Today, in a stunning announcement with a two-fold purpose, BiblicalFamilies.org said that they have declared war on the Russian Federation. "It's not like we started it", said Nathan Bender, BiblicalFamilies.org director. "Their spammers have been targeting our forum for over a month now, and we definitely felt the need to defend ourselves, and were considering how we might go about that - when we read an article about the surplus of intelligent, attractive women in Russia. We don't have to time to link to it, I'm sure you can Topeka it yourself. Some of us just happened to be studying Deuteronomy 21:10-14 that day, and we put two and two and two together - and well, we're hoping that adds up to seven (Isaiah 4:1)".
In the press release that declared war, and was sent to all major press organizations (which seem to be having technical difficulties today, but hopefully the declaration will be a Drudge headline by this afternoon), Biblical Families pointed out that their expectations were not unrealistic. "We don't expect to occupy Moscow, I hope to be home long before Winter hits with a spammer's scalp and a wife or two, no siege for us", said staff member 'Doc' (aka duelingbanjos - who was uncharacteristically silent when asked to explain his 'handle'). Other Biblical Families members who have signed up for duty were hopeful that war-time footing would allow them to bypass normal immigration hassles, though several expressed concerns about coming home with a wife with a shaved head. "It worked for me once, but I'm not too keen on it on for my wives", said newly promoted Field General DukeOfMarshall, who when asked how his new appointment would affect his pending nuptials replied "Wait, don't I get a year off?" and cited Deuteronomy 24:5.
Talk of a BF draft was put to rest when it was realized that the fine print (1-point text) in the Biblical Families forum-signup agreement meant that every able-bodied or feeble-minded male that had a forum handle had already volunteered for foreign excursions. Members can expect their report-for-duty emails within 24 hours, assigning them to a commandeered cruise ship ("OK, we haven't actually done that - they'll have to commandeer it themselves when they get to Miami", said Bender, "hopefully we'll have someone with some navigation skills, it would be a shame to invade Costa Rica by mistake"), which will sail for Odessa on July 13th. "We already had the July retreat planned, it seems like a good time to build up some war enthusiasm". Weapons training, spammer hacking, military drinking songs, and bridal acquisition will be taught on the invasion cruise. "We're still looking for the best Russian translations for 'you are all our captives now' and 'can I cover you with the corner of my blanket?' "
"Should the war on Russia prove unsuccessful, awareness of the pressing issues surrounding war brides will at least have been raised, and if we comport ourselves with dignity during retreat, perhaps we can look forward to some smaller countries surrendering themselves in the future without a fight, in order to provide for their widows and orphans and single mothers."
Members (from now on to be known as 'soldiers in the great cause') were advised to 'Go put on your armor now (Ephesians 6:11) and see how it fits!'
In the press release that declared war, and was sent to all major press organizations (which seem to be having technical difficulties today, but hopefully the declaration will be a Drudge headline by this afternoon), Biblical Families pointed out that their expectations were not unrealistic. "We don't expect to occupy Moscow, I hope to be home long before Winter hits with a spammer's scalp and a wife or two, no siege for us", said staff member 'Doc' (aka duelingbanjos - who was uncharacteristically silent when asked to explain his 'handle'). Other Biblical Families members who have signed up for duty were hopeful that war-time footing would allow them to bypass normal immigration hassles, though several expressed concerns about coming home with a wife with a shaved head. "It worked for me once, but I'm not too keen on it on for my wives", said newly promoted Field General DukeOfMarshall, who when asked how his new appointment would affect his pending nuptials replied "Wait, don't I get a year off?" and cited Deuteronomy 24:5.
Talk of a BF draft was put to rest when it was realized that the fine print (1-point text) in the Biblical Families forum-signup agreement meant that every able-bodied or feeble-minded male that had a forum handle had already volunteered for foreign excursions. Members can expect their report-for-duty emails within 24 hours, assigning them to a commandeered cruise ship ("OK, we haven't actually done that - they'll have to commandeer it themselves when they get to Miami", said Bender, "hopefully we'll have someone with some navigation skills, it would be a shame to invade Costa Rica by mistake"), which will sail for Odessa on July 13th. "We already had the July retreat planned, it seems like a good time to build up some war enthusiasm". Weapons training, spammer hacking, military drinking songs, and bridal acquisition will be taught on the invasion cruise. "We're still looking for the best Russian translations for 'you are all our captives now' and 'can I cover you with the corner of my blanket?' "
"Should the war on Russia prove unsuccessful, awareness of the pressing issues surrounding war brides will at least have been raised, and if we comport ourselves with dignity during retreat, perhaps we can look forward to some smaller countries surrendering themselves in the future without a fight, in order to provide for their widows and orphans and single mothers."
Members (from now on to be known as 'soldiers in the great cause') were advised to 'Go put on your armor now (Ephesians 6:11) and see how it fits!'
you are too much. You didn't have to sign your name to this. I knew it was you just by reading this. Ive' known you for years now, and you are the funniest person I know. What made this so funny was imagining you saying this in your hill billy accent. I think you ought to be the leader of this redneck special forces.
