Finding common ground with my daughter's birth mom

[Mikki G.]

Been there, bought some land and set up a homestead for awhile. There's no difference between not trying and failing. When I got out the Army I was terrified of being a civilian. Long story short I ended up spending 2 years on our farm leaving maybe a dozen times because I was afraid of not being able to properly interact with people. During those 2 years I failed everyone, My wife, my children, myself, and God. All because I let fear convince me not to try.

Galatians 1:10

Am I now trying to win the approval of people or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be the Messiah's servant.

Fear of failure goes hand in hand with our fear of how others will perceive us. The good thing about fear is when He guides us to over come it, He is glorified.

Yeah it's hard for sure

 

[Mikki G.]

I have a couple questions, observations, points of view, etc. I come from a "broken " home and over the years have had several step-dads until the last one whom i call Dad and always will.

• What does your husband say in all of this? Unless i skipped it, i see nothing in here about his position in this.
• I disagree with the sentiment that your daughter needs her birth mom in her life. She really doesn't. If, when she gets older, she wants to go find her birth-mom, then great. But right now, she is still highly impressionable. She needs you and your husband to be mom and dad, not this other lady that keeps floating in and out of her life like a leaf on the breeze.
• If your husband has sole custody, why does he allow her back in whenever she wants?
• it's ok (not good, just 'ok') to not want to say anything bad about her birth mom, but you do need to tell the truth when it's relevant, and not the sugar-coated kind either.
• Look at it this way: if you keep telling her that her birth mom loves her and cares for her but then sees what she's doing, she is going to associate "this is what good moms who love and care for their kids do, they leave them with other people". That's not ok. She needs to learn that this is not what good moms do. Good moms stick around and are there when you need them. Good moms get things done and show their daughters how to get things done. Good moms are like you, not that other lady.

With Love and Respect ~~

My husband thinks of her birth mom as "just the oven the bun cooked in" he doesn't respect her at all for leaving him while she was pregnant with their child. Also she lied and told him she miscarried the baby and 3 months later had her. He was under the impression Leila was dead for the first 4 months of her life. When he found out she lied and that Leila was still alive he started fighting for custody. Finally 3 years later he got it. He has no respect for her at all but feels that when Leila is old enough she can choose who she wants to stay with. That's why he wants her to get to know her birth mom. He is trying to extend an olive branch but the birth mom burns every branch given to her. My husband says that no matter what happens I AM her mom.

 

[The Revolting Man]

I have a couple questions, observations, points of view, etc. I come from a "broken " home and over the years have had several step-dads until the last one whom i call Dad and always will.

• What does your husband say in all of this? Unless i skipped it, i see nothing in here about his position in this.
• I disagree with the sentiment that your daughter needs her birth mom in her life. She really doesn't. If, when she gets older, she wants to go find her birth-mom, then great. But right now, she is still highly impressionable. She needs you and your husband to be mom and dad, not this other lady that keeps floating in and out of her life like a leaf on the breeze.
• If your husband has sole custody, why does he allow her back in whenever she wants?
• it's ok (not good, just 'ok') to not want to say anything bad about her birth mom, but you do need to tell the truth when it's relevant, and not the sugar-coated kind either.
• Look at it this way: if you keep telling her that her birth mom loves her and cares for her but then sees what she's doing, she is going to associate "this is what good moms who love and care for their kids do, they leave them with other people". That's not ok. She needs to learn that this is not what good moms do. Good moms stick around and are there when you need them. Good moms get things done and show their daughters how to get things done. Good moms are like you, not that other lady.

With Love and Respect ~~

I have to respectfully but firmly disagree with every thing you said. If Leila is to receive the blessings that come with honoring her father and mother then she has to honor her imperfect mother. And we are all imperfect parents. The only difference is a matter of degrees and who thinks they're qualified to draw the line between those who are worthy of grace and those who are not?

The girl needs to be protected but her father chose her mother for her and there is no undoing that now.

 

[Mikki G.]

I have to respectfully but firmly disagree with every thing you said. If Leila is to receive the blessings that come with honoring her father and mother then she has to honor her imperfect mother. And we are all imperfect parents. The only difference is a matter of degrees and who thinks they're qualified to draw the line between those who are worthy of grace and those who are not?

The girl needs to be protected but her father chose her mother for her and there is no undoing that now.

No one is perfect. I'd like to think I am lol but I am far from it. We are all human and God gave us free will. It is up to us how we use that free will. Leila's birth mom has made mistake after mistake. And she is showing no signs of letting up but i am making mistakes too. My mistake is putting up a wall between me and Leila's birth mom. Instead of talking with her so that both her and I can Ben good moms to our daughter, and trying to find a way to co-parent, I have closed he rout completely from me. I don't share pictures with her, I don't talk to her. I basically try and pretend she isn't even real. That's my mistake and I know it isn't right. I am working on that. My anger towards her is not justified. I have no room to judge. It's not my place. I am hoping that someday I can open up communication with her without looking at her as a broken person. Only God can give me the strength to do that. And he is working on me. Slowly but Surely. Leila deserves to have the best parents possible. And I truely with all my heart pray that her birth mom can step up to the plate with open arms and say "ok I'm ready. I'm here"