. Since of course they could not come to mine, it would be too difficult for them to be there. Nathan's parents were the exception. They were very upset with us but families deal with the bad just as they deal with the good...together. It has taken my side of the family several years to come to that. It took my sister 10 years to finally come and visit me and meet Nathan's other wife and children. It was a difficult thing for her still but she understands that my life will not change for her wishing it to. I was very proud of her. Our family decided to meet our relatives as best we could on their terms. I would go and visit so my son could know his grandparents and they him. I had to learn to stand up for Nathan and my choices on every visit. It was hard at times but it gave them all a chance to see that I was "okay". God has restored much of our relationship over the last several years. Nathan and my whole family is now welcome in both my mothers and fathers(divorced) houses. At the beginning of our plural adventure God told me that if I would let my family go and follow my husband, He would one day restore them to me in even a closer relationship than I had at the time. I can say that that has come true. I appreciate and love them but I relate to them on a more mature level than I did before.

I encourage you to tell your family as soon as you can, so you can start letting God work on their hearts and yours. It will take time so why not start now? It eliminates a lot of hiding also. :) I would love to share about the children issue but should probably do it another time.

Hope for the future,
Julieb
 
Thank you for your thought on this chosen lifestyle. The thought of letting my Mother know about my marriage is intimidating. She already hates my husband's guts & she doesn't even know we are married (unofficially). She has run my husband's name & reputation through the mud as it is. She came up with terrible accusations & spread them all around to friends, local churches, she even went to the police. (The accusations were not true) Our husband eventually stepped down from his pastorship, because of the trouble that was caused. Our family owns two christian bookstores, we are actually concerned she would put us out of business. If you have any wisdom you could offer we'd appreciate it! Thank you so much,
Shepherdgirl
 
My heart goes out to you. I can only relate on a small scale to what dread and fear your mother is producing in your family. I was asked to step down from leading a MOPS small group after a call was made to the church where it was being held at received about my family. We had only been a plural family a little more than a year when it happened. I was angry and afraid of what everyone thought about me. The caller was later found out to be Nathan's second wifes mother. She is sorta like yours. Take courage and remind yourself of the truth you know and the vision you have for your family. Be kind to your mother where ever you can..."heaping burning coals on his head..."(Prov. 25:21-22) The hardest thing is to show Gods love when all you want to do is clobber them. Is your mother a Christian? Ironicly, it is harder to deal with Christians than non Christians on this matter. I believe it is a spiritual deception regarding our marriage relationships in the church that has Christians react so aggressively to our beliefs. It will get better, mainly because you will become stronger! I will certainly keep you in my prayers. I would hate to see your family's business be destroyed over this. Do you have anyone who you have told that reacted well?

Hope for the future,
JulieB
 
Ironically, I am in the opposite place. Most of my family are not believers and I worry about their reaction culturally. I can argue it scripturally and be confident there, but culturally I am hopeless. They will all believe that I am desperate, and they honestly won't care of the truth. I may never make my Christian sister agree with me but I can certainly show here where I believe I am following God and not "living in sin".

My mother is a feminist through and through and I am unsure how she will react. She has already told me that she doesn't think I should rush to be with Randy in our new home. She thinks that at my age (middle age) I should be standing on my own feet rather than following after a man. She will never understand or accept Patriachal anything.

Oh well, I have lived my life never having her approval. This time it is God's approval followed by my husband's and my sisterwife's that matter.

I am so glad to have you all to talk to.

Lissa
 
Hi Lissa,your mum sounds a lot like mine. One thing I've definatly found is that it's nearly impossible to guess how people are going to react, christians and non belivers alike. I really thought my dad would hit the roof and my mum would be upset at first then accept that I was happy. But my dad got over the shock and tried hard to get use to the idea, my mum, who like yours is a strong feminist, said I was imorral and that I was no better than a prostitute ( she decided I'd chosen the relationship because my partner wasn't poor). She has gone on for years about how I'm going to end up on my own incable of looking after myself because my job and home all depended on our relationship. When we did start trying to recover some ground she said one of the hardest things had been that I had hidden what I was doing from her and she felt lied to ( I never once lied, just didn't offer to inform). I wish that we had told our families sooner, I didn't realise how long it was going to take to start healing all the hurt.

I've found most people I've told to are amused and curious, but I still find it difficult to tell others, I try and tell myself if they're real friend then they'd accept it but the worry of regection still makes it hard.

It really great to have somewhere to talk about all this, looking forward to chatting more.

Beth
 
Hi Beth
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am going through the process with my sisters right now. My older sister is a nonbeliever and had some very harsh things to say. She says that she won't have her children exposed to my life and that she believes that there is now nothing I won't do, no line I won't cross. My younger sister is a believer and she claims I have plunged her into a cesspool. I want to tell my parents, but I want to do it in person and they live 1000 miles from me. So I will have to work that out because we have no time off from our new jobs to take a vacation and go tell the folks.

I am also glad that this board and you women are all here. It makes me feel less alone right now. Blessings Beth.

Lissa
 
Hi, it must be hard having your family so far away, I hope your sisters will given time accept your choices.

It can be lonly can't it, it suprised me that I can feel lonely with people around all the time, but I do. I have friends, I go out and I'm really busy but the only person I can realy talk to is my partner and finding time for each other is difficult.His first wife and I get on fine but it feels like we hold each other at a distance. I wish we could be close like you are but she's made it clear that she doesn't really want this and I'm just grateful for the way she's been so supportive, she's wonderful with my daughter.

