Greetings from Canada!

[Bartato]

Welcome

Being a fledgling isn't too bad. Fledglings have wings, and are starting to fly.

I'd encourage you to grow in your faith in Christ, and work towards becoming a good strong man. As you mentioned, authority structure is very important.

 

[FollowingHim]

Any poly-minded man who has no woman, might consider if it seems best to seek poly right from the start.

Personally I think that is taking it too far, because our focus in life should not be polygamy, but Jesus. We should be looking for the path He has for us, not trying to pursue some unusual thing that we hope it might be.

Having said that though, when you are still seeking a wife, you honestly do consider multiple women to figure out which is the right one. This is a time when you might be able to have more relaxed discussions with one woman about the merits of other women, and gauge her true willingness to share. I remember having a humorous discussion with my now-wife and another young lady I was attracted to, where we discussed polygamy and the idea of me having both of them, entirely as a joke. Because at the time, for me, it was a joke (I saw it as acceptable but didn't see it as something I'd actually do). But such a conversation if even marginally more serious (if there was the slightest bit of question in their minds around whether I was joking or not) would have allowed me to easily assess how they truly reacted to the idea when there was a possibility of it being real.

And there was also the time when I broke the heart of one young lady because I was pursuing another. That is a situation I will always regret, as I should have approached it very differently.

So I wouldn't be overtly pursuing polygamy. However, knowing it is an option would alter the way I dealt with the real situations that came up in my life, and could certainly impact my decisions around marriage.

 

[blessedwith2]

I've been leaning towards the idea of making it a talking point with whichever prospects I come across for a first wife. Seems like it would act as a good filter. Maybe too good of a filter.

My personal experience is that many people are willing to talk about it, but precious few want to practice it.

 

[eye4them]

our focus in life should not be polygamy, but Jesus. We should be looking for the path He has for us, not trying to pursue some unusual thing that we hope it might be.

This is an interesting point. On the one hand I would wonder; Why are a man's goals for the configuration of his family any different than any other life goal he might have? But on the other hand, I would agree that he needs to be on mission (Jesus, as you noted). And I suspect that if he makes women his mission, he might end up with a wife who turns out to be a mission all by herself, whereas if he sets his goals higher than women, and is on that mission, God may well drop into his lap a woman (or two) who will assist him on his mission, and not end up being a mission herself. God made women to be helpers, and they do seem to be attracted to men who are "on a mission".

But then there is the fact that "be fruitful and multiply" is an assigned mission. But to do that effectively, one probably needs a good hustle going... so that ends up being a tier two mission, the wife|wives/multiplication being a tier three mission, and following God always being the first mission. That seems to be a fairly common pattern played out.

 

[frederick]

God made women to be helpers, and they do seem to be attracted to men who are "on a mission".

But then there is the fact that "be fruitful and multiply" is an assigned mission.

Couldn't agree more. Stick with the program and God does amazing things.

 

[Fledgling]

Welcome

Being a fledgling isn't too bad. Fledglings have wings, and are starting to fly.

I'd encourage you to grow in your faith in Christ, and work towards becoming a good strong man. As you mentioned, authority structure is very important.

The problem that I think that I have is that I have no one around me to push me out of the nest.

It might just be imposter syndrome, but I can't shake the feeling that there must be more expected of me, and I just don't see what it is. Or perhaps I know what it is, but don't want it. Maybe I expect too much of myself, or maybe I expect too little.

 

[frederick]

It might just be imposter syndrome, but I can't shake the feeling that there must be more expected of me, and I just don't see what it is. Or perhaps I know what it is, but don't want it. Maybe I expect too much of myself, or maybe I expect too little.

Maybe you could think about joining the local procrastinators club?

 

[frederick]

Ooops, derail.

 

[Fledgling]

I agree with what has been said previously, but beware though, even if she appears to accept poly at first;
a) She might just be saying what she thinks you want to hear, or
b) To her, your talk of poly might be just pie in the sky, and her attitude might change dramatically when poly becomes pie in the oven.

Also in the case of (b), she might actually be cool with the idea at first, but after some time of being an only wife, she might get cold feet and not want things to change, or fear how they might change.

It has been said; "Start as you mean to go." Any poly-minded man who has no woman, might consider if it seems best to seek poly right from the start. Starting poly means the issue is real for her right from the start. So no getting cold feet later. It is also a gauge of her attraction to you; in that Is she willing to share you?; actually willing, not just saying she's willing. If she is, that's a good sign. But if she won't share you, that tells you her level of attraction; not good.

Starting poly also has the benefit of allowing you to see how the women interact with each other, where one might see the other as a "rival". It might be that the woman you find first is the one who can't take it, but the second is compatible. Whereas, if you make commitment to the first and later find she's incompatible with poly when you find number two, then you're stuck.

However you start, if you have one who truly is poly-compatible, then she can help you seek number two, and having her also gives you pre-selection, which can make it easier to find number two. A woman will find you more attractive if she sees that you're attractive to other women (that is the pre-selection). Also, she will be less on guard around a man who has with a woman with him, than a man who is alone.

