Dealing with the girlfriend

[julieb]

At the Women's retreat we started talking about how to deal with our husbands "dating" or "courting" other ladies. I thought it would be a good topic to discussion on the forums. So, how have you dealt with the issue of your husband texting, calling and skyping another lady? And if you are close in location, how do you manage the spending time with her?

There are really no right or wrong answers...each family must figure out what works best for them. I would be interested to know how involved you as a wife want to be at the beginning. For me I don't really want to know much until things are a bit more serious but I know some ladies want to be involved a lot from the beginning. Why would one way be better for you than another?

If this is all theroy still for you, tell us how you "think" you would like it to go and why.

 

[Joleneakamama]

I guess I'm poly at heart

Hmm years ago he had a girlfriend, and the rumors flew around our small town!
No one could fathom a wife being OK with the time they spent together, and all the help he gave her most folks figured implied a much closer then friendship relationship.

Then after almost ten years of no one being interested in us, I met someone this year who was different, and wonderful in every way. I'm sure it would all be different with someone else, but I do know when you believe it's right, it's very easy to love someone and treat them as part of the family.

I was quite involved in the beginning, as hubby doesn't like typing or chatting, and I met her online. As soon as I got them talking on the phone I let them develop their own relationship as much as possible. I was always encouraged by the time they spent on the phone. I really didn't expect to be so impressed and without reservations about someone, that was a surprise for me, though a pleasant one.
When she came for a visit, I enjoyed the time they were around, and the times they went out. I was never jealous, only wondered how it was all going to turn out.

It turns out not everyone who likes the idea of having a poly family, and is capable of living it, is willing to rock the boat, make that choice and risk alienating the family they were born into. So even with things seeming perfect from our side, it was not a doable thing for her.
I'm thankful given how things have turned out that God gave me no shortage of small witnesses that He had His hand in it all. I can say for sure I am OK with whatever purpose He had in us meeting.
I just have to remind myself frequently that if I knew what He knows, I would want things just as He has them.
It's easier on the good days.
I guess I could have stopped while I was ahead, and before I ever knew this kind of heartache, but then I wouldn't have known something so wonderful was possible. Knowing it IS possible makes it harder to have it still an unrealized dream, but hope springs eternal, and I know that all things work together for good to them that love the Lord.
So for now I am just living, and waiting for God, in His time, to work the changes I know are inevitable.

 

[kimberlymars9]

My thoughts to this would be I would feel weird hearing him talk to her, and skype with her but the texting would not bother me I don't believe because then I would not necessarily know or think about it. I am not really sure how I would deal with it but I am sure it is easier to know once you have been through that.

My husband and I have talked about how involved I would be. I prefer to know there is someone so I don't worry so much about him when he is not home at the normal time. He says he will let me know if that ever happens and as far as being involved though, I don't want to be involved unless he is getting serious and wants to know my opinion and if we mesh well together. I think that is the thing with the two women they need to have some sort or friendship or at least chemistry so that they can work, but if the woman is not for it then that might be an issue.

 

[sharonr]

Hey, we only have been know ing about polygany for like 1 year 1/2. Its been a ride for me, at first not so fun, but now its crazy fun. The more I accepted the idea the more I felt comfortable with him talking to me about other girls, like the ones he's attracted to, or the ones he wants to approach. I want him to feel comfortable, the more I'm comfortable the more he seems to be comfortable. He always was telling me about the conversations, he had while texting. One girl he was texting and finally talking on the phone. The phone situation seemed more realer in my face, because as I heard the conversation, I started having real feelings come out. "My feelings were that of like this is a little different/strange but cool"But that specific girl I actually talked to on the phone, she said she most likely couldn't handle being in a polygamous family. It's not a modern idea.
Just recently my husband told a girl straight out that he believed in polygany. But nothing has ever gotten serious, so I try not to get my hopes up and kinda distance my mind away from a girl being a serious candidate for our family. At first I took every girl he chatted with as a serious candidate, didnt like that, because my feelings get involved.
I have dreams of polygany, you know like fantizing if my husband was with another girl and I see myself having certain jealousies, that I know I need to overcome. I like the fact of an open relation, like how he shares how he feels about certain girls, nothing is hidden, but I know he doesn't have to share everything." It's fun though I'm not gonna lie."

 

[pmwife]

The first time my hubby started talking to another woman was my idea. She was my very best friend and we had all known each other for many years. They would spend time together when she was here and to us it was as if she was already a member of our family they just needed to make it official. She would talk to both of us and when he felt like he was falling in love with her he came to me and we talked about it. The weekend we went to purchase a ring for her she told us she was not coming home. She had been diagnosed with a terminal brain disease and refused to allow us to watch her die. We tried for many months to convince her that we loved her unconditionally and that by shutting us out she robbed us of the blessing of loving her through the scariest moments in her life. It took several months to grieve for her and she has gone on to be with the Lord now.

I say all of this to say. My husband and I are a team. He is currently talking to a lady I like very much. He has made it clear to her that he is hurting and still mourning the loss of his 2nd wife. He explained that they could get to know each other but that he was not interested in courting at this time. She is a lovely woman and she and I speak on a daily basis. I wish she were closer but since she is a few thousand miles from home it will be at least spring maybe summer before she is able to come to visit.

We pray about the friendship we are developing with her and she has committed to praying with us. We pray for guidance mostly and I know that if God has her planned to be my Sister Wife she will be in time. As far as my feelings about them texting and talking.... I have NO problems with it at all. Sometimes it's a little much for him and he has even asked me if he should keep talking to her. I just have to tell him to pray about it because that is not my decision to make.
Yes I miss my SW with all my heart. I want another. I miss that bond. I pray that God will bring someone into our lives that will bless us and that we can bless in return!