I found it hard coming into their home when they'd been together for so long, and I got the full 'wicked step-mother' treatment from their eldest son. I knew it must be hard on him even before we told them he just hated me being in his life, it really tested my resolve on a number of occations. It's tough coming into a family, I felt like an outsider for a long time, fitting in round each other and trying to find what was the best way for us I suppose is an ongoing proccess even after nearly 10 years, but maybe all relationships are like that, I don't know?

Beth
 
Beth
Thanks for the compassion. I appreciate it more than you know. I had a rough day at work and was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I go to my computer and up pop your kind words and understanding. One of the reasons we created this website and are working on the retreats is so that people like us won't have to feel alone anymore. Yesterday afternoon I went out with a girlfriend who is also part of a polygamous family. We have a lot in common and we talk a lot, but yesterday we went and had our nails done and just "bonded". I know she is lonely, and I am too. Sometimes it isn't even Randy that can satisfy the lonliness. That is one of the reasons that poly is attractive to me. My friends are very important to me. There are some things men are just not good at. For Theresa and me, it seems that the friendship will work because we have decided that we want it to. Today was such a great day for her and me. We aren't all living together yet, but we try to talk a lot. We have family share phones so that keeping in touch isn't hard or expensive. Usually, I call Theresa during my hour commute home. It is time to just talk about the day, about Randy and girl stuff. Today, I worked late. So I didn't call at my normal time. She called me, just because she missed me and it made my heart feel good that she missed me. Beth, I would like it very much if you would just take a bit of time each day to pray about your relationship with his first wife. God answers prayer. He wants us to have good relationships. Just try it for a while and always do what you know is right. Soon, I believe you will see little improvements.

I will be praying for you as well.
Lissa
 
Lissa
Thank-you. Sometimes it just need someone to look in at a situation to see the obvious, I haven't been praying about our relationship.

I've been so wrapped up in other things going on in our lives and just grateful that we are getting on that it hadn't crossed my mind to do so. I also spoke to my partner about it he said that she holds everyone at a distance even him and has done all her life, that in fact I'm as close to her as anyone, so I will pray about it and see what happens, but maybe I will have to accept the level that she is comfortable on. As I said we've been together for nearly 10 years, through huge highs and lows maybe now is the right time for us to work on this, her children are both adults and the help and support she's given me as a new mum has given me a renewed sense of respect for her and I've been so glad she's around. Plus talking with the women on here had made me feel much more positive.

Thank-you for saying you'll pray that means a lot :)
Beth
 
Beth,
I think that you and I could/can learn a lot from each other. I look forward to our friendship.

Lissa
 
Well Happy Mother's Day to everyone. I have only ever been a stepmom, and for the most part my stepkids ignore me, but that is okay. I know the work I have done with them and I need to get my satisfaction from God and no one else.

My sisters have not really spoken to me in several weeks. I guess it is my job to call them, but seems backwards for me to call them so they can tell me everything bad they want to tell me. So to be truthfull, I find other things to do. It hurts to know that they disapprove of me, but truthfully, they are not a daily part of my life and their absense isn't really noticed all that often.

I am very grateful to the women on this board. They have strengthened me to get through to the next stage in my life.

Lissa
 
Lissa,

I am sorry to hear your sisters haven't been able to reach out to you even admist their disapproval. But as you know most changes take a long time to make. I hope school is going well regardless. My family is in that last week panic before the retreat at our house next weekend. :) We are looking forward to seeing you and your family again and all the rest who will be coming.

I just realized that I never properly introduced myself in introductions or this topic. Sorry, about that. For those who are keeping track....I am Nathan's first wife, we have been married 20 years and have a 12 year old son, Noah. We live in FL and will be hosting the Memorial Day Retreat. I am praying for low humidity and a breeze for next weekend!

With hope for the future,
Julieb
 
Julie
I am also looking forward to next weekend. I told T tonight and I will tell you too... please just tell me what to do. I am awful at helping unless you give me a task. I don't care what it is, just don't make me figure it out for myself in a strange home and kitchen. I want to help so much but feel in the way most of the time.

School is crazy and I should be working on my paper right now instead of posting. Shhhh don't tell Randy.

See ya'll next weekend.

Yahoooooooooo

Lissa
 
How did it go? i.e. the retreat??
If we lived closer we probably would have been in fellowship with you this last weekend.
I hope all went well. What do you think of posting a portrait portfolio of the event online?
Just a thought.
Hannah
 
The retreat was wonderful. It was well attended and everyone had a great time. JulieB worked her tail off. I am sure Nathan will post a link to pictures soon. He usually does.

I am sorry you couldn't make it. I hope you will try to come to the Dallas one. We will be hosting it.

Lissa
 
Hi Ladies,

I am brand new to this site, but not new to the concept. It is so good to read the posts and get an "insider's" point of view. It seems the media has more than done its share of bashing and criticizing certain beliefs and practices which they know nothing about.

I would like to say that, even though I don't know any of you, I truly ache(d) as you ache, whether caused by family or supposed friends, or by life's circumstances dealing you a rough hand. It seems that the hardships always come with the good, but good can also come from the hardships. I guess that's sinful humanity in all its glory.

I also rejoice seeing you rejoice, whether by relational successes or interpersonal joys coming through. It has been enlightening, encouraging, and inspiring to read real-time, real life autobiographies unfold. I only hope to be as such to others with my (future) experiences and testimony.

Thank you ladies for being so vulnerable and honest. This site is a great educational tool for both me and my husband as we learn of what God's will and timing is for our lives - and you have been a part of it.

I hope to soon call you all my sisters and confidantes who share a common interest.

I was inspired by these verses below, considering the circumstances in my life. I hope you find them helpful as well.

All for now.

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." Psalms 31:24
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"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?" Romans 8:35
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