Oh, and Welcome to BF!

Personally I think that is taking it too far, because our focus in life should not be polygamy, but Jesus. We should be looking for the path He has for us, not trying to pursue some unusual thing that we hope it might be.

Having said that though, when you are still seeking a wife, you honestly do consider multiple women to figure out which is the right one. This is a time when you might be able to have more relaxed discussions with one woman about the merits of other women, and gauge her true willingness to share. I remember having a humorous discussion with my now-wife and another young lady I was attracted to, where we discussed polygamy and the idea of me having both of them, entirely as a joke. Because at the time, for me, it was a joke (I saw it as acceptable but didn't see it as something I'd actually do). But such a conversation if even marginally more serious (if there was the slightest bit of question in their minds around whether I was joking or not) would have allowed me to easily assess how they truly reacted to the idea when there was a possibility of it being real.

And there was also the time when I broke the heart of one young lady because I was pursuing another. That is a situation I will always regret, as I should have approached it very differently.

So I wouldn't be overtly pursuing polygamy. However, knowing it is an option would alter the way I dealt with the real situations that came up in my life, and could certainly impact my decisions around marriage.

I'm not sure I'd want to make it a goal for myself to find 2+ right from the get-go. But this is modifying my thinking about the whole process somewhat. Up until I joined here I was under the impression that it was illegal, and due to that and the inevitable reactions from those around me I felt myself like it was a "pie in the sky" kind of idea, and would likely give off that idea and operate under that understanding.

Now that my impression has been corrected, and since my concern about the reactions around me have been dwindling (albeit not the causes for concern), and coupling those with this discussion you have brought up, it all results in a change in view. I still don't see a need to pursue more than one, but I am more open to it than before, and I do think that it will:

alter the way I [deal] with the real situations that [come] up in my life, and could certainly impact my decisions around marriage.

[modified to speak from my perspective]

 

[Fledgling]

Maybe you could think about joining the local procrastinators club?

I'm not in it already? Hmm. Guess I'll look for the sign up sheet tomorrow.

 

[FollowingHim]

I'm not sure I'd want to make it a goal for myself to find 2+ right from the get-go. But this is modifying my thinking about the whole process somewhat. Up until I joined here I was under the impression that it was illegal, and due to that and the inevitable reactions from those around me I felt myself like it was a "pie in the sky" kind of idea, and would likely give off that idea and operate under that understanding.

Now that my impression has been corrected, and since my concern about the reactions around me have been dwindling (albeit not the causes for concern), and coupling those with this discussion you have brought up, it all results in a change in view. I still don't see a need to pursue more than one, but I am more open to it than before, and I do think that it will:

[modified to speak from my perspective]

Oh, it's a very real possibility - but it's not going to be relevant to most men. Because statistically most Western men will be monogamous. The question is what God has in store for you. Statistically speaking, it's most likely He has one woman in mind. However, practically speaking, the fact He has directed you here might suggest you are one of that smaller number of men he is preparing for a more complex future... But then again, He might be preparing you for a ministry in Africa where you'll need to deal with this situation in the society around you, without practicing it. Or your future may have nothing to do with polygamy, but this may simply be preparation for you to understand how to deal with tough theological issues, as there will be a different and maybe even tougher one coming your way that you'll need to handle correctly.

You simply don't know, and cannot know, even why you have been led to meet us. Just keep your eyes open and see what the future holds.

 

[frederick]

I still don't see a need to pursue more than one, but I am more open to it than before, and I do think that it will:

If you are involved with a local assembly at all, look around at the number of single Christian women around you. Ask yourself, Did God intend for these women to remain single all their lives? If He made them to be companion-helpers to a man, where is that man?

 

[Fledgling]

This is an interesting point. On the one hand I would wonder; Why are a man's goals for the configuration of his family any different than any other life goal he might have? But on the other hand, I would agree that he needs to be on mission (Jesus, as you noted). And I suspect that if he makes women his mission, he might end up with a wife who turns out to be a mission all by herself, whereas if he sets his goals higher than women, and is on that mission, God may well drop into his lap a woman (or two) who will assist him on his mission, and not end up being a mission herself. God made women to be helpers, and they do seem to be attracted to men who are "on a mission".

But then there is the fact that "be fruitful and multiply" is an assigned mission. But to do that effectively, one probably needs a good hustle going... so that ends up being a tier two mission, the wife|wives/multiplication being a tier three mission, and following God always being the first mission. That seems to be a fairly common pattern played out.

I only recently figured out what my mission is or could be (should I choose to accept it). That was thanks to dwelling on a video by @The Revolting Man posted in a thread somewhere by @NickF. I had previously been deliberating over mission ideas for some time (also thanks to the discussions in various places by members of this community). It's satisfying to have figured it out, especially since it's something that I already try to do: help others.

Now I feel I have a bit more of a purpose (it's a fresh realization, so it hasn't set in yet). And now I see how having a wife would make my mission easier, by both freeing up some time and energy on my part to be able to help more, and also by contributing in likely new ways that I couldn't on my own.

A person needs purpose, and I can see how this would provide that purpose both for myself and for her. It's neither glamorous nor thrilling, but it's something.

 

[Fledgling]

If you are involved with a local assembly at all, look around at the number of single Christian women around you. Ask yourself, Did God intend for these women to remain single all their lives? If He made them to be companion-helpers to a man, where is that man?

Here I am! Send Choose me!
(Kidding, though maybe I shouldn't be?)

Unfortunately, I am not involved with a local assembly. There's nothing wrong with me such that they don't want me (that they know of, anyway...), nor is there truly anything wrong with them that I should not want them. I likely should change my lack of attendance, but I struggle with the fact that churches seem to be more focused on being a lecture hall than a gathering of family. And then there's the question of which one? To which the answer could quite simply be any of them...

 

[FollowingHim]

And then there's the question of which one? To which the answer could quite simply be any of them...

So which one is the closest, physically, to your home? Start there. That is your local church.

If they're complete crazies and you really can't be associated with them, or if they tell you to leave, then go elsewhere. But start there.

 

[FollowingHim]

And sure they might focus on being a generic Sunday-morning lecture hall where the same "God loves you" message is preached every Sunday morning to be promptly forgotten. But there you will find your most local brothers in Christ. Go there to make these connections. If there are mens groups, home groups, anything like that where real Christians get together - get involved. Especially if there are interdenominational groups happening. The Sunday morning lecture is just your entrance point to make those connections - and to pick up a church newsletter that lists what's going on and who to contact about it if there's anything of interest happening.

 

[The Revolting Man]

I only recently figured out what my mission is or could be (should I choose to accept it). That was thanks to dwelling on a video by @The Revolting Man posted in a thread somewhere by @NickF. I had previously been deliberating over mission ideas for some time (also thanks to the discussions in various places by members of this community). It's satisfying to have figured it out, especially since it's something that I already try to do: help others.

Now I feel I have a bit more of a purpose (it's a fresh realization, so it hasn't set in yet). And now I see how having a wife would make my mission easier, by both freeing up some time and energy on my part to be able to help more, and also by contributing in likely new ways that I couldn't on my own.

A person needs purpose, and I can see how this would provide that purpose both for myself and for her. It's neither glamorous nor thrilling, but it's something.

I’m helping!

 

[Fledgling]

So which one is the closest, physically, to your home? Start there. That is your local church.

If they're complete crazies and you really can't be associated with them, or if they tell you to leave, then go elsewhere. But start there.

There are about four on my street, and it's not a long street.

And sure they might focus on being a generic Sunday-morning lecture hall where the same "God loves you" message is preached every Sunday morning to be promptly forgotten. But there you will find your most local brothers in Christ. Go there to make these connections. If there are mens groups, home groups, anything like that where real Christians get together - get involved. Especially if there are interdenominational groups happening. The Sunday morning lecture is just your entrance point to make those connections - and to pick up a church newsletter that lists what's going on and who to contact about it if there's anything of interest happening.

I didn't realize it before, but the church strictly closest (about 1/8 km away, beating the next closest by about 1/8 km as well) is held by the Holdeman, some of whom may likely know me from work. I'm not ecstatic about being a part of a church under their beliefs given their flavour of theology and way of life, but now that I think about it that could be somewhat if not completely hypocritical of me considering the forum I am currently posting in. Thanks for helping me notice that. They are excellent people as far as I've gotten to know them, so I wouldn't have any concerns on that front.

 

[FollowingHim]

Hadn't heard of them before, had to look them up. Seriously, your closest church is Mennonite? Couldn't really find a more interesting place to visit than that - or a place where you're more likely to find at least a handful of solid, conservative minded Christian men to get to know.

I'm sure their theology is as wrong as everybody else's, including your own... Just go visit them!

 

[Fledgling]

Seriously, your closest church is Mennonite? Couldn't really find a more interesting place to visit than that

And the one over there, and that one... For the most part that's all this area is, albeit of different flavours and intensities. Few would likely resemble the picture I'd guess "non-Mennonites" imagine when they hear "Mennonite", though I suppose those of Holdeman background would come closer to it. My own family history has Mennonite background, as do most who grew up in the area, so it's a little unusual for me to hear them called interesting!

I'm sure their theology is as wrong as everybody else's, including your own...

Thanks for the reminder. As a conservative-minded Christian guy, surrounded by conservative-minded Christian people, one trait I see a bit too often in others as well as myself is the tendency to not budge when facing alternative beliefs. I've become somewhat "anti-tradition" due to how much I've seen and heard about tradition becoming entrenched and hurting people, and yet to my shame I still am close-minded enough to wall myself off against the beliefs of those of Holdeman background, and by extension assembling with them as fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, even if I do have a good relationship with them outside of the assembly. Thank you for the gentle nudge on that.